A feeling I understood all too well.
As he drove me back to my condo, I thought about everything that had happened that night. My instinct was to stay quiet, to not let him know exactly what I had tried to do to him and his career. But I couldn’t stand on the sidelines and let him take the hit when I could protect him. If I did, it would be like what he’d done to me in high school. Where he’d stood aside and let his friends attack and hurt me because he was too afraid to lose them.
Ironically enough, now I knew exactly how he’d felt back then. I couldn’t keep the truth from him any longer. I had to warn him. My heart raced inside my chest, nearly choking me. As if it was trying to keep me from speaking.
“Hey, do you remember how I told you that my boss was doing something unethical?” How was I supposed to phrase this? How could I do the least possible damage to our relationship? “They want to come after you. For a story.”
“Wouldn’t be the first time. It’s one of the reasons why I don’t like reporters,” Evan said, lifting my hand to his lips and kissing it. He flashed me a brilliant smile. “Don’t worry. I’m a big boy, and I can take care of myself.”
“I don’t think you understand. My boss is determined to ruin you.”
“Lots of people are trying to ruin me, Ashton. It comes with the fame and the money. People want to knock you down a notch.”
He pulled into a spot in my parking lot and got out of the car before I could explain more. I followed quickly and again tried to think of the best way to tell him what I had done. What could happen to him and his reputation if Brenda had her way.
But my mouth refused to cooperate, especially once he’d laced his fingers through mine.
Maybe it could wait one more day. Or until after his game, like I’d initially planned.
He loved me, I loved him, and I wanted to have some happy part of that before everything completely fell apart.
Evan walked me to my door, and after I unlocked it, I left it open for him to follow me inside. I kicked off my shoes and put my keys on the table. “Maybe we could watch a movie or something.”
Anything to delay the inevitable confession I was going to have to make.
But he stayed outside, silhouetted by the hallway lamp. “That’s probably not a good idea.”
“Why not?” I asked, walking back over to stand in front of him.
He shoved his hands into his pockets. “I have no field vision when it comes to you. I don’t know what’s going to happen or what I should do.”
“That’s because this isn’t a football game, and I’m not a two-hundred-and-ninety-pound defensive lineman coming at you.” I reached for him, but he took a step back.
Which surprised me.
“I can’t come in because . . . I’m worried that if I walk in there right now, I won’t be able to walk back out.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
The air between us turned heavy and thick, electrically charged with the emotional and physical attraction we were both obviously feeling in that moment.
His words thrilled me in a way I didn’t know was possible. Like I had this power over him he could only barely resist.
I knew the right thing to do in that moment would have been to tell him good night. To remind myself that playing with fire got people burned.
Apparently somebody was going to need to sign me up for the burn trauma unit. I moved closer to him. He didn’t react, like a perfectly sculpted statue. Only his eyes managed to skate across my skin.
“How do you do that?” I whispered, my stomach quivering. “Make me feel like you’re touching me when all you’re doing is looking?”
I wanted to touch him, but it had to be his choice. I wouldn’t push him.
“Are you sure I can’t convince you to come inside?”
His eyes closed, and I saw the slow bob of his Adam’s apple. “What is it you want, Ashton?” He practically growled the words.
And it filled my head with the things I’d imagined for weeks now. Things I’d wanted to take place between us. “There are a lot of things I want. Ice cream that doesn’t make you fat. A job I don’t hate.” Somehow I got just a tiny bit closer. I could feel him on me, even though there were still micromillimeters between us. “To feel desired. Like it’s all a man can do to keep himself in check because he wants me so badly.”
“Do you think that’s not happening here?” The words exploded out of him. “Because trust me, it is. I’m choosing not to act on it. I have thought about what it would be like between you and me. How amazing it would feel. But I drew this line in the sand, and I can’t cross it no matter how much I want to.”
His words managed to make parts of me feel strong and other parts go weak. My entire body had become one desperate ache, dying for his touch. “Sand is a terrible place to draw lines. They’ll keep getting washed away.”
“Ashton.” I loved the way his voice hugged the consonants in my name.
“I need your help.” Some part of my brain registered that it was a cheap shot. So far Evan hadn’t been able to resist whenever I’d called on him for assistance. I did want to respect him and his choices. He was always so kind and giving with me. The very least I could do was keep my mindless hormones in check. But want and desire overwhelmed me, flipping off my ability to think rationally. All I knew in that moment was that I had to have his hands on me, and I didn’t care what I had to do to make that happen. “I can’t unzip this dress by myself.” I turned around, presenting him with my back, walking forward a few steps.
It was only kind of a lie; I probably could have undone it, but it would have involved a MacGyvered metal hanger and me cursing the universe for making it so hard to do.
I felt him walk up behind me, his breathing harsh in my ears. He closed the door, and my entire body lit up with excitement the moment I heard it catch.
Shivering in anticipation, I didn’t dare move as he came closer.
“Do you know how badly you make me want to lose control?” he asked, his words hot against my bare shoulder. I literally couldn’t uncurl my toes. “I want to feel your skin against mine. To be that close to you.”
