I still heard echoes of his footsteps on the stairs, his laugh in the halls. There were even moments I swore I caught the scent of his sunshine-soaked hair, like he’d sneaked in for a hug and run off again before I could capture him fully. The bedroom Beckett kept for him was untouched except for the boxes we’d brought from my house. I wasn’t ready to go there yet, and that was okay.
There were too many memories I wasn’t ready to pack away. I’d taken one look at the helmet Colt had worn that first Halloween in the hospital and known I wouldn’t be able to make it through a single box.
But Maisie had grabbed the helmet and smiled, remembering when she’d traded with Colt to wear it that night.
He’d worn her halo.
Like they’d known they’d eventually switch roles.
Like it had been planned all along, and I’d simply missed the signs.
“Do you think the lake is frozen enough to walk on?” I asked Beckett.
He gave me that look—the one where he knew exactly what I was thinking—and then glanced out at the snowy lake. “I was out there yesterday, and the temps are even lower today. You should be fine. Want me to go with you?”
I shook my head. “No, I’d like to go alone. I think I’m ready.”
He simply nodded and then gave me the space I needed.
Methodically, I laced my boots, zipped my coat, and grabbed my hat and gloves on the way out. The air was brisk, the snow the light, shimmery kind that looked like freshly falling glitter as I crossed the lake.
I made my way up over the island to the center, where Colt and Ryan waited.
I’d never been here alone, never felt like I was ready, like I was strong enough. Maybe I still wasn’t, but I was tired of waiting to feel like it. Maybe feeling strong enough came from being strong so often that it was the default.
Words deserted me as I knelt before Colt’s stone, uncaring that the snow immediately melted through my jeans. There were so many things I needed to say to him, but none of them would leave my lips. So I stopped trying and simply bowed my head, letting the tears from my eyes take the words from my heart straight to him.
Finally, my throat produced a sound.
“I would have fought for you. I would have torn down the very stars, Colt. You are loved, not in past tense, but now, every second of every day, and that will never change. I see pieces of you in your sister, little glimpses of your soul shining out from hers. She carries you with her the same way we all do. I miss you so much that some days it feels like I can’t carry it all, but then I see her and somehow make it through. You taught me how to do that, you know. When your sister was sick, and it felt like too much, like I couldn’t be enough to pull her through, I’d look at you and realize that I had to be, because no matter what happened with your sister, it would always be you and me, kid. You taught me how to pick myself up and take the first step. I just never realized how badly I’d need the lesson. But I’m doing it. For you, and Maisie, and your dad. We should have told you about him sooner…should have done a lot of things, really.”
I lifted my face to the sky and let the snow fall on my skin. My tears blended with the melting snow until the two were one, and my eyes dried.
The air burned my lungs as I drew it deep, freezing out the heavy, tear-clogged feeling I carried with me like a badge of survival.
Needing the break, I walked the few feet over to Ryan’s grave.
“I never said thank you,” I told him, brushing snow off the top of the stone. “For Beckett, I mean. I don’t know how you knew, but you did. And I know you told me the letters were for him, and you told him the letters were for me, but you knew how badly we needed each other. You saved me through Beckett, Ry. You saved Maisie. I found a ring while I was unpacking in our bedroom. He hasn’t asked yet, and I’m hoping he waits a while, but I know he’s my forever, and I only have him because of you. So thank you for Beckett, and for your letter that brought him home to me. Now, kiss my boy, would you?” I pressed a kiss to my fingers and put it over his name. “He’s only on loan, so be careful with him.”
Then I walked back to Colt’s grave.
“I love you, and I miss you,” I told him. “There’s nothing truer that I could tell you. And I wish I had been with you, but I’m so glad you had your dad, and now you have your Uncle Ryan. You were my greatest gift, Colt. And as much as I hate every day that you’re gone, I’m so thankful for the days I had you. Thank you for being mine.” Then I pressed a kiss to the same fingers and let them trail across his name, all twenty-one letters of it.
COLTON MACKENZIE-GENTRY
The walk back across the lake was quiet in a profoundly peaceful way. I’d done it. I’d found the strength to put one foot in front of the other and get there. And I’d continue to do so in every way, because I was strong enough.
