by Jamie Hawke
“Thor’s real?” I felt my mouth hanging open, but couldn’t do anything about it.
“Of course he is.” She laughed. “Actually, he’s a real nice guy too, even though he’s one of those elitist types—just a Myth like the rest of us, but all those stories of him being a god really got to his head.”
“And if I wanted to be like him? I mean, could I control lightning?”
She frowned. “Only if you get an appropriate item. That’s a rare one, like Prestige. If you take on that class, you might not see the advantages for years. Though I imagine the Myth council has access to one or two lower level magic items, many are lost.”
“I’m guessing a lot of Legends are the Sorcerer class? And Myths, too? Like Merlin?”
“Right,” she said, though there was a twitch of her eye that piqued my interest. “Thing is, there are other classes, just… these are the ones you have access to. The enemy has some others, such as Warlock, Witch, Necromancer, and more. It gets complicated.”
“Tell me we have Paladin and you just forgot to mention that one.”
She laughed. “Subclass, now that you mention it, but… we’ve got to hurry. I’m sure Red’s done paying by now. You can reach Paladin by going Warrior, but also—”
“Sold!” I said, knowing where I belonged. Shit, what was I going to do throwing fireballs around or learning the ways of some monk? Let another hero do all that. I wanted to cut through enemies with a blade like Conan. Fuck yeah.
“Okay… Simple, but when you get to subclasses, we can see how that works out for you. Assign your Ichor like this…” She motioned to the screen and started moving through options, then indicating the class section, highlighting Warrior for me. It lit up and I clicked the accept option. “And then assign your prana in areas that will support your class.”
“No need for mana then?” I asked, kind of let down by that thought. As much as I wanted to be the baddest warrior in town, using magic would be cool.
“Not until we hit those subclasses.” She went for the door, opening it a crack and glancing out. “Come on, hurry.”
As I finished, I felt giddy. It was official—I was on my way to becoming a modern paladin. Chris would never believe this… and unfortunately, I’d never be able to tell him.
“I should tell you this part too, I guess,” Pucky said as I finished and closed the screen, feeling stronger and more badass already. “Ichor will help you upgrade your class with class-specific skills, but later you can use it to bond with a weapon—such as Red with her dagger. Then you can actually level up the weapon, in a sense. It gets complicated, but is damn good fun.”
“You had me at ‘bond with a weapon,’” I said, grinning. If nerdgasms were a thing, I was having a billion at once. I took her by the face, kissed her firmly, and then wrapped my arm around her as we strolled out of the bathroom and nearly knocked over a woman who looked to be in her forties.
She looked from us to the bathroom, then back to us, and said, “Ugh, gross. Get a hotel next time.”
I just laughed. Pucky turned red, as we kept on without another word.
“You know, I’ve never really been on a date,” Pucky said as she led me back out to the entrance, where Red was waiting.
“Does this count?” I asked.
“Should it?”
I thought about it, then shook my head. “If we don’t die, I’ll take you on a real one.”
“Deal,” she said, wrapping her arm in mine.
“Eat in the car, folks,” Red said, holding up the doggy bag and gesturing to a car waiting for us. “It’s go kick some bad guy ass time.”
11
As the car sped along I stuffed my face, loving the chimichanga and the memory of what had just happened a few moments ago when I ate my last one. In between mouthfuls, Pucky asked Red to tell us exactly what was going on.
“When they had me, they were talking,” Red said, “and I overheard them bragging about which Myths they’d captured.”
“And?”
“Well, at first I was listening because I know we need to track who we’re going to have to save, if we can ever find their hideout. But then they mentioned a name that got me all wet—”
“Red!” Pucky laughed.
“What, this guy?” she indicated me and grabbed my crotch. “You just gave him head under the table at the restaurant while he was eating a chimichanga. I don’t think he minds my crude mouth.”
I really didn’t, but the grabbing my crotch thing whenever she wanted… was nice but also kinda weird, so I grinned and took her hand. She looked at my hand in hers, blew me a kiss and took her hand back.
