The young man could be quite demanding, and at times the daughter felt that she could never do enough to satisfy him. We discussed how the feeling of never being good enough engendered dependency and how that dependency might provide the basis for further dominance and control.
The repeated parallels between the cited warning signs associated with abusive, controlling partners and the history of her own relationship and current situation seemed to take the daughter aback.
As we moved forward through the first day of the intervention, we examined the definition of what has been called a “cultic relationship.”1127 In such a relationship one individual is “deliberately manipulative and exploitative,” and “there is a significant power imbalance between the two participants. The stronger uses his (or her) influence to control, manipulate, abuse, and exploit the other.” But unlike a cult, which is typically a group dominated by an authoritarian, charismatic leader, the cultic relationship instead includes only two people. In such a situation “all the attention and abuse is focused only on one person, often with more damaging consequences.”1128
As our day together drew to an end, I asked the daughter whether she would agree to resume our discussion the following day. She nodded in agreement and also made an explicit commitment not to contact her boyfriend in any way, shape, or form. Per our previous preparation, her parents had shut down any and all means of communication within their home. The girl gave her cell phone to her mother.
The following morning the daughter seemed more interested in conversation and less angry about the initial surprise nature of our meeting. We now discussed another profile that frequently appeared to fit some abusive and controlling partners. That is, many abusive partners seem to match much of the behavior attributed to narcissistic personalities or what has been labeled NPD (narcissistic personality disorder).1129
Some of the characteristics we subsequently discussed, which are linked to NPD, included a person who seemed to have a grandiose sense of self-importance, someone given to exaggeration regarding his or her achievements, and a person who often expressed a desire to be recognized as superior. Such a man or woman might frequently be preoccupied with fantasies about future success, power, and/or ideal love. I asked the daughter whether these traits might be attributed to her boyfriend. She was quiet at this point.
I discussed in further detail how such a person might have a belief that he or she is “special” and warrants excessive admiration. When dealing with such an individual, he or she seems to express a sense of entitlement or unreasonable expectation for special treatment. The individual may also lack empathy or the ability to easily recognize the needs and feelings of others. Often such individuals may seem arrogant, aloof, and egotistical.
The daughter looked down at the floor. These characteristics seemed to resonate regarding the boyfriend’s behavior. I explained that people who fit such a profile rarely make significant or major changes regarding their personality and behavior. If someone fits such a profile, it is more likely that he or she will remain the same and continue to express the same pattern of behavior.
As we moved into the latter part of the second day, the daughter agreed to invite the babysitter and longtime family friend to sit in on our discussion. This young woman, who was well known and whom everyone in the family respected, had once been involved in an abusive, controlling relationship.
After the babysitter arrived, she explained in some detail the history of her past relationship. The young woman thought that telling her story might potentially help the daughter in sorting through her own recent experience. The daughter trusted the babysitter and highly regarded her honesty and integrity.
The babysitter related the history of her troubled relationship, which lasted years and caused her tremendous pain. She said that at first everything seemed to be wonderful, but then the relationship rapidly changed and became abusive and controlling. The babysitter’s boyfriend fit the same profile we had discussed over the past two days. The young woman described him as intensely possessive, jealous, dominating, and narcissistic.
The babysitter said that as a direct result of her boyfriend’s influence and his demands, she became increasingly isolated from old friends and family. Her boyfriend became an overwhelming and dominant force in her life and monopolized all her time. Eventually the babysitter had little time for anything or anyone else. She said it felt like being slowly but methodically suffocated.
The babysitter explained that she tried to fix the relationship but that her boyfriend never accepted any responsibility for whatever needed to be fixed. Near the end of the relationship, after one breakup, the babysitter’s boyfriend threatened suicide. She went back to him, believing that to do so was necessary to save his life. At that point the babysitter also believed that whatever was wrong with the relationship must be her fault. And her boyfriend convinced her that she would never find another person who would love her as much as he did.
The babysitter eventually came to the painful realization, however, that her boyfriend’s frequent professions of total commitment were being used like tools to manipulate her. Looking back over years of emotional and sometimes physical abuse, the young woman wished she had come to her realization earlier. Concluding her contribution to our discussion, the babysitter expressed admiration for the mother and father who had risked the daughter’s wrath rather than ignore the situation. The babysitter said she wished her family had been brave enough to do the same.
We were now almost at the end of the second day, and the daughter broke down and wept. Crying, the girl said she had reached her own point of realization about the boyfriend and the controlling nature of their relationship. The daughter said she could see how her situation in many ways paralleled the babysitter’s story and the warning signs we had discussed. The girl also admitted that many of the attributes describing a narcissistic personality were directly a applicable to the boyfriend.
