by K. L. Slater
‘I think I’ll just go and freshen up.’ She rises from her seat.
Ben pushes his own chair back and begins to stand.
‘No, Ben, you stay here.’ She smiles weakly. ‘Enjoy your lunch and your roasted potatoes.’
Then she slips quietly out of the room.
‘Oh dear,’ Ben says forlornly as we hear her stomping upstairs to the bathroom. ‘I think we might’ve upset her.’
‘I don’t see how,’ I say, forking slices of succulent beef onto my plate. ‘Amber is fond of airing her views; surely she doesn’t mind others doing the same.’
I can barely keep the smile from my face. Today’s score: Judi 1: Amber 0.
26
Josh
‘Is it my go yet?’ Josh asked his older brother.
He was sick of watching Noah build the Minecraft stadium. The rules were that they alternated. Daddy had said it again before they all left the house that morning. They were supposed to take turns on building duties because Daddy hadn’t yet found a way they could both play using the same computer server.
Noah had been assembling the final rows of tiered seats for ages. He’d definitely had more than his fair share of turns.
Josh’s heart sank as he watched the seat rows slowly growing wider and higher. Soon the whole thing would be finished and Noah would have done it all himself, and that wasn’t fair because it didn’t feel as good as when you’d both done it together.
It wasn’t how you were supposed to play nicely.
‘Is it my go yet?’ he asked again.
But Noah wouldn’t answer; he was pretending he hadn’t heard. Josh recognised the tightening of his brother’s lips and his false determined staring at the computer monitor. He knew that Noah had heard every word and that he was going to finish the stadium seating all on his own anyway.
Even worse, Josh knew there was nothing he could do about it, because Daddy was always busy with Amber now and Nanny didn’t understand the first thing about Minecraft so it was no good telling her either.
Noah never used to act like this. Yes, he had always been the one with all the good ideas, but Josh had had a say in stuff too, even though he was only little. And they’d always made important Minecraft decisions together. It had made Josh feel quite grown up.
Lately Noah had taken to acting like he was the one in charge, and Josh didn’t like it. He didn’t like it one bit.
He glanced over at his daddy, in the faint hope that he might have noticed Noah’s bad behaviour, but of course Daddy had been sitting for ages on the settee, whispering with Amber. Josh noticed they did this a lot, and Amber always giggled at the things Daddy said, and yet when he wasn’t around, she hardly ever even smiled.
Daddy and Amber spent a lot of time staring into each other’s eyes, as if they might find something interesting there if they looked hard enough.
When the brothers had gone up to their bedroom last night, Noah had said that Daddy and Amber were being gross and it made him want to be sick all over the carpet and even on Amber’s pink varnished toenails.
Before Amber had removed all the photos of Mummy, Daddy had sat them both down and explained that whilst they would always remember and love Mummy, now that Amber had moved in, perhaps it was a good time to take the pictures down. But Noah whispered to Josh that it was never going to be a good time, and when Daddy wasn’t looking, he slipped one of the photographs under his jumper and took it upstairs to hide under his pillow.
And it was Amber who’d told Daddy to take their toys upstairs. ‘They’re not babies any more, Ben, they’re quite capable of playing upstairs in their bedroom when they come home from school.’
She’d made them pack all the toys into a big white plastic box. Noah had kicked the Monopoly set and all the money and playing pieces fell out. When Amber told him off, he said the bad word, bitch, under his breath. If you said that word at school, you had to stay in at break time for a whole week.
Josh liked Amber. She smelled nice and sometimes she sat and helped him with his reading.
But Noah didn’t like her at all. He made Amber annoyed, and she hissed things at him when Daddy went out of the room. Josh couldn’t hear what she said and Noah wouldn’t tell him.
They never went with Daddy to the park now to catch taddies in the washed-out jam jars that Nanny gave them. Daddy hadn’t even played football in the garden with them for ages; he was too busy whispering with Amber.
Josh stared out of the window. The garden at Nanny and Grandad’s house was much bigger than this one, and the grass was level and mowed smooth by Mr Buxton, a neighbour who was also a retired landscape gardener but still did some bits on the side.
