“I can’t go home to the townhouse with all his shit there and lie in the bed that we’ve had together for forever.” I purge the thought from me, feeling lighter and lighter with each word. “I can’t hide in my office and do the same shit over and over again.”
I stare at the artwork centered over Julia’s fireplace as I talk. I don’t really care what anyone else thinks; I need a break from this, some kind of getaway.
The crinkling of the packaging paper is all I can hear from the other side of the expansive room. It’s so loud that I’m not sure anyone but Maddie even heard me. We’ve been working in relative silence save for the soft sound of music flowing from the kitchen behind us.
“We should go on a girls’ trip,” I offer up and look over my shoulder at Maddie. I shift in my seat and wait for her to look back at me.
“Hell yeah,” she answers without hesitation.
“What does the newlywed think?” Maddie asks Jules and instantly Jules brightens.
She shrugs, as if the word newlywed didn’t make her day and puts the attention back on me as she says, “I’m happy to do whatever you want, Kat.” Jules is holding back, and I can tell. I think it’s because she’s happy. Her life is renewed and she’s filled with nothing but happiness. And here I am, falling apart and stealing from her joy.
“You’re glowing,” I tell her and wait for a response, feeling guilty. My chest feels tight and I shift into a cross-legged position on the plush carpet and grab the plastic bottle of water, drinking it down slowly even though it’s room temperature now.
Maddie quirks an eyebrow. “You already make a baby?” she asks.
“Shut up,” Jules says playfully and then goes to the granite counter behind us and makes a show of drinking from her glass of wine. We exchange amused looks, waiting for her to reply.
“Not yet,” Jules finally answers.
“Yet!” Maddie practically shrieks. “First comes love, then comes marriage–”
“Then comes a new home and a fresh start,” Jules cuts her off and Sue laughs from her spot in the corner of the living room.
It’s grand and spacious and much more like Jules’ style. She got a deal on this home and the amount of space is making me regret buying a place so close to the park. It reminds me how tiny our townhouse is. At least compared to this.
But this is a family home, and I live in a townhouse that’s not meant for anything more than two people. I force my lips to stay in place and swallow down the frown and all the feelings threatening to come up.
I made this decision. I need to own up to it and deal with the consequences.
“I’m not sure I can do this girls’ trip,” Sue says and then chews the inside of her cheek. She braces herself on the chair before rising and picking up her wine glass. “I’ve got a new boss and he’s a dick with a capital D. There’s no way he’s going to give me time off.”
“It’s not really his position to give it to you,” Maddie says skeptically. “Like you earn your days. And we haven’t even set a date yet.” The defensiveness in Maddie’s voice catches me off guard.
Sue walks closer to us, a glass of wine in her right hand and a ball of packaging paper in her left. “He’ll give me shit.” She shrugs like it’s no big deal, but Maddie isn’t having it.
“So fuck him,” Maddie says, a little anger coming out. She doesn’t usually get worked up, so I’m taken aback.
“It’s fine, it was just a thought,” I offer up and try to smooth the tension flowing between the two of them.
“You okay?” I ask her and Maddie ignores me, picking up her wine glass filled with pinot grigio and throwing it back.
“I don’t want to set a bad precedent,” Sue says staring directly at Maddie, who refuses to look back at Suzette.
My gaze moves between the two of them and I’m only distracted by the loud clap behind me from Jules. “Who wants some cheese?” she says and we all turn slowly to see her lifting a tray of cut meats and cheese as if it’s the peace treaty between us.
Sue has the decency to laugh and the small moment of tension is immediately relieved.
I feel odd sitting in this room and unpacking all of Jules’ odds and ends. Looking around the room, I’m surrounded by friends, but I feel alone. I take another sip of water. It’s all in my head, I’m more than aware of that, but it doesn’t change how I feel.
Jules has a new life with a fresh start, but she’s afraid to be happy about it. Maybe that’s only because I’m here. She doesn’t want her new marriage to cause me any more pain. She’s sweet like that, but it only makes it hurt worse.
