by Nina Manning
‘Come on then, I’ll get the first round in!’ Eve whooped and the barman looked at us with a small smirk, used to this sort of clientele in a town which hosted hen and stag parties every weekend.
‘Well, okay then. Two of your finest cocktails barman.’ I slammed my fist down on the bar. Now I was out, I fancied just one drink. One drink was fine. It wouldn’t do any harm. I observed the way the barman took a moment to eye me up. I gave him a wink and threw my arm around Eve. ‘My friend is paying.’
‘Erm, well, I was.’ Eve held her handbag and shoved her hand in deep whilst she screwed her face up. ‘I definitely put my purse in here.’ Her face changed to one of enlightenment. ‘No, I remember, I took it out to buy something online earlier. I think I left it behind the chair in the lounge.’
‘Oh yeah yeah! I see, drag me out here, to make me pay. I know your game,’ I said, looking at the barman jovially.
‘No no, I’m not trying to pull a fast one. I’ll nip back and get it, Daisy. It’s my treat. I promised.’
‘Don’t be daft. Pay me back later.’ I yanked my bag from my shoulder and began rooting for some notes.
‘No, honestly. Pay for these, enjoy. I’ll be back in five minutes.’ Eve turned to walk away.
I turned too, feeling an urge to grab my friend sternly by the arm and demand she stay and let me pay, but I let it fizzle away. I shrugged and turned back to the barman who was wearing a smarmy look, thinking he was now in luck. He was completely oblivious to the fact I was sporting a wedding ring and pregnancy belly which I had done very well to disguise with my floaty dress.
He intermittently tore his glance away to focus on mixing and pouring the drinks and then would look back at me with a glint in his eye. I watched intently. I always enjoyed the artistic display of a cocktail being prepared, especially when the barman making it was so easy on the eye. I laid out two notes as the barman simultaneously presented the cocktails in all their cloudy multi-coloured glory.
‘Keep the change,’ I said as I picked up the drinks and sashayed my way to the nearest table.
It was almost an hour later that I finally tuned into my intuition. I had been chatting to a couple of Italian artists who were in town for a commission piece down at the seafront. One had finished off Eve’s drink and had bought me another – this time I carefully opted for a mocktail – and all the while I was thinking about Eve. When Eve gets back, she will love these guys, we’ll all have a drink together and Eve will impersonate the smaller one’s accent and funny walk. When Eve gets back, everything will be complete again. But that hour of conversation came and went and finally I gave in to the nagging doubt that was building at the back of my mind and excused myself to call Eve. When it went straight to answerphone, my first thought was: daft cow, she’s probably chatting to Ant. Ant was the bouncer at the club at the bottom of our road and whom we stopped and spoke to most evenings. Then I got irritated. It was typical Eve behaviour to abandon me randomly, but it was not okay on my birthday. Not when she had organised and pleaded with me to come out. I threw my phone back in my bag and walked straight out of the bar, ignoring the raucous calls of the Italians behind me.
I hugged my arms around myself. The heat of the bar was a stark contrast to the icy January night air. It didn’t occur to me to pay particular attention to the sirens echoing around the streets. It was a common sound and one I had become accustomed to hearing in my dreams. But as I turned the corner to the road that led to the hill where our flat was, the sirens became louder and I could see a vision of flashing reds and yellows. I could see Ant. He was waving at me. No, he was trying to get my attention. I quickened my pace, adrenaline filling my body. I wasn’t sure what was happening but as I approached Ant, who was usually expressionless except for the mechanical movement of his jaw as he chewed his gum, I could see his brow was strained and his mouth was parted.
No chewing.
The club was directly at the bottom of the hill which led to the flat. Ant was talking, I couldn’t hear what he was saying. I looked up the hill towards the flashing lights and crowds of people that were being herded backwards by firefighters. I could see flames and smoke. So much smoke that it was beginning to coat the back of my throat even as I stood at the bottom of the hill.
