He didn’t respond for a long moment, and I thought he’d fallen asleep, but then he rolled in my arms so our faces were millimeters apart, his green eyes hooded with sleep but sparking with desire and amusement. “Ah, now I know the real reason why you’re here so early. ”
“You’re not the only one with an addiction, you know. ” That was the raw truth; I was totally addicted to Jason’s body, to his love, to the heat of our bodies merging.
There was more to it, though, and I wasn’t about to admit the rest out loud. I needed Jason for the same reason he needed to lift weights and Nell needed to cut. I needed a distraction. I needed something other than the worry for Nell and the weight of the secrets and my parents’ disapproval. When I’d gone home the night before, it had been well before midnight, but my parents had acted like I’d been out past curfew, despite the fact that I was in college. They wanted to know what I was doing and if it would be a habit for me to stay out that late. When I’d told them I wasn’t going to be treated like a child anymore, it had led to a fight. It didn’t matter that I was valedictorian of my high school, or that I’d completed sixty-four credits in three semesters with a 4. 0 GPA at one of the top universities in the country.
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I knew, logically, that my overprotective but loving parents were a minor blip on the life-problems scale. But personal problems were a relative thing. I hated feeling their distrust. I hated the disapproval in their eyes when I told them I’d been at home with Jason last night.
Jason distracted me from these thoughts by slipping his fingers under the hem of my shirt to touch my bare back. I shivered and leaned in to bite his lower lip.
“Out with it,” he said, deftly removing my shirt.
“Out with what?” I pretended ignorance, hoping to keep the conversation light.
“Whatever’s bugging you. ”
I wiggled out of my skirt and threw my leg over Jason’s, sighing in pleasure as he stroked my leg from knee to thigh. “Just my parents. They still want me home by 1 a. m. and expect me to check in with them and tell them where I am. ”
“And they still don’t approve of you spending all your time with me. ” He had my bra off in seconds and was pushing my underwear down past my knees and hooking them off the rest of the way with his toes.
I shook my head. “No. I’m wondering if they ever will. ”
“Probably not. ”
“So should I even bother trying to follow their rules?”
Jason paused, his mouth between my br**sts. “That’s gotta be your call, honey. The last thing I want is to be a problem between you and your parents. I can’t tell you what to do with them. I want them to accept that we’re adults, young adults, sure, but still adults. But whether you toe their line is up to you. ”
“I don’t expect them to like the fact that we’re together, like…well, like this. And I’m not going to flaunt it in their face, but I’m also not going to let them dictate my life. If I want to stay here with you till four in the morning, I’m going to. ”
“What if you just stayed here?”
“Like, didn’t live with my parents over the summer?”
He nodded. “Yeah. Why not? They’re going to have to get used to it sometime, right?”
“They’d cut me off. They’d take my car and my monthly allowance. ”
Jason didn’t answer right away, and I knew his answer would be something I might not like by the fact that he slid back up my body and met my eyes, all playful touching stopped. “Don’t—don’t take this the wrong way, baby, but maybe it’s time you let that happen. ”
I frowned at him. “What’s that mean?”
He sighed. “I—just that maybe you should get that stuff on your own. ”
“Because I don’t know what work is? Because I’ve always had things given to me?”
“Sort of? Look, I know you’re gonna get pissed off at this, but I’m never gonna sugarcoat things for you. ” He wrapped his hand around my nape and brushed a ringlet of hair away from my eyes. “You need to get a job. You’ve never had one. If you let them pay for everything, they’ll always have leverage over you. If you earn things yourself, they’ll be forced to see that you’re capable of making your own decisions. ”
“How many jobs have you had?”
He frowned at me. “I’m not trying to…belittle you, or say I’m better. But I stopped taking Dad’s money—”
“When it was convenient for you to do so. After you had a car and an expensive camera and money saved up. ” I poked him in the chest. “You don’t have a job, either. You have a full ride that includes room and board and books as well as tuition and a dispensation for living expenses. ”
He grimaced; his full-ride offer from U of M was generous, to say the least. “I’m not—look, baby. I’m just saying maybe it’s time you cut the strings a little, okay? Not that there’s anything wrong with the way things are, but…your parents will still love you, right? If you stay here with me full-time, will they disown you and refuse to speak to you ever again?”