I wanted that, too.
He kissed the base of my neck, which sent delicious swirls through my limbs. I wanted to back up, press myself against him, turn around, and convince him that control was highly overrated.
His hand went to the top of my zipper. I felt like I was standing at the top of a high hill, running down with total disregard for my safety. Feeling off-balance and as if I was always one step away from plunging down.
Evan tugged at the metal tag, inching it down so slowly that my heart started keeping time to it. Thud-thunk. Thud-thunk. Thud-thunk. The backs of his knuckles brushed against my skin, leaving tiny pools of fire everywhere they touched.
“You’re so soft,” he said against my earlobe, and I almost collapsed against him at the sensation. “Are you this soft everywhere?”
“Yuh-huh” was my artful reply. Now my heart had sped up, and my earlobes, fingers, and feet throbbed in time with it.
The zipper kept going down oh, so slowly, and my veins ached in response to how he was drawing this out, torturing us both.
He took it all the way down, and I gasped when he touched the small of my back, wrapping his hand around the curve of my hip. I could feel my body rise and fall beneath his fingers, and I was ready to shatter from the tension.
It was too much. I couldn’t take a second more without reacting. I whirled around, and before I could even make a move, his mouth was on mine. Hungry. Desperate. Wanting. Kissing me in exquisitely hot and intense strokes.
His kiss made my entire world shrink down to that point. So that the only thing I could feel was how my body went fluid against his, my softness crashing into his strength. He was all I could taste, all I could feel, the only thing that seemed real to me.
My stomach tightened and swirled with heat, the need for him growing stronger and stronger with each passing moment. My
heart transformed itself into a hummingbird, wings flapping faster and faster inside my chest.
His arms crushed me to him, making it impossible to breathe. I didn’t care. Who needed to breathe when you could be kissed like this?
Evan said something that might have possibly been my name as he moved from my lips to just under my jaw. He left hot, feathery kisses there, and it shorted out my knees. I grabbed at him, trying to stay upright. His kisses inched down along my throat, and the rest of my limbs gave way. He hit the spot beneath my ear that made me insane, then kissed his way down to my shoulders, tasting and kissing me there.
His other hand was on my one sleeve, pulling at it. That one action started a tiny warning bell in a corner of my mind.
I wanted this. I wanted him. I loved him. It seemed like the most natural thing to do.
But there were so many reasons why we shouldn’t. I couldn’t think of a single one at the moment, but this needed to stop.
“Evan, wait.” I backed up, putting some much-needed distance between us before my body could overthrow my brain and put us right back where we’d been a second ago.
His gaze was unfocused, hazy. He was panting, hard. So was I. My chest was heaving as I tried to both catch my breath and slide my sleeve back into place.
Then the reasons returned. Evan wanted to wait. And I couldn’t do something like this, be that intimate with him, when I was still keeping a secret from him. I had to tell him the truth.
Although I was in no condition right now to do that. He needed to leave before I lost myself in him and his touch.
“We can’t,” I said. He looked regretful but nodded. “I don’t want to be the reason you break a commitment you’ve made to yourself.” I said it as a reminder to both of us.
“Right now you seem like a pretty good reason.” His voice was low and sexy, and I only just stopped myself from jumping back into his arms.
Then I felt bad for my impulse. I knew he wanted to wait, and here I was, throwing down gauntlets. “I’m . . . I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed—”
Evan cut me off. “Don’t apologize. You weren’t alone in any of that.”
Would I ever breathe normally again? “You should probably go.”
“Yes, I should.”
He opened the door, and I didn’t know how he’d managed it. Nothing in my body felt like it was currently under my control.
Evan paused in the doorway. “Lock your door.”
“Are you still worried I’m going to get murdered?”
“No. I’m worried I’ll change my mind.”
Evan had to travel to Cincinnati for his next game, and I was actually glad for the time apart. Because part of me worried that I would attack him again the second I saw him.
I tried to focus on what needed to happen next. I had to tell him everything about Brenda and the story and my involvement in it. When I watched the game on Sunday, I couldn’t even enjoy his performance. My stomach felt like it was feeding on itself. Twisted and knotty and not good.
Because I knew the fallout from this would be epic. I could only hope that he loved me enough that it wouldn’t matter.
When he got home late on Sunday, I texted him to go home and go to bed. Not only because I knew he was tired, but also because I wanted to delay what I knew was coming. We made plans to get together Monday after practice.
Coincidentally enough, we were scheduled to see each other at the same time my whole world would end.
The next day at work, Brenda called me into her office for her regular but brief interrogation.
Only she didn’t ask me if I had any information on Evan.
“Follow me.”
I did as she commanded, and she led me onto the set of Sports Today, our evening news/sports show that had all the recaps and scores of the games that day. The two hosts were sitting behind a big desk, getting their makeup touched up.
Brenda held a paper on a clipboard out to me. “Sign this. You’re going on air.”
