Knowledge about the group’s particular beliefs, demands, and practices in this context is very important. This awareness can provide the sensitivity necessary to avoid arguments and needless confrontation. For example, if cult members have a rigid diet, clothing requirements, or prohibitions against certain activities, such as watching television or reading newspapers, don’t do anything to offend them. Insensitivity toward such issues may stimulate unreasonable fears instilled by the group and might abruptly end a visit, conversation, or general communication.
If at all possible, it is also important to develop some sensitivity to certain terms, phrases, or words a certain group or leader may teach. This is what psychiatrist Robert Jay Lifton has labeled “loaded language” or “thought-terminating clichés.”722 Certain words or references may be twisted and reinterpreted in some way to have special meaning or significance. For example, Scientologists often call those who are critical of Scientology “suppressive persons” (SPs). Amway frequently defines its critics as “dream stealers.” Learning this language is important. You can accomplish this by reading articles and books about the group or reviewing the group’s literature and materials. Be sensitive to the group vocabulary and the implications of its use.
Conversation
Whenever one converses with a cult member, it is very important to ask open-ended and thought-provoking questions without being accusatory or argumentative. For example, ask questions about the future such as, “What plans do you have for next year?” or “How do you imagine yourself in five years?” or “What will you be doing then?” If such questions are asked honestly and sincerely—and not in a condescending or patronizing manner—they may spark spontaneous ideas and stimulate consideration and critical thinking. This might provide the basis for the cult member to consider his or her role in the group, sense of security, or concerns about the future. It would also be meaningful to discuss any education plans, medical care, or even retirement. Keep in mind—and be sensitive to—unreasonable fears he or she may have developed through group denunciations of such things as higher education or prescribed medicine. Conversation must thus be limited within certain parameters to avoid conflict.
If unreasonable fears come up, try to put them into a more objective frame of reference by giving accurate feedback. For example, respond thoughtfully, “Why is that a serious concern?” Always allow the cult member to answer completely and listen courteously. Being a good listener is important. Don’t interrupt or in any way belittle or ridicule his or her responses. Always remember that you are largely dealing with a cult-influenced person. Be aware that what you think or feel is reasonable, rational, and logical may not be considered the same within the group or by its leaders. Also keep in mind that cult members go through a process of change to adapt themselves to the group norm. This may result in alternating moments of clarity when they seem reasonable and receptive, but then this may suddenly shift to suspicion or fear. In this sense it is often difficult to determine how a cult member is likely to perceive and receive an outsider, since this may vary due to the group’s ongoing influence.
Ask simple questions about daily life such as, “What did you do this week?” or more generally, “How are things going?” Demonstrate genuine interest in the group, its daily life and activities. Don’t ask pointed questions that sound accusatory and never imply in any obvious way that something in a conversation might be wrong.
Encourage family members and old friends to keep in contact with and visit the cult member. Be sure everyone is aware of the boundaries and limits to this communication, as previously outlined. Generally, the more communication exists with people outside the group, the better the situation can be.
In any conversation with a cult member, connecting in some way with his or her past is meaningful. That is, mention things that occurred before his or her involvement with the group. This reminder can stimulate happy memories of life before group involvement, and these memories can be recalled and reinforced. You can do so by recalling happy times spent with family and friends, accomplishments at school, perhaps even old romantic interests. But this must be done without offending the group’s sensibilities and/or breaking any of its rules. For example, the group or leader may have special rules regarding celibacy, celebration of holidays, or certain prohibited activities. Working within such a framework in conservation can be difficult, but it is important to demonstrate to the cult member through relatively passive and nonthreatening conversation that his or her past life did have some happiness, value, and meaning.
Never be aggressive or envoke punishments. Never try to induce guilt feelings through the recollection of family memories. A destructive cult or leader can easily turn this conversation around and use it as an indictment of family, old friends, and their intentions. Assume that anything said to a cult member will be repeated to leaders or others in the group and will be further scrutinized. That is why it is so important not to say anything negative; you do not want to provide the basis for the group and its leaders to discredit and dismiss family and old friends. Always be truthful, positive, and consistent; and make every effort to fulfill commitments.
Being a good listener leads to more effective information gathering about the group, its practices, living conditions, and whatever jargon the group may use. Try to keep notes about conversations whenever possible, including key points, certain words, and frequently used phrases. Note rules, practices, and diet standards that exist in the group. Many cults are so small and relatively obscure that there is little, if any, meaningful information readily available about them. The notes may prove to be invaluable in the future.
