by Rachel Kane
Sitting this close to him was nice.
Nice. There was a stupid word for it. It was the first time he’d felt normal all day, having Alex this close.
Please don’t ruin it by saying something wrong, he thought to himself. He was just so grateful Alex was here, he didn’t dare say anything about his feelings. There’d be time for that later. After he wasn’t so tired, after life wasn’t so busy. For now, he just wanted to relax.
“You’re the lucky one,” said Alex. “At least you didn’t have Ian shadowing you all day. I tried to get rid of him, but he honestly wouldn’t leave the store. Bastian looked ready to kill me by the end of it.”
“Maybe he’d stab you with his sharp jawline.”
“Poison me with his Parisian hair products.”
“I’m sorry you had to spend your day with two beautiful, wealthy, cultured men,” Judah said.
That, by the way, was an opportunity for you to tell me I’m just as pretty as them.
“Ian keeps a list of every bookstore he visits, everywhere in the world. Sometimes I think he has been to them all. There’s this one in Iceland that has a thatched roof, and a tree growing from the middle of it.”
“Doesn’t it rain inside?” asked Judah.
“He said, Why don’t you do something like that here? And I reminded him of our summer thunderstorms. The last thing anyone needs is to be hit with hail in the cookbook section. And then he started in on me leaving again.”
Judah sat upright. “Leaving?”
“Oh, you know, I think I told you about that, how he was before. Superbia’s too small a town for me, it doesn’t appreciate me, I’d do so much better elsewhere. That’s why he was listing all those other bookstores off, to try to convince me to pack up my shop and go somewhere nicer.”
“Superbia’s plenty nice! We’ve got the river, and the Red Cat, and—”
“And Ian loves it all…as a tourist destination. God, he even started talking about setting a mystery here, can you imagine? But he thinks the town is strangling my potential. That’s the exact phrase he used. Strangling.”
Judah blinked and looked down at his hands, which were clasped chastely in his lap. “Are you…thinking about it? Moving?”
Alex shrugged. “I understand what he means. If it weren’t for the fact that Violet Mulgrew charges me such little in rent, I’m not sure I could afford to have the store. You and Mrs. Fortune are my biggest customers. It’s fine for now…but what about ten years from now? Is this really where I see myself?”
A cold chill worked its way through Judah, the hair on his arms beginning to stand up. There was so much to say to this. How could he be thinking about leaving, when they’d only just started seeing one another, even though they weren’t really seeing one another? There were ways to solve the problem, though. Becoming a used book dealer specializing in rare volumes, for instance, could keep the store in the black for some time to come. Having a more vigorous online presence, perhaps some co-marketing with other regional bookstores…
Let me fix this!
All he could see was Liam in his head, tut-tutting. Listening instead of helping, right?
“That must be a lot to think about,” he said, hoping that was the right way to say that he was listening.
Alex gave him a strange look. “Well, it is.”
“Yes. And you must have some feelings about that.”
“I do have some feelings about it. Judah…is everything okay?”
Please put your problems into my hands, I can fix everything—
“Of course. I’m just tired. Long day at work.”
“Do you want me to…?”
A lot hinged on that last, unspoken word.
Did Judah want Alex to go? Did he want him to stay?
“What do you feel like doing?” Judah asked him.
“You are tired,” said Alex. “That’s why you’re acting a little weird tonight. Well, listen, I’m going to go to bed, because I have a lot more to do tomorrow to get ready for this book signing. Ads to put in the paper, calls to make. Ian has really dumped a huge load of work onto my lap. But let’s talk tomorrow, okay? After we’ve both had some sleep.”
Alex pushed himself up off the bed, and grabbed his crutches. He took another look back at Judah, and Judah smiled weakly at him.
I don’t know what to say to you. I’m not allowed to fix anything. And I can’t tell you all my worries, because that would be even worse than fixing. Why can’t you just read my mind?
