by Lily Light
I washed the plates and cutleries for a few minutes and left them to dry on a towel spread on the kitchen counter. I finally looked at Ryan, who hadn’t left. I crossed my arms.
“Fine, I told you how I felt. So I’m guessing you feel nothing for me?” I asked, point-blank.
I realized I wanted to hear the answer from his lips. I wanted him to lie to my face.
“That’s not true,” he said softly. “It’s been wonderful living with you but I haven’t worked out what I feel for you.”
“So you do have feelings for me?” I pressed.
Ryan hugged himself and I was tempted to go to him, to bring him to my arms. I’d bring him to our bedroom and fuck all his stress and fears away. Except sex wasn’t the solution.
“I do,” he admitted. “But I’m not ready to admit that what we have could be real. Can’t we just enjoy this arrangement a little more? Are you unhappy?”
“No. It’s the exact opposite,” I said. I was content, but I also wanted more.
I didn’t tell him that though because I was terrified of scaring him off. Ryan made an excellent point. We had a good thing going between the two of us. Why ruin it?
“Then we’re on the same page or do you want to leave?” He finally asked.
The thought of losing him made my heart ache. I’d rather pretend things were fine, then wake up to an empty bed and apartment.
“Yeah, we are. Sorry for bringing this up so suddenly.”
“No, it’s fine. We needed to talk. You were right. We needed to resolve some issues.”
“Well, now that the hard part’s over, why don’t we head to the bedroom?” I asked in a teasing voice.
I tried to steer the topic to more pleasant things. My confidence took a massive battering but the night wasn’t over.I wanted to lose myself in Ryan and he looked like he had the same idea.
Ryan reached for my fingers and led the way to the bedroom.
15
Ryan
“So let me get this straight. He told you he loved you?” Ian asked me the next morning.
Ian furrowed his brows when I dropped two sugar cubes in my coffee. He knew I was stressed. I usually drank my coffee black. When I added sugar, it was because something was bothering me.
“Not exactly,” I admitted. “He said he was beginning to think this arrangement between us feels real.”
“Don’t you feel the same way?” Ian asked.
I couldn’t erase the look of dejection in Noah’s eyes from my mind. To me, he’d always been my brother’s cocky and confident best friend. Nothing ever fazed Noah. Up until last night, I didn’t think anything or anyone could hurt him. But I did. I made him flinch.
My stomach twisted into knots. I sipped my sweet coffee but it didn’t calm me down one bit. I didn’t have a lot of work today and Noah left earlier than usual.
I knew things between us were awkward, but we still had mind-blowing sex last night. He also kissed me before he went to work. I set my coffee cup down and touched the spot where he kissed me.
“Ryan?” Ian prodded.
“Sorry, distracted. I don’t know.” I admitted. “Why did he have to bring this topic up? Why couldn’t we just pretend things were peachy and normal between us?”
Ian rolled his eyes. “Dude, nothing between you guys is normal. I mean who fake marries his brother’s best friend for months? Honestly, I didn’t think you guys would last. Did you hear about Parker and Dave?”
“What about them?” I asked with a frown.
“They’re getting a divorce.”
“What?”
The news should’ve made me the vengeful part of me happy, except it didn’t. I no longer gave a damn about Parker and Dave. Parker messaged me a few times over the past two weeks, asking if we could meet again.
He claimed he needed a friend he could talk to but I wasn’t in the mood to hear him bitch about Dave. Ian said it was weird Parker stayed in touch with me. I agreed.
“Yeah, apparently they’ve been having problems from the start. Dave claims Parker cheated on him but Parker says it's the other way around.”
“Wait a second,” I began. “How did you know all this? I never knew you were close to either of those guys.”
“I’m not. They had this argument on Facebook,” he said.
Ian unlocked his phone and showed me their posts.
“Wow,” I finally said. I only took a quick look at the screen.
