by M. L. Ray
When had Federico begun to change? Juno had seen the messages on her phone from him last night, one after another, asking her to call him, asking her to forgive him, but she had ignored them. The last time they talked, before he told her he was going into rehab, Federico had been manic, rambling on about building her castles and palladiums and lord knows what else.
“Are you high?” She asked, in a voice of ice when he’d paused for breath.
“Don’t start, Principessa,” he’d snapped and Juno had hung up the phone.
It was starting again. Federico was an addict in every sense of the word. If it wasn’t women, it was gambling, or it was promising her the world and then leaving her short of rent. The last time that had happened, she’d simply moved out of the family home and left him to it. Federico was twice her twenty-one years, but he seemed more childlike and irresponsible the older he got.
He’d brought her up and those years from when she was three to when she was eighteen, he was the model older brother, the model parent and she could not have asked for more. But when she’d left for college, he’d lost focus, drifted. The lost degree became a cause of major regret, and not a little resentment.
Then it was drugs. He bypassed traditional gateway drugs and took straight to cocaine, hoovering it up his nose as he partied with models and celebrities, his stunning good looks and family name guaranteeing him entrance to every high society party in Venice and Rome.
The heroin came later. Juno hadn’t told anyone about that, instead dragging Federico off to a rehab facility and booking him in as an involuntary patient. He’d spent three months drying and had been clean ever since.
Until the last of the Carnevale di Venezia earlier that year. The company had some well-deserved vacation due after performing for the elite of Venetian society and Juno had planned with Federico to spend the last day of the annual spectacular dressed up and parading around Venice enjoying the festivities. Juno had been looking forward to this day for months and had excitedly dressed in her beautifully crafted mask and gown and went to find her brother.
Except he wasn’t home. He’d been out the previous night celebrating and she knew he may be hungover but it wasn’t like him to not come home. She’d gone to the houses of his friends and only when her cell phone buzzed, did she find out he was in a hospital bed.
Overdose. Luckily, he’d been found before he could suffer any serious consequences but Juno had been furious, devastated and crushed all at once. She nursed her brother back to health, waving away all his apologies, and then the day he was back to full health, she told him she never wanted to see him again. “You’ve broken my heart one too many times. I can’t do this anymore.”
She would never forget the look on his face. It had been five months and every week since then, she had received a letter from a local drug testing company with clean test results from Federico. He respected her need for distance and had left her alone and she had been grateful for that. His only other communication had been a letter a month ago.
I am on my way back to myself and to being the brother that you deserve. I love you with all my heart, dear one. I understand why you did what you did. I hope, one day, you will forgive me. Your brother always, Federico.
Juno kept that letter with her at all times, hoping beyond hope that one day, she would believe him.
Warm-up over, the class ran through its practice session. They were preparing a showcase for the more experienced of the corps de ballet. Juno, Jake and two other dancers, Danil and Fausta, were all in line to become principals when two of their company’s lead dancers moved onto ABT in New York. Juno knew she was the second choice for the female principal spot. Fausta Di Silvio was more experienced, better connected within the industry, but she didn’t have Juno’s fluidity of movement, her ability to mesmerize with her performance and she knew it. Rather than raising her own game, however, Fausta was resorting to bitching Juno out, trying to destroy her confidence. Juno didn’t let it get to her—she told Fausta on more than one occasion to try not to be such a cliché.
Now they were practicing Giselle, the romantic two-part ballet. Juno and Fausta would alternate the role of Giselle with the Queen of the evil Wilis, Myrtha, while Jake and Danil would share the roles of Albrecht and Hilarion, Giselle’s lovers.
Juno had gone through the moves for this ballet for years. She’d loved it ever since her mother had taken her to see it when Juno was only two years old. Even at that young age, she had been entranced by the story, the choreography, by Adolphe Adam’s music. When, like now, she was in character—and it didn’t matter to Juno which character—she felt close to her mother and she experienced that rare thing—absolute happiness.