I spun around to hear the siren right behind me. An ambulance careered past me and swerved into the road and up the hill. It stopped next to the fire engine and crowds of people directly outside the building. Our building. Ant’s arm was around me as he escorted me up the hill. I was presented before a fireman who took me aside and starting saying things to me which didn’t make sense. ‘Serious accident… explosion… tried everything we could…’ There was a lady, perhaps a paramedic. She offered me a cup of water and tried to put a blanket around me. I tried to walk away, my mission was to get to the flat. Why was everyone getting in my way? I needed to find Eve, that was all. But I was grabbed by the arm and pulled back just as a stretcher was carried from the smoking building. A black material covered a body and I had a sudden urge to retch. I crouched down – or was I on my knees? I wasn’t sure. There was a dull pain in my legs and I saw there was blood on my hands as I struggled to get back to my feet. But even as the two firefighters carried a body right past me, I still thought to myself, it was all going to be okay.
Annie
The thing about my son is that I love the bones of him. It’s an instinct I thought I wouldn’t ever experience and so when he came into my life, all I wanted to do was keep him all to myself because of the way we were deserted and let down. I tried so hard to make him feel loved with all the things I did, cooking and cleaning for him. So when someone else came and stole him away, and I didn’t hear from him, it made me feel abnormal; like everything had been tipped upside down. I don’t like disorder. I like to know what’s what.
One thing I have learned is that you have to seize every moment that is drifting past you in this ever-changing life. There’s no point waiting. It will only pass you by and then you’ve lost out.
Everything happens for a reason, there’s no denying it. Take Ben, for instance. He came to me at a time when I thought nothing else good could happen in my life.
I know when someone is telling bare-faced lies, there’s something about their demeanour, it’s a slight shift in their body as they stand or a stutter in their speech, it’s a twitch of the eyes to the left; searching for the truth that was never there. I’ve seen it all. Everything has to come to an end and her time is well and truly up. Those lies, all that covering up and pretending she is someone she isn’t? I don’t need to worry about it anymore. Soon it will be as it was. Just me and my son.
Daisy
I hadn’t felt that numb feeling for so many years. I didn’t know this time if it would pass. Perhaps it wouldn’t. Perhaps I would need drugs to make me feel something, to give me a lift. Or to just take me to where Eve was. Even easier. I didn’t want to think about minutes, hours, days from now and how I might feel. Whatever was going to happen I knew it was going to be long, it was going to be painful and I was going to have to go through it without Eve. From here on in, everything would have to be without Eve. It didn’t make sense. Not yet.
Ben opened the door to the incident room where I had been sat alone for… minutes? Hours? I didn’t know. They had questioned me briefly, but nothing too heavy. I doubted that they thought I did it. I didn’t care. They could lock me away and throw away the key.
Ben didn’t say anything. He fell to his knees and threw his arms around my waist. His shoulders were shaking. I placed my hands on them and rubbed them. I found a strange release in giving comfort to someone else. As though my own loss was suddenly irrelevant.
‘Shh,’ I heard coming from my mouth. He was wearing his black leather jacket and I inhaled the familiar scent of him, mixed in with something foreign, brought from where Ben had been for the last few days. He pulled back and stood up then sat on the chair next to me. The blanket I had had on since nine o’clock last night
had slackened and Ben pulled it back up and over my shoulders.
‘I don’t know what to say, Daisy. If you want to talk, then go ahead. If not, then I’m here anyway.’ Ben paused and looked at me. Then he continued, speaking in a slow quiet voice. ‘The guys excused me. From the meetings. I understand the protocol, signed all the relevant paperwork. They understand. I think they liked me, it’s fine…’
I thought how it was funny how even in extreme cases, people carry on saying the most mundane and normal things.
‘She’s gone, Ben.’ I interrupted Ben’s ramblings. My voice sounded croaky. I didn’t recognise it as my own. Ben put his arm around me and pulled me towards him as much as my limp body would allow.
‘I don’t know how, Daisy. I just don’t understand. I don’t know how this could have happened.’
