by Rachel Kane
Yeah, well, too bad about that last part, he thought, because you’re just friends, and now really isn’t the time to explore whether you could be any more than that. Hey, Judah, while my ex is in town, want to be boyfriends? It would seem desperate, like a ploy. It would take what he felt—whatever that really was—and make it seem shallow, fake, like he was using Judah for his impact on Ian.
God, Ian, your timing couldn’t possibly have been worse.
The key was avoiding the guest areas of the house…which meant spending twice as long on his feet as normal. Ian might be enjoying the resort’s dinner, might be strolling the gallery, might be anywhere in the public part of Superbia Springs, so Alex had to hobble through the back. He managed to avoid knocking into anyone in the kitchen, somehow made it through the hallways without running into the housekeeping staff with their big carts, and finally, when he reached Liam’s office, collapsed into an armchair to wait for everyone to show up.
Liam came in first, a perplexed look on his face. “Alex, is everything okay? Mason said we had to convene a family meeting about you? I need to get back to the guests, but I can take a couple minutes—”
“A couple is all it will take,” said Mason, coming in behind Liam. “Where’s Judah?”
Liam sighed. “God only knows. He has been acting weird all day.”
“Who’s been acting weird?” asked Judah, walking in. Then, seeing Liam staring at him, he blushed. He looked over at Alex. “What’s up?”
“Close the door, please,” said Alex. “I’d like a bit of privacy for this next part.”
22
Judah
“Get rid of him?” said Liam, aghast. “But he’s exactly the kind of guest we wanted here!”
Judah looked at his brother. “We do?”
“Wealthy, cultured, his finger on the pulse of society? He’s a bestselling writer with a TV series coming out. Guys…he’s why we have a resort.”
Alex sputtered, Mason grumbled, but Judah just sank into himself. If Ian sticks around here, I’m going to look dopier and dopier to Alex, until finally he realizes what a mistake he’s made, sleeping with me.
Mason spoke up. “I don’t think we can let him stay, Liam.”
“Give me one good reason why not.”
The big handyman patted Alex on the shoulder. “Because he broke my best friend’s heart, that’s why.”
“I’m your best friend,” said Liam archly, “and if you start throwing out my guests, you’re going to break my heart.”
“The less we talk about hearts, the better,” said Alex. “Maybe asking everyone to meet together was a bad idea. Suddenly it seems like we’re making it into a bigger deal than it actually is. I’ll just go back home, so I don’t have to see him, won’t that solve everything?”
“No!” said Judah, and then immediately blushed when Mason and Liam looked at him curiously. “I mean… I mean, we promised to help Alex while his foot healed, didn’t we?”
One good bit of news was that Alex wasn’t interested in Ian. Knowing he had thought about ways to get Ian to leave meant this wasn’t a reconciliation playing itself out. And yet…
He wanted to meet with everybody to talk this over…not just you. He didn’t come to you first, because he doesn’t see you two as having a relationship. He sees you as just a friend. A good friend, sure, as good as Liam and Mason…
But you’re not special.
His heart fell as that realization sunk in.
It was clear from the body language in the room, from the way they were all positioned, Liam and Mason in front of Alex, Judah slightly to their side and behind his brother. Furthest one from Alex. Alex, not gesturing for Judah to come over, not giving any signal that he wanted him nearby.
This is stupid, you’re overdramatizing things, you’re being an idiot. He was in the back because he came in last, that was all.
“It’d be one thing if this guy seemed like an abuser, you know?” Liam said. “But all you’re telling me is that he’s a little overwhelming. Which, I could’ve told you that already. He spent half an hour this afternoon telling me about how the plumbing here differs from this hotel he stayed at in Romania last summer. Pipes. Half an hour on pipes. But you know what? People love his books. He could be a big draw. We even talked about doing a book signing here—”
“Oh god no,” said Alex.
“Or,” continued Liam, “doing it at your shop, Alex, since that’s where the books are. He said it’d be a great boost to your business.”
