“Goddamn!” exulted Brian. His gaze spun from face to face. “That was amazing!”
A geyser of blood sprayed out from the puncture wound on the creature’s back, turning Nicole into a goopy drippy mess of dark red.
“That,” she declared, “is Prestige Gaming.”
***
All the high fives went to Nicole after the kill. Although he was awarded with 3 experience points for the successful defeat of the great beast, and had done the vast majority of the damage, he didn’t mind so much. Wizards weren’t supposed to get the accolades. It was also nice to be among the victors making lewd gestures in the dragon’s direction, air humping in victory dances and howling up at the setting sun.
They set up camp not long after, and roasted some ancient dragon meat over the open fire on a spit Robby the Robber prepared.
“That seemed a bit easy for a dragon, didn’t it?” Casino asked.
“That one was a juvenile,” Nicole responded. A quick Lore roll later (5 and 7), and Brian also had the stats on dragons. Each of the different breeds had different numbers, as did the age groups. From juvenile it went to young adult, then adult, and after that the wyrm, great wyrm and great ancient wrym just had bunches of question marks in place of stat blocks.
Brian took his place beside Nicole, who was employing the holy book of VIP Services to employ a healing effect on Casino Warriorish Princess, followed closely by Robby Robber.
“Where do you hail from, Princess?” he asked.
The two guys traded another look, then burst out laughing. Clearly they had no idea about the XPs to be gained by just staying in character. Given that it was 6 XP to a level up, he was going to try milking this for all it was worth. If he could level up on the first day, that would be perfect.
Casino didn’t seem to mind as much. She waved a dismissive hand at the two imbeciles and said, “We all three grew up around Chicago, but Taz stuck around while Curtis got a job in Phoenix. Really good pay, so he brought Taz down to live with us for a while, til he finds a job. They’re best friends.”
He grimaced. “Of course. What of Casino the Warriorish Princess?”
“Oh!” She laughed. “I don’t… I hadn’t really–”
“How about Moron the Wizened? Where you zeig heil from?”
This struck Brian in the guts. He stood, fists balled angrily, and in response Curtis/Cornholen raised his hands.
“Fuckin with you, bro. Ain’t that right, Robby Robber?”
Taz was pissing somewhere behind Brian. Still, he called back. “Gotta fuck with your bros, bro. It’s the bro way.”
Curtis shrugged. “I gave Robby Robber a purple pecker just last night. It’s what he gets for letting down his guard.”
“Purple pecker blows goats, bee tee dubs. Don’t let him close enough to get a hold of your junk!” Robby/Taz called. How could anyone contain that much urine?
The bro way sucked. Still, maybe this was his trial by fire, his initiation to the ways of bro-dom. He didn’t care as much about being accepted as he did about having them follow his lead, or keeping Nicole interested. If the experience points he’d gotten thus far were any indication, he was going to be swimming in levels soon enough.
Tough it out, be a bro, he told himself.
“So what do you do when you’re not teleporting and dropping meteors on a dragon?” Casino finally asked.
Brian told them the story of asshole Brett Musky, and the firm, but edited out most of the details about the briefcase, the documents or Musky’s downfall. Instead he told them he’d invested wisely, and decided to leave Musky to eat his dust. It wasn’t exactly a lie.
“So wait,” Taz said, suddenly beside him. Goddamn that Resourcefulness roll (a 2 this time), it’d definitely be the first thing he increased once he leveled. “You got this… sidekick here… and she’s all VIP Services and shit. What’s that all about? You a big spender, is that what that means?”
What he wouldn’t give for a couple of people to play in freaking character. They didn’t– No. He wasn’t going to go down the same road as the other games he’d played. He’d learned his lesson and promised not to get kicked out of any more guilds because of his intensity.
“Correct,” he replied. “She’ll be with me for the next few weeks to help me level, get used to the game system–”
“–take a spin through other gameworlds if he likes,” Nicole supplied. “Choose the best Gear options, level quicker, all that good stuff.”
“Keep him company?” Taz suggested, with a waggled eyebrow.