“So the name?” I asked, trying to get over that weird moment.
“Right… Elisa.” Red beamed and Pucky put a hand to her mouth.
“We got them,” Pucky said. “Fucking A, it’s legit. We got them.” She turned to the window now, leaning to look up and glance about.
“Can someone explain?” I asked.
“Oh, sorry.” Red turned to me, excitement practically boiling out of her. “Elisa, the Swan Princess.”
Again, nothing.
“For the love of St. Nick,” Red said, shaking her head and laughing. “Listen, noob, here’s the deal. The Swan Princess has her brothers, basically not real brothers anymore, but powerful Fae that take the form of swans and come to her when she beckons them. They can do various things, but in this case we only need them for one very special reason—they’ll guide us right to her.”
“And if they’re keeping her in the hideout, which we hear they are,” Pucky interjected, “we find the local hideout we’ve been searching for, for what? About a year now?”
“Ever since we learned they might be keeping the actual Excalibur somewhere on the West Coast, yeah,” Red replied.
“Wait—”
“Yes, the actual sword of King Arthur.”
“Fuckkkk,” I said, totally giddy now, also leaning out over and looking up at the sky.
“So Mowgli and the others,” Pucky said, “they were confirming that, and checking with the locations of the swans?”
“Right, and following up on another lead, along with ensuring it wasn’t BS. From what I hear, the Swan Princess has been playing them for some time now, undercover as Maleficent. But it’s true, her cover’s been blown.”
“And the real Maleficent?” I asked.
“Oh, we’ve got her deep in the dungeons.” Red chuckled, and I had a feeling she was both involved with capturing the woman and very glad they had done so.
“There!” Pucky said, and sure enough, the sky lit up with a ray of sun as the clouds parted, white streams of them forming into what looked like swan-shaped clouds at first, and then there really were swans gliding along, leading us west of our current location.
“Follow those birds,” Red told the driver, and then we were off in pursuit.
“What do I need to expect here?” I asked. “More of the same?”
“Worse,” Pucky said. “They’ll have some sort of guardian for sure, especially since if this is one of their actual fortresses, they’ll have at least one magical item. Our hope is Excalibur, but that’s a high-ticket item.”
“Right, King Arthur, you mentioned him before.” I took a moment, trying to wrap my head around it all. “He was real. And… like the stories say?”
Red guffawed. “Sorry, it’s that no—none of the reality was exactly like the story versions.”
“And in this case,” Pucky turned to me, hand on my leg, “brace yourself… Arthur went dark.”
“No…” Every cartoon and fun game from my youth, some great movies from my older years, they all came crashing down around me. “As in, he’s a Legend now?”
“A defeated one,” Red said. “We had Excalibur for a while, but then one of the Protectors sold out too. Crossed over with—”
“Red!” Pucky interrupted, giving her a stern glare.
“He needs to know, and he’ll find out eventually anyway. Alrea
dy has, pretty much.”
“A promise of becoming a Legend?” I asked, and nodded. “Yeah, I caught onto that back there with Peter Pan.”
“See?” Red gave Pucky an ‘I win’ glance and then continued. “A Protector decided she wanted the power of the Evil Queen, but… they betrayed her, handing her over to the queen along with Excalibur. So we lost in two ways that day.”
“She was… my first Protector,” Pucky said, staring at her hands as she started to pick her nails. “Not my proudest moment.”
“And not in the least your fault,” Red said, then turned to me. “Our job is to help you, to guide you when we can, but ultimately you are your own person. You go dark, I’ll slit your throat as quickly as I did the Crooked Man.”
“I never would,” I said, kind of pissed she’d even say such a thing. “I’ve loved fairy tales since I was a kid, obsessed over all the Anderson and Grimm stuff. D&D and all that? Never even chaotic neutral—fucking paladin whenever I could be.”
“Yeah, we didn’t ask for your nerd resume,” Red said with a chuckle toward Pucky, who totally ignored her.
