by Nina Manning
‘From my calculations my due date is sometime in April. But I don’t know exactly. I haven’t seen a midwife. I haven’t had a scan.’ I blew out a big breath. I’d told Ben the 16th. I did some basic calculations, but I suppose the midwives have a better way of working it out.
‘So we roughly have two months, possibly a few weeks more. Have you prepared anything?
‘No.’
‘No?’
‘No.’ Because I don’t think I’m good enough. I don’t think I’m ready. ‘Will… will I be ready?’ I asked, knowing I had neglected the pregnancy.
‘Well, no one is ever really ready, children come along and turn your whole world upside down. One always doubts one’s abilities, more so when it comes to the most basic natural ways of motherhood.’
I nodded along with Annie’s words but they meant nothing to me now Ben wasn’t here. I couldn’t help but start to imagine the worst, what was really keeping him away from me? The secrets I thought I had been able to keep buried had perhaps finally come back to haunt me. Already my life was in ruins. The only thing that I had left was the tiny heartbeat within me; this developing human waiting to be welcomed into the world by a loving mother who would give it all her love. But amongst the fog of grief and the doubt surrounding my marriage, the one thing I was clear upon was that I would not be a good mother.
Annie
Babies are a blessing. A miracle. They shouldn’t be treated as though they are this disposable component that can be gotten rid of because circumstances don’t suit.
I realised I was one of the few women out there who was willing to commit everything to raising a child. Our children are these tiny delicate creatures and we are the rock between them and the harmful effects of the outside world. I knew that the day Ben arrived in my world. Such an innocence. He needed me the most, and I was never going to let him down. I committed my life to raising him. And here it was again, Daisy’s baby, another miracle. Another opportunity.
‘You know, it’s probably best that this baby business remains between us, Daisy,’ I said as I fluffed up the cushions around her. She was in shock from the message from Ben. And rightly so. It was vague, impersonal, it was as though he didn’t know her at all. ‘I was looking into homebirths and how they are received now. Have you heard they are coming back now? All the rage with new mums. Ben was born at home.’
I watched as Daisy looked up at me, a glint of interest in her expression. ‘You have gone through a great deal these last few weeks and becoming a mother, this is way more than you should be going through. And, Daisy, you know how many people are involved in a pregnancy, don’t you? The doctors, the midwives, the health visitors? I mean we don’t need all that palaver, do we?’
I paused to read Daisy’s reaction, which was full of muddled emotions. ‘Things aren’t how they were twenty-five years ago in the early eighties when I was starting a family. There was none of this agency sharing information and every Tom, Dick and Harry sticking their two pennies’ worth in. We were just left to get on with it. Of course, more of the poor buggers were slipping through the system, but now they watch everything, Daisy. They monitor you like a hawk. There’s no hiding from them. They will pick up on anything, any emotion, any fault and it will all be recorded. They are all over everything these days, they know everything. All your past history…’ I allowed that last comment to fill the air like a thick cloud of smoke and watch as Daisy inhaled it. She appeared to physically shrink down into the bed. ‘If you want to keep your baby, to not have anyone sticking their nose into your business, you need to have the baby here and not tell a soul.’
She looked as though she were thinking and then gave a small nod.
‘But you know I’ll look after you. I have my pharmacy experience. I can get hold of the right drugs.’
I edged a little closer to her and tentatively placed a hand on her leg. She looked at my hand. ‘You should get rest. Now it is more important than ever.’
I went to stand and leave the room, I had a tonne of chores to do and there was so much to get prepared. I knew I had got through to Daisy and that she would comply. She really didn’t have any other choice.
‘Annie,’ she called just as I reached the door to the kitchen. I tried not to show in my expression the inconvenience of having to stop when my mind was set on the tasks ahead of me.
‘Yes, dear?’ I turned back around.
‘So you really think it’s okay? If I don’t tell the doctor, everything will be okay, here with you?’
I moved further into the room, but not close enough that Daisy would think this conversation was going to go beyond the next few minutes. ‘Let me make myself clear on the matter, Daisy. I am just not comfortable with our current situation, with Ben not here and the inquest into your friend’s death unresolved. I don’t want people coming into our lives, my home and meddling. Under the circumstances, are you really the most ideal candidate for becoming a mother?’
Daisy expression fell and she opened her mouth to say something.
‘I mean,’ I continued, ignoring her, ‘these are not my thoughts, Daisy, you understand, I’m merely looking in from the professional’s perspective, seeing it how they will see it. Seeing you all sad and depressed, grieving for your husband and friend who died in such a terrible accident. I read about it all the time, dear. They will take a baby off you for no other reason than because they can. They have all the power and we have none. So we keep schtum. Understand?’
Finally, she nodded firmly as if she understood. I felt as though I may have got through to her. I left her to her thoughts whilst I turned my attention to the more important matters of preparing for a new arrival, which was getting closer by the day. I could feel my nesting instincts kicking into full force. Daisy was a strong girl, she would carry that baby well and in about two months’ time everything would be as it should be. Right now, she was merely the vessel to carry the child into the world and then I would have a beautiful new baby to care for.