Brian felt a hot flush creep over his face.
“Bro, we don’t embarrass the ladies,” Cornholen said, before she could reply. Was it Brian’s imagination in the deepening twilight, or had the bro winked at him? Or had he winked at Nicole?
They munched on the dragon meat, which tasted exactly like medium rare steak, and Nicole came up with a Basket of Plenty, which doled out freshly baked buttery rolls, steamed asparagus, baked potatoes loaded with bacon, sour cream, and chives, and then cheesecake with a sweet blueberry coulis sauce for dessert. They cracked open the wine cask and each had a couple tankards full before the conversation hit a lull, and Brian found himself just staring at the campfire.
Nicole edged up toward where he was sitting on a fallen tree trunk. “You having fun yet?” She caught his bemused expression, then cleared her throat. “How is the learned one faring thus far? Has the challenge met milord’s expectations?”
“Fair Nicole,” he said, “this experience has far outdone my wildest dreams, for the challenge, the surroundings, and most of all, the company.”
He hoped the twinkle in her eye wasn’t his imagination.
It wasn’t long before he declared, exhausted, the intent to turn in, but not before they set the night’s watch. Taz announced that they’d open the cask of beer, which was probably going to be endless based on the fact that they were in a theme park, and Curtis belched loudly before sleep swallowed Brian.
***
He awakened to learn he’d leveled up. He’d also failed another Resourcefulness roll. The second, competing thing that struck him was the call of “Bro! Get up! We’re under attack!”
He scrambled up out of his very comfy sleeping roll, found his bootlaces tied together at exactly the wrong moment, and suffered a case of failing an Athletics roll, with a pair of 2’s. Instead of realizing what was going on and calmly handling it, he sprang up, jerked about two feet away from the fire, and landed face first in a puddle composed entirely of Robby Robber’s piss.
Nicole stood beside him, zweihander raised and reaching halfway to the sky. She was frantically searching the darkness, no doubt confused by the lack of any danger based on her dice rolls. Brian pulled himself and his sodden robes up out of the puddle. He sputtered and stared down at the state of his robes, then threw them off to get a read on his tunic and breeches. One spell point and roll later, the tied-together bootlaces shattered in a frigid burst of air.
He was going to kill them.
He growled, and as he did so his entire body began to glow with magic power. He whirled to find Robby Robbers and Conrholen bent over, hands on knees, bellowing laughter to the sky, and soon Robby was clutching his sides, jiggling silently until he fell over. That set Cornholen off, who roared laughter before falling on his butt and kicking his feet out. Even Casino, who appeared puzzled in the embers of the night’s fire, broke into a scarred grin.
“This is piss!” he shouted. Arcane light now surrounded him, swirling with motes of blue and orange and pink and red, coalescing into a miasma the size of his entire body. A number of attack spells popped up as the game read his body language and intent.
“Hoo!” Robby said, or tried to say.
“You assholes got any last words?” In the moment, it had escaped him that he couldn’t really kill them. They wouldn’t actually be harmed in any meaningful way. He was going to shoot them dead with lightning from the heavens, or from his fingertips, or both at t
he same goddamn time.
“Yo… hold up… bro!” Curtis Cornholen wheezed.
“…the fuck… man?” Robby likewise wheezed.
Brian’s hands fell into his lap and the magic faded.
“Dude, fuckin’ with… you,” Cornholen said.
“It’s not like you’re… even… gonna do anything with that spell, dude,” Robby reminded him. “What, kill me? I’ll just respawn.”
Yeah. Just messing with him. That’s all this was. Tying someone’s boot laces together and making them trip, that was the oldest trick in the book. They were buddying up to him. With a puddle full of piss.
He didn’t like this, but noted the expression on Nicole’s face. The shock softened as he deflated, and instead sought out his grimoire for a purification spell. He’d only recovered 2 of his 6 missing Spell Points, which was a bit of an annoyance, but he’d make do. He settled before the embers of the fire and cast the spell. He was forced to choose between Survival, FInesse, or Medicine, all of which he lacked, but he chose one anyway.
And, after 4 failed attempts, two gained Plot Points, and a ton of frustration, he finally wiped away the impurities, and more importantly the smell, with a roll of 8 and 9.
Chapter 6- Farting in the Face of Danger
The sun rose cheerfully to the chirps of birds being chased by larger and more predatory falcons. Brian marveled at their speed as he watched them pluck one and then another from the sky, leaving behind puffs of feathers. He took a deep breath and let it out.
Today was going to be a good day.
In his hand was Ye Olde Decanturre of Endless Brewed Capheiyne and man was it good stuff. Not too hot, not too cold, just constantly there and just right. Too many letters, but just perfect for the job. Yeah it’s a little meta to have hot coffee from a machine in the forest on a medieval adventure, but fuck it, I’m a VIP.
He heard the rustle of someone getting out of the bedroll, and he turned to see Robby the Robber, buttnaked, stumbling over to the woodline. His face was haggard and his eyes practically closed.
“You have a good sleep?” Brian called out. Taz waved a hand, then let out a long and large groan as he pissed on a tree.
Another fellow arose. “Gross, Taz,” Paige called. The man turned around and started peeing in the other direction, giving her a full frontal.
“You never told us you were a eunuch!” Nicole called cheerfully, rising up with the rest. The look on Taz’s face made it clear that he didn’t understand what she’d said. Brian chuckled and slapped her a high five.
“So what’s the plan?” Brian asked. Taz frog-legged back over, his Robby avatar giving them all a lascivious wink.
“We have to get moving again soon. I want to make it to the temple before dark,” Nicole announced.“
“Curtis is still sleeping though!” Paige/Casino said. She looked down at the man with a smile. A smile that turned quickly to a frown.
“No, Taz, don’t you dare–”
Braaap! The smell of a night of booze and food wafted through the air. Brian peeked over in surprise– Taz had sat down on the man’s face with his bare ass and let it rip. Underneath him the wide-eyed visage of Cornholen gleamed in panic. His monk’s robes fluttered as he struggled to get the naked thief off of his face.
“Not yet bro,” Robby informed Cornholen. “I’ve still got one rattling around in the chamber. I’m gonna fart so hard it's going to go through your nose and out your mouth.”
Brian stared, his mouth to the floor, waiting for Cornholen to freak out and start punching. But instead Robby bounded back up to his feet and started laughing. Cornholen joined a few moments later.
“Oh man, you got me so good!”
“Best one yet bro! Sleep with one eye open when Robby Six Fingers is about. Pow pow!” he said, accentuating the words pow with punches to the air. “Unstoppable!” he sang. Paige giggled and threw him a pair of trousers. Even Nicole smiled a bit. Brian didn’t know why, but seeing that hurt a little.
“We need to get moving guys. There’s a temple to raid– wait a second, you never told us what this quest is, Nicole. Are we exploring a ruined temple, sacking an existing one? What are we doing exactly?”
“Well the quest is called “The Chronicles of Lion Jesus”. It’s a basic find the artifact type. We go find the temple, go inside, find the missing chronicle– here let me see, okay, yes, the missing tome is named “Lion Jesus, Your Mom, and a Filthy Closet”. He looked back and saw Taz and Curtis laughing their asses off.
“Did those guys have a hand in naming it?”
Nicole laughed. “Yeah last night before I hit the sack, I showed them how to use the tailor a quest option that is available, for a fee, to all park guests. You name it and select the type of quest, the structure, and, well, a million other variables.”
“Okay, yeah, the names are iffy but the rest sounds great. Alright, is everyone ready?”
The rest of the party selected the option Pick up Camp in their HUDs and their gear zipped, rushed, and plocked itself into their various rucksacks.
“Yeah bro. Whole, swoll and ready to roll.”
“Alright, let’s do this.”
***
Nicole took the lead and the others took guarded positions behind her, with Brian directly behind the diminutive tank, and the three laugh riots in the rear. As much as he wanted neither of the guys on his six, he wanted them directly behind Nicole eve less.. They followed the path, then cut off about midday as Nicole lead them through a shortcut into the Grateforestria Forest. The light slowly faded to a dark and eternal twilight and the thick branches of oak, redwood, and other massive trees interwoven with one another to create a banket of green above. Here and there little gaps glowed bright on the thick leaf-strewn floor, often highlighting a single fern or two struggling to survive.