“Have you slept with him?” Jules asks me as she grabs a contraption from one of her drawers that she uses to uncork the wine bottles. The kitchen is all white. White cabinets and a sleek white countertop. The only color is in the ebony floorboards.
“Who with who?” Maddie asks with a sly smile on her face. “Is Sue sleeping with her boss?” Her question makes Suzette tense and stare back at Maddie with daggers. But Maddie’s oblivious.
“Kat,” Jules says and her tone is casual, not sympathetic or pushy, no motive apparent. “Have you slept with Evan since it all happened?” she asks and pops the cork from the bottle, keeping her attention on it rather than on me.
My face heats, knowing the other two women are looking at me, but I wait for Jules. The second she raises her eyes to mine, although it was only meant to be a glance, I nod my head.
I anticipate the scoff of disdain from Sue, the tilted head with a sympathetic look from Maddie, but I don’t know what to expect from Jules.
She shrugs her shoulders, the cream chenille sweater slipping down and making her look that much thinner, that much more beautiful. “Was it any good?” she asks and lifts the glass to her lips. It’s dark red wine, the same color she wears on her lips. It’s one thing I like about Jules; she’s nothing if not consistent. But this is new territory for us to be in.
I roll my eyes and then wipe my face with my hand. It’s always good with Evan. “It was a mistake,” I answer her instead.
“People make mistakes,” Jules says low, so low I almost didn’t hear her. And then she looks at me and adds, “It’s okay. I get it.” She sounds so sad and I can’t help but to wonder what’s going on with her. For just a moment, a short glimpse, there’s something there other than the perfect façade she always carries. But the moment she registers that I can see it, the crack in her demeanor, she straightens her shoulders and takes in a heavy breath.
Silence passes and the only thing that can be heard is the rustling of paper as Maddie unwraps something. I’ve never felt so alone and unwelcomed. But it’s not them, it’s me and my head, I know it is. “I just don’t know what to do,” I tell her, biting back the questions on the tip of my tongue.
“You don’t need to decide right now,” Jules says easily. “There’s a lot to consider and talk about.” She nods her head as she talks, almost like she’s talking to herself.
“The thing is,” I hesitate, although being around Jules makes me feel centered. She’s not going to judge me, but the other two women … I can feel it already and I can’t say that I blame them.
“I don’t know what I want, but I know he’ll convince me to stay with him.”
“Men have a way with words,” Sue says and drains her glass before standing up and smoothing out her pants. “It’s called lying.”
I bite my tongue as I tilt my head to watch Sue walk to the kitchen. She’s taking bites of the cheese board and then glancing at the piles of boxes still lining the wall of the kitchen.
“I mean some men,” Sue says softly and then clears her throat to add with a touch of sympathy, “I keep letting my shitty experience color my opinion. Sorry,” she says, looking me in the eyes.
“Thanks,” I tell her but in all honesty, she’s not wrong.
“So you’re indecisive, and that makes sense. You’re married. You love him. But you’re hurt.” Maddie talks like it’s so simple and easy to comp
rehend. But it’s not. There’s a raging war of emotions inside of me. I don’t know that I can trust my husband, and that alone is enough to end it and what pushed me to kick him out this morning.
Rather than confess about my lack of trust, I offer a partial truth.
“I slept with him last night and then kicked him out this morning.” I shake my head realizing how awful that sounds, how crazy it seems.
“Sounds like a divorce to me,” Sue says and then fills her glass again. “I did it for years, Kat. Years of back and forth. Forgiving but not forgetting.” Her slender fingers play on the stem of the glass. “Wish I had those years back.”
I feel desperate for her to understand. I get that her marriage failed and I see the similarities. But this is different, isn’t it? I’m not ready for this to end. As pathetic as it sounds, I already feel alone again and I don’t want that. I want the love I had with Evan. I just want it back.
“I don’t know what I did that pushed him away.” Even as I say the words, I know that’s not true. I let distance grow between us. I ignored him in favor of my career.