It was at about this juncture that the doorbell rang. When the mother opened the door, she faced two local police officers. One policeman explained that the boyfriend had contacted them; because the daughter hadn’t contacted him for almost two days, he suspected that the girl was being held as a prisoner in her parents’ house. After talking with the daughter privately, the officers were satisfied that the girl wasn’t a prisoner; she was unharmed and safe.
One of them asked, “Is this like a cult deprogramming?” I responded that it was more like a family intervention. After a few more questions, the policeman assured the parents that no one would bother them again and that they would warn the boyfriend about making false reports to the police.
The next morning, when we resumed our discussion, I cited the incident with the police to make a point. The boyfriend was so controlling that he couldn’t allow the daughter to spend two uninterrupted days with her family, even though the occasion was to celebrate her mother’s birthday. Instead, he expected the daughter to check in with him constantly by texting him, calling in, or e-mailing him at multiple intervals throughout each day.
I asked the daughter whether his apparent expectation regarding constant ongoing contact seemed normal. Was this a reasonable routine or excessively controlling and manipulative? Was it a normal reaction to call the police after less than two days? Why had he sent the police to the family home? Did he really think her parents would hurt her?
We then moved on to discuss what has been called “brainwashing” but more specifically what can be seen as a synthesis of thought reform1130 or coercive persuasion techniques1131 a predatory group or person uses to gain undue influence.
We discussed the three most basic stages of coercive persuasion, according to MIT professor Edgar Schein. These include “unfreezing,” “changing,” and then “refreezing” a person after the desired mind-set has been achieved.1132
How had the daughter’s boyfriend unfrozen her?
Psychologist Margaret Singer calls the unfreezing phase of coercive persuasion “the destabil
izing of a person’s sense of self.”1133 How had the boyfriend destabilized the daughter? We discussed the laser-like intensity of their relationship—the seemingly endless talks they had and how much time the boyfriend had demanded. This aspect had been evident first at the vacation resort, later through their ongoing Internet calls, and ultimately through his demands that she drop out of school and move in with him.
I asked the daughter whether the boyfriend had used their prolonged talks as a means to change her life goals and alter her family values. She agreed that this constant conversation and communication were the impetus and catalyst for the changes that had taken place in her personal and academic life. Through these discourses the boyfriend had managed to alter the daughter’s direction in life, including her goals and individual values.
We then discussed in more detail how the boyfriend had persuaded her to drop out of school and move in with him in less than sixty days. Wasn’t that a sudden change? Had she previously considered making such dramatic changes in her life before meeting the boyfriend?
The girl’s parents said they became concerned not only because these changes were happening so fast but also because their daughter had given up her personal goals, friends, and family. It appeared that she had sacrificed everything in her life to satisfy the needs of the boyfriend.
I then pointed out how such rapid and singularly motivated change fit within the framework of coercive persuasion, as Singer suggested. Had the boyfriend manipulated the daughter to reinterpret her life? As Singer summarized, had she ultimately accepted “a new version of reality”?1134 How had the boyfriend impacted the historical relationships in her life? Did this explain why she had so suddenly changed her goals and family values?
How had the daughter changed from a loving family member, concerned about friends, to someone who barely communicated with anyone other than the boyfriend?
The daughter acknowledged that the rapid and radical changes in recent months had occurred as a direct result of the boyfriend’s persuasive power and growing influence.
At this juncture in the intervention, we began to examine the basic characteristics of thought reform, as psychiatrist Robert Jay Lifton outlined.1135 The single most basic and important element of thought reform, as Lifton defined, is “Milieu Control”—that is, control of the environment.
We now began to discuss how isolated the daughter had recently become. The parents commented about the apparent control of communication between them and their daughter in recent weeks. They said it had seemed like the boyfriend was now filtering everything. Was this pattern of control similar to Lifton’s Milieu Control? Could control over communication and growing isolation be the means to achieve such Milieu Control? I pointed out the research of sociologist Richard Ofshe, who stated that “the control of communication” can express milieu control.1136
At this point the parents offered specific examples of how increasingly impaired the communication with their daughter had been. At times they could hear the boyfriend coaching their daughter during a phone call. They said this was an abrupt change in their daughter’s behavior and caused them concern. The parents said that in the past the daughter had always been easy to talk to despite her many friends and busy schedule.
As we continued to discuss the eight criteria Lifton had cited to establish the existence of a thought-reform program, the daughter repeatedly saw parallels to the dynamics of her relationship and the behavior of the boyfriend. She also connected these features to the babysitter’s account of her experience from the day before.
By the end of the third day, the daughter announced that she had decided to end the relationship.
The local police who had previously visited the family home helped the daughter recover her personal belongings from her boyfriend’s apartment.
I later learned that the daughter had reenrolled at college and resumed her normal life again. Interestingly, she also became a knowledgeable resource for other young women on campus affected by, or struggling with, abusive and controlling relationships.