I wasn’t going to waste any of my precious time reading every single post. I nursed my coffee. If Parker and Dave were done, then wasn’t it about time Noah and I also divorced?
The thought made me queasy. I recalled Noah’s hopeful look last night. He’d been frank and honest with me. He bared his heart and what did I do return? Practically stomped on it.
I always thought Noah would be the first to fold when it came to our fake relationship. I figured he’d sleep with some hot guy he picked up in a bar and our jig would be up.
Noah however, had been steady as a ship. The two of us went out only once, maybe twice a week. Most of the time, we’d laze around in the apartment. We’d stayed out late, binge-watching my latest Korean drama.
I knew Noah didn’t care for my shows but he watched them with me anyway.
“Earth to Ryan.” Ian waved a hand in front of my face. “Will you be able to do any work when you’re like this?”
I blinked at my best friend. “Sure. I think.”
“So back to you and Noah. Are you two just really going to pretend everything’s ok?”
“You think it’s a bad idea, huh?”
I knew in my heart it was because Noah deserved someone better. I was indecisive, too terrified of going all the way . I always allowed my emotions to get the better of me.
“Of course it is. Pretending everything’s fine when it’s not is only a recipe of disaster,” he said.
“Yeah, I know that, too. I just got to think about this more,” I finally answered.
“Well, I hate to eat and bolt but I got to return to my project.”
“That’s fine. Talk to you later?”
“Update me.”
Once Ian left, the kitchen was empty again. I turned my computer on, but work was far from my mind. Jumping into this arrangement with Noah had been a mistake. That had been one of my earlier doubts but not anymore.
What was I going to do? My phone rang and I picked it up, unthinkingly, hoping it was Noah. I was wrong. It was the last person on earth I wanted to talk to.
“Hey, Ryan. It’s Parker. I’ve been texting you,” he said.
“Yeah, well. I’ve been really busy with work.”
I could almost imagine him rolling his eyes because he never really thought much about what I did for a living. Unlike Noah.
Noah thought my job was awesome because I didn’t need to wear a suit to work. He was right. I was my own boss and I loved it.
“So you probably heard.” Parker let out a long-suffering sigh.
Now I genuinely regretted answering my phone.
“Uh-huh. Listen, Parker, is there any point to this call? Because I really got to go back to work.”
“Wait, don’t hang up on me.” The desperation in his voice gave me pause. “I need to see you, Ryan. To talk. As friends.”
“Ex-boyfriends generally don’t make good friends.” I pointed out.
I should’ve been clear about this from the beginning.
“Ryan, I don’t have anyone I can talk to. All our friends sided with Dave. Meet me at the cafe in an hour. Please.” Parker ended the call.
I stared at my cellphone. Did Parker truly think I’d go out and meet him? I wanted to go just to give him a piece of my damn mind. Maybe I should. I’d tell him to stop bothering me. Unlike Parker, I was in a good place.
You blew Noah off last night, a voice inside my head whispered. Things between Noah and you aren’t fine.
I sucked in a breath. My phone pinged. This time, it was a text from Noah. It was already
lunchtime? What have I been doing the entire day? I felt unproductive and miserable.
Noah was asking me what I was eating for lunch. I decided to tell him the truth.
Ryan: Parker’s been pestering me so I’m meeting him for coffee. Don’t worry, I’m just going to tell him to fuck off.
Noah: That sounds like a bad idea. Don’t meet him.
I stared at his words a few seconds. What the hell? Noah couldn’t just dictate who I should or shouldn’t meet. I didn’t reply to his text. I huffed, grabbing another coffee. Now more than ever, I was determined to meet Parker.
I didn’t plan on staying long. I took a shower and prepared for my coffee date with Parker.
“Ryan, thank God you came. For a second I thought you’d blow me off,” Parker said, smiling at me in relief. “What do you want to drink? I’ll order for you.”
“No drinks,” I said, dragging a chair out. I sat down. “Listen, Parker, I came here to tell you that we can’t do this anymore.”