“Oh, and one more thing, I left Thaddeus Mulgrew a voicemail,” Alex said. “I asked him if he had found out anything else about the lions. Just thought you might be interested to know that.”
You can stay! Why won’t you stay?
Was it because of Ian? Was it because when Alex looked at Judah, he saw someone who just couldn’t match Ian’s style and fame?
No, Alex isn’t shallow like that!
If he let Alex walk out of the room without at least trying to talk to him, then he was an idiot. He had to try, even though this was the thing he was worst at, feelings.
“Do you want to stay?” he asked.
Alex glanced at the bed. “Here? With you?”
“Yes, that was the general idea.”
“Rather than in my big luxurious bed with all the pillows?”
“I wasn’t going to invite myself to your room,” Judah said. “That’d be rude.”
Alex rolled his eyes. “Yes, heaven forbid we both get the good pillows. Come on.”
“All right, spill it,” said Alex.
“There’s nothing to spill!” insisted Judah.
They were lying on their backs on the unmade bed. Both were still fully clothed. That, to Judah, seemed to symbolize something, but it wasn’t like he could be pushy right now. If he stripped off and started kissing Alex, what would happen?
Well, sex, probably.
Or rejection! It could be rejection! And that would wreck everything.
Life was like a tangled mess of code, and the programmer didn’t bother to document anything, so how could you possibly trace every routine, every recursion, every action to all its million reactions? It made Judah want to curl up into a little ball.
“Normally by this point in the night one of us is wrecking the other’s body and dignity,” said Alex, “but I can’t help but notice we’re lying here in our work clothes, with our shoes on no less. Something’s up.”
“I don’t want to burden you with anything,” Judah said. “You have enough going on.”
Alex smirked. “Burden me? That’s not the sort of word you use, Judah. Tell me what the hell is going on.”
Finally, Judah threw his head back onto the pillows and sighed. “It’s Ian.”
“Oh lord, has he gotten to you too? Has he given you advice? Where did he tell you to move?”
The fright in Alex’s hurried words gave Judah a little hope. Maybe all wasn’t lost after all. “Do you…” He cleared his throat and tried again. “Do you ever think of getting back with Ian? He’s so handsome. He’s perfect.”
Alex’s laughter filled the room, a mixture of delight and bitterness. “He’s a steamroller. Are you kidding me? If he hadn’t suddenly decided Bastian was his muse, I would’ve had to do the breaking up myself.”
“You don’t think he’s attractive?”
“Oh, sure, he’s gorgeous, but so what?”
“So…so what? He’s everything I’m not.”
Alex’s eyes narrowed. “Everything you’re not…oh. Oh, come on, Judah, really? You’re not jealous. Tell me you’re not.”
“It’s not on purpose! I don’t want to be jealous!”
Alex collapsed down onto the bed laughing, as though it was the funniest thing he’d ever heard. “Of Ian? My god, Judah, do you really not listen? Do you have cotton in your ears? I will never, ever, ever, get back together with Ian. Don’t you see that? I feel awful when I’m around him. I feel like I can’t do anything for myself. Do you know, he was at
the store today, and someone came in to buy a book, and Ian actually did the transaction for me? Wouldn’t let me use the cash register? He’s a control freak. Nice? Yes, very nice. Beautiful? In his own way, sure. But a total control freak nonetheless.”
“That’s what Liam says about me, by the way.” Judah sat up. “He says I try to fix everything.”
“Yes, I’ve noticed.”
“But that’s a bad thing, right? It reminds you too much of Ian?”
Alex shook his head, then looked straight into his eyes. “I don’t know what’s gotten into you, Judah.”
Don’t be an idiot. Say what you were going to say at Toady’s, before you were interrupted.
Yeah, but I’m not even sure what I was going to say then…I just knew I had to say something.
“Alex.”
“Yes.”
“Can I… What I mean is…”
“After spending a day listening to Ian, your lack of words is refreshing.”
“Just listen, okay?”
