by K. L. Slater
I grab yesterday’s clothes – jeans, a long-sleeved top and my discarded underwear – and creep downstairs. I allow myself a cup of tea – I can’t function without it – and then I quickly get dressed, running a brush through my hair and slipping my bare feet into my work flatties. I shrug on the old walking jacket that’s hanging in the hallway, grab my handbag and keys and leave the house.
It’s dark and cold and my actions feel illogical and somewhat clandestine. But now I know that Noah has been discharged from hospital, my mind burns with a need to see my grandson with my own eyes, to satisfy myself he’s OK. It feels like the right thing to do.
It’s a short drive to Ben’s house, but the journey seems never-ending. The roads are long and empty and, despite the street lighting, I feel enveloped in gloom.
I turn into Ben’s road but I don’t park outside the house. I drive past, turn the car round and find a spot a little further up where I still have a clear view of the front door and windows.
There are far more cars parked here than I’ve seen before, as it’s too early for most people to have left for work. Amongst the properties, there are only one or two windows lit behind closed curtains. Ben’s house is shrouded in darkness. The blinds are down on the lower floor and the curtains closed in the front bedroom.
I close my eyes and think about Ben and Amber, asleep in bed, their limbs entwined. The faint tick of Ben’s traditional alarm clock – he prefers it to a digital display – and the wardrobes stuffed with Amber’s clothes. I blink away the images when I recall the contents of the two drawers I had the misfortune to peer into.
It’s six fifteen now. The sky isn’t yet light but it’s changed from being pitch dark. The sun will be coming up in about twenty minutes. I need to sit here patiently, taking comfort from the fact that I’m physically as close to Noah as I can get at this moment in time.
It’s the most terrible thing that he became so ill, but hopefully it will have shown Ben that he needs his family around him at times like this. On reflection, I wish I’d insisted on going to the hospital and ignored his instructions to stay at home.
Still, I’m here now and that’s what matters. With both Ben and Amber working full-time, they’re going to need my help while Noah is off school, recovering. I know Maura won’t mind me taking a few days’ annual leave, and if it needs more of my time than that, then Henry will just have to sacrifice his social calendar to stay home with Noah until I get back from work each afternoon.
Something catches my attention and I look up to see that Ben’s bedroom window has just lit up. The shadow of a person passes by the curtains, looming large and out of proportion like a predatory figure in a nightmare.
I sit, transfixed, as outsized, jolting shadows move back and forth like a macabre puppet show. Then the lights snap on downstairs and I know someone is in the living room and, I’d guess, very probably in the kitchen at the back of the house.
I twist the keys from the ignition and open the car door, reaching over for my handbag. My heart sinks as I catch sight of the time on the dashboard clock. It’s only six twenty-two. I can see the glow of the sunrise beginning, a glorious haze still trapped and contained under a bubble of thick, smoky-looking clouds.
By anyone’s standards, it is too early. I consider waiting in the car until seven o’clock but then another thought supersedes it. Ben has forced me to do this. If I had been able to see Noah for myself last night at the hospital, I would no doubt have slept better and felt reassured enough to visit later today.
Well, I refuse to be put off again. It’s clear that Ben is receiving specific instructions, and they’re not from me.
I grab my handbag and lock the car. It seems that with every second, the sky becomes a smidgen lighter, and I feel more confident, more comfortable in my right to be here.
But when I get to the pavement in front of the house, I hesitate again, thinking for a moment or two. I grudgingly decide that rather than use my key, it feels right to knock quietly at the front door. This would have been unheard of only a few weeks ago, but now, I feel a bit like an intruder. The annoying thing is that my decision would be quite different if Ben and the boys were alone in there.
There again, if she wasn’t around, I’d have been by Ben’s side throughout Noah’s trauma.
I pat my hair tidy, take a breath and knock.
52
Judi
After rapping on the door, I let my hand fall. I clench my fist and silently pray that it’s Ben who answers the door and not Amber.
A few seconds elapse and I’m just about to knock again when I hear the chain being released and the door swings open.