Even after the session was over, Juno stayed behind to practice, her arms gracefully sweeping through the port de bras, her feet moving around the polished wooden floor, feeling the slight bounce of it as she jumped and pirouetted. She knew the choreography by heart but always couldn’t resist putting her own spin on the moves outside of official practice and it was these that her tutor, Claudia, commented on now.
Juno hadn’t realized her mentor was still watching her before she spoke.
“Juno, dear, you know you could include them in your performance. You shouldn’t be afraid to take risks.” Claudia walked to the piano now, clicking off the stereo as she did. “Now, show me that last part again.”
She began to play and Juno, flushing, began to move, trying not to show nerves as she moved around the floor. When she finished, Claudia nodded to her. “Good. They need refining but I can definitely see the promise. Come sit.”
She patted the piano stool beside her and Juno joined her. No matter how many times she spoke with Claudia, she always felt a little starstruck around the prima ballerina. Claudia DeMotta was one of the ballet world’s biggest stars but she had never quite reached the level of Pavlova or Copeland or her great idol, Carla Fracci. But Juno had sensed in her teacher that she cared little for plaudits or fame—her love was for the dance itself. Juno could relate to that.
Now Claudio fixed Juno with an amused but gimlet stare. “Juno… I’ve been meaning to talk to you.”
Juno felt a jolt of unease. Usually, talks by Claudia meant a pupil was being gently told they were no longer in the company. This rarely happened, but it had always been something Juno dreaded.
Claudia’s face softened. “And that expression why I want to talk to you. Don’t worry, Juno, you’ve done nothing wrong. We would never ask you to leave us unless it was for a more prestigious company. You know, don’t you, what an exceptional dancer you are?” She sighed as Juno swallowed hard, unsure how to answer that. “I’ll answer for you. You don’t. Juno, the only thing holding you back from making the leap to prima is your lack of self-esteem. When you move, I see flashes of confidence and I revel in them. You need to start bringing that into your life outside of dancing.”
Juno felt her face flush. “Any ideas on how to do that? Is there a shop where I can buy some confidence?” She made the joke out of being uncomfortable but Claudia laughed and leaned closer, nudging Juno’s shoulder with her own.
“Want to know my secret? Fake it until you make it. The more you act confident, the more you will become confident. It won’t happen overnight, but it will happen.” Claudio studied her eyes. “Juno… my dear, this is my way of telling you that the company is moving forward with promoting Fausta to principal. I’m sorry.”
There was a sting, but Juno found she wasn’t as disappointed as she might have felt. “It’s okay. I know I’m not ready.”
Claudia grimaced. “The thing is… if you could just harness some confidence, you would out dance us all.”
Juno smiled at her teacher. “I will try, I promise.”
Claudia patted her arm. “Good girl. Now go, get showered, go eat,” she said this last with meaning having lived in the world plagued by eating disorders, and Juno laughed, “and get some rest.”
Juno show
ered and changed into her most comfortable leggings and t-shirt, slipping on her sneakers with a sigh of relief. Going down to the small cafeteria, she found Moriko and Jake waiting for her, and when she told them about Fausta, she grinned at their outrage on her behalf.
“God, she’ll be even more unbearable now,” Moriko put her head on the table. “Do you think she’ll make us call her Prima?”
“Oh, undoubtedly.” Jake rolled his eyes. He squeezed Juno’s hand. “I’m sorry, Boo.”
Juno shrugged. “It’s okay, really.” She stole a French fry from Jake’s plate then wrinkled her nose. “Eww.” It was cold and flaccid. Jake nodded.
“Yup. Let’s get out of here and eat our bodyweight in carbs.”
