That the words meant nothing to the words before and after them, that none of it strung together into any real meaning — that was a concern for later-Tessa. One who wasn’t actively spiraling into the black hole of her own emptiness.
The single words were hard enough.
Tessa turned a page and was greeted by an extra piece of paper, torn out of a spiralbound notebook and still sporting the ragged edge where the spiral had once held it in place. All her notebooks had perforated edges — notebooks were one of the things she was particularly anal about — but she hadn’t bothered to clean up this edge because it was the last thing of hers Livy touched before…
Well, before.
“Here’s a list of all the vets in the area,” she’d said, handing the paper to her. “Tomorrow morning, we’re calling them and finding you your externship. Yes?”
She didn’t live to see that morning.
Tessa ran her fingers down the ragged edge of the page. Livy had been so excited to see her finish the Harper Jones program, to get a few fancy letters after her name. She’d written it out for her when Tessa was struggling to learn all the muscles she needed to know. She’d hyphenate the surname, the way they decided they were going to, because that would be the name on the official papers.
Theresa McKinley-Rhodes, CVT
Tessa was meant to have graduated before the wedding. They were going to honeymoon in Aruba, and then she was going to find a job that used her shiny new degree, the fancy letters after her shiny new name. She would never have to spend another day staring down pages of numbers; instead, she’d be helping veterinarians heal animals, the way she’d always dreamed.
She stared down at the page, the fading lines of Livy’s scrawl, the half-dozen veterinarians she’d found within an hour’s drive of here, the addresses and phone numbers she’d so dutifully looked up for her.
All that effort, wasted on someone who couldn’t bear to think about the future that had been so quickly ripped away, who couldn’t ever really think about anything else.
Tessa closed the A&P textbook, hiding the list away for another time.
Chapter Three
Tessa fell asleep on the couch that night.
That was hardly unusual — she fell asleep on the couch at least half of her nights, usually the ones when the bed was too big and cold, or when she couldn’t be bothered to get up from where she’d lain down during whatever was playing on TV.
She never slept well on the couch. It wasn’t uncomfortable, but it equally wasn’t meant for multiple hours of leaning against the arms or cushioning the hips and waking up after a night on the couch left her stiff and sleepy and rather more than a little cranky for it.
It was earlier than her alarm, barely even sunrise, and the sky was heavy with clouds. She got up, groaning and yawning and trying to rub out the kink in her neck that spasmed when she turned her head.
She really, really needed to stop doing that. The couch would only grow more uncomfortable the older she got.
It was early, but she knew she wouldn’t be getting any more sleep now that she was already awake, so she made her usual cup of coffee and headed up to the office.
Maybe she could get the day’s work done early and then…
Well, she wasn’t exactly sure what she would want to do with herself then, but getting the day’s work done early seemed like the sort of goal a normal person might have, so it might be worth the effort.
The Roanoke Business and Loan folder with her name on it was empty, finally, since she did turn in the main work, yesterday’s miserable spreadsheet.
But overnight, her boss had put several smaller documents full of numbers into her folder, some subsidiary of RB&L, so she got to work on those.
Tessa could focus on pages of numbers for a couple of hours at a time — it was one of her selling points for doing this job — and so blew through the early and mid-morning bored but productive, but was positively ready for a break by 11.
Fine. That was fine. It was a bit earlier than she took her first break (Livy called it a lunch break), but she’d started earlier, too.
And, she reminded herself, as she’d had to do most days for the last several months, she wasn’t trying to time her lunch break with Livy, who had usually taken off at about 12:30.
Crap.
Now the tears came again.
Tessa switched from Excel to her email, hoping for something to distract her.
A message from Harper Jones waited for her. The subject line, URGENT ATTENTION NEEDED, all in caps, made her heart nearly stutter to a stop.
She clicked, but already her breaths were coming hard and fast, and her head became light on her shoulders.
Ms. Theresa McKinley,
We wish to thank you for being a valued student of Harper Jones and hope that you’ve found your education with us to be thorough, entertaining, and helpful in preparing you for your future career.
However, it has come to our attention that there has been no progress in your studies for the last six months. While we understand that events and circumstances can interfere with our goals and we strive to create a program flexible enough to fit into any lifestyle, we also need to see our students continuing to make progress toward their goals.
Therefore, we must now direct you to review our withdrawal policy, which states that if there has been no progress of the student within any consecutive six-month period, we will consider the student withdrawn from the program, which will lead to account termination. If you wish to remain an active student with the Harper Jones Certified Veterinary Technician program, you must demonstrate active forward progress before the end of this month.
With best wishes for your future,
The faculty at Harper Jones
A second email was attached to the bottom of the official one, from her mentor, Irene.
Tessa,
You’re so close. Just the externship left to do. Don’t give up now! If you need me to help you with anything, I’m always available by email or through the “Contact My Mentor” tab on the student portal.
You’ve got this, girl. Don’t quit now!
