My heart palpitated when Jason switched hands on the steering wheel, settling his right hand on the console inches from mine. I wondered if he would take my hand, and what I would do if he did. I bet his hand was warm and rough and strong, and I could almost picture my small dark fingers nestled between his larger, tanned white ones. My heart hammered, and I couldn’t take my eyes off his hand, which was somehow closer to mine than it had been. I watched as Jason’s eyes shifted to mine, then to our hands, then out the windshield again. His left foot was bouncing crazily, and his hand was beating a rhythm on the steering wheel in time to the Carrie Underwood song playing on the radio.
I wanted to hold his hand. Nothing else mattered. I wasn’t sure where we were or where we were going or what time it was, and I didn’t care. I turned my head and met his eyes, and then, with a deep breath, slid my hand underneath his. His eyes widened and his breath hitched, but he didn’t hesitate to wind his fingers between mine. He smiled, and everything was better than fine.
We drove until darkness had fallen, taking turns listening to country music and talking. Jason told me about his dreams of going pro, and I in turn told him about my proposed career path in speech therapy. We talked about school, about the various cliques, and realized we were both only really part of the “in crowd” because of who we were friends with. I didn’t believe Jason at first, but then he explained that he’d learned to be outspoken just so he didn’t get completely lost in Kyle’s shadow.
“See, Kyle doesn’t mean to steal the spotlight,” Jason said. “It’s just how he is. He’s just one of those people who takes the center of attention without trying. I’ve been his friend since I don’t even know when. First grade, maybe? Forever. It’s always been that way. I’d get so frustrated, because everyone would want to be around Kyle, want to be his friend, want his attention because Kyle’s just that cool. I wasn’t that kid. I had to learn to put myself out there, talk loud enough to be heard, you know? Just so I didn’t get lost in the glow of Kyle’s golden-boy brilliance. ”
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“Do I sense bitterness there?” I teased.
He laughed. “Nah, not at all. ” His voice was laced with sarcasm. “For real, though. Kyle is my boy. I’d do anything for that kid. No matter what’s happened, he’s always made sure we’re in it together. But it can be tough being best friends with the star of the town. ”
I nodded. “I know what you mean. Nell is like that. She doesn’t even realize it— she’s just naturally cool. Everyone likes her. She’s popular, and she doesn’t even know it. ”
Suddenly it was full dark and we were still spinning around corners on dusty dirt roads, Jason’s headlights cutting a swath in the darkness. Panic hit all at once as I realized I had no clue what time it was.
I dug my phone out of my purse frantically, then let my head slam back against the seat as I saw the readout: 10:10 p. m. “Shit, shit, sh-sh-sh-shit!” I felt tears welling up. “Stop the truck, Jason. Stop, please. Right now. ”
Jason skidded to a stop and turned to look at me in concern. “What’s wrong?”
I swallowed hard. “I—I didn’t tell Father I was leaving with you. He thinks I’m with Nell. I was supposed to check in at ten. If I call him now, he’ll demand to talk to Nell, and he’ll be mad. I’m in s-so-so much trouble, Jason. ”
“It’s only ten minutes, what’s the big deal? It’s not like we’re doing anything wrong. We’re just driving around. ” Jason genuinely didn’t understand.
I shook my head, breathing slowly to calm myself down. “You didn’t hear what I said. I told him I was with Nell. I lied. ”
“Why’d you lie?”
I shrugged, not quite sure I could explain. “He wouldn’t let me go if he knew I was with you. I’m only allowed to go out with Nell and Jill, and even then, we’re not supposed to be hanging out with boys. If he knew I was alone with you? He’s gonna kill me. Besides, he wouldn’t approve of you. I just know he wouldn’t. ” I didn’t think about how that last part would sound to Jason, but I felt awful as soon as I saw the hurt on his face.
“He wouldn’t, huh? Guess I get that. Not really the kind of guy you bring home to Daddy, am I?” His voice was bitter.
I touched his arm. “It’s not like that, Jason. I didn’t say I didn’t approve of you, just that he wouldn’t, and he won’t approve of anyone. I’ll die an old maid if he has his way. Don’t be angry. ”
Jason relented and shoved the gearshift into park. “Well, let’s make sure you don’t get into trouble. Call Nell and then make it a conference call. Maybe your dad will think you’re with her. ”
I nodded. “That just might work. ”
I called Nell and quickly explained the situation and what I wanted her to do, not letting her get a word in edgewise. She readily agreed, and I dialed Father’s cell phone number, merging the calls before he answered.
