I can’t be sure. I’m not sure I’d love me.
Then again, I love Solon despite all that he’s done.
“I killed someone,” I say through a choked sob. “I killed Matt.”
They both stare at me for a long moment, my mother’s face slowly crumbling. “Oh, sweetie,” she says, putting her arm around me and holding me close. “I’m sure it was an accident.”
“But it wasn’t,” I tell her. “It wasn’t. I was so angry and mad at him for the way he had treated me, and I was so scared too, that he thought I murdered Elle, that he was going to blame me, turn me in, and I hadn’t fed in a week and I…I…”
My dad lets out a shaky breath and takes my hand in his. “It was an accident, Lenore. Did you want to kill him?”
I shake my head. “No. No I just wanted to feed and I was so wrapped up in my anger and my fear and I was so confused. I stopped, I didn’t…”
I didn’t actually kill him.
“What happened?” my mother prods gently.
“I drank his blood. It didn’t kill him but…he knew. He knew what I was. And Solon was there.”
“So Absolon killed him,” my dad says coldly.
“Yes. He did. He broke his neck.” I close my eyes at the awful image, at the horrible sound. “I know why he did it but…”
“You didn’t kill Matt, Lenore,” my mother says firmly. “Absolon did.”
“He wouldn’t have had I not done what I did, had I been able to control myself, if I wasn’t such a fucking monster!”
“Lenore,” my father says, squeezing my hand tight enough so that I look at him. “You aren’t a monster. You’re figuring it all out as you go. You don’t know yet how to balance both sides, but you will figure that out in time. Until then, you’re going to make a lot of mistakes. Some of these mistakes…may feel too heavy and large to bear. But please know, you didn’t kill Matt. Absolon did. That was his choice. He could have found another way, but in the end, he is who he is. I think we both know who the real monster is.”
I shake my head. “He’s not a monster. He’s…someone trying to deal with his dark side on a daily basis.”
“Then isn’t that what you are?” my mother says. “Isn’t that what we all are? Lenore, we’re no angels. We kill vampires. That’s what we do. Now, vampires are alive? aren’t they? Just as you’re alive? They breathe and they eat and they sleep and they feel and they love. Just as you love.” I swallow and she gives me a sympathetic smile. “I know you’re in love with him. I wish to the Goddess that you weren’t, because this is going to be a long and complicated road for you, but I know you are and I know you can’t fight it, no matter what we might say.”
“Look,” my father goes on, glancing at my mother for a moment, giving her a sad smile, “we do what we have to do. We kill vampires that pose a threat to us and humanity. We don’t take pleasure in it, and it doesn’t make us feel good either. This is a tough world you’re born into, and born into yet again. We all do things that hurt at the time, even if they’re right, and sometimes they aren’t right at all. Sometimes it’s just this endless gray area we have to muddle through. So please, don’t hate yourself for this.”
He gives my hand another squeeze. “And it’s unfortunate that Matt is dead, it really is, and you’re going to grieve and grapple with this the same way you did with Elle. But please don’t dwell on the darkness within you. It will only invite it out to play, it will only drag you down to its depths. You don’t want that, not when you know you have black magic in you. To invite it into your life would…would be a mistake. A big mistake. You might be seduced by the power it provides and that means you might never come back to the light that you are.”
“Sweetie,” my mother says, kissing me on the cheek, “we are both just so relieved that you came to us, that you are grappling with your morality and humanity, because that’s what being human is. To not feel anything at all…that’s when we’d truly have to worry.”
“I wish I didn’t feel,” I mumble, my heart still sinking under all the excess weight. “I wish I could just…be free from it.”
“No, you don’t,” my father says firmly. “Because that’s what separates those with a soul from those who don’t have one. The remorse is good. The pain is good. Accept it, deal with it, but don’t revel in it and don’t push it away.”
I close my eyes and think about Solon. I think about all the skulls he keeps, the reminders of what he is. How he needs to feel that remorse and guilt and shame in order to keep himself in check, no matter how awful it makes him feel. It would be so much easier for him to not feel anything at all. And yet he chooses that pain, because it keeps him human—even though he’s not.
“Solon hates me,” I blurt out suddenly, another tear rolling down my cheek.
“Hates you?” my mother repeats. “What makes you say that?”
“Because,” I tell her, wiping the tear away angrily, “I did what I did. He warned me. He told me I shouldn’t be out in public, that I might need to feed, and I thought I was fine. I didn’t listen. And then I did something so stupid, putting us both at risk, and I made him make the choice to kill him. I know he didn’t want to. He has a conscious and a heart, I know it. And then I drank Matt’s blood and…”
They both fall silent for a beat.
“I see,” my mother eventually says. “I’m guessing he’s your typical vampire then, as territorial as they come.”
“And yet he’s not typical at all. He’s…”
He’s unlike the rest of them, unlike any other creature on this planet.
He’s everything to me.
“Does he love you?” my father asks me.
I nearly gasp at the idea.
I press my lips together, my chest growing tight. “I don’t know. I don’t think so. I know he was in love once and…I think he’s doing everything he can to not go down that path again. Like he’s turned that part of him off. His heart…I think he prefers it cold.”