A lot of that was due to the man standing at the edge of the lake, waiting for me to come home to him.
“You okay?” Beckett asked, wrapping me in his arms.
“Yeah. I think I will be, at least.”
He brushed my cheeks with his glove-covered hands. “Yeah, you will be.”
“Do you ever think about fate?”
His brow puckered. “You mean the way we lost Colt?”
“Yes. No. Kind of. I’ve been so angry with God for taking Ryan, then Colt when we’d just gotten Maisie in the clear, for taking him at all.”
“Me, too.”
“But then I was looking out at the lake, and I had this thought. Maybe he was always supposed to go. Maybe they both were. If Ryan hadn’t died, maybe you would have come to visit, but you wouldn’t have stayed. It wasn’t in your nature back then.”
Beckett didn’t speak, simply gave me a small nod and waited for me to continue.
“But he did die. And you came. And you saved Maisie with the treatments, and you saved Colt’s heart by being here when I couldn’t. You made his every wish come true, and you taught him such incredible things. Because of you, he wasn’t lonely. Because of you, he was doubly loved. I’m realizing that fate would have taken him whether or not you’d been here. Whether or not Ryan had lived, or Maisie had died. But without you, he would have been alone. No one else could have found him, could have given him the peace you did. Without you, I would have buried both of my children.”
His mouth pressed into a line as he struggled to maintain control. “I couldn’t save him. I would have given my own life if it meant he could be here with you. I’ve saved every child since…” He swallowed and looked away.
“With every call, you’re trying to repent for a sin you didn’t knowingly commit. I see your face every time you find a child.”
“But I couldn’t save yours. Couldn’t save my own. How can you forgive me for that?”
“Because there’s nothing to forgive.”
The girls laughed as they ran through the snow, heading toward the tree house.
“You think?”
I took one look at Emma, her smile bright as she helped Maisie up the ladder.
“I know.” Warmth raced through my chest. “Maybe you couldn’t save the little boy who was always meant to go, but you saved her by teaching Colt.” I motioned toward Emma.
Beckett’s jaw flexed. “Fate, you think?”
“Fate,” I answered. “And maybe it’s not true for everyone, but it can be my truth. That’s enough for me.”
He pressed his chilled lips to my forehead. “I love you. I will always love you.”
I rose on my toes and pressed my lips to his in a gentle kiss. “I love you. Now, forever. All of it.”
Yes, I was capable of immense grief, but I was also capable of infinite love. And I would love my life again. Maybe not today, but one day. Because I wasn’t done yet.
Life was short. Colt taught me that.
Life was worth fighting for. Maisie taught me th
at.
Letters could change your life. Ryan taught me that.
Love—when it was right—was enough to save you. Beckett taught me that every single day. And ours was more than enough.
And so was I.
Epilogue
Maisie
I dropped a bag of M&M’s on the grass and tore open mine.
“Guess what?” I asked my brother. “Not going to ask? Fine, be like that. It’s like you’re going all teenager a few months early or something. It’s been five years. You know what that means?”
I popped an M&M into my mouth and chewed.
“It means I’m still cancer-free. It means my risk of relapse is like…nothing. It means we win. But it means it’s going to be a while until I see you. Remember when we made that deal? The night I got so sick? The one where you said if I died, you’d die, too, so we’d never be alone?”
I ran my hand over his stone, tracing the letters of his name.
“I broke it. I just didn’t know I was breaking it. I always thought the cancer would come back and hold up my end of the bargain. But it didn’t. And I hope you’re not mad. Because life is okay. I mean, Rory is nuts. Our little sister is full-blown squirrel. Yesterday, she jumped the banister to the landing. I thought Mom was going to have a cow. And Brandon is such a good baby, so sweet and cuddly, and Havoc doesn’t even mind when he tugs on her ears. And Emma and I have plans for next weekend, nothing big, but you know…plans. Mom and Dad are good. They still get all kissy in the kitchen when they think no one’s looking. Kinda gross, but they’re happy.”
I reached the final letter of his name and sighed.
“Five years. And I still miss you all the time. Well, not all the time, since there’s a bunch of times I feel like you’re with me. But yeah, I miss you. Everyone does. But I’m going to have to break our promise, and I know how to make it up to you: I’m just going to have to be twice as awesome and live for the both of us. Okay?”