All the mirth in Alex’s face died, like a candle-flame snuffed out, and he drew closer to Judah. “Sure.”
“I’m no good with feelings. Liam’s right about that. I have them and don’t know what to do with them. So I’m going to say this, and it’s going to be clumsy and awful, and you have to sit there and listen.”
“Are you trying to build up suspense? Because I’m already listening.”
“This friends thing we have…it’s not working for me.”
Alex’s face fell, and he seemed to move almost imperceptibly away from Judah. Suddenly he looked very noble, as though he were about to suffer a fate he had long suspected but also long avoided, like an innocent prisoner on death row. “Judah, I’m sorry, I didn’t—”
“Will you please let me keep talking? This is really hard! I like you, okay?”
Alex’s eyes brightened again. Follow that, thought Judah. It’s like you’re listening, except you’re looking instead.
“Well, you know I like you too,” Alex said.
“No. I mean, I like you. I mean, these recent days—before Ian got here—have been one of the happiest times of my life.”
Suddenly the distance between them was gone, even though neither of them had seemed to shift at all in the bed. Hip to clothed hip, they were so close Judah could feel Alex’s quickening breath.
“I’ve been really happy too,” whispered Alex.
“That’s why I’ve been so weird since Ian got here, okay? Here I am, trying to tell you I want to be more than friends, and I don’t know how, and I’m trying to figure it out, when suddenly Mr. Gorgeous Globetrotter shows up at our door, ready to sweep you off your feet!”
Alex reached over and grabbed Judah’s shirt. He tugged him forward as though to kiss him, except instead, his lips against Judah’s, he breathed, “You know that’s bullshit, right? You know I would never go back to Ian.”
“I’ll never be as cool as he is.”
Alex’s lips were like silk, smooth and soft, as he purred, “First off, I don’t think that’s true. Second, it’s not a competition. Even if I wanted Ian—and I can’t tell you how much I do not want him, not at all—he’s got Bastian now. He’s moved on. I’ve moved on. Everybody’s…well, you get the picture.”
“Moved on.”
“Exactly.” Each syllable of the word made Alex’s tongue do interesting things against the roof of his mouth, and Judah wanted nothing more than to press his lips against Alex while he said it, to feel those syllables rather than hear them.
“I was scared to say anything because I didn’t know how you feel,” said Judah. “Actually, I guess I still don’t.”
Alex kissed him then, a deep, breath-stealing kiss that sent Judah’s toes curling in pleasure, that had every hair on his body standing up in excited anticipation. “Listen. No,” said Alex, brushing Judah’s hand away from his thigh, “listen to me just for a minute, okay? Because this is important.”
“This is important,” said Judah, returning his hand to Alex’s legs, stroking them, moving his fingers upward. He hadn’t felt this light in his entire life, like he might just float above the bed. His heart was like a balloon, so full it felt like it might burst, a giddy, dangerous feeling, like having one too many drinks, on the border between having a buzz and going too far, and too far seemed exactly the right direction to go.
“It’s just…I have to be careful,” said Alex, and the import of what he was saying finally got through Judah’s lust-ridden thoughts.
He blinked. “Careful?”
“I like you too, Judah. So much. All I want to do is lie around naked and talk books and eat cake from downstairs and then have you inside me. Maybe all at the same time.”
“I will go downstairs and get cake right now.”
“But…I don’t want this to be a rebound thing, okay? I don’t want to use you. Do you know what I mean?”
Judah shook his head. “I don’t.”
Alex grinned and sighed and shook his head, all at the same time. “The first time I kissed you, it was because I was mad at Ian. I don’t regret that at all. It was the right decision, and I have loved every second we’ve been together. But Ian’s still here, and I have to be sure that me getting closer to you isn’t just a reaction to that. I have to be sure that I’m not leading you astray, just to make myself feel better about Ian.”
Funny how quickly worry could steal back over you, without you even realizing it.