Daisy
I woke to find Annie in the room with me. There had been no knock, or a ‘may I come in’, I was sure of it. She was just there. Yet again, fussing with the curtains. I could smell toast and coffee. I looked at my phone. It was almost nine-thirty. How had I slept in for so long this morning? I was rising later and later. I thought back to going to bed the night before and I couldn’t remember falling asleep. My phone pinged and I leant down to look at the message. It was from Patrick. My eyes scanned his words.
Concerned… miss you… call me
‘That smells delicious,’ I said, trying to smile as I placed the phone back on the bedside table.
‘You need to keep your strength up.’ She placed the tray in front of me. ‘You know, I have been independent for a long time now, Daisy, ever since… well, it has always been just me and Ben. And I’ve always done things my way. I would very much like it to stay the way I have become accustomed to. And, if you feel you wish to, until we sort this whole situation out, you are more than welcome here. But under my conditions. I don’t feel I am being unfair or unjust here, Daisy. I just like my life the way it is, without people poking their noses in. And I wish the same for my unborn grandchild. Once you involve other people in your life, it becomes their life. I don’t want that.’
I looked at my plate of toast that was moments ago a temptation. My throat now felt dry. The tone in Annie’s voice was apparent. We were going to do things her way. And once again, I was being left with little choice.
‘I appreciate what you’re saying, Annie.’
‘Good.’ She patted my arm. ‘Then we’ll get on like a house on fire.’ She pulled her mouth to one side. ‘Oops, I didn’t mean that.’
‘It’s okay,’ I said. It wasn’t. It never would be. But it didn’t bring back memories of Eve. It made me think of when Annie told me Ben had caused a fire. Then I thought about my accusations to Ben and how the two incidents now seemed so inextricably linked.
Annie plumped the cushion
behind my head. I looked at her with gratitude as I couldn’t keep thanking her. She knew my parents were absent, but she hadn’t said anything else about them since our first meeting and that I was glad of. But Annie had suggested something yesterday. She talked about patient history and the fact that this baby could be taken away from me. Her words had alarmed me, but it was impossible that Annie could know anything about what happened before. It was so long ago. It was such old news you would have had to spend hours in library archives or trawling through the internet to find the stories. And I wasn’t sure Annie was capable of that. When we were here at Christmas, she could barely use her computer and Ben had to do the basics for her.
‘Right, you’re all set. I’ll bring you some fresh water up and then maybe a walk around the garden. You need to keep your blood pressure steady. None of this sitting around all day. That baby needs you healthy.’
Healthy I may be in body. But certainly not in my mind. I hadn’t been for so long. I thought when I met Ben he would heal me, but all I ended up doing was losing him as well.
She would be thirteen now. A lump formed in my throat that was painful to swallow. Even after all these years I could see her, her tiny screwed up pink face, looking at me to care for her and tend to her. But I couldn’t.
I didn’t.
Annie
We had begun a very simple routine of sorts. I would wake early as I always did and make tea, orange juice and toast and take it to Daisy’s room. She was getting the five-star treatment here, but I did it because it was innate. Hospitality was my forte.
A letter had arrived for Daisy yesterday, she hadn’t said what it was but I was pretty sure I knew it was about the inquest. I was just waiting for her to confirm it.
Sure enough, as I entered the room this morning, filling the room with the fragrance of Earl Grey tea, Daisy was already sat up in bed looking at the letter again as though she hadn’t put it down since it arrived. I observed her for a few moments whilst she stared at the letter. Her hair was long and tied back. Entering the third trimester now she was, as they say, blooming. My gut tightened at the sight of her, at her glowing aura brought on by her fertility.
I sniffed casually and walked to the bed, laying the tray to the side of her, eager to get a glimpse of what had taken Daisy’s attention.
‘It’s the inquest date, for the verdict for Eve’s death.’
It seemed she was finally willing to share as she waved the piece of paper about.
‘Oh, okay, dear.’ I feigned nonchalance.
‘I’m surprised it has come around this quickly. I thought it would be a few more months yet.’
‘Well, sometimes these things are a lot quicker.’
‘Well yes, I suppose. Everyone seems to have got their shit together on this occasion.’
I winced at her language. ‘So will you go? To the hearing?’ I took an empty glass from the bedside table my hands clutched it tightly enough so the tips of my fingers began to turn white.
‘Yes, of course.’
I stood and watched intently as Daisy grappled for her phone before it slipped through her fingers and landed next to the bed. I eyed her for a few more seconds and then bent down slowly. Daisy lifted her head to look at me.
‘I feel so clumsy at the moment.’ She took the phone ‘I’m just going to text Patrick, check he has the same letter.’ I heard Daisy let out a loud sigh. ‘I wish I had more energy. Do you think I have that… that acute pregnancy sickness? I have felt tired for months now. I might need to be admitted to hospital?’ Panic was apparent in Daisy’s voice.
‘Don’t be silly Daisy,’ I scolded. ‘It’s not forever, is it? Once that baby is out you’ll be fit as a fiddle and off and about again. I suppose you’ll be back to work and all sorts. You’re not the stay at home type are you?’
‘I… I well I hadn’t thought about it really.’