Alex sank deeper into his chair, groaning. “Of course he did. Of course he suggested that. Well…god. I really am sorry to put you through all these complications, Liam. I know this is a big deal for you.”
“You’re a close friend,” Liam said, “and I don’t want to do anything that upsets you—”
Alex shook his head. “No, no, you’re right. You really are. I don’t know what I was thinking. Having Mason and Toby kick him out, maybe? Toss him over the county line?” He chuckled ruefully. “It’ll just take me some time to get used to him being here, I guess. Or maybe I’ll hide in my room with my door locked, so he can’t tell me about Romanian plumbing. He should only be here a few days, right?”
“A few days?” choked Judah, his voice strangled. Now Liam looked really frustrated with him, cocking his eyebrow in big-brother judgment.
“Oh, Judah, what do you want me to say?” said Alex, grabbing for his crutches. Judah rushed forward, and even though Alex laughed about it, he waved Judah’s hands away. “I can get up myself. That’s the moral of the story, I guess. I can handle all of this by myself. Ian just makes me feel like I can’t, that’s all. Look, I’m sorry for bringing you guys into it.”
He was looking straight at Judah when he said this.
With a step-click, step-click, he was out of the room.
“I better go talk to him,” said Mason.
“I will,” said Judah, but Liam grabbed his arm.
“Wait,” said Liam. “You and I need to talk.”
“Now?” said Judah. “Don’t you have to get back to the guests?”
“Do you need me?” asked Mason.
Liam shook his head. “This is just brother-talk. You go assist Alex.”
Once the door was closed again, Liam turned to face Judah. His expression was soft and concerned. “Dude, what’s up? Why did you bite Alex’s head off just then?”
Because I don’t know how anything works, and my boyfriend-to-be won’t ask me for advice, won’t accept my help, and—
He sat in the chair Alex had just vacated. “It just seems like there’s a really easy solution to all this,” he said. “We have a full house, we don’t need Ian. I don’t understand why you won’t accept that.”
Liam reached out and squeezed Judah’s shoulder. “You don’t have to understand. It’s not your problem. Right? You don’t have to fix anything for Alex. Remember what we talked about before? Listening, instead of problem-solving?”
“Yeah, but problem-solving is what I do,” he said. “Like today with the reservation system, did you want me to listen to your feelings about it breaking, or did you want me to fix it?”
“That’s different,” said Liam. “People aren’t computers.”
“Life would be a damned sight easier if they were,” Judah muttered.
“Alex is our friend. Your friend,” said Liam, as though Judah needed reminding. “I don’t really grasp what’s going on here, and why one minute he’s asking for help, then not…but we have to accept that, and let him work things out his own way.”
Judah was half-tempted to admit everything. To tell Liam exactly how he had spent the past few nights in Alex’s bed. How his heart was so confused, how he was worried about losing his good friend. Losing him because sleeping together was a mistake, or maybe just because of Ian coming back and complicating things.
Yet he couldn’t say a word. Liam would laugh at Judah’s naivete, his inability to cope with an adult situation like this. Peop
le did this all the time, didn’t they? Somehow they managed to navigate it without their heads being bombarded with all these questions.
“I’ll stop,” he said. “I’ll back off. No more solving anybody’s problems.”
Liam squeezed his shoulder again. “Good man.”
Mason was outside Alex’s room when Judah got there. “Oh, hey,” Mason said softly, “what’s up, does Liam need me?”
Judah shook his head. “I thought I’d check on Alex.”
“Nah, probably better to leave him alone right now. He’s pretty mad.”
“At me? I mean, at us?”
“At himself, really, for dragging us all into his business. You know how he is. He hates the idea of any of us thinking he doesn’t know how to handle himself.”
“I need to apologize to him—”
“Look, I know you two are good friends,” said Mason, drawing him away from the door. “And I know you’ve got a good heart. Judah, believe me when I say that. I know you want what’s best for your friends. But this… It really doesn’t concern you, and I don’t think you should interfere. This isn’t that kind of problem, you know? It’s not a buggy program or something.”