“I’m not signing a . . .” My voice trailed off as I realized what she had handed me. It wasn’t a reprimand. It was a release form.
One of the crew members came up and put a wireless microphone on my lapel.
“What is happening right now?” I asked.
“You are officially out of time. Either you’re going on Sports Today to tell the world you’ve slept with Evan Dawson, or you can go back to your desk and pack up your things.”
“This has to be some kind of joke,” I said, even though I knew it wasn’t. My outrage that she wanted to hurt Evan overrode every instinct that told me to be quiet and suffer through whatever she said. My authority-figure anxiety could suck it. Time to stand up for me. And for Evan. “Do you really think I’m going to lie, throw away my integrity just because you want me to?”
“Oh, sweetie, you left that in Evan’s bedroom along with your scruples and morals.”
She looked crazed. Like a Disney villain during the final act of the movie. She forced a pen into my hand and then put her own hand on top of it, as if she was going to make me sign. I dropped the pen and the clipboard.
“Honestly, Ashton. You are such a child,” she hissed. “When I gave you this assignment, I thought, ‘Finally! A kindred spirit!’ Someone who knows what it’s like to be rejected by Evan Dawson and who wanted revenge. Only instead you fell deeper under his spell, like a little idiot.”
This was not what Brenda had been selling me all along. She’d made it about ratings and, I don’t know, like, girl power and glass ceilings. Now she was saying it was personal? Why? “Revenge? What did Evan do to you?”
I didn’t expect her to answer. But it was like she’d become unhinged. “We dated. You think you’re the only one who ever dated Evan ‘Awesome’ Dawson? We met at an ISEN event, and he invited me back to his place. Where I assumed he’d finally drop the charade. That we were both grown-ups and that his invitation meant what it means to every other man on the planet.”
Understanding smacked into me, hard. “You’re the naked girl in the bathroom. He told me about you.”
That only made her outrage worse. “I walked out into his family room with nothing on. Do you know what he did? He put a blanket around me and asked me to leave. Threw me out like I was trash. He said he’d call. He didn’t. Do you have any idea how humiliating that was?”
I didn’t really know what to make of this. Brenda was clearly obsessed. I’d spent so much time seeing her as this scary professional that I’d never even thought about her personal life. Or what psychological disorders she might be suffering from.
“If you do not go on this show and tell the world that you and Evan have sex, your career is finished. I will personally guarantee that you never work in sports again.”
“I feel sad for you,” I said, and it was true. In part because I’d been where she was. So consumed with exacting revenge for a slight that I thought had been caused by Evan that I had been willing to be unethical. To lie. To do whatever it took to get the story.
I wasn’t interested in being that person anymore.
“Ten minutes to air!” someone called out. The show was about to begin. There was no way I was going on camera and lying, just for my job. I’d never been willing to do that. I would have gone to just about any length to find out the truth, and I probably should have quit my job when I’d realized Evan was telling me the truth.
It was a job I’d known for a long time that I would have to give up.
I should have made that sacrifice for him. And for myself. I should have admitted I couldn’t have my cake and eat it, too.
“I don’t need your pity!” Brenda said.
She might not have needed it, but I was still going to give it to her. Sort of. “I’m sorry you got your one feeling hurt, but that’s not Evan’s fault. He’s a good man, and I won’t help you do anything to ruin his name.”
If I hadn’t been able to stand up for him before, I was certainly going to do it now. She was not going to
use me to hurt him. It was so petty and selfish. And . . . stupid. Who did something like this?
You did, that little internal conscience of mine whispered.
It disgusted me that I’d been willing to wallow in the muck with her. I’d put my head in the sand, prioritizing my career and my fears over doing what was right. I’d put them above Evan, a man who loved me. The man I loved.
I’d betrayed Evan and what we shared, and that realization made my stomach plummet down to my toes.
I didn’t deserve him. I didn’t deserve our relationship. I’d been such a coward.
No more.
I was taking a stand.
Brenda must have seen my conviction on my face because she tried again. “Whatever job you want. Whatever department. You choose your salary. Name it, and it’s yours. All you have to do is go on the show and say five words: ‘I slept with Evan Dawson.’”
Funnily enough, I wasn’t even tempted. There was nothing she could have said to me to change my mind. I was going to do the right thing. No matter what it cost me.
“Ashton?”
No. No, no, no, no. This was not happening.
I turned in horror to see Evan standing behind me, wearing a mask of confusion, disbelief, and heartache.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, the words little more than a whisper.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
He’d heard me. There was no question of that. Little fissures formed on the surface of my heart, threatening to break. This was not how I’d wanted him to find out. I felt like I was going to throw up.
Brenda started directing the cameramen. “Turn the cameras this way. Get them both in the shot. Hurry.”
“They asked me to come on Sports Today to talk about yesterday’s game. But I guess that was all a ruse. Were you really going to go on air and say we’d had sex?” Evan asked.
This could not be happening. “What? No! I told Brenda no repeatedly. I would never do that to you.”
#Awestruck (A #Lovestruck Novel) Page 23