-Irene
Her blood had already frozen in her veins the moment she saw the URGENT in the subject line, but somehow, it was Irene’s “you got this” that made Tessa’s stomach seize as though determined to empty itself of this morning’s coffee.
Because the email was right — it had been six months since she’d last done anything to prove she was working through the tech program. Six months since taking the last quiz or submitting a paper or finishing up a subject. Six months since she’d even last bothered to check in with Irene.
The end of the month. They were being generous. The end of the month would be seven months since her last noticeable progress.
She stared at Irene’s “you got this” like a dehydrated person might stare at a glass of water. The very lines of it made her want to retch because it had been six months since she’d stopped interacting with her, and she didn’t know.
She didn’t know because Tessa couldn’t tell her. She couldn’t tell anyone. Saying it out loud, even in a brief email, would make it all too real.
If she failed now, if she stumbled at this final hurdle, there would be no recovering. She knew that — there was no escaping that fact. The only reason she’d been brave enough to start the race, to push through to this moment, to this you’re-nearly-there, don’t-give-up-now, was that Livy was there, cheering and goading and nagging and supporting her along the way. She had been the one to keep Tessa on task, to make sure she found someone qualified to administer her exams, to give her the space and time to study, to assemble the list now tucked deep inside her anatomy and physiology textbook of the local vets who might be able to fulfill her externship requirement.
Without Livy, Tessa never had the courage to make those phone calls.
At first, the delay was excusable. She helped, as much as she could, with funeral arrangements, and just getting out of bed would eat up al
l the courage and energy she could summon for a full day. Her boss had even sent her work to another analyst for almost two weeks when she told him she was dealing with a family emergency — which was close enough to the truth that she hadn’t felt guilty for the slight lie of wording, and he hadn’t pressed for details anyway.
But after that? Tessa started back to work after two weeks because she couldn’t stand the silence and grief any longer.
But she hadn’t been able to look at the Harper Jones student portal since, or even contact Irene to mention needing an extended off period. The fact that an A&P textbook sat on the table where she had left it six months earlier was a testament to how she couldn’t even think about anything but how to make it through the day.
And now…?
Tessa hadn’t torn her eyes off Irene’s little note of encouragement.
You got this, girl.
Don’t give up now!
You’re so close.
She was right. Tessa was close, potentially just one phone call, a few minutes of radical courage, and a couple of weeks of real, hands-on experience, to actually achieving a dream she’d had since she was a child. A dream that Livy had been instrumental in helping her get so close to.
If she quit now, stumbled at the final hurdle, she’d be giving up on something that she’d always wanted. She’d be saying that Livy’s efforts, her own efforts, into this were worth nothing. Almost two years of studying, the couple thousand dollars she’d invested, all that effort, all that energy, all those beautiful plans for the future — gone.
Well, Tessa’s beautiful plans for the future were already dashed beyond repair, because Livy had always featured in every one of them.
But did that mean she had to give up on everything she’d ever wanted?
Livy certainly wouldn’t think so. She thought Tessa deserved to be happy. She thought she had more to offer than SQL coding and trend analyses.
Tessa flipped over to the Harper Jones student portal and hit the “Contact My Mentor” tab.
Irene, she wrote.
I’m sorry I’ve been MIA these past months. My fiancée died a few months ago, and it’s been hard to get anything done since. But I have a list of vets that I’m going to be contacting this afternoon, and I’ll find that externship before the end of the month.
I’m not giving up. This has been a dream of mine since I was a kid, and I know if I don’t finish now, I never will. So please expect an externship application within a week or two (kind of depends on how my search goes. :) )
Tessa
The reply came before she’d even logged back out of the portal.
Tessa, I’m so sorry about your fiancée. I hope you’re doing OK. But I’m also thrilled to hear you’re pushing on. I’ve got your back, girl. If you need anything, just let me know. -Irene
What she needed was Livy’s hand to cling to, to have her rubbing along the back of her hand and looking at her with all the trust in the world as Tessa actually dialed phone numbers.
But that was no longer an option, and if she was ever going to get along for the rest of her days, she’d have to find something that would work similarly to that.
But knowing that someone was cheering for her, even if that someone was a person she’d only ever talked to through email — that was not nothing.
Tessa pushed back from my computer and stood, stretching the stiffness of sitting out of her back and legs. This lunch break would be a productive one.
Chapter Four
It was not as productive as she would’ve wished.
Tessa called four of the five vets listed on Livy’s paper, growing more discouraged and hesitating longer between each rejection. They were all very pleasant, but there was no escaping the fact that they were, in fact, rejecting her.
“Thank you, but we’re not taking on externs at this time.”
“Oh. Oh, I’m sorry, he only takes externs in the summer.”
One of the veterinary offices had been turned into a UPS store in the six months between Livy’s investigation and Tessa’s call. The woman who answered the phone didn’t know what happened to Dr. Savage, but she was so eager to help that she put Tessa on hold to see if she could find out, then came back and said he’d moved to a dog shelter full-time.