Last summer Nanny said they could invite some school friends over for a kickabout. Everyone had loved it, even Archie Jepson, who was a brilliant goalie in the year above Noah at school and whose dad had once trialled for Spurs. Archie had told all the other boys that their pitch set-up was brilliant.
Josh sighed and banged on the floor with the heel of his hand. ‘You’ve had your turn now, Noah,’ he said when his brother began on a new section of seating.
But Noah ignored him.
Josh might just tell Amber that Noah was being selfish. She’d sort him out, and if Noah gave her any lip he’d have to go up to bed, leaving Josh in sole charge of the stadium.
Even though by that time he knew it would be far too late. All the tiered seating would be completed.
27
Judi
On Monday morning, I dress for work in a pair of fitted chocolate-brown wool slacks and a pale coffee merino wool sweater that I bought years ago when we holidayed in Italy.
I open my jewellery box and my fingers hover above the pieces, waiting to pluck out the beautiful gold and citrine pendant that I know will match my outfit beautifully. Ben and Louise bought it for my fiftieth birthday, just before Noah was born.
I immediately spot that it isn’t there.
My heart begins to thump. It’s one of my most treasured pieces. I remember Louise explaining how she and Ben had spent a full day trawling the jewellery shops while on holiday in Cornwall before finding the piece they thought would be perfect for me.
‘We both thought of you as soon as we saw it,’ she said, laying her hand on my shoulder. ‘So warm and beautiful, just like you, Judi.’
I shake the jewellery box as if it might make my necklace suddenly appear, but of course, it doesn’t. It isn’t there.
‘Oh,’ I say faintly, pressing the heel of my hand to my forehead.
‘What’s wrong?’ Henry looks up from injecting insulin into his swollen belly. Increasingly, he spends lazy late mornings in bed, eating his breakfast and reading one of his military history books. Sometimes he doesn’t get up until after I’ve left for work.
‘My citrine necklace,’ I say. ‘It’s gone.’
‘You’ll have mislaid it, no doubt,’ Henry murmurs, wincing slightly as he pulls out the needle and dabs at his skin with a tissue. ‘You’re very forgetful lately.’
Was that it? Had I worn the necklace and taken it off elsewhere, forgetting to bring it back upstairs?
No. I remember taking out my diamond studs to wear yesterday morning before Ben and the boys arrived, and it was definitely in here then. I distinctly remember seeing it.
Amber came upstairs on her own during lunch.
The words offer themselves and I let out a small inadvertent cry.
‘What is it now?’ Henry says irritably. I notice the tissue he is holding is now stained with small spots of blood.
‘Amber,’ I say faintly. ‘She came upstairs yesterday.’
‘And?’
‘I think she might have taken it, Henry.’
‘What?’ He removes his glasses and stares at me. ‘Are you serious?’
‘It’s the only explanation,’ I say, taking a step towards him and holding out my hands. ‘It was here yesterday morning and now it’s not. And she’s the only person who’s been upstairs.
’
‘She had to come upstairs.’ He speaks slowly, as if I might have a problem understanding him. ‘To use the bathroom.’
‘Yes, but don’t you see, that could have simply been an excuse? She was annoyed at me about the food thing. She could’ve crept in here and taken the necklace out of pure spite.’
‘Judi, I really think you’re—’
‘I think she went into David’s bedroom, too.’ I’m on a roll. I can’t stop. ‘The first time she visited, his door was open and I know for a fact it was closed before she came up here.’
He looks at me but he doesn’t say anything.
‘Look, I know it sounds crazy, but I honestly think there’s something strange, something underhand about Amber. She’s a different person to who you think she is. She’s managing to fool both you and Ben but I can see there’s something not right. I can’t put my finger on exactly what, but—’
Henry shakes his head. ‘You can’t say exactly what because it’s all in your mind, woman. You’re losing your marbles.’
‘No!’ I take a stride towards him. I can feel my face flaming. ‘I’m sick of you always implying that stuff is all in my imagination.’
