He stepped toward me and then stopped himself, tucking his thumbs in his pockets.
“It’s about love, Beckett.”
“And I love your kids. No supposed to be about it.”
The intensity in his voice, his eyes, hit me smack in the heart. “They love you, too,” I admitted. So do I. Which was why I couldn’t agree to this. It would destroy them when it ended. Signing myself up for the hurt was one thing, but my kids? That was where I drew the line.
His whole posture softened, like my words had taken some of the fight out of him.
“I don’t want to do anything that would jeopardize them, or you. I’m just saying that if they were mine, legally, or half mine, Maisie could get the treatment she needs. This could save her life.”
That spark of hope flared, shining too much light on everything the kids and I had been through. All the sleepless nights. All the medical bills that piled up on my desk, threatening to bankrupt us. The overwhelming knowledge that if she didn’t have the MIBG treatment, she most likely wouldn’t live.
But what happened to her once Beckett was done playing house?
“I don’t know you nearly well enough for this—not in the ways that matter.”
His eyes flared with pain, and those defenses went back up. “You know me well enough to have given me decision-making rights for Maisie, right?”
“That was for a few hours so I could go to Colt’s graduation, and only for the worst-case scenario!”
“Reality check, Ella. Your entire life right now is a worst-case scenario.”
Ouch.
“Yeah, well you said it yourself: you’ve never been in a relationship that lasted more than a month. You weren’t even willing to kiss me because you said you’d screw it up and that would hurt Colt and Maisie.”
The anger vanished from his face instantly and was replaced with an overwhelming sadness. “You don’t trust me.”
My heart wanted to. My heart screamed that he would do anything for the kids. My head, on the other hand, wasn’t backing down from his own declaration that it wouldn’t last.
“I thought I knew Jeff. I loved him. I gave him everything, and the minute that everything turned into the twins, he walked. I never dated again. Not once. I swore that I’d never put my kids in a position to let someone walk out on them again.”
“I would never walk away from them, or you. I will always show up, Ella.”
“Don’t you dare lie to me. The men in my life have a habit of promising with one hand and packing with the other.”
“It wasn’t a lie the first time I said it, and nothing’s changed. It’s a vow.”
“That was for soccer! Not marriage! You can’t stand there and promise me always when two weeks ago you weren’t even open to the possibility of a relationship.”
“It’s just on paper, Ella!”
“It’s not! The way you’re proposing that I depend on you—that my kids depend on you—is not on paper. That’s very real. What if you walk away while she’s mid-treatment? They’d stop it! How is that any better than me struggling right now to find the money? If anything it would be more damaging, because at least I know what I’m up against right now. Do you know what a long haul this is? Even if she beats it, the relapse rate… You don’t understand the long-term implications of what you’re offering, as well-intentioned as it may be.” And it was; it was the most heartfelt, genuine offer I’d ever received. But life had taught me long ago that intentions were worth nothing.
“All I can give you is my word, and the promise that no matter what happens to me, they’d be covered. Maisie would live.”
“You don’t know that, either.” My biggest fear slipped out as if it were nothing, but I should be used to it by now with this man. He had a way of stripping away my defenses, leaving me open to the elements. But I didn’t know how to trust the appearance of sunshine after living in a perpetual hurricane. Not when there was the overwhelming possibility that he was simply the eye of the storm.
“I don’t,” he admitted. “But when she asked if she was going to die, I promised her that it wasn’t going to happen on my watch, and this is the only way I can think of to keep that promise.”
Ice ran through my veins, chilling me from the heart outward.
“My daughter asked you if she’s going to die?”
“Yeah, when we were in Montrose—”
“And you’re just now telling me this?” I stalked forward until I was only a breath away from him, glaring up at his stupid, perfect face.
“Yeah, I guess.”
“And you promised her that she wasn’t going to die?”
“What else would you have wanted me to say, Ella? That she has a 10 percent chance of living until November? That’s only five months from now!” He had the nerve to look like I was the one who was nuts.
“I’m well aware!” My voice pitched breakingly high. “You don’t think I keep a mental countdown in my head? That I’m not excruciatingly aware of every day with her? How dare you tell her that she won’t die. You have no right to make that kind of promise to her.”
“To her, or to you?” he asked softly. “She’s a child who needs to be reassured, told how strong she is, that this fight is far from over, and yes, I realize how long this will take. I’m not about to tell her she’s a few months away from defeat.”
“You shouldn’t have made that promise,” I reiterated. “I don’t lie to my kids, and you can’t, either. This war she’s fighting is overwhelming. It’s David versus Goliath.”
“Right, and you’ve armed her with a slingshot and sent her against the giant. I’m telling you that I have a damn tank, and you won’t use it! Are you really going to watch her die because you won’t gamble that I’m a decent guy? What do you want? Character references? A lie detector? Put me through anything you want, just let me save her!”
He swore, and that alone pulled me out of my anger enough to listen to the rest of what he was saying.