“Oo, carbs,” Moriko said, raising her head at the mention and Juno laughed. They set out into the city, finding a small café and ordered baccala mantecato and enjoyed the fish mousse spread thickly on slices of fresh bread. A delicate lemon gelato was their dessert and then they sat in a bar, drinking cold diet soda and people watching. The bar overlooked one of the canals and Juno peered out of the open window to the water below. There was the usual stink of the canals but having lived here so long, she was used to it and it rarely bothered her any more.
She didn’t share the same romantic view that tourists had of the city, but she still thought it was the most beautiful place in the world. She rested her chin on her hand as she gazed out as dusk began to fall. Exhaustion swept over her but also contentment. The truth was, she was relieved she wasn’t being made principal. Claudia was right, she wasn’t confident enough, and being only twenty-one… it wasn’t the right time.
Her cell phone buzzed, and she checked the caller i.d. She didn’t recognize it and sent it straight to voicemail. “Still avoiding Federico?” Jake smiled at her kindly but she shook her head.
“It wasn’t him. And, yes. Until he can prove…” She trailed off, feeling uneasy. Federico had been sending her his clean drug tests for months now so Juno didn’t know what was holding her back from contacting him. Jake seemed to sense she didn’t want to talk about her brother and changed the subject and Juno went back to her reverie.
She missed Federico. So much, it was a physical pain, but after last time, when he’d been clean for years, the horror of his relapse had hit her hard. She was terrified of losing him and her removing herself from his life was part of that. She thought if she cut him out it wouldn’t hurt so much if he destroyed himself but she knew that was foolish. Federico had been her person for so long that she knew she would love him forever.
She suddenly felt a strange compulsion inside her and excused herself from the table. She went outside and called Federico’s number, letting it ring until the call itself went to voicemail.
“Ferdie… it’s me. Look, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have ignored you, not after you spent so much time getting those drug tests to me. I… am proud of you. I am. I really am. Look, I don’t want to do this over the phone. I’m coming to you. Now. I hope you’ll be in.”
Jun went back inside the restaurant and told her friends where she was going. “We’ll walk you to his door,” Moriko said gently and Juno nodded gratefully.
They walked through the city, the streetlamps blinking on as they strolled. Despite the heat, they could hear the distant rumble of thunder and by the time they had reached Federico’s apartment, a light patter of rain had begun to fall. Juno rang the bell, not wanting to barge in on her brother, but there was no reply.
“I have a key,” she said, but somewhere inside of her, a curl of dread was beginning to unfurl. She opened the door and the stench of death hit her straight away.
Oh, Mio Dio, no…
Jake immediately stepped in front of her, shouting to Moriko to hold Juno back as he ran into the apartment, but Juno was too quick and wriggled out of Moriko’s reach.
She had to know, she had to see for herself…
Juno barely heard Jake’s shout of “No!” as she pushed past him and saw her brother. Federico’s lips were blue, his eyes open and staring but dulled. Sightless. All the breath left Juno’s lungs as she took in the sight of his body. He’d obviously been there a couple of days; his blood had settled in his extremities. His mouth had fallen open in a grim rictus and his once beautiful face was already beginning to cave in.
Juno felt as if she were in the worst nightmare of her life. She felt the earth shift around her, her life crumble. It was over. The world had ended.
Federico was dead.
Chapter Three
Venice, Italy
Levi stood at the back of the church, staring at the dark wood coffin at the top of the aisle. Ferdie was dead. Gone. Levi had stepped off a plane three days ago and taken a cab to Federico’s apartment to find it swarmed with polizia. He’d had to answer questions about Federico from the police officers investigating and they wouldn’t let him see Juno.
Not that he could have helped her. After all, the last time he’d seen her, she was a child, and he didn’t know her. She certainly didn’t owe him any of her time, especially now she was grieving.
He tried to spot her at the church, but she was elusive then and it wasn’t until afterward, at the wake, that he realized she hadn’t attended the funeral at all. A young American man who introduced himself as Jake told him he was Juno’s friend. “She’s angry,” Jake said sadly. “At Federico. He’s been clean for months… he had been clean for months and just… it was a speedball that did it. Some bad batch, the cops say.” He looked at Levi curiously. “How did you know him?”