‘Me neither. It makes no sense. One minute she was with me in the bar and the next minute, she’s dead!’ I spat out the last word.
‘You don’t have to, but if you want to tell me…’
‘I don’t know, Ben, they’re talking about an explosion of some kind. We won’t know anything until a full investigation has taken place and… an …autopsy.’ My head fell into my hands. I was silently crying but then a small laugh found its way out, and then I was laughing louder. ‘A fuckin’ autopsy Ben! We used to laugh about that all the time, whenever we watched Silent Witness or, what’s that other one called…? I don’t know anymore. Eve would joke about it… we would laugh about them waking up in the middle of it…’ I trailed off.
‘We should get you out of here.’ Ben stood, walked to the door and poked his head out, looking either way along the corridor. ‘Hi, yes, excuse me – can I borrow you for a sec?’ Ben held the door open as a policewoman came into the room. ‘Can I take my wife home now?’
The officer, who was tall with brown hair tied into a neat ponytail, spoke softly.
‘You are absolutely free to leave, Mrs Cartwright.’ She turned her attention to Ben. ‘There is the issue of a formal identification.’
‘Oh, right erm, I don’t really have anything, babe, have you got your handbag?’ Ben walked back over to me. I looked at him through blurry stinging eyes.
‘What are you doing? She means Eve, you idiot.’ I heard the manner in which I spoke and I felt as though I were witnessing someone else entirely. Ben appeared sheepish. The police officer looked down at her feet.
Ben tried to speak quietly as if I would not hear. ‘I don’t think she’s up to the job.’
‘That’s fine, we’ve made an attempt to contact some family members,’ she said in a hushed tone as though I wouldn’t notice.
‘That’s pointless,’ I interrupted. ‘Her mother is a raging alcoholic, her dad is a complete couch potato and wouldn’t get off his fat arse if it was on fire, which under the circumstances, is quite apt really.’ The policewoman and Ben glanced uncomfortably at one another. ‘And her brother is somewhere shooting at the Taliban, so really, it only actually leaves me.’ I looked at Ben through red stinging eyes. ‘And she would want me to do it Ben.’
‘Well, I’ll do it with you and if you know… you feel you can’t, then I’ll be there.’
‘I’ll be fine, I’ll manage.’ I stood up and the blanket dropped to the floor. ‘Can I go now please?’ I addressed the policewoman who quickly cast her eyes down to my belly then back to my face.
‘Yes. Of course. I’ll see you both to the front desk and I will give you the directions to the chapel of rest. It doesn’t open for another few hours. There’s an all-night petrol station just around the corner, you could grab coffees from there until it opens at 9 a.m.’
Once outside, Saturday morning had begun to greet us with a pale grey sky. Ben offered an arm around me which I neither accepted nor declined. He walked stiffly next to me until we reached the car, which Ben had collected before he came and got me from the police station.
‘Daisy, I’ve called my mum. We’re going to go and stay with her.’ Ben delivered the news with an edge of wariness. He opened the passenger door and I barely nodded and got into the car. Ben walked around to the driver’s side and got in. He looked at me. ‘You don’t have to do this, this identification. They can find someone else, they can look at her driver’s licence for fuck’s sake.’
‘I’m doing it, Ben. She’d do it for me.’ I felt the weight of Ben’s stare as I turned to look out of the window.
I smelt death as soon I walked into the chapel of rest. So grimly distinctive was the smell of a body that had rid itself of a soul just a few hours earlier, I was tempted to turn around and leave. But I could feel Ben’s hand squeezing my own so tightly that I feared I would never be able to release myself from his grip in order to run.
The coroner told us the procedure for viewing and said we could look through the window or enter the room. Ben went to speak and I shook him away, certain he would try to convince me that staying behind the screen and viewing Eve like an antique piece of jewellery was the better option. I walked towards the door and carefully opened it, fearful at what I may find, even though I knew that the lifeless body of my beloved friend was the only thing waiting for me.
The cold hit me, along with the smell and I rested my eyes upon a high bed where Eve lay with a blanket tucked right up to her chin, as though she was a bodiless puppet.