“That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you,” my mother says softly, brushing my hair off my face. “Listen, I hate the idea of him having feelings for you, Lenore, but he does. I may not know him well enough to know what feelings those are exactly, but they are there. I saw them. And they go farther than just being an obsessive and controlling vampire. It’s deeper than that. If it’s not love, maybe it will be. Maybe he’s capable—and willing—of that.”
I give her a wry look. “Almost sounds like you want that to happen.”
She makes a face. “I know what it sounds like, believe me. But at the same time, it would be better if he loved you. I’d sleep easier at night.”
I would too.
“Did you know Solon had been watching me my whole life?” I ask quietly.
My parents exchange a glance. My mother nods. “Yes. We did.”
“We didn’t know for sure at first,” my father adds, clasping his hands together. “We thought perhaps he was watching the two of us. He knew what we did was unsanctioned, and even though we granted him clemency, we didn’t trust him not to report us. Or kill us. Hand us over to the vampires. He’s so duplicitous, you can’t predict what he’s going to do.”
“But then, after a while,” my mother goes on, “we realized he wasn’t watching us in order to harm us or turn us in. He was watching over you. He was curious, that much we could tell. We figured he knew you were Alice and Hakan’s, so we thought maybe he’d try and take you from us, but he never did. He kept his distance, though we knew he was just biding his time.”
“You know he was human once,” I tell them.
“Yes,” my father says. “Son of Skarde. There are many legends about him.”
Legends about Solon? How I would love to hear them all.
I glance at my mother. “Why did you think he’d use me to try and take down his father?”
She shrugs. “Just a theory. We knew he was Skarde’s first made, we knew that there’d been a falling out, that they became enemies. When he too
k you, I figured he took you because he saw the power you had inside you, that you were half-witch. Then when I learned you were the daughter of Jeremias, then I thought it might be true.”
“So you think he had been watching over me because he wanted me for some underground army?”
“I don’t know anymore,” she says with a sigh, “I really don’t. He seemed adamant that wasn’t the case, and now I’m inclined to believe him. What do you believe?”
I reach for my necklace, feeling the ruby between my fingers, disappointed at how cold the stone is. “I think it’s crossed his mind. I think that’s probably why he took me. But I also know he won’t ever put me in harm’s way. He does want me to develop my magic, I know that much. But it’s been tough going.” I glance at my mom, then my dad. “Though you could teach me.”
“You’re right,” my father says, patting my leg and getting to his feet. “We could. And we should. There’s no point in you only leaning into your vampire side. Absolon only knows parlor tricks, magic that was given to him. He can’t create it or shape it.”
“Can you teach me how to snap my fingers and create fire?” I ask hopefully. “Because it makes me really jealous that he’s able to.”
He laughs. “Yes, daughter. In time. This won’t happen overnight. You’re unskilled. You saw what happened with the earthquake.”
“I still don’t know what I did.”
“You accessed the well on instinct alone,” my mother tells me. “The moonlit one inside you. It’s the same well in all of us.”
“So then how do I do that again? I know the well, I see it. I may have even used it before, but lately when I try it…nothing happens.”
“Because it scares you,” my father says, holding out his hand and helping me to my feet. “It’s a good thing, in a way. It’ll make you respect it. And now, with what you know about Jeremias, and the black magic, it probably scares you even more. Because the black magic is in the well too. You just have to figure out how to separate the two. Remember, just because you’re predisposed to black magic, doesn’t mean that’s all you have. It’s still magic in the end. You can use it for good. You can call upon it to help you with light instead of dark.”
He glances at my mother and they exchange a wordless conversation. Then my mother gets to her feet.
“I think it’s time you go, sweetie,” she says putting her hands on my shoulders.
“Why? I just got here.” I feel a pang of rejection.
“We’ve been talking a lot,” she says. “And as much as you think Absolon hates you, you still belong to him now. That doesn’t change. He’ll get over it, you’ll see, and I don’t want that vampire showing up in this house unannounced and uninvited, okay?”
I nod, hoping my mother is right about that. I still belong to him, don’t I? Or will I return to the house to find his heart frozen over even more so, never to thaw?
For the ages, he had told me. I was his for the ages.
What if he changed his mind?
“I’m going to drive you,” my dad says, snatching up his car keys.
“Dad,” I protest. “No. It’s like ten blocks. I’ll walk. Or I’ll take the Black Sunshine.”
“No,” my mother says abruptly. “You stay out of the Veil. Bad things happen in there. Perhaps it’s not the same for you, but for a normal person, or a witch, the more you go in there, the more it changes you.”
“It’s quick and easy.” And creepy.
“I’m driving you,” my father says again. “End of story. You’re safest in my car, there are runes all around it. Don’t worry. If you walk alone, you don’t know what will happen. A vampire might bite you again, yes even in broad daylight, and you won’t have Absolon to put them in their place.”
I snort. “Putting them in their place? That’s a mild way of saying he ripped the heart out of someone and set it on fire.”
They both stare at me blankly. “He did what now?” my father asks.
I give them a quick smile. “We should go.”