Only the most extreme groups discourage any expression of emotion or endearment. In most groups there is no prohibition against sincere feelings. As we keep this in mind, it’s important to include words of love and regard in a conversation. Saying “I love you” and “It’s always good to hear from you” or “I miss you” may be especially meaningful.
Life often becomes boring in a destructive cult. Repetitious and tedious tasks can lead to boredom. There is also often a shaming milieu that leads to low self-esteem. Many cults promote the general impression that no one can ever really be good enough. Members find themselves toiling endlessly to demonstrate that they are truly committed and to meet the expectations of leaders. In addition, cults are notorious for barely compensating members for their work and often simply exploiting them for free labor. Ultimately these conditions can make daily life in many cults dull and little more than drudgery. As time passes a cult member’s memories of a better life before involvement in the group may begin to filter through and seem increasingly appealing despite the group’s influence.
It is very important for cult members to know that they have family and friends on the outside who care. These people can be a constant reminder that there is a better life and that a safety net exists. The continuing, loving support of family and old friends can reinforce this reality. If a cult member considers leaving the group, this ongoing outside support may become a crucial factor in such consideration. By continuing to express love and commitment, family and old friends send the message that there is a way out and that the possibility of a better life still exists.
Personal Visits
Visiting and making face-to-face personal contact with cult members is important. Concerned family members and old friends should frequently try to make and encourage such visits. These visits could potentially include birthdays and special occasions such as anniversaries and holidays. Again, they must be done with sensitivity regarding the group’s influence.
Most cult members don’t live in isolated compounds, and doing personal visits is often relatively easy to do. If there is a history of arguments concerning the group or leader, it may take time to diminish the stress level that exists and resume more relaxed conversations and visits. Always remember that what is said and done has consequences. Consider this whenever communicating or visiting a cult member. That is, c
onfrontational and negative behavior may lead to an end of communication.
Organizing visits with cult members away from the cultic group is always preferable. This could include visits at home or in a private residence, such as an invitation for a meal. Always remain courteous, even if rebuffed. Visits may include long descriptions of group activities and projects. Listen patiently but don’t confuse courtesy with feigned feelings. Expressing support for the group and its activities isn’t necessary. But be polite and attentive; if there’s nothing positive you can honestly say, it’s preferable not to comment.
Remember that every comment you make will be viewed through the lens of the group and could potentially be repeated to others in the group. That is why you should exercise caution when making comments. When you are in doubt about what to say and how to act, doing nothing is preferable. It is much easier to add comments later than to retract those you’ve already made.
Encourage happy memories or talk about things that can be seen as universally positive, such as someone who recovered from an illness or something as simple as good weather. If possible, try to draw on the cult member’s known sense of humor to strengthen rapport. If possible, everyone should be encouraged to maintain contact through face-to-face visits. These visits may be the only meaningful personal contact and emotional connection the cult member has outside the group.
Hopefully the cult member can be courteous too. But if you aren’t being treated respectfully, it’s all right to offer a gentle reminder, such as, “I am doing the best I can to understand and be respectful. Please give me the same consideration.” If during a visit the cult member becomes confrontational or argumentative, a considered response might be, “I am sorry you are upset, but I appreciate it when you express your feelings honestly.” And if the visit becomes too stressful, it’s all right to say, “Maybe this is not a good time for you.” At that point, apologize and leave. Again it’s almost always appropriate to add, “I love you” or “It’s been really good to see you.” It’s best to avoid an argument that might negatively affect future communication and visits.
When invited to cult activities, such as a religious service or group program, be careful. Attending a public service or program to visibly demonstrate a reasonable attitude may be valuable, but participating in training sessions or intensive group programs designed for indoctrination would be unwise. Such a session or program could potentially become confrontational and volatile, and it could possibly lead to serious problems, such as arguments with leaders.
Public events are much safer and more likely to be basically passive encounters. Cults typically try to manage their public image and often use open events to recruit new members. In such circumstances leaders and members are far less likely to engage in provocative behavior or become confrontational. Instead they usually endeavor to appear benign and welcoming. It is also possible to be influenced and even recruited into a group through such exposure. The influence of group involvement, or what is called “participant observation,” is recognized in the fields of sociology, anthropology, and communication. That is, the researcher’s involvement in a group being studied can diminish his or her objectivity, may potentially lead to bias, and can substantially affect research results.723
Doubts
There may come a time when a cult member expresses doubts about the group, its leaders, or its practices. It’s important to understand that this time of questioning may be only a temporary time and it may pass. Being mindful that this situation might pass is an important reminder not to comment too readily about how bad the group is or to say, “I always knew that leader was bad” or “wrong.” Keep in mind that if the cult member later decides, often through the group or leader’s influence, that his or her doubts were somehow misplaced and family or friends said something negative, it’s likely that group members and possibly those in leadership will discuss their comments.