He puts his glasses on again and picks up his newspaper. Completely blanking me.
I pick up the jewellery box and hold it out in front of me.
‘I’m telling you, Henry, that necklace was in here. I’m a hundred per cent certain of it.’
‘There’s no reasoning with you lately, Judi,’ he says, looking up from his reading. ‘Think what you like, but the fact of the matter is that Ben has met a lovely girl and you just can’t handle it.’
‘She told the boys off for being noisy in the hallway.’ I’m shouting now, rattling the jewellery box as I speak. ‘But you and Ben didn’t even notice.’
‘The pair of them are young scamps. They need reprimanding now and again because you let them away with murder. Amber is a positive influence.’ He looks at me then and his voice softens a little. ‘They’re all young enough to make a fresh start. The boys need a mother.’
‘Not her!’ I yell at him, choking back tears. ‘She’ll never be their mother.’ I punch my arm out as I shout, and the wooden jewellery box flies out of my hand and smashes into the headboard, narrowly missing Henry’s head.
28
Judi
That evening when Ben calls to pick up the boys, I’m both delighted and relieved when he accepts my offer to make him an omelette and salad for tea. It seems so long since he sat down and spent some time with us.
I carry the meal in on a tray, just in time to catch Henry chortling.
‘Well, she seems a very nice young lady, son. And easy on the eye, too, if you don’t mind me saying so.’ He gives Ben an exaggerated wink and then coughs and returns to his newspaper when he spots me at the door.
Earlier, I apologised to him for my outburst and for nearly decapitating him with my jewellery box. He thinks I’m losing it, but I’m very much in control of what I’m thinking and doing and I know for a fact that necklace was there yesterday morning. I just don’t know how I can prove it.
I’m not proud of my behaviour with Henry, but I confess that the nervy expression that settled on his face after my outburst gave me a certain satisfaction. It was preferable to being invisible to him, anyhow.
I give Ben his tray of food.
‘Thanks, Mum, this looks lovely. Dad was just saying how much you both really like Amber.’
‘Oh, I forgot your tea,’ I exclaim. ‘I’ll just get it.’
Glad to find an excuse to wriggle out of discussing how wonderful Amber is, I return to the kitchen to pick up the mug of tea and check that the boys are OK watching television in the front room. Back in the sitting room, I hand Ben his drink.
‘It’s so nice you’re not rushing off.’ I sit down next to him. ‘It seems we hardly see you these days.’
‘Actually, that’s why I wanted to have a chat to you and Dad tonight.’ Ben chews and swallows a mouthful of food and then carefully puts down his knife and fork. I hold my breath. Something’s coming. A moment later, he launches into what sounds very much like a rehearsed speech. ‘The thing is, it’s daft you having to traipse all the way to school every day to pick up the boys when Amber works right next door.’
‘Nonsense, I like picking them up. It’s no trouble.’ I hear the panic rising in my voice, and judging by their faces, so do Ben and Henry.
‘But it’s so silly you having to do it when Amber can easily pick them up and take them home each afternoon. It also saves me having to come over here to fetch them after work.’
‘It’s a damn good idea in my opinion,’ Henry says cheerfully. ‘Your mother does too much, I’m always telling her so.’
‘That’s exactly what Amber says too, Dad.’ Ben nods, relieved.
‘Well, looks like everyone has agreed it, then.’ I stand up and look at them both in turn. My fists are balled and I can feel my fingernails cutting into my palms. ‘Suddenly everyone else is an expert on what’s best for me.’
‘We’re just worried about you, Mum.’ Ben looks wildly at his father. ‘You seem to take offence at everything just lately.’
‘Take offence?’ I yell, stunned for just a moment by my own ferocity. ‘It would take a saint not to be offended by some of the things you both say to me.’
‘No need to get hysterical, Judi,’ Henry sighs.
‘Don’t you dare use your nasty little misogynistic terms with me,’ I snap at him. ‘Voicing my opinion is not being hysterical; it’s doing what you do every single day of your life – without being challenged by anyone.’