I give my mother a hug goodbye and then we go down the stairs and out the front door. I slip on my sunglasses, the sun bright, and we head across the street to my father’s Volvo, getting inside.
I buckle up out of habit and relax in the seat, breathing in the familiar smell of the leather, the gauzy packet of dried lavender, rose, and sandalwood stuffed in the console, noting the crystals hanging from the rearview mirror. Now that I know what my parents truly are, it’s hard not to notice all the signs of witchcraft they’ve strewn amongst themselves.
My father pulls out and we head up Lily Street, the traffic quiet today. I don’t even know what day it is, time is losing all meaning again.
But my inner thoughts about the lack of traffic quickly come to a stop because the car comes to a stop just past Steiner, two blocks from where we’re supposed to turn right onto Scott Street, which will take us right to the house.
“What on Hecate’s aura is going on?” my father grumbles, trying to see around the traffic that has piled up in front of us.
“Why did you want revenge against Alice and Hakan?” I suddenly ask my father. “Why did you go through all the trouble to kill them?”
He eyes me, brow raised in surprise. Then he looks back to the road, inching forward a couple of feet with the traffic.
“Elaine had a sister, Tabitha,” he says uneasily. “Alice killed her.”
“Why?”
He gives me a look like, why do you think?
“Vampires aren’t supposed to kill without reason,” I go on. “Did Alice kill her for her blood?”
He rubs his lips together and looks back to the road. “I’m sure that was part of it.”
“You’re not telling me something,” I say. “Why did Alice kill Tabitha?”
He exhales, kneading the steering wheel. “It’s a long story, Lenore,” he says and then honks the horn, sticking his head out the window. “Come on, what’s the hold up?!”
I sigh, staring at the side mirror, watching the traffic line up behind us. I don’t know why the hell he’s being so cagey about my real vampire mother, but I have a feeling it isn’t good. Maybe he doesn’t want to tell me anything more without my mother around, since it was her sister after all.
“Oh, here comes someone, maybe they’ll tell us what’s happening,” my father says, but I pay him no attention, hoping that Alice was just an ordinary morally gray vampire and not someone horrible, because I’m not sure I could take it.
“Excuse me, sir, do you happen to know what’s happening up ahead?” my father says, and I turn my head to look at who he’s talking to.
A man lowers his head, peering in through my father’s window, staring straight at me. Grey hair, black brows, black eyes.
Brimstone fills my nose.
I open my mouth to scream but he’s fast.
Because he’s a vampire.
Yanik.
“Hello Lenore,” he says, smiling with fangs, which he then promptly places in my father’s neck, biting down with a splash of blood.
My scream finally comes through and I thrash, trying to free myself from the seatbelt, trying to fight him off, protect my father, whose only screams are drowning in his throat.
Then Yanik unhooks his jaw and rips open the door, dragging my father out of the car and dumping him in the middle of the street.
Yanik gets in the car in a flash, and then he’s driving up the street on the other side of the road, into incoming traffic, narrowly taking out pedestrians and the people who have come out to see what’s happened.
I’m still screaming, twisting in my seat to see my father lying in the road, people rushing to his side, and then I’m finally free of my seatbelt and putting my hands on the door, trying to escape.
“Sleep,” Yanik says in a deep voice, brushing his thumb over my forehead, and then suddenly the world goes black.
Chapter Twenty-Five
I’m dreaming again.
Except the dream has changed.<
br />
Instead of the frozen wasteland of rolling hills and snow, I’m in a barn surrounded by fog. It’s dusty, smells of old forgotten hay, and spider webs, and mice. It also smells like blood, if blood had been infused with tar and poison.
I’m sitting in a chair in the middle of this barn, a red circle of blood drawn around me. On the other side of the blood are members of the Dark Order. Wearing their cloaks, the strands of red hanging from their hoods like waterfalls of blood, right to the floor.
They stare at me and I can feel their teeth sharpening behind the veils. There must be a dozen of them, all of them in a prayer pose, palms pressed together, and yet I can tell they’re ready to pounce.
And it’s quiet.
Too quiet.
Not a single breath.
Then the scent of brimstone fills my nose, an awful, malevolent smell, and suddenly the fear flooding through my veins becomes real. Very real.
Because I’m starting to think that this isn’t a dream at all.
I’m starting to think this is real, just as everything comes crashing back to me.
Being in my father’s car, stuck in traffic in the city, a vampire at the window.
Biting my father’s neck.
The blood.
My screams.
And that’s when I see him.
Walking around the circle, behind the creatures in their cloaks, prowling like a predator, is Yanik. His face keeps disappearing as he paces behind their hoods, but I still feel his cold eyes on me, piercing through.
“Lenore Warwick,” Yanik says to me, continuing to pace, his hands behind his back. “I can’t begin to tell you how long I’ve waited for you. You’re so young that you don’t understand the concept of time yet, but let me tell you, it feels like eternity.”
I stiffen in my chair, adrenaline spiking through my system as I’m finally realizing that I’m here, really here, and this is happening. I’m not just sitting here politely, I’m tied to the chair, much like Solon had tied me so long ago. But even though I’ve changed since then, as I test my strength against the ropes, straining, I realize I’m just as helpless as before.
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