by Shayne Ford
My back hits the wall. I let my palms slide onto it, looking for anything that I could grab in case he’d want to pull me away.
I’d use my weight if I needed to, determined not to leave this place without an explanation.
“I am not going, Ed,” I say as assertively as I can, my eyes holding his.
He slides his hands into his pockets, his eyes darkening.
If there was a winter between us before, now it turned into a blizzard.
“What do you want from me, Thea?” he asks, his voice lacking emotion, his heart completely closed to me.
I feel like I’m losing my mind.
It quickly becomes clear to me that no matter what I say right now, I won’t be able to make him speak.
If I had doubts that this battle was lost before I came here, now I’m convinced that it’s lost. The man is colder than a rock. Harder than steel, crueler than the worst, cold-hearted thug.
I feel like crumbling on the floor.
I also feel my tears coming to my eyes, signaling the inevitable defeat.
Fury breaks through me as well.
And then my hand shoots. It takes him by surprise, his head barely tilting back as my palm leaves red marks on his cheek.
He bites his lip to push his full reaction back when he registers my tears.
“How could you dump me like that? I didn’t do anything to you to deserve this.”
He stays quiet, his eyes defrosting a bit.
“Why couldn’t you say it that morning? Or the day after that... That it wasn’t my friend. That it didn’t have anything to do with him. And it probably didn’t have anything to do with me either. It was you all the way. You dealing with your stuff. Whatever that stuff was. You being unsure if you wanted to give this thing a go. You unsure whether you wanted to give me a go. You not being able to be with a ‘normal’ woman, and I’m not pretending that I qualify, but you know what I mean. You frazzled, and your ego bruised by the presence of a man who did his best to be my friend while I was madly in love with you.”
A faint light flickers through his eyes.
“Yes. He may have sucked at reading all the signs that morning, but he surely figured out that I was in love with someone, other than him. And after you stormed out he knew that it was you. I can’t believe that he was able to read me and you were not. That’s why I want to know right now, why did you use me? All the games, and back and forth... Was is to learn something about yourself? Why did you need me to find out that you cannot commit to a woman no matter how deep you feel for her or how hard you fell for her. And if you did learn your lesson and realize that you could never be the man that I wanted and so much I craved, why the hell didn’t you have the balls to tell me?”
My fist hits his muscular chest.
“Tell me, Ed. Why couldn’t you tell me? Why did I have to find out from TV? And why did I have to see her? Tell me, Ed. Why her? The dancer? What makes her a better choice for you than me? Why do you prefer an affair without emotions with her instead of loving me?”
Of all the times he could’ve opened his mouth, he chooses the worst moment.
“The answer lies right there in your question,” he throws at me, and my heart stops.
He didn’t just say that.
My brow knits into a frown, my jaw clenching.
Both hands hit his chest.
“You are the most despicable, cruel, impossible man, I’ve ever seen.”
“And yet, here you are,” he sneers.
His cold voice runs a blade down my spine.
I lift my arm again, ready to slap him but this time, he cuffs my wrist and brings it down.
“There’s nothing you can do, Thea. I’m not the man you need in your life.”
“And yet you are the man that she needs and wants.”
“She’s not with me, but if she’d be, yes, it would be easier with her.”
My mouth drops open.
“Oh, my God... And why’s that? I don’t understand.”
I look at him baffled as his lips curve into a twisted smile.
“I already told you. Her needs are different than yours.”
I stare at him, dumbfounded.
“And what exactly do I need in your opinion?”
His hand releases my wrist.
“You need everything, Thea.”
His eyes flicker with a dark emotion while my heart begins to cry. I see the end. The big end. The irremediable end. It’s right here in front of my eyes.
It’s in his words, and also in his eyes, brushed by sadness and regret.
I wish I could call him a coward, but I can’t. In a way he does what he’s supposed to do, pulling back despite the feelings that he has for me. Sparing me the unavoidable heartache down the road.
He does the honorable thing.
Losing his heart to me doesn’t make him happy, and me loving him back only complicates things.
How could anyone make this kind of thing work?
I am not making him happy, and that’s exactly what I have in front of my eyes. A man who explored his depths, learned about himself and came to the conclusion that it’s not for him.
Our love is not for him.
He hates being so close to someone, and I’m sure as hell he hates me.
5
THEA
“You couldn’t be more wrong,” I say without blinking.
His eyebrows slowly arch as he looks at me disconcerted.
“There’s no need to be worried about me. I don’t want to be with you anyway,” I say with a cold, even voice as well.
A small smile touches his lips.
He thinks I’m bluffing.
“Really?”
“Yeah, really.”
“How so?”
“Like so.”
“You wanted to kill me five seconds ago.”
“Well, I changed my mind. That was before I realized what a selfish ass you are.”
He squares his shoulders and crosses his arms on his chest, barely pushing a grin back.
I’m not smiling.