“You’re late, figlia. ” His voice was low and angry. “Where are you?”
“Mi dispiace, Father. I’m w-w-w-with Nell. We lost track of time. I’m so sorry. It won’t happen again, prometto. ”
“Let me speak with Nell. ”
Nell’s voice came over the phone, sounding canned and far away to me; this wasn’t going to work, I just knew it. “It’s my fault, Mr. de Rosa. We were watching a movie, and we just got carried away. Don’t be mad at Becca, please. ”
“What movie are you watching?” He sounded suspicious.
“Far and Away,” Nell answered without a hint of hesitation. “It’s about—”
“I know what it is,” Father cut in. “Be home in twenty minutes, Rebecca. We shall discuss this when you are home. ” He hung up, and silence filled the car.
I jumped when my phone rang again.
“Ohmigod,” Nell said, half-laughing. “Your dad is so scary. Do you think he bought it?”
“I don’t even know. I’m still in trouble for checking in late. ”
“So. You’re not with me, and it’s almost ten-thirty. I’m guessing you’re with Jason?” She sounded sly and pleased with herself.
“Yeah. You could have warned me, you know. ” I let a little of my irritation with Nell show through.
She didn’t sound sorry at all. “Would you have gone if I’d called you first?” I didn’t answer, which was answer enough for Nell. “Exactly. You’d have chickened out. ”
“So what happened with you and Kyle?” I asked.
“Don’t you have to be home in twenty minutes?” She was avoiding the question, and we both knew it.
“You’re not getting out of this, Nell. ”
“Call me when you’re home, if you can. ”
“Fine. ’Bye. ”
“’Bye. ”
I turned to Jason. “Can you take me home?”
He nodded and put the truck in gear. “Sure. We’re not that far from your place, actually. I’ve been driving in a big circle, more or less. ”
True to his word, he was slowing to a stop just inside the subdivision entrance. “Stop here,” I said before we reached my house.
As I got out, Jason reached over and snagged my hand, stopping me. “Can we go out again sometime?”
I stared at his strong fingers circling my wrist. “I don’t know, Jason. I want to, but I’m not sure it’s possible. ”
He nodded. “Sure. I heard how he was. I’ll see you at school on Monday?” He released my wrist, and I shut the door behind me.
I stopped and glanced at him through the open window. “I had a great time, Jason. I didn’t think I would, but I did. ”
Jason grinned. “I guess we can thank Nell, huh?”
I frowned at him. “I wouldn’t go that far. ”
He just laughed. “I’m joking. I had a great time, too. Thanks for giving me a chance. ”
I turned away and waved at him with my hand over my head. “Don’t let it go to your head. ”
“Call me!” he said, slight
ly too loud.
“Not going to happen,” I said, walking backward.
“Then text me?” He was leaning out the window, his entire upper half visible.
I grinned at him. “That I might do. Now go before you get me in even more trouble. ”
He slapped the roof of his truck and ducked back in, peeling out and fishtailing the truck in semi-circle with a slight squeal of tires. I shook my head at him, laughing.
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When I turned around, however, I stopped laughing. Father was standing on the sidewalk, arms crossed over his broad chest, silver hair slicked back, dress shirt open one button and his tie loosened.
My heart dropped. Judging by the dark scowl on his face, he’d seen Jason.
Not good.
THREE: Romeo & Juliet Redux
Becca
October, same year
“Y-y-you can’t keep me l-l-l-locked up in my room forever, Father!” I stood in the doorway to my room, fury pounding through me, taking all my fluency with it.