“I think it’s hot,” Pucky said.
“Of course you do.” Red leaned over to get a look outside, reminding me of my more recent, non-nerdy obsession—those tits. Damn, they looked good. Pucky noticed me looking and laughed, then moved over to sit closer.
“Thing is, some people say that you play your opposite,” she said. “Me? I went as evil as I could without being a dungeon monster. Kinda makes you think about everything from another angle.”
“Wait, fairy tales—er, Myths—playing D&D?” I couldn’t grin wider. “Damn, now that’s what I’m talking about.”
“More often Pathfinder,” Red said with a groan. “Sometimes Shadowrun. Can we… move on now? Back to the topic?”
“You too?”
“Shut up.” This time when she leaned forward and showed her cleavage, she raised her eyebrows, watching me and waiting. “There, do I have your attention? Good. So, long story short: we hope to find Excalibur, but other items that seem to give off some sort of magic aura are welcome too. And they don’t all look ancient—could be anything.”
“Got it.” I frowned. “But what I don’t get… Why turn? I mean… Peter Pan and now King Arthur?” I shook my head, leaning back. “My world is shattering around me.”
“They aren’t the only ones who’ll surprise you, I’m sure,” Red said.
“Don’t tell me… No, do. Maybe just one more—the one most surprising.”
“Snow White, for one. Betrayed the Snow Queen, took her power, and the dwarves followed her over. Loyal to a major fault.”
“Fuck me.”
“Now’s not the time,” Red said. “But yeah, soon enough.”
“Is someone going to make that joke every time I say that?”
“One of us, probably. Yeah.”
“For sure,” Pucky agreed with a chuckle. “That’s the price you pay—no quarter jar, just a horny teammate jar.”
“I can take it,” I replied. “So what’re we in for, exactly? What should I expect?”
“As for the location, not a clue,” Red said and Pucky nodded, still watching the sky in awe. “But as for the enemy? Here’s what we know.” She took her wrist computer again and hit a few buttons. A green glow came from her arm and then holographic images appeared, hovering off the screen. People—no, Legends. I recognized one as the wolf-woman who had bit me.
“The Big Bad Wolf,” I said, watching as the image of her transformed into a standing werewolf, then back again.
“Yes, Sharon. When she attacked you… a darkness was left behind. It’s going to try to come at you, especially in your down moments. If you’re in a morally questionable place, if your soul is conflicted, it’ll strike.”
“But I can fight it. I already did.”
“Peter Pan and his pirates wouldn’t have been coming here, not if they were taking off in a plane. So he won’t likely be in this fight, but… he’s one you need to worry about. With that shadow of his, he has the ability to reach into you, call on the darkness. Others as well, and if Sharon’s there, another shadow manipulator might be involved as well, taking us to Skyggen.” She indicated a dark form that was exactly that—a shadow. Not a Shade, I could tell—just a shadow. “A hostless shadow. He went dark long ago, after his host was executed. As they were separated at the time, he survived.”
“What the…?”
“I know.” She then indicated another that I recognized—the woman with the curved horns from in the car, earlier. “There’ll be others there for sure, but since Pucky tells me you already had a run in with her sister—”
“Er…” Pucky said, turning to her with a frown.
“Sister?” I said. “Yeah, someone left that tidbit out earlier.”
“Nobody else would’ve been able to break our bond back there when she did,” Pucky said. “Sorry. I just… I don’t know, I felt like it was my fault you were in that predicament.”
“Because it was your sister?” I asked, and when she nodded said, “No, that’s ridiculous. What bothers me, though, is the fact that you’d feel the need to hide it from me.”
“Is it such a big deal?”
“She’s—” Red started, but I held up a hand and kept going.
“Actually, it is,” I said. “Am I the Protector now? Yes, and per your words, that means I’ve given up practically everything to fight here at your side. That being the case, I expect to know these things, and to be able to trust that you’re telling me the truth and everything that’s relevant.”
Pucky opened her mouth as if to argue, but instead nodded. “Understood. Agreed.”