I glare at him, willing him to say something else so I can let rip. But he coughs and looks out of the window.
I turn and walk stiffly towards the door.
‘Mum, please. Don’t go.’ Ben springs up and comes after me, folding me into his arms from behind. ‘It’s not like that at all, it’s just—’
‘It’s just what?’ My voice jumps an octave and I spin round, pushing back from him. ‘You’ve known Amber for five bloody minutes and suddenly she knows what’s best for the boys? How can that be?’ I feel furious with myself when tears spring into my eyes.
‘Why is Nanny upset?’ a small, worried voice pipes up behind me.
‘Oh darling, I’m not upset, not really.’ I crouch down and put my arms round Josh, pulling him to me. ‘Nanny’s just being a silly billy.’
‘Nanny’s a silly billy.’ Josh laughs loudly and wriggles out of my arms, hopping back into the other room. ‘Nanny’s a silly billy,’ he sings as he goes.
It eases the tension a little.
‘I’m sorry, Mum. The last thing I wanted was to upset you.’
I look at my son’s wretched face and I can see that whatever decision he’s taken, it’s not been made lightly.
‘It’s fine, honestly it is,’ I sigh. ‘But I worry, Ben. I worry there’s a lot of change happening in the boys’ lives. I worry—’
‘And that’s precisely the problem, dear,’ Henry interjects. ‘You worry far too much.’
‘I wasn’t speaking to you, but if for some reason I want your esteemed opinion, I’ll ask for it,’ I snap, and Henry shuts up. I fall quiet, surprising myself with my outburst but not regretting it one iota.
‘The boys are fine, Mum, there’s really no need to worry,’ Ben says softly. ‘Amber’s brilliant with them. She’s getting them into a proper routine. It’s good for them.’
‘What kind of routine?’
‘A regular bedtime, staying in bed later on a weekend, getting them to tidy up after themselves. Stuff I’ve never given a thought to.’
I think about their new, sterile bedroom, the blackout blinds designed to keep them sleeping for longer. The absence of toys and family photos in the living room.
‘She snapped at the boys yesterday,’ I tell him.
‘What?’
‘They were excited when they arrived, a bit noisy, and Amber
snapped at them, told them to be quiet. That’s not her job, Ben.’
‘She’d have been joking, Mum.’ Ben rolls his eyes at his father and suddenly they’re a team again.
‘I would think she’s very good with the boys, considering her profession,’ Henry adds.
‘How long have you known her?’ I press Ben.
He shrugs. ‘A good few months now.’
‘That’s no time at all. You can’t know someone in what amounts to a few weeks. She shouldn’t be telling the boys off and assuming parental responsibilities; it’s really not her place to do that.’
‘Mum. It’s like Dad says: Amber works with kids. She knows how to—’
‘She doesn’t know Noah and Josh. She’s only just met them.’
‘Well, that will change.’ Ben’s jaw tightens and in a flash his conciliatory demeanour vanishes. ‘Look, I was waiting for a good time to tell you this, because I know you won’t approve. But Amber is moving in this weekend; she’s coming to live with us.’
29
Judi
Ben doesn’t finish his omelette after our disagreement. He gets the boys ready and they all leave. I don’t try to stop him; I know it’s for the best.
I kiss them all goodbye but I don’t say much, and neither does Ben. We both silently acknowledge that a line has been crossed, a barren space forged indelibly between us.
‘I’m going upstairs for a lie-down,’ I tell Henry calmly from the doorway. ‘I need to be quiet for a while.’
‘You’re not being fair, you know,’ Henry says, staring at the television. ‘It should be a happy time for Ben after all he’s been through, and you’ve just burst his bubble good and proper.’
‘I stand by everything I’ve said,’ I say tightly. ‘Things are moving far too fast for the boys. I’m only thinking of them.’
‘Are you?’ He mutes the TV and glares at me. ‘Is that really your concern, Judi? Because it seems to me you’re eaten up with jealousy of that girl. She’s young and lovely and she cares about our son and the boys. What’s your bloody problem?’