I shook my head, seeing his point. “No. They won’t like it one bit, but they won’t do that. They’ll be pissed off for a long time, but they’ll come around. Eventually. I hope. ”
“You don’t need their money or their car, not if it comes with conditions. You can take my truck whenever you want, and you know it. Your scholarships cover tuition and room and board, too, so all you need money for is books and other shit, right? So we’ll find jobs. Both of us. You can cut back to four or five classes next semester and work part-time. I’ll get a job, too, and we’ll pool our resources. If you come to a point where you need your own car, we’ll get you one. ” He kissed me on the cheek, then just beneath my eye, then the corner of my mouth. “Don’t be mad, please. I just don’t want you to have this issue with your parents every time we come back. ”
I sighed, covering my eyes with one hand, thinking. “No, you’re right. I’m not mad. I just hate conflict. I hate confrontations. We argued last night, and they just…they had the gall to look disappointed in me, like I’d let them down by coming home at eleven-thirty without checking in. What do they think is going on at school? They think I’m in my dorm by nine every night? That I’m some innocent virgin?”
“I think they want you to be their little girl forever. Just be glad they care as much as they do. ” The wistful tone in his voice brought everything back into perspective.
I pushed him onto his back and moved to sit astride him. “You’re right. Of course you’re right. I’m just being silly and selfish. ”
He caressed my hips and shook his head lovingly. “No, baby. You’re the least selfish person I know. ”
“But I’m worried about my stupid little problems when you and Nell are—”
He touched my lips with a finger, silencing me. “It’s not a competition. ” He massaged the hollow of my hips with his thumbs, and I unconsciously shifted my weight to allow him access where I most wanted his touch. “I’ll support whatever you decide. I’ll help you any way I can. What’s mine is yours, okay? If you need something, I’ll make sure you have it, however I have to get it. ”
I melted at his words. “You’re not responsible for me. We’re in this together. ”
He laughed. “You’re my woman. Of course I’m responsible for you. It’s my highest duty in life to take care of you, protect you. ”
“Old-fashioned much? I can take care of myself. ”
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He sighed dramatically. “I know that. That’s not the point. I’m not saying sit back and be Susie Homemaker here. I’m just saying you’re not in this alone. ”
I giggled and leaned over him, silencing him with a kiss. “I know that, Jason. Shut up and distract me already. I need my fix. ”
He grinned then, and palmed my br**sts, and I felt the heat in my belly turn to dampness between my thighs. He slid one hand between our bodie
s and slipped a finger into me. I shifted forward to deepen the kiss, my weight on my knees and shins. He tugged me forward and slipped my nipple into his mouth, and I gasped, arching my back toward his mouth, feeling the first wave crash over me.
He circled my clit as I came, drawing the orgasm out until I was writhing above him. I felt his erection at my core, but he still had his underwear on. I lifted up and tugged at them frantically, fumbling with them until he managed to help me get them off. I threw them across the room, my thighs trembling as I hovered over him, hair falling in a curtain around his face. I wiggled my hips downward, nudging the tip of him into my folds, guiding him into my opening with a shift of my hips. I hesitated, sitting upright on my knees, hovering with trembling muscles, relishing this moment, the pause before I sank down with him deep inside me. He held onto my hips, eyes locked on mine, his breath bated. I took his hands in mine, tangled our fingers, and then fell forward, pinning his hands above his head. He let me pin him, a grin on his face. I knew he loved it when I took control.
I drew the moment out, lifting my hips slightly so he nearly slipped out, neither of us breathing, letting the contents of our hearts exchange silently between our eyes. I sank down with a whimper, resting my forehead against his, mouth wide in a breathless scream. I curled my fingers into fists around his, squeezing as hard as I could, setting an immediately frantic rhythm above him. He met me stroke for stroke, never taking his eyes off mine, breathing with me, sighing with me, giving me exactly what I needed.