For this reason being circumspect when commenting about a member’s doubts is best. A careful and considered response is to be a good listener and take no definite position. A cautious response might be, “That’s interesting” or “I didn’t know you felt that way.” This response defers taking a definite position. If the member communicates repeated doubts and misgivings about the group through further conversations and visits, you may want to consider a more assertive response.
A measured response may be to tentatively test the situation by sharing some information—for example, documentation specifically gathered about the group. Depending on how that material is received, you may suggest additional information, such as books about cults and coercive persuasion techniques, when and if that opportunity seems suitable. But you should preface the sharing of such materials with, “I came across some information about the group or leader. Would you like to see it?” Or you may say, “Someone once suggested that I read books on the subject of undue influence and coercive persuasion techniques. Do you think those might be helpful?” It’s important to be calm and conciliatory as opposed to aggressive. Allow the cult member space for comfort and personal reflection. If an offer of help is rejected, don’t be persistent. A careful response might be, “That’s all right; let me know if you change your mind. The information is here if you ever wish to review it.”
At times it is much easier for cult members to recognize what is wrong with other groups than with their own. In this sense, depending on the situation, it may be better to offer material and books that do not name their group specifically but rather others with similar problems and practices. Again, allow space and time for the cult member to sort through such issues at his or her own pace. If this seems to be an especially unique opportunity or crucial juncture, consulting a knowledgeable professional might be best. This could potentially be a psychologist or counselor. Make a careful choice. The person should be someone who is sensitive to cult issues and experienced in counseling former cult members.
Some cult situations, however, may be so extreme that immediate action seems necessary. Certain group activities or practices may be illegal, potentially unsafe, or dangerous. In such circumstances families and those concerned often feel torn between preserving goodwill and communication with a cult-involved individual and informing the appropriate authorities and risking alienation. Cults often cut off communication after such an action is taken by the family or friends of a member. Leaders often feel threatened and may decide to isolate the group member. When one considers contacting the authorities or the media or both, keeping these possible consequences in mind is important.
What do you have to lose?
Would such action narrow your options in the future?
For example, if an intervention is a possible consideration for the future, increased isolation and lack of access may make that option impossible.
This is a decision that must be made very carefully. If the matter involves criminal activity such as child abuse, labor violations, or health or housing concerns, however, local authorities should be notified. If there is a legal or medical concern, it may also be necessary to call an attorney or medical doctor for his or her input and consultation.
If there is no evidence of criminal conduct and only the suspicion of possible illegal activity, always remember that one option is to wait, gather more information, and not act immediately. The operating axiom that fits is, “When in doubt, don’t.” That is, when you are unsure about how to respond in a particular situation, refraining from responding is safer. What is done cannot be easily undone. In most circumstances you can decide on some action after gathering information and doing careful deliberation.
But in the case of a suspected medical emergency, child abuse, or potential violence, time may be of the essence. It might be necessary to act immediately regarding suspected wrongdoing rather than take any risk. Anonymous reports can be made to authorities such as the police, child protection, and social services.
Support
Just as former cult members may need support, the fa
milies and old friends of cult members may also find support groups helpful. A relevant support group may be nearby. Specific support groups devoted to the families and friends of cult members are available in the United States. A support group can be helpful in handling and coping with a difficult ongoing situation that is both psychologically and emotionally draining. Counseling professionals with relevant experience may also prove to be a meaningful resource.
When dealing with the issue of cult involvement, some families may benefit from networking with others in similar situations, and by contacting knowledgeable professionals and former cult members. Some people find that such support helps to sustain them and also that such networking can be useful for gathering information and keeping current and informed about a cult group.
When participating in a support group and networking with others, being discreet and maintaining confidentiality are also important. Cult members may perceive such involvement as threatening or negative, and it may potentially affect whatever relationship and level of communication currently exist. Be sure that any contacted person or group understands the importance of privacy and confidentiality. Verifying that any support or networking group shares your concerns and is credible is also critical.
Cult Awareness
Some concerned parents, family members, and friends may become anticult activists. That is, they may become involved in publicly exposing a cult or cults in general by working with the media, law enforcement, public officials, or protection services to monitor a certain group and its activities. This step can produce positive results by protecting the public or cult members, such as children in a particular group who are at risk. Such action may also provide a release by “doing something” and creating a feeling of empowerment in what otherwise may seem like a powerless situation.
Cults Inside Out: How People Get in and Can Get Out Page 22