“Nothing, it’s not you. It’s not your fault.” Sue’s words are hard, with no negotiation allowed. So I don’t correct her. She faces me squarely.
“Why are you with someone you don’t trust?” she asks me, a bit of aggression in her voice.
“I just wanted him last night,” I say and my voice is soft and I feel myself slipping, falling into that pathetic black hole where all I do is blame myself.
Sue’s eyes are soft, as is her voice when she asks, “Do you want to be together, or not?” she asks me.
Before I can tell her how messed up my head is right now, Maddie says, “It’s whatever she wants. They can be friends with benefits if that’s what she wants, fuck buddies, she can use him for revenge sex. Who cares? It’s none of your business and pushing her to decide is bullshit.”
We all sit stunned for a moment; Maddie looks out of breath as she picks at the paper in her hands. She doesn’t look up.
“I’ll figure it out,” I spit out the words. Everyone in the room looks as uneasy as I feel and I regret coming here. I regret trying to move forward without knowing where I’m going.
Sue leaves the room and I stare at the fireplace mantel as the bathroom door opens and closes and then Maddie gets up to follow Sue.
I regret last night and this morning.
I regret trying to explain my mess of emotions and poor decisions.
I regret everything and I don’t know what to do right now. I don’t know what I’ll do tomorrow either. And regardless of what choice I make, I don’t know with certainty that I won’t regret it immediately after.
Chapter Twelve
EVAN
I refuse to leave,
Refuse to tell her goodbye.
I’ll be with her for always,
Until the day I die.
It’s selfish, and I hate myself,
But she’s the only one.
Who makes this life worth living-
Who makes me come undone.
I tried it. I swear I tried to give her space.
She says that’s what she needs, but I know it’s not. She needs me. Period. She needs me to be there and that’s where I’ve failed. Not just in the last few weeks. I chose a lifestyle that forced us apart.
I can fix this, but not by running to Pops and leaving her all alone with nothing but this city whispering in her ear.
My arm stiffens as I slide the key into the lock. My heart doesn’t beat until it turns, proving she didn’t change the locks. I let out a breath I didn’t know I was still holding and push it open. I’m prepared with what I need to say. Prepared to hold my ground and not take no for an answer.
But it only takes one step inside of our living room for all of it to slip away from me.
Kat looks so tired, so worn out propped up in the corner of the sofa with her laptop sitting to the left of her, but the screen’s black. She has a cup of coffee in her hands as well as bags under her eyes. She turns to me slowly, wiping the sleep from her eyes and adjusting herself slightly.
“What are you doing here?” she asks me, still seated with her legs tucked underneath her on the sofa. I’m stunned for a moment, because she’s so fucking beautiful, even in this state. My body’s drawn to her. And if it were another time, I’d go to the sofa, push the laptop off and lie down, taking her into my arms.
And she’d let me.
“This is my house.” I try not to say the words too firmly. “Our house,” I correct myself and swallow before continuing and taking a single step closer to her. “I worked my ass off–”
“Then I’ll move out,” Kat quickly states matter-of-factly, but the pain is barely disguised. She seems to snap out of whatever daze had her captive before I came in here.
“I don’t want you to move out. We don’t need this.” I emphasize my words.
“I asked for time and space because I don’t know what to do, Evan. You aren’t giving me any options without telling me what happened.”
“You want to know?” I look her in the eyes, feeling my blood pulse harder in my veins.
“Are you going to tell me the truth?” she asks me in a cracked whisper. “All of it?”
All of it? I have to break her gaze. I can’t. I can’t confess everything. I’d lose her forever.
The second I break eye contact, she scoffs. “You’re so full of shit. Why are you doing this to me?” she asks me, although it’s rhetorical.
“I just want to be home with you while this blows over.”
“Blows over?” she practically yells. I’m not good with words. I never have been, but I wish I had the wisdom to say the right thing right now.
