“Yes. I do. Right now.” Before I could overthink it. I grabbed at his jeans, and he let me. He widened his eyes and grinned at me in that sexy, smoldering Max kind of a way, but he didn’t suggest I was going too fast or note that I may have become frantic.
I wanted this. Wanted him. If it were going to happen right in the car, in traffic, so be it. I wasn’t going to say no. The bulge in his pants seemed like it was growing, and as that was just what I wanted, I must’ve been doing something right.
“Next time we do this, we’ll have lots of room. But if you’d ride me right now, honey, you’d make this miserable fucking day so much better. I don’t expect it. We’re in a car. People are driving us. There are folks walking on the street, and I mean—”
I kissed him to shut him up. Right then, I didn’t want to be Hopeless Hope. No, I was going to be the woman who knew what she was doing. “Do you have a condom?”
“Coolest woman ever.” He kissed my neck. “Seriously.”
I hoped I was. But he was incredibly beautiful, and he wanted me. He kept proving that over and over. This was the second time, and he’d come to make sure I was okay this morning. For some reason, Max gave a shit when he should’ve been the last person in the world to feel that way.
Not to mention I was entitled to enjoy myself.
“Do you have a condom?” He still hadn’t answered.
That would be a dealbreaker. I was sure he had one in his apartment, but we were in the car. This might be different.
“Yes.” His low laugh moved through me. “Embarrassed to say I’ve been carrying one in my wallet since I was fourteen. