Brian said nothing to this. He’d had ideas, like Steampunk or a Galaxies of Myth and Magic style setting, but he’d already come close. He was at Access Level 3, and just paid the hefty sum of 10 Credits to do so. The next level would mean the ability to up his Spell Points to the max of 64, and getting his hands on one of the Mythical items. He wasn’t about to back out now.
He shook his head.
“What now?”
“Nevermind. I don’t feel like explaining. The point is this– I want to play the game and live the game and breathe the game, immersively, right after I get myself powerful enough to enforce a few rules around here.”
Georgio laughed, signaled the waitress, and shot him a sidelong glance. “That sounds like an admirable goal, Brian Morecock. King Poomba of a whole entire Prestige Gaming Genre. Whatever people accuse you of, they can’t accuse you of a lack of ambition. So, those items, they will make you king of Slightly Left of Center Earth?”
Brian paused to ogle the elf maid as she poured Georgio another mug of tea, then he pushed his own forward and they clinked in the middle. “You bet your ass they will,” he grinned.
***
Brian retired to his room after the morning meeting. Georgio was a useful guy– a sort of Prestige Gaming black market informant who helped guest metagame for cool wads of real life cash. It’d taken a bit of finagling to get his name and a meeting, but Nicole was a bit creeped out after the incident and things had been kind of cold between them as he took her to the hardest quests he could, using her to tank local bosses as he tried out this new magic or that. In the end he’d let Nicole go early in exchange for the set up. They’d first met in a dingy alleyway in Franjy Ponny where the man was brief and to the point. Their relationship though had grown to trust as the money flowed and no suspicious department heads came a-snooping.
And he experimented with all of the basic elements of magic, then rolled on through with psionic blasts and purple black nether magic, the sort that made your ball hairs shrivel.
And, with that in mind, he came to the realization that somewhere within this came there had to be a loophole– something that he could mix, match and exploit over and over again to overcome any challenges that reared to face him. Hell, maybe he could even tweak numbers and actions with magic items themselves sometime in the future. He read over the list, eager and confident. Wand of Mystical Arrows– 3 charges, with each charge add an extra die to ranged attack. Stave of the Undead– raise undead companions from the corpses of slain enemies. Raise and command as many as is equal to your level. Bracers of Retaliation– on melee attack the system rolls percentiles. On a 51 or more, damage is reflected onto the attacker. There was a Ring of Summonation– Summon any beast of your choice of equal or lower level, and the Supple Orb of Boobsight– that one just tapped into YouStreamIt triple X, but in a medieval world without internet it was a hell of a treasure. It was a tremendous list, but the quest notations were rough.
He lay back against the soft quilt of his four poster bed and let out a tremendous sigh. He kinda thought when he came here with his oodles of money that it’d all be a lot easier than it was. He peeked at the first one on the list again, the Wand of Mystical Arrows, and imagined what it might look like if he could exploit it. Critical Success pretty much every shot. He’d be a fucking howitzer on the battlefield and he wouldn’t need a VIP hostess or some dumbass gym bros to cover his flanks either.
His hands shook and he grinned. That’d be cool, but really Stave of the Undead should come first. He could make his own party of adventurers from the shit stains he killed in battle! He stood back up and took in the palatial surroundings of his lordship suite at the best inn in the richest city in Slightly Left of Center Earth. He winked at a naked angel baby, grabbed a stone boob from a fetching young white marble nymph, and smacked the ass of some ebony Hercules who battled enemies in bas-relief within the entrance foyer.
Be the Alpha.
Swinging open the door to an afternoon clouded over and reeking of future rain, he saluted his residence and then strode off. It was time to start seriously leveling up.
***
Tandy and Christina popped their heads in on Nicole. Tandy was this impossibly tall dark-skinned beauty with, somehow, blue eyes and light brown hair. Christina was practically the opposite: pale to the extreme, compact and muscular, with dark eyes and platinum blonde hair. Both rotated in and out of VIP Services if they had someone make requests… a creepy but super necessary bit of the game ambiance nobody seemed to enjoy, unless you took the paychecks and perks into account. The pay, the food, the free on-campus living arrangements, the free shuttle service to and from Albuquerque on days off were all nice. It was the skeevy dudes on their team-building business getaways that drained the fun out of things.
Tandy and Chris were in both their training suits, with workout duffels slung over their shoulders.
She was plopped on her dorm bed in just some underwear. Whoops.
“Hey, girl!” Tandy said.
“Hey, hot stuff,” Nicole replied.
“We saving you a place in the spinning class?”
“Uhhhh… about that.”
Christina piped up. “You’ve been in-game. You know all the food there is super rich.”
Yeah. She’d been eating really hearty. Then again, she’d been hefting a heavy shield and swinging that ginormous frigging sword. She actually ached a lot more than normal. The typical guest was in ALZ0 at least three days, just bathing in the sights, the smells, the ambiance, the plush hotel stays, the unlimited banquets… and of course, the free sex.
But not Brian.
“Oh shit,” Tandy said. “Yeah, how was it? Swords & Sorcerers? Was it your first time?”
“Yeah.”
“Tight?”
“The tightest.” She gestured toward Chris with her head. “Tighter than this hottie here.”
Tandy turned and gave Chris a once over, then smirked. “So, tight as it gets.”
All three shared a laugh.
Tandy did the same head gesture toward the hall. “Tell us all about it… come on, they’ll hold up spinning if we’re only a couple minutes late.”
This was true enough. “Alright. Gimme a minute.”
She started telling the story as she changed, whipping off the underwear and getting into her leggings and halter in record time, mostly about Brian and his seriousness, about the three idiots and their stupid pranky fun, and then about how it had gone sideways. She glanced at the monitor perched next to her bed as she slipped a few odds and ends into her workout bag.
“Damn…”
“What’s up?” Chris asked.
“He’s at it again… going after his first Masterpiece, solo. Not even two weeks in.”
“Ooh,” Tandy said, and plopped down on her bed. “Somebody got a crush? Yep, a beard. I know how she goes after the beardy ones.”
Chris laughed. Nicole actually did like the beardy ones, but had thought it was a well-guarded guilty pleasure of a secret. Hopefully it was just a good guess.
Tandy squinted and got a closer look at Brian entering a portal and popping out in the midst of a forest thick with giant spiders. “Was he good, or just like most of the limp dicks who come in here? I can’t tell what he really looks like.” She brought up his guest registration file, and grimaced. Nicole wasn’t bothered… so many of the handsome guys turned out to be dickbags. Of course, Brian could’ve easily swung the other way and turned out to be an entitled mouth-breathing neckbeard incel. She’d lucked out, actually.
“He didn’t. I mean…” She shifted uncomfortably. Brian had been pretty great. Comparatively speaking. “He was a complete gentleman, until he went off the rails.”
“Oh yeah?”
“KO’d a couple of other guests.”
Chris laughed again.
“I think he thought I was into one of the other party members, this oily trust fund kid… but they were kind of dicks. Funny dicks. It’s kind of complicat
ed.”
“Well hey, if you wanna stalk your boy here, we won’t stop you. But you know we gotta spin. The rule of the spinning… the world spins on without you, then every calorie goes to your thighs.”
Chris gave off a low whistle. “He just took out an entire spider nest with one flame wall.”
“That,” Nicole said, “is the power of long-held anger. And minmaxing.”
The three of them stood watching Brian go for a good minute. He had his spellbook constantly at the ready, hovering beside him as he tore through enemy after enemy and obstacle after obstacle.
After a long lull, Tandy finally relented. “All right, fine. There’s another spin class at nine. Chris, go grab some popcorn from the cafe.”
***
Two hours, five orcs, and an entire field of cattle later, he kicked down the rickety wooden door to the first of his quests. The Ruins of Cashmere, Georgio’s paper proclaimed. Brian frowned. When I’m king of this place, there are going to be some serious proclamations in regard to what people can name stuff. He thought back to the Musky Three and scowled. Character names as well.
The first room opened up, a torch blazing in a sconce at the entrance. Sigh, why the hell would there be lit torches leading the way? He stared about suspiciously, then shrugged and pushed forward.
The place was creepy. And the design was atrocious. The architect of this level had essentially made an empty hut with a stairway down. Once down the stairs, it just circled again and again, lower and lower, with an encounter every full circle. If he weren’t planning on exploits and shenanigans of his own, he might well report the quest for its sheer laziness.
Circle, blast a giant spider with fire. Circle, set an ogre’s pubic hair on fire. His fault for standing guard butt-ass naked in the depths of a dungeon.
Level up! His HUD announced. He paused and grimaced. His heart was pounding and his palms were sweaty. He wanted to keep moving– he felt alive and ready to kick some ass. He sighed and clicked on Level Up!
A list of his rewards cascaded down the HUD, and for once he didn’t mind the level of cheerfulness.
● Your Spell Points have been refilled!
● You’ve been completely healed!
● Your position has been moved from Risky to Controlled!
● You have been gifted 1 Plot Point!
● Your armor has been restored!
● Your account has been given 2 Credits! Indicate now if you’d like to place them in your Stash, or hang onto them. You may place them in your Stash at any time.
● You have gained 1 Skill Point! Tap to choose and allocate.
Wait a minute! He slapped his forehead and winced. I’ve been so stupid! I can save up every single one of these level ups and skill points and apply them later when I really need them! The level-ups are like insta-heals. If I get enough of them I could be practically invincible.
He rounded yet another bend - and found himself staring at the end of the dungeon. A subterranean lake lay placid within this earthen basement. He couldn’t see if it was manmade or natural. He opted for the former.
Brian imagined himself able to peer into the depths. A 7 and an 8 rolled by, and he saw the shimmery image of a giant piranha. He grabbed his soft and sexy beard– god it was so awesome– and he brought up his inventory in his HUD, selecting a bit of dry meat. It popped into a pocket within his robes. He pulled it out and tossed it into the pond.
Line cast, he thought. He imagined snow and ice, his fingers tingled with frost.
The piranha rolled about then soared upward. It went kaplooch as it broke the surface, sucking down the bit of food as it leapt. Plop it sounded as it hit a suddenly iced over surface, Brian spraying it over with arctic chill. It flopped and gasped. Brian watched it and smiled. This was too easy.
And it was, right up until it sprouted legs and blasted him over with flame. The ice sizzled and broke into floes. He dove up the steps, and felt the blasts just singe his robes as a 6 popped by on his HUD. Goddamn!
Brian glared at the fish monster and blasted it with a ball of force. It banged off of the earthen confines of the cellar and he heard its spine crack. Booyah!
A glug came from the center of the basement and the water swirled, a whirlpool that frothed and sucked, chugging and spraying mist. Brian thought of the shape of the dungeon above and it made him furious. It was designed to be a whirlpool. Symbolic or foreshadowing or whatever. I hate English majors so much, he thought.
He set aside the anger for later, though, as the upper ridges of a large master chest took form, its golden shining lock unclicking and falling to the ground as he approached. He kicked it and it popped open, revealing a long obsidian stave topped by a large blood red gem that pulsed and shivered in its sconce. Brian reached within and laughed. Over and over, dark and deep. Now he was a necromancer.
Chapter 8- Yadda Yadda, Psychic Vampire
One quest down and more to go, with 12 spell points to spare, Brian rolled up a teleport spell (a 10 and a 4) and headed out for the next. The Supple Orb of Boobsight first, he thought, starting to walk side-saddle due to the growing… irritation in his pants. He’d be damned if he couldn’t get a good hard wank in to the sight of Catty Charlie’s golden globes by the end of the night. And I’ll need to get at least one more major quest item before the day’s end. It’ll be hard to do without any idiot PCs or NPCs to serve as meatshields.
He paused and pondered. You know what? Even if some adventurers had been game to come along they’d just do stupid shit and slow me down. To hell with them. I can hack this on my own.
The landscape surrounding Kapi Tal quickly devolved from emerald pastoral wonderland into the types of things that would scare your nightmares. North of the city, treacherous mountains rose like the fringe on the back of a dragon, while westward lowered toward the lowlands, and became an impenetrable drudge of fetid swamplands. He’d just finished there, which meant near-constant Will checks to avoid the miasma of the sun being blocked out by overly aggressive foliage, hideous clouds of gnats and other creepy crawlies, and then the trolls or reptiles. Either they were dire crocs, or wingless dragons, and he’d bet on the latter. They spat acid, which was a serious problem mostly for his clothes. To the south the landscape first became a series of craggy badlands inhabited mostly by elementals upset that you were on their land, and even more upset when you used magic to lift them into the air and break them apart when they lost the connection to the earth. But they were never upset for long.
Beneath the mountain chain in the north that had the unfortunate title of The Hag’s Teets, he found the first entrance to the Underworld. The kind with the capital U, with hellhounds and unspeakable horrors that mostly consisted of faceless mouths, drooping testicles, or drippy tentacles.
Inside, the game builders pulled out all the stops when it came to making the experience unpleasant: sulfur and brimstone mixing with the fouler stench of rot and fungal spore all up in his face, waves of late August New Mexican heat, and practically every third step the terrain attempted to cause you to turn an ankle. Asshole terrain, in other words.
Here the mushrooms took the place of New Mexico’s scrubland or trees, towering sometimes twenty feet on thick, rubbery trunks with fringes beneath capable of hiding things that could kill a Brian-sized person.
As soon as he flame-killed his first random encounter creature, a hideous harpy, he reanimated her just for the company. With her wrinkled feature and large warty nose he kinda thought she’d feel like grandma. But it wasn’t pleasant company, what with her being a hairless crone head above a vulture’s feathery collar and a scorched-rotisserie chicken-like body whose overdone skin sagged under enormous, sagging breasts. He’d take what he could get.
“Casino… stupid name. Still, the least stupid. Valedictorian of Summer School. I don’t really get why she wasn’t into the idea of power leveling. And I really don’t get Nicole… why she glommed onto those three asshats.”
He regarded the reanimated har
py trailing less and less blood as time went on.
“Does that make a lick of sense to you?”
The zombie harpy said nothing.
Well, the ultimate knowledge he sought was just up ahead. Brian retrieved the documents that Georgio had given him from the dimensional pocket he had set up, and checked them over. He vowed to stop relying on the HUD all together at some point and just live in the world here. No game, no leveling, no worries, only quests and bosses and magical treasures. Several thick parchment pages had information he sought.
PonyHub- Artifact Quest Level 3
Difficulty- Dangerous
Reward- The Supple Orb of Boobsight
Unlock Master Quest- Mythical artifact, Darien’s Transmogrifier
He traced his finger under the words as he read the quest background. Yadda yadda– psychic vampire, name Pete Northman, high-level danger, if spared he will give up the location of the greatest artifact in the system. This opens up the Mythical quest campaign arc, and leads to the acquisition, Darien’s Transmogrifier.
The name sucks and I have no idea what this thing is or does… but I look forward to finding out. And to have a chance at renaming it as well.
A shadow passed over Brian, startling him. Then something swooped in from above, but his improved Resourcefulness roll gave him adequate warning (4 and 8), and he had a blinding bolt ready for it (a Skirmish of 9, 2, and 2). Still, he didn’t have time to call his harpy servant to aid him, and instead was picked bodily up off the ground and carried through the smoking, stinking darkness to its nest.
Fine. Fine! He shouted nonsensically in fury at the thing, a three-headed mutant pterodactyl was as close as his brain could come up with. At least they had fun creatures here. He pulled up his spell choices on the HUD, and got ready to Wreck the pterodactyl.
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