“Maybe this is the moment,” she says while rolling her eyes with a sad smile on her beautiful face.
“The moment?” I dare to ask.
“The moment that changes everything for the rest of my life. I’ve been wondering exactly what moment it was, but maybe it hasn’t happened yet.”
Her words settle deep in my very core. Slow, yet all-consuming. Her face changes from the sarcastic disappointment that she had when she said the words. As if only just now realizing the magnitude of them herself.
“We can go back,” I tell her softly, raising my hands just slightly, but the fear of losing her keeps my blood cold and my motions subtle.
“It’s called separating for a reason,” she tells me. As if what we had the other night meant nothing. As if there’s no reason for us to be together. Maybe she really doesn’t love me anymore.
“We didn’t decide to do that,” I answer her. “You were angry.”
“Rightfully so,” she spits back.
“I told you it’s not true,” I tell her as I stare deep into her eyes. I watch as they gloss over and her lower lip trembles. “Just …” I swallow thickly, the lump growing in the back of my throat suffocating any plea I have for her. Just love me. Just forgive me.
I lick my lips and turn away from her, not able to voice what I’m feeling. I slowly take a seat in the side chair, and it creaks as I rest my weight in it. Kat starts to get up.
“I don’t want to fight,” I tell her.
“I don’t want this, Evan. I didn’t ask for this,” she raises her voice, the anger coming back. She stops moving though, and I can tell she’s losing the fight.
“I don’t know what to do or say, or what to think. I feel crazy!” She stares at me wide-eyed. “Do you understand what that’s like? To be so fucking stupid? To know I’m being stupid and setting myself up for you to hurt me.”
“I won’t hurt you–”
“But you did! And you won’t even tell me why.” Her shoulders shudder, but she doesn’t cry, she holds her ground.
“I don’t want to lose you, Kat,” I manage to speak and peek up to look at her.
“I want you to quit,” she says and rocks on her feet. She nods her head and visibly swallows. “You need to quit.” She stares at
me, her eyes pleading. Her body’s still, like she’s not breathing.
“It’s not that easy,” I tell her and God I wish she knew. I want to tell her everything, but I can’t risk it. I can’t leave right now. I just need time.
“It is that easy; you quit or leave.” I stare into her eyes that swirl with nothing but raw vulnerability, and hesitate.
“You’re going to give me an ultimatum?” But even as I ask her, I know that’s what she’s doing.
She has no idea.
I just need time. I need her to just give me time. As soon as I’m out of this, I can do whatever she wants.
But not right now.
I can feel her slipping away. Every second that passes that I don’t tell her, she’s turning colder toward me. But she can’t know. No one can.
My lips part and I can feel my lungs still. The words are right there. Begging me, and desperate for her to hear. I need her more than anything.
“Kat,” I say her name but it’s so much more. It’s me begging for her to love me blindly, to trust that I love her and that I’d never do anything to hurt her.
I can’t. I can’t risk her, and I won’t do it.
My mouth closes and I turn away from her, running my hand over my face.
“Get out,” Kat says and her voice hitches at the end. I turn to see her cover her face.
I close the distance between us. It only takes three steps, but by the time my arms wrap around her, she’s pushing me away. Her hands slam into my chest. She tries to knock me back, but only manages to throw herself off balance instead.
I grip her hip to steady her, but she slaps me. Hard across the face and the sting catches me by surprise.
I flex my jaw as she screams at me to get out. Her body’s shaking. The sinful mix of hatred and betrayal ring in the air between us.
“Do you really want me out?” I ask her, genuinely not knowing anymore. I don’t know at what point I lost her completely. There’s only so many times I can ask her to give me everything while I hold back.
I guess I should be more surprised it hasn’t happened sooner. I rub my jaw as I take a step back, only giving her the bit of space I’m willing to offer. “I know you still love me,” I tell her and watch as she rips her eyes from me and takes a step back. Her face is blotchy and red and her breathing is frantic.
Love Triangle: Six Books of Torn Desire Page 121