‘Oh,’ Amber says hesitantly. ‘It’s you, Judi.’
‘Yes,’ I say levelly, glancing at her skimpy pyjamas and the sparkling ring on her left hand that changes everything. ‘It’s me. I know it’s still early, but I couldn’t sleep. I had to come and see how Noah is.’
‘Ben,’ she calls over her shoulder, before looking back at me. ‘Your mother’s here.’
She’s standing in the doorway and I’m still outside.
I take a step forward. ‘I’ll come in off the street if you don’t mind.’
Somewhat grudgingly, she stands aside.
‘Mum!’ Ben appears, clad in his Marks and Spencer stripy pyjama bottoms, the ones I bought him last Christmas. ‘What the … Why are you here so early?’
‘I couldn’t sleep, Ben. I’ve been awake half the night, worrying. How is he?’
‘I don’t know, he hasn’t woken up yet.’
‘We didn’t get back from the hospital until one a.m.,’ Amber adds. ‘I just came down to make us a cup of tea to take back upstairs to bed.’
I receive her subtext loud and clear: Leave us alone. I ignore it.
‘Well, I’ll have a cup if you’re making one,’ I say, slipping off my coat and shoes. The raw fury that passes across her features is well worth the trip over here. ‘Can we have a quick chat, Ben?’
He looks at Amber and back at me.
‘I just want a few minutes of your time, if that’s not too much to ask,’ I say quietly. ‘I’d like to know what the hospital said. I’m surprised they didn’t want to keep Noah in overnight to monitor him.’
He sighs. ‘He was out of danger, Mum, I’m sure the doctors know what they’re doing. Let’s go into the living room.’
‘I’ll just get on with the tea then, shall I?’
‘Thanks, love.’ Ben smiles at Amber and their eyes meet briefly, but she doesn’t smile back.
‘I’d like to see Noah,’ I say.
‘Course,’ Ben says. ‘Do you want to pop up now?’
‘Do you really think that’s a good idea, Ben?’ Amber turns back at the door. ‘He was exhausted when we got back; surely he should be left to just sleep so his body can repair itself.’
I squeeze hard on the handles of my handbag. ‘I won’t wake him.’ I hate the note of pleading I hear in my own voice.
‘He’s been really restless, Judi. I looked in on him a couple of times in the night and he stirred.’ She shrugs and looks at Ben. ‘Up to you, sweetie, but I think we should let him rest.’
‘Let’s leave it for now. I’ll tell you about what happened at the hospital.’ Ben ushers me down the hallway with his arm. ‘He might wake up before you go and then you can pop up.’
He opens the living room door and we enter the gaudy den that used to be a perfectly nice, tasteful living area. Ben leaves the curtains closed and snaps on a new, purple-shaded lamp that barely gives any illumination at all.
‘My, how things change,’ I say, looking around.
‘You know what they say.’ Ben nods cheerfully. ‘A change is as good as a rest.’
I don’t comment.
Ben relays a rather rushed account of what happened at the hospital.
‘The main problem was the dehydration, but the drip sorted that out. They said he’s out of danger now, just needs plenty of rest and fluids.’
I sigh. ‘What a relief. You must’ve been terrified, darling.’ I reach across and place my hand over his. ‘I’m assuming he’s going to be off school for quite a while?’
‘They said only about a week. Kids bounce back incredibly well, don’t they?’
‘They do, but it goes without saying that we’ll have him over at our house. I’ll take a couple of days off work and then—’
Ben holds his hands up. ‘There’s no need for you to do that, Mum.’
‘Nonsense, your dad and I don’t mind a jot. In fact, we wouldn’t have it any other way.’ There’s a feeling of rising panic in my chest. ‘Anyway, you work full-time; how on earth will you cope otherwise?’
Ben takes a breath. ‘Amber is going to look after Noah. I can’t believe how fantastic she’s been, Mum. She’s taking her role as stepmum to the boys really seriously. She’s even putting her career second.’
I look at my son, bewildered.