‘No, well there you are then.’
‘At the moment I need to get everything into perspective, it will be easier once Ben is back,’ Daisy began. ‘Even after the way he has been, well, after everything that has happened. Even if, you know you are right and Ben has been scared off, I just can’t have this child growing up not knowing anything about their father, the way Ben did.’
‘You know nothing about our life!’ I heard my voice resounding around the room as I looked at Daisy’s startled face. Anger burned through my stomach and coursed through my veins.
‘I… I didn’t mean it in that way, I just meant…’ Daisy stuttered
‘I know what you meant.’ I took a step forward ‘I have known what everyone has meant all of Ben’s life. People think what they think, but only I know. I know what Ben’s father was like and he was not good. He would not have benefited in any way from knowing that man!’ My voice seemed to reverberate around the room. Daisy hung her head.
‘My life, Ben’s life, before you came along, Daisy, was what it was.’ I lowered my voice ‘No one asked any questions and we got on with things because that’s what you do. Ben had relationships with people and he remained my son, he stayed here with me. He didn’t think to disappear off for months without contacting me. Suddenly he’s with you and he doesn’t call me anymore. Then six months later, he’s gone. I don’t think you know Ben at all. He is in his own world and let’s face it, you practically chased him away with your accusations.’ I watched as the tears came from Daisy, but no emotion shifted inside me.
‘I was in a mess then. I didn’t know what I was thinking, let alone saying,’ Daisy said through sobs. ‘But he can’t just have cut himself off completely?’ Daisy said to my back as I walked towards the door. I paused and turned back around to look at her.
‘For the whole time you and my son were gallivanting off thinking of no one but yourselves, I didn’t hear a whisper from him. I think an entire month passed once before he replied to one of my texts.’ I knew this was news to Daisy, and it pained me to have said it out loud, the memory of it. But the girl needed to know. I took the door handle in my hand, clutching onto the glass tightly again. ‘Do you know Ben doesn’t even have a driving licence?’
Daisy looked confused. ‘But he drives…’
‘Yes, because I taught him. I told you, Daisy, he’s a free spirit. He didn’t want to be bogged down with taking tests and laws. He likes his freedom. Sometimes, Daisy, people just want to be left well alone. And when they make that decision, it doesn’t matter how hard someone tries to get to them, they will be fighting a losing battle. I’ll see you downstairs.’
I walked out of the door and closed it gently behind me.
I stood and breathed slowly in and out and let my pounding heart return to normal before I walked down the stairs to the kitchen. Through her grief and exhaustion the girl was still a feisty little thing. If nothing else it would serve her well during labour.
I sat at the kitchen table and let my racing thoughts calm down before I could start assessing everything. How dare that girl say those things? Of course, she was all emotional because of the pregnancy, but good lord, did she think she was the only woman that had ever got herself pregnant? Ben was going to move on, he was already moving on. She didn’t know my son when she married him.
I knew my son. More than anyone ever would.
I knew the moment that I met Daisy that she was going to be hard work in one sense or another and this incident with Eve’s death had been a real burden on me and now I had the pregnancy to deal with as well. Now I had all these feelings I was harbouring about what I knew about her. But I couldn’t say them. I didn’t want to scare the girl away. I needed her. I needed the baby.
Babies were such a precious gift.
The situation was glaringly obvious. Daisy would abandon that child the way she had before. She would be long gone because Ben no longer loved her. She was no candidate for motherhood. She was given the chance once and she failed. Walking away would be that much easier for her a second time. She had done it once. I was certain she would do it again.
And when the time came I would certainly not stand in her way. In fact, I was almost certain I could be the one to convince her to walk away from her baby for a second time.
Daisy
The beach house was beginning to feel like the only home I had. And with the birth not long away now, I relished a little in the way Annie made a show of fussing around me: getting me snacks and drinks, asking about the baby. It was all a novel experience to me. I had never felt that sort of care before.
I spent the morning in the garden, helping Annie lift a few weeds under watchful eyes hearing constant reminders to rest. It was an overcast day, spring not yet sprung, but Annie was keen to get ahead and begin preparing the beds. I took a breather every now and again and took a seat in the summer house to shelter from the sea breeze, which was at times uncomfortably bracing. Annie seemed to thrive amongst the harsher elements, she was completely immersed in the task, the myriad of thoughts that were usually etched across her face, gone and in their place a more serene expression.
‘I’m fine,’ I told her over and again but eventually I tired of her requests and went upstairs to lay down. I wasn’t fine. Nothing was fine. My head was swimming with thoughts. Thoughts of the inquest was currently prevailing. I was petrified about hearing the results. Teetering beneath that was what Annie had callously revealed to me about Ben’s lack of driving licence and how he had lied to me, driven me around knowing I was pregnant, despite having never had any formal lessons. I was churning up inside about Ben and his text and Annie’s words that hinted at my past were still lingering in my head. I turned them over and over trying to untangle them, trying to work out what she knew about me.
Then there was the baby; my thoughts rarely turned to the baby, or the birth. These were things I needed to concern myself with but I kept batting away the thoughts once they entered my head, a knee jerk reaction brought on by my past mistakes.