When the second wave came, I fell onto him, clinging to his neck with both arms, my lips at his ear, our hips crushing together as we climaxed in unison.
“God, Jason…I love you. S-so, so much. ” I was nearly weeping with the intensity of the love rippling between us.
I felt, in that moment, that our souls had crashed together and merged, like every aspect of our minds, hearts, bodies, and souls were bleeding together. I knew I’d never love anyone the way I loved Jason, and I knew I’d never try.
“I love you, too, Beck. ”
I took his face in my hands. “Promise me you’ll love me forever. No matter what. ”
He caught the desperation in my eyes, my voice, and he didn’t question it, didn’t hesitate for a split second. “I can’t promise you forever, Beck. ” Tears started in my eyes at what sounded like a rejection, but he kissed them away, silencing me by speaking over my protest. “I can’t promise you forever, because that’s not long enough. ”
I laughed into his mouth, giggling and sniffling against him, clinging to his neck with all my weight resting on his strong, hard body. “Good. Longer than forever I can work with. ”
He laughed and held me tight, his arms around my back and across my backside. With a tug, he tossed the blankets over us, and I turned my face to the side, his chest my pillow. I fell asleep like that, and knew then that I’d never want to fall asleep any other way.
THIRTEEN: When the Bough Breaks
Becca
February, two years later
Time passed in a blur. That first summer home from college, I did end up moving in with Jason in my brother’s somewhat dingy two-bedroom apartment. My parents, as predicted, lost their shit completely, but when I still came home to do laundry and spend time with them, making sure to include Jason in all family get-togethers, they eventually came around. It turned into a “don’t ask don’t tell” sort of situation, and it worked. We went back to U of M in the fall and lived in separate dorm rooms for that first semester of our sophomore year. Jason got a part-time job as a janitor at a local high school, and I ended up in the tutoring center.
We went home for holidays and stayed with Ben and Kate, who managed to hang on to the apartment through the school year just so we’d have somewhere stress-free to stay. My brother was doing better than I’d ever seen him. He was an assistant manager at the Belle Tire, sober, and managing his mood swings with only occasional use of prescribed medication in extenuating circumstances. Kate really was a miracle worker when it came to Ben, and I loved her like a sister. She was one of the tallest girls I’d ever met, standing over six feet. She was willowy, slim with long auburn hair, pretty gray eyes, and a wide, always-smiling mouth. She never had an unkind word for anyone, and seemed totally devoted to my brother. She was one of those people who never bought anything that isn’t 100-percent organic, supplementing a vegetarian diet with a plethora of vitamins and shakes. She did yoga religiously, and got me hooked on it. She had a way of defusing even the worst of Ben’s manic rages, and she could lift him out of the worst depressions with a few whispered words. She never lost patience with him, never took his snapped insults to heart when he was in the grip of a mood swing. The only time I ever saw her lose her temper was when she caught Ben with a joint in his cigarette pack. She wigged the hell out, packed a bag, and walked out without so much as a backward glance. She didn’t actually go anywhere, though. She hopped in her car and drove around the block a few times, and then sat in the apartment parking lot, waiting for Ben to apologize. Which he did, abjectly, begging Kate to come home and never leave him again.
The worrier in me saw an element of codependency in their relationship, because I didn’t think Ben could maintain his lifestyle without Kate at his side. But she was always there for him, so it worked, I supposed. If she ever got tired of Ben’s bipolar mess, though, I worried he’d regress to his days as a stoned-out drug addict.
As for Nell? She seemed to improve with time. She finished a basic liberal arts associates degree from OCC, worked her way up to a mid-level manager’s position within her father’s company on her own merits, and seemed to be doing okay. She never reached out to me about cutting, and I never caught her doing it again, even when I surprise-visited her every once in a while. I saw scars on her wrists sometimes, and every once in a while she’d have a Band-aid on her forearm, but she claimed it was a slip, that she’d stopped cutting for the most part.