“You swore. I don’t think I’ve ever heard you swear before.”
He walked past me, running his hands over his hair until they clasped behind his neck. Once half the porch was between us, he turned around. “You have my most sincere apology for that. I haven’t said a word like that aloud for over ten years. But the rest? I won’t apologize for that. You can think I’m crazy all you want. I get it. You’re scared of her dying and scared of what kind of guy she’s chained to as a dad if she lives, even if it’s only on paper.”
“Yes and no.”
“Which one?”
“I’m not scared of her being chained to you,” I admitted softly. “I know you’d do anything for them. I see it in the way you take care of them, the way they trust you.”
“But you won’t trust me to stay.”
How long could Ryan’s letter possibly keep him here? Was he so honor-driven by that letter that he would sacrifice himself with a marriage? Could I trust that honor to keep him around long enough to save Maisie? This was all such a screwed-up tangle of a mess.
“I don’t trust anyone to stay, and you’ve already warned me that I shouldn’t. That you’ll eventually walk out.”
“Oh no. You don’t get to use my words against me unless you get them right. I said you wouldn’t let me stay—that you’d push me out. But it looks like you don’t even need me to mess things up before you start shoving. Do you do that to everyone who gets close to you? Or am I just lucky?”
I ignored the truth of his jab, refusing to look in the metaphorical mirror he’d held up to my face.
“You know what? None of this matters. Not when it’s a giant lie. We’d be committing fraud, Beckett. A fake piece of paper about a nonexistent relationship, and if we were caught… I’m not putting the kids through that.”
His jaw set in a tense line, and he gave me a singular nod before turning and
walking down the steps.
Havoc immediately abandoned me to follow him, tiny traitor that she was.
He turned at the bottom of the steps. “Are you really saying that you’re not willing to bend your morals in order to save your daughter’s life? To give me some of that precious trust that you keep locked up tighter than Fort Knox?”
I felt the verbal blow all the way to my toes. Was that really what I was doing? Choosing my own morals, my own trust issues over Maisie’s life? Was I so jaded that I couldn’t believe? Couldn’t hope when my own brother had vouched for him?
Ryan.
“You want me to trust you?” My voice softened.
“I do.”
“Okay. Tell me how Ryan died.”
The color drained from his face. “That’s not fair.”
A piece of that warm, fuzzy hope burned up in my chest.
“Don’t make me lie to you,” he begged…or threatened. I couldn’t tell.
I stood silently, waiting for him to say something different—to give me some of the trust he was asking for. To put himself in a position of vulnerability. But the longer we stared at each other, the more rigid his posture became, until he was once again the hardened soldier I met on his first day at Solitude.
I felt a sorrowful sense of loss, as if something rare and precious had disappeared before its value could even be realized.
“Have a nice night, Ella. I’ll pick up Colt tomorrow for practice at ten.”
“What? Soccer practice?” Like the fight we’d had was something normal and could be glossed over. Like we hadn’t just shoved a stick of dynamite between us and lit the fuse.
“Yep. Soccer. Because I show up. That’s what I do. When I make someone a promise I follow through, and that goes double for your kids. And, since you apparently won’t take my word for it, I’m just going to have to show you over and over again.”
He opened the door, and Havoc jumped into the truck. Then he climbed in and left me standing on the front porch with my mouth hanging open, trying to figure out what the hell had just happened.
…
“Well?” I asked Ada as I crammed another peanut butter cookie in my mouth. Colt and Maisie were asleep in our cabin, and Hailey was keeping watch while I reverted back to my childhood and spilled my guts to Ada.
“What do you want me to say?” she asked, taking another tray out of the commercial oven and setting it to cool.
“Your thoughts? Opinions, anything.” Because I needed someone else to tell me that I wasn’t psycho.
“I think an extremely handsome man offered you a way to save your daughter.” She leaned back against the opposite counter, wiping her hands clean on her apron.
“What? So I’m the one who’s wrong here? He asked me to marry him, Ada. That gives a veritable stranger rights over my kids for the sake of insurance. Insurance that he can revoke anytime he feels like filing for divorce. Hell, rights over Solitude.”
“Only if you let it. You’re telling me you couldn’t draft a prenup or something that limits his rights? The same as you’d do with Jeff if he walked back through those doors?”
“Jeff isn’t coming back.”
“Exactly.”
“What if he’s a serial killer?” I asked, reaching for another cookie.
“He was Ryan’s best friend.”
“So he says,” I muttered with my mouth full. Well, so the letter said. Ryan had never shared personal details about the guys he served with. He barely told me anything about Chaos when he asked me to be his pen pal, just that a guy in his unit needed mail. I missed my brother. I wanted my brother. I needed to hear his opinion, why he’d never talked about Beckett if they’d been best friends.
I missed Chaos, too.
Chaos. If he’d shown up at my door in January, everything would be different. I knew it in my soul. Maybe I was the psycho one. After all, I’d fallen for two different men in the span of what? Eight months? Pregnancy lasted longer than that.