He stood impassive in the hall outside my room, arms crossed over his chest. His eyes were narrowed, dark, angry. “Yes. I can. And I will. You lied to me. You were out with that football player. I’ll keep you in here for as long it takes for you to learn your lesson. ”
I closed my eyes and counted to ten, breathing deep with each number. “This isn’t fah-fah-fair. We just went to dinner. Drove around. I know I lied, and I’m sorry. But p-p-plea-please, I’m going crazy. I already don’t have a life, but now you won’t let me do anything. ”
“Your sanity is at no risk, Rebecca. Stop exaggerating. ”
Another ten-count, ten more deep breaths. Father never rushed me; he always waited until I was ready to speak. He had a stutter as a child, and didn’t completely shed it until he moved to the States and did some fluency shaping therapy. He understood that much about me at least.
“It’s not an exaggeration, Father. School, my room, homework, piano, speech. That’s all I ever do. Even before this, that’s all I ever did. Now? You might as well enroll me in online school and literally lock me in my room. I’ll be seventeen in two months, Father. When will I get to make my own decisions?”
“Basta, figlia. ” He didn’t yell, because he never yelled. The words were delivered quietly, intensely.
I clamped my mouth closed around my screams of protest. I clenched my hands into fists and refused to cry. “You’ll regret this, Father. Remember that. ” I closed the door in his face and sat at my desk, staring out the window at the trees waving in the afternoon sunlight.
I stuck my earbuds in my ears and scrolled through my iPod until I found the song I wanted, “Flightless Bird” by Iron & Wine. It was a song from the Twilight soundtrack, and I’d since devoured every song by Iron & Wine I could find. I liked the poetry in the lyrics, the slightly off-kilter sound and deep-felt meaning in every song. “Singers and the Endless Song” came up next, and I let myself go, let myself stare out the window and listen, just breathing and not speaking, not stuttering, not failing to properly express myself.
At some point, my pen began a frantic scribble across the page, giving vent to my thoughts.
ANYWHERE BUT HERE
Trees wave and tease
Blown in the long free breeze
Urging me out and into the blue
Into the sunlit green spaces
Where no words trip over clumsy tongues
Where no tensions drip like rain from eaves
I don’t even wish I was a bird
I only wish I was out there
Walking in the grass or climbing in the trees
Heated by the sun or chilled by the wind or wet in the rain
Anywhere but here
Chained to this stagnant shore
A prisoner of perfection
An enemy of state
For no more crime than being
A teenaged girl
In like with a teenaged boy
For no more crime than driving
In lazy dusty endless circles
Listening to country songs
And my own nervous heartbeat
My pulse pounding and my nerves twanging
Like the banjos on the radio
I can’t even shout my anger
Can’t even scream my frustration
Can’t even curse
It would only come out a jumble
“Fu—fu-fu-fuck you!”
Fu fu fu fu
Bu bu bu bu
Duh duh duh
Childish stumbling words
Tripping syllables and slippery syntactic screw-ups
That’s me
The silent girl
The stutterer
The prisoner
The smart girl
The valedictorian scribbling maledictions to no one
I heard my doorknob twist and the door banged open, revealing my older brother Ben. He glanced around my room, found me at my desk, and nodded at me, his long, stringy black hair hanging in tangles in front of his face. He kicked the door shut, stopping it from slamming by catching the knob at the last second.
“’Sup, Beck?” He plopped onto my bed and kicked his feet out on my comforter, shoes and all. “Still locked in your tower, huh?” He tossed his head to clear the hair away from his mouth and eyes.
His eyes were cloudy, hazed, reddened. I sighed and turned away from my desk, closing my notebook. “Are you high again, Ben?”
He shrugged. “Yeah, so? I’m havin’ more fun than you. ”
“Dead people have more fun than me,” I deadpanned.
Ben laughed. “True. Old dead people, at that. ”
I laughed and lay on the bed next to Ben, crawling over him to lie on the inside next to the wall, shoving him over with my hip. “You better not get mud on my comforter, Benny. ”
“I won’t. And don’t call me Benny. I hate it. ” He dug in his pocket, pulled out a glass pipe and a lighter, then lifted up and shoved open my window. He lay back down and dug in the cargo pocket of his baggy shorts and pulled out the brown tube from a paper towel roll. Each end of the tube had fabric softener sheets rubber banded over the opening. He sparked the lighter and put the pipe to his lips, lit the pot and sucked it into his lungs, setting the pipe and lighter on his chest before settling back onto the bed.
“You’re really going to do that right here in my room? In the house?” I asked, pissed off.