They had told me to expect the damage the fire had done to her face, but underneath the red streaks of exposed flesh I could still see the familiar outline of my friend’s jaw, her hairline, and those protruding luscious lips.
The noise came next. Loud and animalistic reverberating around the small icy room. It was a sound so unrecognisable that I didn’t realise it was coming from me until Ben caught my weight when my legs crumbled beneath me.
‘I just knew it would be too much for you and the baby.’ Ben leant across my chest and clicked my seatbelt in.
‘How did you get back from London so quickly?’ My voice was grainy and low.
‘The guys, they chipped in for a taxi. Cost £200. There were no trains.’
I gave a feeble nod. Then I felt it, two small but firm kicks. I knew this was the moment I was supposed to share with him, to take his hand and place it on my stomach so he could feel the life of his unborn child. But I let the moment pass. I looked past him out of the window.
‘Just drive, Ben,’ I said croakily after a few moments when it seemed that Ben was still leaning over me and watching me as though I were a pot of water about to boil over.
Ben pulled himself out of the car, slammed the door shut and walked around to the driver’s side. Once we were out of the car park and driving along the road, he spoke again.
‘We haven’t got a home anymore, Daisy.’
I looked at Ben. I nodded and blinked out the tears.
‘But it’s okay.’ Ben touched my knee ‘We’ll be fine,’ he said almost jovially. Then, as though he realised that his last statement probably sounded incredibly lame to me under the circumstances, he added, ‘But I know things will never be fine, nor will they be the same again. I’m so sorry, Daisy. I don’t know what to say… but in time you will know how much I love you and how much I am here for you. I promise I will do whatever I can to get us through this.’
‘Stay.’ I spoke softly. I wiped tears from my cheeks and looked at Ben. ‘Don’t leave again to record the album. I can’t bear to be alone.’ I began to weep. My shoulders shuddered. ‘I just can’t bear it, Ben.’ Ben pulled the car over, unbuckled his own belt, leant right across and took me in his arms. He didn’t answer me but his silence spoke volumes.
Annie
I was watching at the window when they arrived. The sun was just coming up. I hadn’t slept all night. I was overwhelmed with tiredness and my anxiety levels had peaked. But I would have to try and bury those emotions so I could be the mother Ben needed me to be.
I pulled the curtain back another inch when I heard the tyres of their car crackling along the end of the pebbled driveway. I released
the curtain and rushed down the stairs to open the door ready to greet them.
It was so strange that yesterday would bring so much revelation and tragedy at once. It was just terrible what had happened last night at the flat and I was only thankful Ben was in London at the time. Above all the terror in his voice, I heard how much my son needed me.
I greeted them at the door with a pained expression and a blanket. As Daisy walked through the door, I placed the blanket around her shoulders like I had seen on TV programmes. I was sure it was the right thing to do under the circumstances.
‘When Ben said you had been out and about last tonight, I thought you might not be wearing much so I had this ready for you. I’ve run a bath and I’ve put some of Ben’s old pyjamas on his bed for you. Come and sit down, you two. What a terrible shock for you both. I have brandy. Who will have a brandy? Ben?’ I ushered Daisy through into the lounge as Ben obligingly removed his coat and hung it up on the peg as he always had done. All the while, I eyed Daisy, her presence ever more apparent.
I observed them uneasily as they settled themselves in the front room then I excused myself to fetch refreshments. I arrived back a few moments later with the tray I had prepared ready for them.
‘I shouldn’t imagine caffeine will affect you trying to sleep, I expect you are both beyond exhausted, so fill your boots.’ I placed the tray filled with coffee and brandy and biscuits on the coffee table. ‘I have plenty of whatever you need. It was so cold last night, wasn’t it? Not much better today. Have you seen the frost out there? I don’t know how you could have gone out in that weather. I suppose though, in a way, it was a good job you did.’ I felt Ben’s look hit me before I saw it. ‘I’m just saying, son. It was very… lucky.’