That’s exactly what it is, a mistake in the underlying code, two competing subroutines colliding.
But what he said was, “It’s not a busted pipe or rotted shingle, either. We’ve all got our special ways of fixing things. But anyway, that’s not what I’m here to do. I’m out of the fixing business. I just want to talk to him.”
“That is really sweet, and I’ll be sure to tell him that, or maybe you can talk to him more tomorrow. Right now, he needs to be surrounded by his… His…”
“His real friends?” Judah said with a sinking heart. “Is that what you mean?”
“You’re just as real as I am, that’s not what I was going to say.”
Again, that temptation to blurt it out: I have been balls-deep inside of Alex, and you have not, and that does give me a special right to go in there and talk to him, except it was the sort of thing a man like Judah would never be able to say. Never that blunt. Never with the gory details.
He looked back at the door. Alex needed him. Alex himself might not realize that, any more than Mason and Liam did, but it was true.
Yet there was no way to get past the gentle wall of Mason without saying something he’d regret, giving away a secret that wasn’t entirely his to give away.
He nodded. “All right. Look, if Liam needs me, tell him I’ve gone out, okay? I’m going to drop by Toady’s.”
Mason gave his watch a quick glance. “Toady’s? Right now? During dinner service. You’ve got guests downstairs.”
“I just need to get away for a bit. To have a little drink.”
“We have a fully stocked bar downstairs.”
“Yeah, but drinking here means I’m not getting away.”
Mason put his fingers under Judah’s chin and tilted his face up. “Are you all right? What’s gotten into you? Out of nowhere, you seem sad. Are you worried about Alex? We’re not going to let anything happen to him, you know that. Nobody’s going to break my best friend’s heart, certainly not under my roof.”
“You’re a good friend, Mason,” Judah said to him, his voice as hollow as his heart felt, being kept from talking to Alex. “Everybody should have a friend like you.”
“Wow, fancy seeing you during business hours,” said Toby from the bar. “I can’t believe Liam let you escape.”
Judah shrugged. “What Liam doesn’t know won’t hurt him.”
“Can I get you the usual?”
“No. Something stronger tonight.”
Toby nodded. “New guests putting a strain on the brain, I imagine? Hope your non-paying guest isn’t causing too much trouble.”
“Alex is fine,” said Judah. “Well…”
Toby shook his head. “I guess he told you about Ian. Yeah, Alex isn’t fine. But that’s the problem with his brand of self-reliance, he’s not going to be fine until he tries a million different things all by himself…and then asks for help. But enough about my brother, let’s get you set up. What are you in the mood for?”
Judah walked his bourbon and coke to a quiet table in the back. Fact was, all the tables were quiet this early, but he didn’t want to chance having to talk to anyone.
He’d brought his knapsack with him, and set it on the chair to his right, pulling out his book. Sure, he was going to look like a big weirdo, reading at a bar, but he couldn’t do it at home, not with all those people, and he had to escape somehow. If he couldn’t get free of his own mind at home, he’d do it here, with a story that took place halfway across the universe.
Sergeant Pelman knew better than to speak with the Zax, began the chapter. No other species in the galaxy was so hell-bent on destruction and violence, with no regard to common human decency…because they weren’t human. He should’ve packed a neutrino bomb. Instead, he’d come empty-handed. Rationality would win the day…or it wouldn’t. But he couldn’t bring peace to the system by blowing up the Zax. He knew that.
“And I thought I was the biggest geek in town,” said a voice, and Judah looked up. His face brightened when he saw it was Alex…but then his smile faltered.
“What are you doing here?” he asked.
“Same as you, I imagine,” Alex said, navigating his way into the chair opposite, leaning his crutches against the table. “Escaping. Things are too fucking tense right now. I shouldn’t have told anyone anything. Suddenly Mason’s acting like the big daddy dog protecting his pup, and I just can’t stand it.”