As they clattered on, Brian thought about Taz and Curtis. He didn’t want to, and he struggled to keep his mind from their antics, but kept coming back to them. That fart thing, the piss thing from the night before, the hard drinking and lewd motions were not in his wheelhouse. He’d been straight all his life, given that his uncle got killed in a drunken hit and run when he was in middle school, and, well, given that he’d never had many friends, this joking around was incredibly uncomfortable. It was like he was surrounded by two and a half new Muskyteers. The jury was out on Paige.
He wasn’t supposed to be tired on his new retirement extravaganza, yet here he was down to 8 Spell Points, hopped up on coffee and still felt the red rims circling his eyes.
Still, the scenery helped. They climbed a low hill and went to take a break in a small clearing, and were set upon by a bunch of snarling carnivores. Eventually fought off the toothy mammalian things he identified as ruggles, and he saved his SP and let Nicole do most of the hack and slash. He found his Skirmish up to the task of dispatching bitey six-legged red and yellow striped fox things.
He gained another XP, which let him know he’d leveled up. And would he like to level up now?
“No,” he breathed. It felt prudent to wait and level up at the exact right moment.
Now bathed in sweat and spattered with blood, he flagged. His body wasn’t used to this level of activity (while clearly Nicole’s was… lord did she ever shine with inner and outer beauty) but he pushed on rather than be on the butt end of any further razzing by Taz or Curtis.
“I could do with another few beers,” Cornholen said. “What do you say, Loremar the Leaning One?”
“It’s Mo… forget about it. Yeah, stop and have whatever you want.”
He plopped on his butt, grabbed out his canteen, and took a great swig. He had a full-on gulp before he realized it didn’t taste like water. Robby Robber and Cornholen were already slapping each other on the back and laughing.
“Bro you just drank one fifty-one!” Curtis cackled.
“That shit is as close to rubbing alcohol as it gets!”
Brian sputtered and coughed, and felt fire erupt all down his chest
into his belly. His mouth tasted awful. He hacked several times, even despite his efforts to stop, and only ended up having Taz and Curtis laugh at him all the more.
“That’s my girl, Casino the Warriorish Princess! Boss idea.”
They high fived Casino, who was laughing and pointing at his bulging eyes.
The alcohol wreathed his mind in a calm he hadn’t known before. He would kill them. And then, if they respawned, he would find them and kill them again. After all, he would have to be the alpha, and being the alpha meant getting even rather than getting angry. But he would kill them.
The entrance to the cave was covered with hanging vines that Nicole hacked down with extreme prejudice. All three of these twerps turned to him and lifted their unlit torches, and he sighed.
Down to 7 SP.
“Fine.” he held up a hand and produced fire, and lit their torches. Nicole, meanwhile, had a glowing sword and was venturing inside already. He felt kind of dizzy, and the alcohol had coated his mouth with a sheen of filthy, rancid taste that he did not enjoy even a little.
The cave, thankfully, was high ceilinged enough to let them stand up tall, and wide enough that two of them could walk abreast with weapons raised. Again he was left in the unenviable position of being behind Nicole (great) and in front of the idiot twins (not great). Eventually the tunnel darkened, and sloped downward. Nicole soon arrived at an unnatural bend, where it appeared the stone had been hollowed out.
As soon as she rounded the corner, rolls started wildly happening all in his HUD. The situation went from Controlled to Risky the next moment, and he succeeded a Resourcefulness roll with a 7. He had time to duck behind Nicole’s shield, while the other two idiots didn’t.
They were faced with an organized defense of lizardkin, with three bipedal iguanas huddled behind tall shields, a makeshift barricade behind them, and a line of archers beyond. Arrows spanged off Nicole’s shield and went whizzing past his face, while the three amigos screamed and took damage and backed around the corner out of the line of fire.
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