But Chaos was dead. Ryan was dead. Mom and Dad were dead. Grandma? Dead, too.
Was I really going to add my daughter to that list?
“Didn’t he have Ryan’s letter?”
“Yeah,” I begrudgingly admitted. “Maybe if there was a picture of them, or something. Anything.”
“Did you ask?” She tilted her head and stared at me like I was ten all over again.
“Well. No.”
“Huh. Seems like you already believed him, then, doesn’t it?”
“Ugh.” I let my head roll back and sighed my exasperation to whoever wanted to take my side. “You’re on his side.”
“I’m on Maisie’s side. And that side looks a lot better when she’s living.”
Well, when you put it like that…
“I don’t know what to do. I can’t marry him, Ada. It’s only a matter of time before he gets bored. Guys like Beckett don’t play house.”
“He’s not your father. He’s not Ryan. He’s not Jeff. You have got to stop convicting him of their crimes.”
She was right, and yet my heart still wouldn’t accept it, my head wouldn’t surrender. “Even if he sticks around long enough to get Maisie through treatment, eventually he’s going to check the ‘saved Ryan’s sister’ box and move on.”
“And that’s bad because…”
“Because it will break the kids’ hearts.”
“Funny thing about broken hearts—only the living have them.”
I shot her a glare. “Yeah, I get it. At least she’d be alive to have a broken heart, right? But what if he walks out midtreatment? What if the insurance cancels and the hospital ceases her therapy?”
“Then she will have had more treatments than she’s getting now, and we’ll cross that bridge if we ever get there. Sometimes you just have to show a little faith, even if he is a veritable stranger.”
“I don’t know how to trust him with my kids.” I reached for another cookie and broke it in half.
“That’s a load of crap.” She wagged her finger in my direction. “You already trust him with the twins. He takes Colt to soccer, and he’s stayed with Maisie in the hospital with the privileges you gave him over her care.”
I shoved another piece of cookie in my mouth and chewed slowly. Ugh, she was right. Hadn’t I already admitted to Beckett that I knew he’d do anything for the kids?
“You know what I think?” Ada asked, taking advantage of my full mouth. “You’re not scared to trust him with the kids. You’re scared to trust him with you.”
The cookie scraped my throat as I forced a quick swallow.
“What? I don’t even factor into this. He said the marriage would just be on paper.” Which—okay, I could admit—had actually hurt a little.
“But you care about him.”
Too much.
“Any feelings I might or might not have don’t matter. This isn’t one of your Christmas romance movies where they fake-marriage themselves out of a conundrum, break into snowball fights, and fall in love. There’s no happy-ever-after here.”
Of course that knowledge hadn’t stopped me from falling for him, anyway.
“Ella, it’s June, there is no snow.”
“You know what I’m talking about.”
“Are you honestly going to sit there and tell me that you’re going to draw a line on what you’re willing to do to keep Maisie alive?”
And there was the kicker.
Shit. What wouldn’t I do for Maisie? With a cool enough head to get some perspective, I knew there wasn’t a line. I’d risk hell and damnation for her. I’d sell my very soul.
Beckett could potentially save Maisie. The only obstacle was my own stubbornness and fear.
But what if there was a way to leave my fear out of the equation? To directly link Beckett to the kids without my baggage getting
in the way?
“I guess I have to talk to Beckett.”
…
Colt flew through the front door after practice, flushed and happy. “Hi, Mom!” He was a blur, kissing me on the cheek and then racing up the stairs to his room.
Beckett stood in the doorway, his baseball hat in his hand. His shorts rode low on his hips, and that incredible expanse of abs and chest was covered up with a Pearl Jam concert tee. His eyes widened when he took in my sundress and the bare expanse of my legs, but he quickly looked elsewhere. “He has a game tomorrow, but I know Maisie is supposed to go in for chemo.”
“We’ll leave after the game. She doesn’t start until Monday, and they’ll need to see if her platelet levels are high enough to even do it. The infection screwed up a lot of stuff.”
“Okay, just let me know. I can take him, of course.” He started backing out of the house, and I nearly cursed.
“Thank you. Look, Beckett, about yesterday?”
He stopped, slowly dragging his eyes to mine and keeping them there instead of on my bare shoulders or the sweetheart, strapless neckline I’d chosen just to get his attention. Sure, the dress was old, but at least it still fit.
When it became apparent that he wasn’t going to speak, I forged ahead.
“I trust you with my kids.”
His eyes widened slightly.
“I needed to say that first, for you to know that everything we fought about last night…most of that isn’t about the kids. It’s about me. You’ve done nothing but prove yourself since you got here, and it was wrong of me to ask you to tell me about Ryan when I know it would cost your integrity. Ironic really, right? I was asking you to prove your trustworthiness by breaking your word. I’m sorry.”
The Last Letter Page 21