The line between day and night is called the terminator, and it traces an inexorable, relentless path across the earth. All the lights in the world cannot stay its journey by even a second. Night arrives when it arrives. It listens to no one. And if you’re not careful, sometimes you find yourself in the dark without realizing how much time has passed. You look up, and suddenly it is night, and you are lost, and very alone.
The terminator had passed over Judah, covering him in a darkness made of fear.
“What are you saying?” His voice was dry and hollow.
“I’m saying we have to take it slowly. That’s all. Please, Judah, don’t look like that. Please? I’m not saying we have to stop. Do you understand? I am not saying that, not in a million years. I’m just saying, I have to be careful. I have to be fair—to me, to you.”
He felt strangled. “Should I… Should I go?”
“What? Oh my god, you’re taking it exactly the wrong way. You’re not going anywhere.” Alex pushed his shoulders down, pinning him to the bed. “You don’t know how this stuff works, but I’m protecting you, okay? Ian is right about one thing, I’m impractical. My head is in the clouds. I don’t want to do anything that hurts you. We have to keep things slow.”
“And that means that you hate me and wish you’d never gone to bed with me, right?”
Alex nodded and kissed him again. “You’re so smart, Judah. You understand me perfectly. So much hatred, burning in me. You big goof.”
How could anyone’s lips feel like this, warm and cool at the same time, how could anyone’s tongue dance so lightly over one’s own?
Now Alex rose up to look down at him. “Does it make sense now?”
Judah nodded, his eyes nearly closed. “Sure. Of course. Everything’s great. Thanks for talking me through that.”
“No problem. Now, I think the resort has a strict no shoes in bed policy, so if you’ll just…”
Later, after Alex was asleep, Judah slipped out of his bed. The frame creaked, and he paused for a moment, Alex moving around in his sleep but not waking. Judah was more careful this time, rising soundlessly. He felt around in his dark for his underwear and clothes, flicking away the condom that rested atop his socks. He couldn’t leave that on the floor, though, and so he tiptoed to the bathroom, wrapped the used rubber in some tissues, and set it gently into the trash bin. Then, as quietly as he could, he pulled on his shirt and pants, buckling his belt. He leaned down next to the bed and picked up his socks and shoes.
He took another look at the ma
n in the bed, the faintest glow of moonlight outlining him under the sheets. So lean and beautiful like this, sprawled without a care in the world, only the stiffness of the cast seeming at odds with his deep relaxation. Alex really was something else.
Judah bit his lip. Keep it slow. That was reasonable, wasn’t it? Hadn’t Alex asked for a reasonable thing?
It wasn’t Alex’s fault that it had hurt so much that Judah didn’t know what to do.
Good night, friend. I’m glad to have you.
25
Alex
Something had finally gone right.
Alex had said exactly what he needed to say to Judah. It might’ve been the first conversation in his life where he had made his feelings known in a coherent, reasonable way.
Let’s go slow. It sounded so grown-up! And it had the benefit of being mostly true.
There was a part of Alex that didn’t care, that wanted to rush right in with his heart wide open, to forget about all the context surrounding what was happening between him and Judah.
But that was the part that kept getting him hurt, the part where he let his feelings get ahead of his safety.
The part where he broke his foot in the gutter because he wasn’t paying close enough attention to the world around him.
Let’s go slow. It was the perfect remedy to the spiral of emotions inside him right now, the thunderstorm mixture of lust and longing and happiness—and wariness and worry and fear.
Because he was afraid of what he felt for Judah. He hadn’t been kidding about that. This was happening fast, and it was happening while Alex’s last failed relationship was weighing heavily on his mind. He couldn’t help but feel like he needed to apologize to Judah for dragging him into this, even though Judah had been perfectly willing to be dragged. The last thing either of them needed was to rush forward just because Alex was in such a confused spot emotionally.
Confused, not about Judah—not at all, he was very clear on the subject of Judah. But confused about whether he had really healed after Ian. Confused about whether he had taken enough time to be in the right frame of mind for a new relationship.