“Thank you.” I turned back to Red. “Same for you.”
She arched an eyebrow but then said, “Deal. Can I continue?”
“Actually, since it’s Pucky’s sister…” I turned to Pucky, waiting.
“Technically, my half-sister. Her name’s Riak,” Pucky said. “She came about by my father straying with a Shade Master, so she has a stronger connection to that world than many others, Myths and Legends alike.”
“But if she pulls me into that place again, you have the power to pull me out, like before?”
“I don’t think she will again.” Pucky leaned back, head against the seat and eyes focused on mine. “She’s not the type to try the same thing twice. Especially now that she recognizes she’ll need to put more energy into her powers if she hopes to take you down.”
“Which we won’t let happen,” Red promised.
“Fine. Okay.” I motioned to the holographic images, of which there were a few more, including what looked like a couple of Snow White’s dwarves. “Who do we have left?”
“Could be any of these,” Red replied, “or none at all. These are the ones that have been spotted in the area in the last year or so, but that doesn’t mean much. We have flying monkeys, some of the forty thieves, and even a rumor of Goldilocks.”
“She’s evil too?”
“Not all Legends are ‘evil,’” Pucky reminded me.
“Right,” Red agreed. “But she could be working for them. She goes for the deepest pockets, a sort of mercenary or assassin, known for her ability to sneak in and do the deed. Hence the real reason for her name—dealing with locks and lockpicking.” She pulled up an image. Sure enough, Goldilocks actually had raven-black hair and olive skin. Not exactly what the fairytales claimed.
“They’re gliding down,” the driver’s voice said through a speaker.
“Thank you,” Red said after pressing a button, then turned to me. “All leveled up, right? Ichor applied?”
“We took care of it,” Pucky said and then had me pull up the screen with my blue rock.
“Good, good,” Red said, looking it over. “Warrior?” She looked back to me with a raised eyebrow. “You’re not… I mean, no offense, but…”
“I’ll get there,” I said, very offended. Sure, I wasn’t buff, but wasn’t the point
that they were going to train me and I’d get magic items?
“You can change the class,” she pointed out. “For now, anyway. But when you get to the subclasses, you’ll be locked in. Just want to make sure. I mean, Warrior does make sense, it’s just so vanilla.”
“What class would you’ve had him pick?” Pucky asked, irritation heavy in her voice.
“His frame, maybe Monk.”
“Most people who’ve gone Monk have been training in martial arts their whole lives,” Pucky countered. “It would’ve been a stretch.”
“Right, and Tempest… damn. Yeah, maybe Warrior then.”
“Don’t make it sound so much like the ‘last resort’ option,” I said. “Maybe I should go Sorcerer then?”
“With the darkness already in you?”
“Huh?” I turned to Pucky, who scrunched her face.
“I was glad you didn’t ask much about that option,” she said. “Because, yeah, you’ve been bitten, you’ve tasted the darkness. Sorcerers are the most likely to get cursed items, most often the ones likely to turn to darkness.”
“Damn,” I said, as in the back of my mind I was still kind of toying with that being one I’d switch to at a later point.
“We’re going to need to level you up as we go this time, because while this should help you survive in there, it’s not enough. Not to win. So have it ready, and be on your toes. Got it?”
“I’ll be a ballerina,” I said, trying to be funny. Neither laughed.
“Like… are you talking about the Red Shoes of Karen?” Pucky asked. “I don’t think they’d do you much good and—”
“Never mind,” I said, chuckling to myself. “Just… on my toes. It’s stupid. Yes, I’ll be ready.”
“Great, and one more thing.” Red turned and pointed to Pucky. “Motivation.”
It took me a second, but yeah, her shirt was hanging low again giving a nice titty shot. I laughed as she at first covered up but then flashed me.
“Hey, if it helps,” Pucky said then reached over and popped out one of Red’s tits.
“Dammit,” Red said, putting it back in. She laughed, winked at me, and said, “Work hard, play hard.”