“But we’re friends,” he blurted.
“We are not friends,” I said. “I’ll listen to you just this one last time only because I’m such a pushover. After this, you have to call someone else to rant to.”
“I don’t rant.” He looked sullen.
Parker must’ve been really desperate to talk to someone because he started complaining to me about Dave.
I listened to him with half an ear. I looked out the windows, wondering why I came here in the first place.
Was it because listening to someone else’s problems helped distract me from my own?
Was it my imagination or was Noah crossing the sidewalk? I rubbed at my eyes. Hell no. He really was. Noah spotted me and gave me a terse nod.
What the hell? Noah had work, didn’t he? Noah looked ready to punch someone’s lights out and I had a feeling it was Parker.
“…so I have to find my own place,” Parker finally finished.
I rubbed my sweaty palms over my jeans as Noah entered the cafe. He looked good in his navy suit. His hair was slightly windblown but that only made him look sexier.
I was worried he’d start some kind of macho fight with Parker but he only ordered coffee and grabbed a table by the door.
“What am I going to do now, Ryan?” He finally asked.
“You need to figure out what you want to do next on your own. This is as far we go, Parker. My man doesn’t like us seeing each other and I agree with him. It’s unhealthy.”
I thought Parker had a nasty retort ready for me but he only looked like a guy who got punched in the face.
“You’re right.” Parker scrubbed at his face. “I’m sorry. I asked if I could see you because I wondered if there was any chance we could get back together.”
“Parker, I’m happily married.”
I placed an emphasis on ‘happy’. Parker didn’t need to know Noah and I wasn’t exactly the perfect couple we portrayed on social media.
“I was desperate,” he admitted. “But now I know better. Thanks for giving me the time of the day, Ryan.”
He stood and held out his hand, which I shook. Parker walked to the door, he paused when he saw Noah. Parker shook his head and kept on walking. Noah grabbed his cup and sat in the chair Parker occupied earlier.
“So, my husband’s a stalker,” I began.
Noah glowered at me. “I told you not to see him.”
“Give me a chance to explain.”
Noah sipped his coffee. He was definitely jealous. Why did I find that hot? I should’ve fessed up to him last night, I realized. Tell him I was beginning to fall for him, too. Now, it was too late. I had to clear up this misunderstanding first.
“I’m listening,” he said.
I didn’t like his tone one bit but I decided to let it go.
“I met Parker so I could tell him face-to-face to stop contacting me. It’s the only way to cut him out of my life completely. He has the mistaken impression that we’re friends.”
“I heard him, you know. He thought he could win you back.”
“And I told him I was taken.”
“Are you really?” Noah asked.
I let out a heavy sigh. “We’re bringing up last night again? I thought we resolved things.”
I didn’t like being backed into a corner. I acted in unpredictable and rash ways. Just like Noah. I knew I should get a handle on my emotions but it seemed like Noah was sporting for a fight.
“I thought long and hard about what you said last night,” Noah began.
He took deep breaths and seemed to calm down. He was back to being the thoughtful and sometimes unexpectedly sweet Noah I knew and loved. Wait. Loved?
I couldn’t be in love with this man. We’ve only been pretend married for two months. Except it had been a little longer than that. I’ve loved him since I was fifteen. That crush never really went away.
“And what have you decided?” Why was I feeling so nervous?
“I loved living with you,” he said, making my heart hammer.
What was going on? His next few words felt like a death sentence. Was Noah trying to break things off with me?
He continued, “I understand you don’t feel the same way as I do and that’s fine but I can’t keep pretending.”
I swallowed the bile that rose in my throat. This wasn’t what I wanted to happen. I wanted to keep living the pretend married life with Noah, but that wouldn’t be fair to him at all.
“So this is a mutual breakup?” I blurted those words unthinkingly.
Don’t make things any more awkward between the two of you, I reminded myself.