‘Please don’t look like that. Noah will be fine, Mum. And like Amber says, he’s much better off here, in his own home, than somewhere else.’
Somewhere else? No. He’d be staying with his grandparents, who’ve helped looked after him since the day he was born. I feel a sudden, curious emptiness inside.
I know I should keep quiet but I can’t. I just can’t do it. ‘Noah probably doesn’t even regard this as his own home any more. Everything here has been changed beyond recognition.’
‘I’m sorry you feel like that about the house, Judi.’ Amber carries in a tea tray with three mugs on it. I take it she’ll be joining us. ‘I just wanted to make it a bit more comfortable, more of a home, you know? Left to the three boys for the past two years, it felt a bit plain and sterile.’
I flinch at the insult but say nothing, and Ben at least has the decency to look away. He knows full well that I helped Louise choose all the furnishings and decoration in this house, and I’ve continued to help him since she’s been gone. For a crazy moment, I almost feel like I want to lash out at Ben for letting everything we’ve worked for together slip away so easily.
Amber smiles sweetly at us both and sets down the tray on the bare coffee table, the one that used to be covered with framed family photographs. Precious memories for the boys, now removed.
Ben picks up a mug and holds it up in front of his mouth as he speaks.
‘I just told Mum that you’re going to be looking after Noah,’ he says pointedly to Amber.
‘That’s right.’ She smiles as she passes me a mug of tea. ‘We’ll soon get him fighting fit again.’
An uncomfortable silence falls over us like an invisible shroud.
I’m torn between remaining silent and avoiding causing offence to Amber, and saying what I mean. But this is my only chance to speak to Ben before crucial decisions are made about Noah’s recovery. I was hoping to do it alone, just the two of us, but now she’s made that impossible.
If something happened to Noah in her care, I’d never forgive myself that I didn’t put up a fight for him.
‘My concern is this,’ I say, putting down my tea and looking purposefully at Ben. ‘Amber doesn’t really know Noah very well yet. If he were to deteriorate again, she might find it difficult to spot the signs.’
‘I work with children all the time. I can assure you I know all the signs of them feeling unwell.’ She smiles and speaks easily, but I see the tense way she’s holding her shoulders, how her fingers chafe against her pyjama bottoms.
‘Remember, Amber is also a trained first-aider, Mum,’ Ben adds.
‘But not a trained doctor,’ I say quickly.
‘There again, neither are you,’ Amber states calmly.
‘I might not be a trained doctor, but I’ve cared for my grandson since he was born and I—’
‘Please don’t worry,’ she interrupts. ‘Noah will be in very safe hands here with me.’
There’s a finality to her words. A sense of drawing the conversation to a close.
I look at my son. ‘I think you’re making a mistake, Ben,’ I say tersely. ‘No offence to Amber, but Noah doesn’t know her well enough yet. He’d be far more relaxed at our house.’
Ben’s cheeks start to flush as both Amber and I focus our gazes on him, waiting for a decision.
He sighs and shrugs his shoulders.
‘We really appreciate your offer, Mum, but you do far too much for us as it is. It’s been decided now that Amber will look after Noah. He’ll be fine and you can visit him every day, you know that.’
He looks down at the floor and Amber stands up, walks over to him and slips her arm around his shoulders.
‘Please don’t worry, Judi,’ she says. ‘I promise I’ll look after all your boys.’
I stand up and my handbag falls from my lap, knocking the untouched mug of tea over. A large dark-tan stain spreads over the carpet, saturating the soft beige fibres and ruining everything it touches.
53
Judi
I can’t bear to be in Amber’s company a moment longer. I mumble a hasty goodbye and rush out of the house, and cross the road to my car. As I pull away, Amber opens the living room curtains and waves.
I don’t wave back.
It’s only six forty-five, but it’s now light outside. The roads are still fairly quiet, although there is more traffic than when I drove over. The journey home is a bit of a blur. I’m hot and my stomach feels bloated, even though I haven’t eaten anything since last night.