CHAPTER 20
GURU GROUP INTERVENTION
A husband concerned about his wife’s involvement in a yoga and meditation group retained me for an intervention. The couple had been married for more than ten years and had two small children. The wife had been involved in the group for approximately two years. A well-educated former executive, she had stopped working to raise the children as a stay-at-home parent.
The wife’s history serves as yet another example of the manipulative and often misleading recruitment practices of destructive cults. This account should likewise disabuse people regarding the myth that somehow only unintelligent or unsophisticated people are susceptible to cults.
Encouraged by a friend, the wife attended yoga classes at a local studio. Her motivation was simply physical fitness through what has become a popular form of regular exercise. She didn’t initially understand that this particular yoga studio was run by a guru and that most, if not all, of the yoga students were his devoted followers. Yoga is historically linked to Hindu ritual and sacramental hymns.1137 However, the overwhelming majority of those involved in yoga, as practiced in the United States, aren’t tied to either religious groups or destructive cults.
As the young mother began to practice yoga at the studio, she became increasingly aware of the guru’s philosophy and spiritual agenda. Members of this relatively small and close-knit group of devotees demonstrated extreme deference to the guru and seemed willing to do almost anything to serve or please him. The guru also maintained a retreat in Southeast Asia in addition to his facility in the United States.
As the wife’s involvement deepened and her level of commitment escalated, this devotion caused conflict and led to a marital rift. The wife increasingly neglected her children as she struggled to meet the demands the guru imposed on her through a heavy schedule of group activities. After several heated arguments about the conflict between family commitments and the yoga group, the couple separated. The wife moved out of the family home and rented an apartment in a building largely occupied by other group members.
After being retained, I began to coach the husband in coping strategies. Subsequently he stopped arguing with his wife about her involvement with the group and apologized for any angry outbursts that had previously occurred. He also began to carefully filter his ongoing communication, avoiding negative comments and criticism about his wife’s behavior, the yoga group, and its guru. As a direct result of using this strategy, after a few weeks the friction diminished, as did much of the tension; though still separated, the couple became increasingly friendly. Their level of communication greatly improved. Eventually the wife later even agreed to go on a family vacation.
After returning from the vacation, the husband requested that I facilitate an intervention as soon as possible. His wife had advised him during the trip that she would soon be moving from her apartment into group housing. The husband felt the timing was crucial to begin the intervention before his wife became embedded in the more controlled group environment. We also agreed that an intervention would be far more difficult after such a move due to increased group influence, control of communication, and the probability of more limited access.
I soon flew in to begin my preparation work. Upon my arrival I met with the husband and his wife’s family members, who were to be included in the intervention effort. This included both of the wife’s parents and her brother. I coached the family about what to say and what not to say regarding the boundaries of their participation. I encouraged the family to offer their firsthand observations about the group and the guru’s influence and to explain how this had caused them concern. But they were cautioned not to become needlessly argumentative, accusatory, or excessively confrontational.
We also discussed who had the most emotional pull, which could be used as leverage to keep the wife from ending the intervention and leaving. We discussed this in some detail and rehearsed how to handle such a situati
on. The woman’s parents agreed that they would both follow her out if she attempted to leave in an effort to convince her to return. The brother also understood that part of his role was to emphasize to his sister the importance of staying, listening, and participating in the discussion.
We reviewed the four main blocks of the intervention. Family members asked general questions about our schedule, breaks, food arrangements, and what to do throughout the intervening time in the evenings between each day of the intervention. The family understood that they must not discuss the group or any related topic while I was gone and should instead wait until my return the following day. This would be done to avoid any argument or conflict that could potentially end the intervention. Our preparation process took several hours on the day before the intervention began.
The plan we agreed on and set in place involved the husband’s requesting that his wife come to their home to watch the children while he attended a business meeting. But when she arrived at the house, her parents, brother, and I would all be waiting, and relatives at another location would actually be taking care of the children.
Upon her arrival the wife immediately recognized that she had walked into some type of family intervention. She reacted angrily and initially refused to participate, running back to the garage and waiting there to be driven back to her apartment. Her parents quickly followed her and, as I had coached them the day before, pleaded with her to return and talk things out. After about thirty minutes of heated discussion, she complied and returned.
At this point the husband introduced me as a professional he had hired to facilitate a meeting and provide expert consultation. The wife asked me numerous questions about my background, work experience, and the ultimate goal of our meeting. I answered each question directly and explained that the purpose of the intervention was to share meaningful information from various perspectives based on research. I also said that the reason this particular meeting had been planned as a surprise was to avoid any interference from her yoga group or guru. I added that the family had some serious concerns and that it would be reasonable to set aside adequate time to address those concerns and review the research material.
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