He shrugged, grinning a closed-lipped smile at me. He lifted the tube to his mouth and blew the thick, acrid smoke through the dryer sheet and out the window, the pungent smell now masked enough to not be readily noticeable.
“If Father catches you, he’ll send you to military school, Ben. You know that, right?”
Ben shrugged again. “He can try. I’m eighteen anyway, Beck. He can’t do shit but have me arrested. ” He glanced at me, gesturing to me with the pipe; I shook my head, like I always did, and he took another long drag. “Why do you call him that?” he asked around his lungful of smoke.
“Call who what?” I felt loose, and realized I was getting a slight contact high from the fumes.
He blew out the smoke before answering. “Dad. You still call him ‘Father’ like we’re in the f**king eighteenth century or some shit. ”
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I shrugged. “I don’t know. I just do. ”
Ben glanced at me in irritation, brushing a strand of hair away from his eyes with the end of the clear yellow plastic lighter. “I call bullshit on that. You’re a certifiable genius, Beck. You’ve got a reason for everything you do. ”
I sighed. “Fine. You want to know? I call him Father because it creates distance. He’s not Dad to me, much less Daddy or anything else. He’s my father, so that’s what I call him. It’s a formal word, and it connotes a formal relationship. ”
Ben laughed. “‘
It connotes a formal relationship,’” he repeated, half-mocking. “Only you, Becca. Only you would say something like that. I just don’t get why you still put up with his crap. I stopped a long time ago. ”
“But you don’t care. I do. That’s the difference. ”
He glanced at me. “Meaning what? What don’t I care about?”
“Yourself. The future. I have plans, and need Father’s money to get there. I can’t afford the universities I need if I’m going to get my doctorate. ”
“That’s shallow and short-sighted,” Ben said. “You could get scholarships. Take out loans. You don’t need his bullshit. He’s a f**king tyrant, a dictator. I hate his ass. Soon as I get a job and save enough for an apartment, I’m moving my ass out. ”
“It is not shallow or short-sighted,” I argued. “Do you have any clue how much it’s gonna cost to get my bachelors, masters, and doctorate? Depending on the university, hundreds of thousands of dollars. I’ll still have to take out loans, but with Father’s help, it’ll be manageable. ”
Ben just stared at me. “Listen to you. You skipped your childhood, I think. What sixteen-year-old is thinking about this stuff? Just be a kid, man. Sneak out. Make out with a guy behind the bleachers or some shit. Get into trouble and make me beat some dude’s ass for you. Quit being so goddamn serious all the time. ” He took a long drag on his pipe and then leaned over and blew it straight into my face before I could roll away. “Smoke some pot and loosen up. We’re young. We’ve got time. Just chill and don’t be so serious. ”
I coughed and waved the smoke away. “Goddamn it, Ben. Don’t be an ass**le. Now I’m going to get high. I tried it with you once, remember? I hated it. ”
Ben nodded, staring at the ceiling. “Oh, yeah. I remember now. You freaked the f**k out, thought Amma was going to come back from the dead and yell at us, even though Amma was alive and living in Beirut at the time. ”
I laughed. “You said yourself you thought it was laced with something. ”
He nodded again without looking at me, tamping down the ashes in the bowl with his thumb. “Yeah, dude, I remember. That shit was potent. You were so wasted I had to carry you up to your bed. ”
“I really hated that, Ben. ” I snatched the pipe and lighter from him and shoved them in his cargo pocket. “I hate it now. I hate what it does to you. It messes with your moods, and you know it. The doctor said—”
Ben stood up, suddenly angry. “I don’t give a f**k what the doctor said!” he yelled. “I hate all those stupid meds they want me to take. They make me feel like a freaking zombie, like I’m half-dead. I’m tired all the time, and I lose a ton of weight ’cause I can’t f**king eat. I hate it. You don’t know what it’s like. This stuff helps me more. Keeps me level, you know? When I get all whacked out and crazy, smoking brings me down, and when I’m depressed, it brings me up. It works better than any of that shit no one can pronounce. Fucking Zoloft and Wellbutrin and Xanax and Clonazepam and Valium and Ativan. It’s all bullshit. Doesn’t work. This shit works. ” He grabbed the paraphernalia from his pocket and shook it at me.
Falling into Us Page 5