I pull up onto the drive, rush into the house. Henry sits staring vacantly at his laptop screen in the kitchen. I hesitate, a little breathless, at the door and his head jerks up.
‘Where have you been?’
I pull up a stool to the breakfast bar where he is sitting. ‘I couldn’t sleep. I …’ To my horror, I well up.
‘What’s wrong?’ He squeezes his eyes shut and pinches at the bridge of his nose. ‘Judi, we can’t keep going on like this. The way you’re rushing around and snapping everyone’s head off … it’s very worrying.’
A solitary tear drips down my cheek.
‘Come on, it can’t be that bad, can it now?’ He reaches over to pat my damp cheek. ‘What’s wrong, love?’
‘They wouldn’t let me see Noah,’ I whisper.
‘Sorry?’
‘I’ve been to Ben’s,’ I explain. ‘I know it’s early, I just had to go. But they wouldn’t let me pop upstairs and see Noah.’
‘I should think not. You can’t just turn up unannounced like that, Jude. It’s not just Ben and the boys now, is it? There’s Amber to consider.’
‘You don’t understand. I need to see Noah. I need to make sure he’s OK, it’s my responsibility to do that.’
‘He’s his father’s responsibility and anyway, we’ll see the lad soon enough. I’m guessing you’ll be nursing him here while Ben’s working?’
‘That’s just it. I won’t, Henry. She’s taking time off to look after him.’ I spit out the words and bang the heel of my hand on the kitchen counter. ‘She’s cutting me out. Stopping me from seeing my own grandson.’
Henry shakes his head and rolls his eyes. ‘Come on now, Judi. You’ve got to calm down. Your imagination is running riot. I’m sure Amber will do a perfectly fine job. Ben’s very lucky to be marrying someone who—’
‘Nothing will change when they marry, Henry. The boys don’t even know her. They’re not used to having her around yet.’
‘Rubbish. She’s living with them, for goodness’ sake; she’s going to be their stepmother. Of course they know her. You should be glad they’re giving you a break and coping by themselves at last. It’s about bloody time.’
‘I don’t want a break. I miss the boys terribly. I just want things to feel normal again.’
He puts his hand on top of mine and his voice softens slightly.
‘Judi, when are you going to realise that it’s not about what you want any more? Things have changed. Ben, Amber and the boys – they’re making a new life together. You’ve
got to let them get on with it. Let them go a little, do you understand? It’s time, love.’
I pull my hand away and slip down from the tall stool.
‘Never,’ I say, my jaw setting in a hard line. ‘Nobody else might be able to see through her, but to me it’s clear what she’s up to. Ben and the boys, they’re my family. They’re part of me, Henry. And I will never let them go.’
I leave the car on the drive and walk to work. I barely feel the lash of the cool wind and fine rain on my tear-streaked face.
Henry tried to carry on the conversation but I knew I’d said enough. In the end, I decided to save my breath, because he just can’t seem to see the danger that Amber poses to all of us.
I couldn’t just stay in the house, pacing around and thinking of all the awful things that might happen if Noah takes a turn for the worse, if they don’t get him the help he needs.
As I walk, keeping up a steady pace, the stream of traffic chugs by. The rough burr of white noise fills my ears and takes the edge off my troubling thoughts.
‘Good Lord!’ Maura exclaims when I step inside the office a good fifteen minutes later than my usual arrival time. ‘You’re wet through.’ She rushes up and takes my mac as I shrug it off, hanging it on the coat rack. ‘Jude, are you all right?’
‘I look like a drowned rat, I know.’ I give her an apologetic little smile. ‘I had to come in to work, though. I couldn’t stand to stay at home and …’ I dissolve into tears.
‘Oh come here, hun.’ Maura puts a comforting arm around my shoulders and at the same time expertly plucks a tissue from the box on reception. ‘That’s it, just let it all out.’
‘Thanks,’ I snuffle, taking the tissue and holding it to my face. ‘It’s truly been the weekend from hell.’
‘Well, we’ve got a good ten minutes until surgery begins.’ She glances at the wall clock. ‘Sit down and tell me all about it.’