“Have you tried Pretty Paws?” she asked.
Tessa glanced at her list, and there it was: Pretty Paws Canine Shelter. The fifth and final option on the list.
“Just about to call it,” she admitted with something approaching a smile.
The woman beamed even through the phone. “Well, good luck. Sorry about the confusion.”
“No, it’s fine. It’s an old listing I’m looking at.”
She chuckled, wished her good luck a second time, and hung up.
Tessa stared down at her phone. Four calls, three no’s, and one UPS store. Her odds weren’t looking quite as good now as they’d been an hour ago.
She pulled in one more breath.
One more phone call. If Pretty Paws couldn’t help her, then she’d contact Irene again and see what she might be able to do to either extend her student portal activation or persuade someone around here to take her.
Tessa would rather not have to do that. Irene believed in her, at least enough to urge her to keep going — she didn’t want to let her down by needing help with this.
Her fingers shook as she dialed that final number, and her stomach clenched as the line rang.
This is your last chance, murmured the little voice in her head, the one that always sounded just a little bit like her father. Last chance, and you’re going to mess it up.
“Shut up.” She said the words aloud, though quietly.
Sometimes, Tessa could put some force into spoken words that she couldn’t manage with just thinking them. Sometimes, that extra force worked to quiet that little voice.
Today — not so much.
Why was it taking them so long to answer? It was barely two o’clock, well within normal business hours.
But then, it was a dog shelter. Maybe they didn’t operate in normal business hours?
Would there be an answering machine? Would she have to leave a message?
Somehow, that felt like as much of a failure as being rejected.
“C’mon, c’mon, someone answer,” she hissed into the phone.
Answer before I puke all over my lap.
“Thank you for calling Pretty Paws Canine Shelter. This is Eliza.”
She’d already worked up the nerve to leave a message, so the actual human on the other end startled her. “Oh! Oh, hi. Um. This is … Theresa McKinley?”
Why was she saying it like a question? She knew her name. She cleared her throat and tried again, making sure to drop her voice a little at the end of her sentence to stop from sounding so uncertain.
“I’m looking to speak to Dr. Savage.”
“Doctor…? Oh! Dr. Dale.” Eliza smiled loudly, even more loudly than the woman at the UPS store had. “He’s not available this afternoon, but he’ll be in tomorrow morning. Is there something I can help you with?”
“Well, I mean, I’m hoping to talk to him. About, um…”
Get it together, Tessa. She can’t hurt you through the phone.
“I’m looking for a veterinary externship, actually. I wanted to talk to him about … applying? With him?”
Ugh.
Why did her voice always have to do that, that turning-everything-into-a-question thing it did when she got nervous? It was embarrassing, as if she needed any help being embarrassed.
“Oh, yeah, he definitely does those. Lemme see…” There was a pause, the faint sound of fingers on a keyboard, then Eliza’s voice was back, smiling louder than ever. “If you wanted to swing by here tomorrow morning at 8:30, he should have some time then. It’s after rounds, but before the bulk of the day begins. Would that work?”
“T-tomorrow?”
“Is that okay?”
Well, no time like the present.
; “Yeah. Yeah. Tomorrow’s great.”
“Fantastic. I’ll let him know. What did you say your name was again?”
“Tessa. Um, McKinley.”
“We’ll see you in the morning, Tessa!”
“Thank you, it was Eliza?”
A brief pause where Eliza’s smile was nearly static across the phone line, then the soft beep of Tessa’s cell disconnecting from the call.
Her fingers shook as she lowered the phone from her face; her breaths were coming shallow and fast.
But there it was: the first call that didn’t result in an outright “no.”
Tessa kind of wish it had. Now she would have to push herself through another attempt to impress, another round of requests and the near-inevitable rejection, only this time, she’d have to be in the room with it.
Crap. Why hadn’t she considered this possibility? At least the over-the-phone rejections meant she hadn’t had to unbundle from her fluffy pajama pants and actually leave the house.
But perhaps the hard part of it was over. The appointment was made, the decision done. Eliza was going to tell Dr. Savage — Dr. Dale, rather; she’d sounded confused by the use of his surname for a second there — to expect her in the morning, and if he was expecting her, then she couldn’t fail to show up.
One last thing to do with her phone before she could curl up under her quilt and fight down the nerves creeping through the undersides of her limbs. Maggie worked in the same plaza where Pretty Paws was located, and Tessa was pretty sure she’d be willing to give her a ride. She texted her quickly, with as little detail as she thought she could get away with, and Maggie answered back just as quick.
No prob. Pick you up at 8:15.
And, just like that, it was settled.
Tessa could only hope that this wasn’t about to be a huge mistake.
Chapter Five
Tessa didn’t sleep well that night.
Of course, as with falling asleep on the sofa as she had the previous night, being restless even when she did take herself to bed was far from unusual. But it felt extra-significant given that she was supposed to be — what, exactly? Interviewing? Applying? — for her externship in the morning.
Reign of Terrier Page 2