“You think it’s funny, but it’s not. You are a big asshole Edward Preston, and there is no way I can love someone like you.”
His smile begins to falter as if it got slammed with a sledgehammer.
That must’ve hurt. But so have his words.
“If you think that Miss Perky Butt is better than me, go ahead. Be with her. I don’t give a fuck. I can see the snooze fest that your life would become when you’d be with her. I’m already yawning as I imagine her tugging at your pants, pretending that everything is hot, that emotions don’t matter. That hearts don’t matter. Giving you the safe version of the pornographic sex while you’d be rolling your eyes and pulling your hair out, not to say that you’d be wanting to be on the other side of the planet when she’d be talking to you. Because boredom would follow you around like an evil twin.”
His eyes begin to glint warmly as he fights another smile back.
I lift my hands and start moving them along with my hips, doing a little impersonation of the said woman riding his cock.
‘Mmm, baby. Give it to me hard...’ I singsong mockingly. “Yeah, baby. Right there... Mmm-hmm. Yes, baby. Yes. Hard. Give it to me hard... Darling.’
I put an extra emphasis on the last word, hoping for a reaction.
He can no longer keep his face straight and suppress his chuckle. Chest rocking, he tips his face down, slowly shaking his head and rubbing his forehead with his fingers.
“What? It’s the truth,” I say, not at all entertained. “No wonder that you need three of them at a time. I’m sure you can stay hard for all of them–– I have no doubt about that, but it’s the eyes that you can’t keep open because you get bored out of your mind.”
His hands go up, and so does his gaze.
“Okay. Okay... You made your point,” he says no longer laughing.
“Good. I’m glad that we talked it out. So there. You can be at ease, now,” I say clas
ping my hands on my hips.
He studies me for a moment before he lets his gaze drift down.
Slowly he rubs his chin with his thumb and index finger, having a hard time to push his smile back.
“What are you wearing?”
“It’s none of your business.”
He leans forward slightly, slips his finger under a garter, tugs at it and lets it go. The elastic slaps my skin.
“Ouch. It hurts,” I say, swatting his hand away.
A sly smile tugs at his lips.
“You said that you no longer want me...” he says amused.
“Mmm-hmm,” I mumble, unable to give him a straight lie.
“And yet, I can see your panties.”
“Let’s say I was misguided.”
He purses his lips, giving me another slow once over.
“Don’t even think about it,” I say.
He flashes a cocky grin while arching an eyebrow, his eyes gleaming playfully this time.
“Thinking about what?”
“I don’t need pity fucking.”
He shakes his head, laughing.
“I’m not in the habit of fucking out of pity.”
“Yeah, right... Only out of boredom.”
He opens his mouth to retort. I flick my hands up to make him stop.
“I’ve had enough. Go back to her.”
He doesn’t move.
“I told you that I’m not with her.”
I tuck my hands into my pockets and shoot him a suspicious look.
“How come?”
“I’m not with anyone, Thea,” he says seriously.
“Clearly. And yet you’re spending Valentine’s Day with her. That’s what people who are not together usually do.”
“I’m not with her. She was one of the people at the table. There were many men and women as you could see and she was one of them.”
I sense the fingers of a frown all over my brow.
“She is not just any other woman, Ed. She is the woman you used to fuck. Even if you feel like you have nothing to do with her right now, she doesn’t feel the same way. She likes you, which is normal. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have been in your bed. And just because she’s a good sport now, and follows you around, doesn’t mean that she’s not thinking about you in that way.”
We both stay silent for a moment.
“You’re right,” he says. “I feel bad for misleading her.”
He keeps his face straight, and although I suspect that he’s fucking with me, I can’t tell for sure whether he’s joking, or talking seriously.
I shake my head.
“You should tell her that,” I say with a frayed voice, not smiling at all. “I wish I didn’t see you two on TV this evening. That’s all.”
“What were you doing home alone on Valentine’s Day?”
I still can’t tell whether he’s serious or not.
I spend one more second reading his face–– my eyes locked with his, before I push off the wall and pull away.
“Goodbye, Edward.”
He pivots instantly, his hand sneaking up my arm, grabbing me by the elbow.
“Hey... Where are you going?”
I jerk my arm out of his grip.
“Away from you. I don’t need your sarcasm, and sure as hell, I don’t need your teasing or cheating. I’ve had enough already.”
I start to spin.
“I never cheated on you, Thea.”
I slowly turn around.
“What are you saying, Ed?” I ask, hoping to hear a confirmation of James Sexton’s words.
“I’ve never slept with another woman since you and I met for the first time in the Red Room.”
I look at him suspiciously.
“Sleeping with someone else is not the only form of cheating.”
“I’ve never thought about another woman in that way. I never hired anyone, fucked anyone. Not even checked those stupid clips on my phone anymore. Before and after you found them.”
“Why?”