Noah looked wrung out. Disappointed. He nodded. “Mutual sounds good.”
The next morning, I automatically reached for Noah’s big body in bed. He wasn’t there. I opened my eyes. The space next to me was definitely empty. I didn’t hear the shower running either. Maybe Noah went to work early?
I rubbed at my eyes, yawning. Then last night’s awful talk came crashing back to me. I sat up gingerly in bed. Noah had taken the couch last night. He didn’t join me in bed. I couldn’t sleep.
I kept tossing and turning but I must’ve fallen asleep eventually. I drew a shaky breath and dragged myself out of bed.
I needed to fix what I broke last night ASAP. I hadn’t been thinking straight when I asked Noah if this was a mutual breakup. I just shut down and didn’t even listen to his side of things.
I felt like a jerk. I left the room but found the sofa neat and tidy. The blanket Noah used lay folded on the coffee table.
“Noah?” I called out.
I went in search of him, although my heart was beating rapidly. I didn’t know what to say to him once I found him. It turned out he wasn’t anywhere in the apartment. I ended up in the bathroom. I splashed more water on my face.
I frowned, opening the cabinet where we stashed our toiletries. For a second, my hardly awake brain tried to figure out what was wrong.
His shaver, shaving cream, extra bars of soap, and his favorite condoms were gone. My stomach was in knots, I ran back to the bedroom and flung the closet door open. The space I’d cleared for him had been emptied out as well.
I clenched my fists by my sides and felt like an idiot. Of course, Noah wouldn’t want to continue living with me anymore after the shitty way I treated him yesterday.
I walked back to my bedroom. I was about to grab my phone from the small table next to the bed. I paused, finally noticing the note under my phone. Noah probably placed it there knowing I’d see it right away. I picked it up.
I read his message outloud, “Dear Ryan, I didn’t want to wake you but I’ve packed my belongings and moved out. These past few weeks have been the best. Don’t be a stranger. Let’s continue to be friends.”
Friends? I rubbed the tears that had gathered at the corner of my eyes hastily. This couldn’t be happening but it was. I touched Noah’s little note over and over again as if that could somehow convince him to change his mind.
“It’s a
ll over. He’s gone and it’s all your fault,” I whispered to the bedroom.
It felt so empty without him. I already missed hearing the familiar sound of his laughter. His smile made me feel so good inside.
This was better for the both of us. At first, I thought Noah would be the first to walk away from our arrangement.
Noah did nothing wrong. He’d been nothing but devoted and wonderful. The best husband I could ever ask for. I was the faulty one. Noah deserved someone better. Stable. I could tell myself that a thousand times but I selfishly still wanted him back.
Too bad my Noah was gone. I made my bed, now I had to lie in it.
16
Noah
I slumped against the sofa and reached for my can of beer. Finding it empty, I sighed. I squinted at the TV screen. I stopped bothering to read the subtitles a while ago.
My stomach rumbled, reminding me my last meal had been breakfast. A couple of Twinkies. It was 11.30 pm now. I had an early meeting tomorrow but I didn’t want to go to sleep yet.
The uncomfortable and empty sofa was a stark reminder of what I’ve lost.
What I sorely missed was waking up next to Ryan’s lean and tempting body stretched out next to me. Ryan resting his head on my chest and Ryan’s hand playing with my dick.
Sure, I missed the incredible sex but I missed being around Ryan more. The two of us simply clicked.
Someone turned the lights on in the living room and I groaned. Jordan came into my line of sight. My best friend undid his tie and looked at the beer cans on the coffee table.
“Can you move? You’re blocking my show,” I demanded.
While I appreciated Jordan offering me a place to stay, I wished Jordan would leave me alone. I had a job. I could easily get my own place but part of me still hoped that somehow, Ryan would reconsider his decision.
“You usually hate Korean dramas,” Jordan remarked.
“I don’t hate them. I just don’t get all the hype.”