I stood up and grabbed the extra bag of M&M’s so Mom didn’t freak when she came out later.
“Just do me a favor. Hang around. Because I’m definitely going to need some help being that awesome if I have to make up for you being gone. I miss you, Colt.”
I kissed my fingers and pressed them to his name, the same way Mom always did. Then I got in the boat and rowed back across the lake.
As of today, my future was wide open.
The cancer wasn’t coming back.
I was going to live, and so was Colt—because I always carried him with me. Some bonds couldn’t be broken.
“Maisie!” Dad called from the porch as I tied the boat off at the dock we’d built a couple of years ago. “You want to head out with me?”
“Yep!” I answered.
I didn’t ask him where to; if Dad was headed somewhere, I was in. Because Colt would have been, and I had a promise to keep.
Twice the awesome.
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Acknowledgments
First and foremost, thank you to my Heavenly Father for blessing me beyond all measure and the health of my six children.
Thank you to my husband, Jason, for giving me quiet weekends in hotels in the crazy three weeks that I wrote this book. For loving me even when I’m bleary-eyed from three a.m. writing sessions and showing up as 100 percent dad on days I struggle to balance being an author and a mom. I love you. Thank you to my children, who show me every day just how much I have to learn about life, and who are handling more than they should ever have to as military kids. To my sister, Kate, because we finally get to raise our kids together. To my parents, who don’t bat an eye when I dye my hair pink or get a new tattoo—who even in the face of cancer have always stood together with inspiring strength, unity, and overwhelming love.
Thank you to my editor, Karen Grove. For hours on the phone smoothing out the twists and turns of this book, for your guidance, your humor, your expertise, and your friendship. For the fourteen F*s you had to give. You’re the reason this is our fifth year together, and I wish I had the words to adequately thank you for handing me my wildest dream.
Thank you to my wifeys, our trinity, Gina Maxwell and Cindi Madsen, who keep me at the keyboard on the days when self-doubt gets the best of me. To Molly Lee for being a constant source of friendship and understanding. To Shelby for putting up with my unicorn brain. Thank you to Linda Russell for chasing the squirrels, bringing the bobby pins, and holding me together on days I’m ready to fall apart. To Jen Wolfel for your advice, friendship, and beta skills. To KP, for sandy-toed beach talks in Mexico, Emilie, and the Inkslinger team for everything you do for me. To my phenomenal agent, Louise Fury, for always having my back and holding my career in your very capable hands. To Liz Pelletier for encouraging me to write this book and never being too busy to take a phone call or open your home for an impromptu slumber party.
Thank you to the courageous women whose experiences made this book possible. To Nicole and Darlene for sharing their stories with me, for helping me better understand the world of childhood cancer. To Mindy Ruiz for sharing your battle with me and dropping everything to read as a beta. To Annie Swink for having the strength to share Beydn’s fight with me and carrying on his legacy. A huge thank you to Ashton Hughes, not only for a decade of friendship but also for sharing the details of David’s neuroblastoma diagnosis and treatment, upon which Maisie’s entire timeline is based. You are one kickass mom. Thank you to the countless mothers who blogged their children’s fights with neuroblastoma—I spent nights reading your posts, holding my breath for your children, rejoicing when they were declared cancer-free or sobbing with you as they succumbed to their illness. You don’t know me, but you touched me. Your child changed me.
Lastly, because you’re my beginning and end, thank you again to my Jason. Nineteen years together, and you still give me butterflies when your boots hit the entry hall. I can’t wait for this deployment to be over. Fifth and final, baby. Fly safe and come home soon.
About the Author
Rebecca Yarros is a hopeless romantic and a lover of all things coffee and chocolate. She is the author of the award-winning Flight & Glory series and The Renegades series. She loves military heroes and has been blissfully married to her Apache pilot for seventeen years.
When she’s not writing, she’s tying hockey skates for her four sons, sneaking in guitar time, or watching brat-pack movies with her two daughters. She lives in Colorado with her husband, their rambunctious gaggle of kids, and their menagerie of pets. Having adopted their youngest daughter from the foster system, Rebecca is a passionate advocate for children through her nonprofit, One October.
www.rebeccayarros.com
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