“They were no longer fun... You were right. When you don’t have something else in your life fucking any hot body that comes your way is as good as anything. Entertaining, fun. You want diversity, kink. You want new people, more people. Whatever. It works, and it’s easy. Get your fix, and just go on about your life. You don’t need to check that woman’s picture a hundred times. You don’t need to hear her voice. You don’t need anything from her. Can you fuck her again? Yeah... Sure you can. Is it fun? Sure. But nothing in me that was above my waist cared about her. That’s why it was a good fix for me. But when you connect with a woman and you have her under you it’s a completely different game. You want to have her in every other way. And when you don’t have her, you can’t stop thinking about her, because she starts living in your head. She becomes a part of you and claims so much space in your life even if she doesn’t do the slightest thing to stake a claim. And that’s why some men stay away from them.”
“You are one of those men, Edward.”
A bitter smile creases his lips.
“Perhaps.”
“And yet, you said that you were not happy with the old stuff either.”
“No, I was not. If I were, we wouldn’t have this conversation.”
I feel a weight pressing on my chest.
I look down, to avoid his eyes and hide the trembling of my chin.
“Well, I’m glad that you figured out stuff for yourself,” I say with a shaky voice. “I guess, that’s why you decided to take that executive position overseas then.”
His silence falls like a boulder between us, prompting me to swing my gaze up.
“I had to. It’s in the best interest of the company, but it’s temporary anyway.”
“Good,” I say, pushing another quiver back, and taking a long strained breath. “I’m leaving anyway,” I say with a voice that could break at any moment.
His eyebrows pull up, his eyes widening in surprise.
“Where are you leaving?” he asks puzzled.
He surely didn’t expect that.
“Greece... Turkey.”
He shoots me a questioning look.
“Which one is it?”
I purse my lips.
“I don’t know yet.”
“What do you mean you don’t know yet?”
“I applied for the foreign student exchange program a while ago. I can choose between two locations, and once I do, I can leave as soon as next month. After the Spring Break.”
He looked at me disconcerted.
“Really?
“Mmm-hmm.”
“Have you known this for a while?”
“Yes, I have,” I say, sensing the balance of power shifting. “But like you, I was on the fence.”
Frustration grows in his eyes.
“And like you I learned that feelings are a hindrance in many ways so I decided that a change of scenery can do a lot of good to me.”
“Huh...”
“Huh, what?”
“I can’t believe that you let me feel guilty about moving overseas and leaving you while you were planning on doing the same thing.”
“I was inspired by you.”
“Inspired by me...? My fucking ass,” he says annoyed, fishing his phone out from his pocket.
His hand goes to my wrist, smoothly cuffing it while he makes a call.
“Get my car ready. Yes. Five minutes.”
He hangs up.
“Where are you going?”
“I’m taking you home.”
“Excuse me. I don’t need to be escorted,” I say, fighting his grip.
He doesn’t let go of me this time.
“My friends are still inside, and my car is parked in the front,” I argue.
“Shut up, Thea.”
He starts walking, giving me no other choice but to follow him.
“It’s Valentine’s Day. I don’t want to go home,” I say sounding like a spoiled brat.
“We’re going to my place,
not yours,” he says, manning his phone, again. “Now can you please stay quiet. I need to make some phone calls.”
THEA
I wait in his Lamborghini as he keeps talking on the phone, directing his people to pull my ride into the hotel garage, among other things, I suspect.
I text Liz as well, letting her know that I’m fine, and I’ll be spending my evening with him.
A gazillion of emojis come back to me as her answer.
I sweep my thumb across the screen when the door opens, and he climbs in.
He slides into his seat, tucks his phone into his pocket, and checks the rearview mirror, without looking at me.
“Everything okay?” I ask.
“Yup,” he says a bit distracted.
I move my gaze away from him and train it to the dashboard.
“So... You pulled the Lamborghini out of the garage to celebrate your special date with your lady friend.”
He laughs softly, looking at his left as he steers the car away.
“Are you done?” he slings back at me.
“Hmm... Wanted to impress her?”
“I didn’t give her a ride if that’s what you imply.”
“Not now, you didn’t. Because you fucking couldn’t,” I say, slapping my hands against my thighs.
He chuckles again.
“I’ve never given her a ride.”
“Mmm-hmm...”
I study him for a moment
“Why do you let her orbit around you, Ed? It’s so obvious that she’s smitten with you.”
He shoots me a glance, no longer smiling.
“Why did you let that kid orbiting around you, Thea? You knew he had feelings for you,” he retorts.
His eyes move away from me just as fast.
“Oh... So that’s what pissed you off,” I say after musing for a few moments. “You knew that I had nothing to do with him, but you didn’t like the fact that I had another option.”
He doesn’t say a word.
I continue.
“The same way I always hated the idea that you have numerous other options... He had nothing against you,” I mutter after a pause.
“I can say the same thing,” he throws back at me.
My eyes peel wide.
Oh. That’s unexpected.
“Is that true?” I ask, having a hard time to believe what he just said.