Levi told him about college, and then about Federico’s email. Jake gave a sigh. “Yeah, he was always full of big ideas. Juno just wanted her brother back, you know?”
“Do you think she would meet with me? I mean, I know she’s on her own now and I’d like to help.” Levi stopped, realizing what he said could be misconstrued. “I have a kid sister myself, a cancer survivor. I would like to help.”
“I can certainly pass on a message but I can’t guarantee anything.”
“I would really appreciate it.”
Juno didn’t call him for almost a week. During that time, not knowing really what to do with himself, he explored Venice. There were a few places he and Federico used to hang out when they stayed at his parent’s house all those years ago, and some were exactly the same but they’d lost something knowing that when he was last there, Ferdie was alive and full of so much promise and he affected his surroundings with that magic.
He found a small coffeehouse and was sitting outside, sipping his Americano and people-watching when his cell phone rang.
“Is this Levi Zapata?”
A soft voice. Nervous.
“Juno?”
“That’s me. Jake told me you went to my brother’s funeral. I…” Her voice trailed off. “I think we have met. A long time ago.”
Levi smiled. “We have. You were only a toddler.”
There was a long silence but Levi waited for her to speak again. “So… you remember my parents too?”
“I do. They were wonderful people.” Too late, he realized this might have sounded like a brag but he heard her take a breath in.
“Do you want to… I mean, if you want to meet up, I can…” Juno’s voice was shaking badly and Levi felt his heart tug with sympathy for her.
“Juno… I would love to see you and talk but it’s really your decision. If it would be too painful…”
He heard her laugh but then realized she was crying softly. “Oh, little one… I can come to you. Whenever you want. Wherever. A public place if you’d like.”
He listened to her sobbing quietly for a moment, then she sniffed. “Yes. Please.”
They arranged to meet at the cafeteria at her ballet company the next morning and Levi began to say goodbye.
“Wait.”
He waited.
“I… I know he asked you to come here. I saw your email. Do you really think he meant it? That he wa
nted to change his life?”
Levi felt the weight of responsibility on his shoulders. This girl had no-one, but he didn’t want to give her false comfort. “I don’t know, Juno. Maybe that’s something we can try to figure out together.”
***
Levi called Knox at home, hearing Tabitha laughing and screaming in the background. “Sounds like bedlam there.”
“Yeah, but you know. You sound down.”
Levi chuckled. “I could never hide anything from you, bro.” He sighed. “It’s just sad, is all.”
“I know. Did Federico’s sister ever get in touch?”
Levi told him about the conversation with Juno Martello. “She sounds broken, dude. I keep thinking about Flynn, and I don’t know how I could do that to my sister.”
“Right?” Knox lowered his voice. “But we all know people can change. It’s just so surreal—he spends all that time getting clean just to blow it all?”
“We’ve all been there though.”
“Ha,” Knox chuckled, “not you, Levi. You’re our rock, remember?”
Levi thanked him but felt strangely irked by the compliment. It had always bothered him and although he knew they said it out of love, it put serious pressure on him and had done his whole life.
Levi had gone through life being scared to ever make a mistake and this had driven him to be a perfectionist and control freak to the point of ridiculousness. He was organized so well he knew almost what every day held in store for him. “Well, this time,” he murmured to himself as he ended the call to Knox, “I have no freaking idea what to do.”
And it was true. Ordinarily, he would have attended the funeral then flown back to the States, no reason to stay.
Except years ago, he’d made a promise to Federico. One night, in Rome, a few days after Levi had graduated and Federico had joined him for a weekend to celebrate in the capital, they’d gotten reasonably drunk and had managed to sneak into the Coliseum at night. They lay in the middle of the ancient monument, staring up at the stars and Federico had turned to him.