At the start of our senior year, Jason and I decided to move out of campus housing. We found a one-bedroom apartment a few miles from campus but not too far from the high school where Jason worked. My job was on campus and our schedules tended to coincide for the most part, so we got along with just Jason’s truck, which now had almost two hundred thousand miles on it. Those first months together in our apartment were the happiest of my life. I went to bed in his arms, and woke up in them. I was an early riser, whereas I discovered Jason hated mornings with a passion, unable to so much as hold a conversation until he’d had at least two cups of coffee. I always considered myself a neat person, but it turned out Jason was the one who did most of the cleaning. He claimed it was because if he didn’t clean his house growing up, it wouldn’t get done, since his mom didn’t care and his dad was a drunk.
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I had a straight 4. 0 GPA at the start of the spring semester, and I had applications out to a dozen of the best universities for post-graduate work in speech-language pathology research. Jason was still breaking football records, and had scouts for half a dozen NFL teams watching every game he played.
If I had to pick a word for our lives, up until February of our junior year at U of M, I’d have called it idyllic. I filled thirty-six composition books with poetry during those years, and Jason had a portfolio of breathtaking photography and was warming up to my suggestions that he think about trying to sell a few of them. Football was his passion, but to me photography was his true talent. He could capture so much in a single photograph. He focused on macroscopic shots primarily, closeups of everyday objects, especially insects and flowers. He had a few closeups of flowers that reminded me eerily of some of Georgia O’Keefe’s paintings, which he said was his intention. His photography major included a heavy dose of art and art history, and he seemed to absorb it all like a sponge.
Then, one Sunday morning in mid-February, Kate called me.
“Becca? I’m worried about Ben. ” Her soft, quiet v
oice sounded panicked.
“Why? What’s going on?” I set aside my textbook and sat up on the couch where I’d been studying.
“He’s not answering my phone calls. We…we had an argument, a bad one. He left, and I thought…I thought he was just going out to cool down, but it’s been three hours and he’s not back, not answering my calls or texts. He knows that worries me, and he always texts me back right away. ”
“Was it bad enough that he’d…regress? Like, relapse?” I asked.
“I don’t know. I hope not, but I’m worried. Is there anywhere he’d go that you know of?”
I racked my brain. “I don’t know. I’m sorry, I can’t think of anything. ” I sighed, worrying at my lip, trying to think of something I’d know that Kate wouldn’t. “If I think of anything, I’ll let you know. Are you worried enough that you want me to come down and help you look for him?”
She hedged. “I don’t want to worry you, and I know you’re busy getting ready for finals, but…no. Not yet. If I don’t hear from him soon, I’ll let you know. ”
“Ben used to disappear for days at a time,” I told her. “I never knew where he went, honestly. I guess I assumed he had, like, secret druggie hang-outs or something. Since he’s been with you, that stuff has stopped. But if he was mad enough to have a relapse, he might go back to one of his old hangouts. I just don’t know where that is or who to ask. I stayed out of his life, in that sense. ”
Kate moaned. “He hasn’t seen anybody he used to party with in, god, a year and a half. Aside from the time I found that pinner in his Pall Malls, the only really big fight we’ve ever gotten in was a few months after I started dating him. He’d been sober for a while, and we’d talked about his drug problem, and I told him if he really wanted to stop the temptation to do drugs, he had to cut off his association with people who did them. So he stopped hanging out with his party friends. Then he hung out with an old friend who I knew for a fact was a hard-core stoner, and I got mad at him. He said he hadn’t smoked, but that wasn’t the point—it was just being around people who smoked. Eventually he’d relapse. ”
“Well, you might want to check with someone like that. ” I hesitated, then blurted, “What were you fighting about?”
“His cigarettes. I asked him if he’d ever quit those, too, and he got mad. He said he’d given up everything else for me, so why should he give up those, too? He stormed out when I reminded him that he had quit drugs for him, not me. ”
“That’s it?”
She sniffed. “That’s the Cliff’s Notes version. There was a lot more to it. ” Kate sighed. “He’ll come back. I know he will. ”
“Keep me updated, okay?”
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