I don’t know what to say to you, and I’m so scared I’ll say something wrong and then you won’t want to talk to me anymore.
He dog-eared the page in his book and closed it. “Can I get you something to drink?”
“Toby’s bringing me something. He promises to make it strong. What’re you reading?”
Judah held up the book, and Alex nodded.
“Maybe it’s not great literature,” started Judah, but Alex held up a hand.
“Nobody’s judging. Don’t be defensive.”
“I’m not being defensive.”
Alex groaned and stretched out the broken leg. “What a fucking day.”
Yes, the day your ex returned and you sniped at me.
His mind raced towards possible solutions to this discomfort he felt. He wasn’t used to feeling this around Alex. Not since those first fumbling moments when Alex had first fractured his leg, and Judah hadn’t been sure what to do. It was like he was right back then, confused, unsure of himself, certain only that Alex needed his help but utterly impotent to assist.
On the other hand, his drink was cold and strong, and he took a painfully frosty swallow before setting his glass back down.
“Probably you don’t want to talk about this afternoon,” Judah said. There, have some room to talk about your feelings and I promise I won’t try to fix anything.
Alex looked at him, an unreadable expression behind his eyes. He studied Judah for a long moment. “You know how you’ll get a picture of your life?” he said finally. “Like, you’ll have this dream of what adult life is like, when you’re younger?”
“Yes, I thought mine would involve more giant computers and lasers.”
“Exactly. And I thought mine would be quiet. That’s what I imagined most, for some reason. Not like, any traumatic reason, I had a pretty normal childhood. But I always pictured quiet. I’d wander through the library, kind of amazed that everyone was whispering. Like, what made them whisper? Was it just the librarian keeping an eye on everyone? What power did she wield? And then as I got older, and decided I wanted to run my own business, I just pictured silence. Maybe no customers at all. Just me, sitting among my books. Quiet.”
“It’s a nice image.”
“I don’t like drama. I don’t want it in my life, not at all. Ian being here, it’s just too noisy, if you see what I’m saying. And everyone offering to help, it just amps up the
noise. I shouldn’t have gotten people involved. Now they’ve all got the wrong idea, like I want some big dramatic finale that kicks him out of town. But that’s not it. I just want it all to calm down.”
Am I too noisy too? Does this include me?
Judah didn’t know how to ask that. Didn’t know if he should. Wasn’t it pretty selfish to even worry about their quote-unquote relationship, when Alex was going through this? Wasn’t Alex giving him exactly what he wanted, a super-clear signal?
The whole problem with listening is, it keeps you from asking all the questions you want to ask.
Another sip, to pause, to think.
“It must be pretty bad,” he said weakly, the clumsiest sympathy anyone in the world had ever offered.
Yet Alex nodded. “It sucks. And I know everyone means well, don’t get me wrong. I’m not mad at Mason or Toby or anybody. I just… Well, you know how it is.”
“You want to handle this on your own.”
“See? You get me. You get me better than my own brother.”
That’s because I like you and want to spend all my time with you and wish I could figure this out for you so we could get Ian out of the way and it could just be you and me.
There was nothing he could say to that, and nothing he had to say, since Toby arrived with a drink for Alex.
“Everything all right?” Toby said, looking from his brother to Judah.
“We’re good,” said Alex.
“Listen, if you need—”
“All I need is a refill after this one is done.”
“Yessir,” grunted Toby, clearly not happy with that answer, but headed back to the bar.
“You see?” Alex said. “The thing is, Ian was always like that too. Always. You drop a piece of paper? Let me get that for you. It takes you a second to find a restaurant on your phone? Let me handle that. After a while, you get the picture that someone really doesn’t think you’re capable of living in the world. I got so depressed. He was starting to sell books, starting to be a success…and here I was, feeling like a failure in literally everything I did. Things got dark for a while.”
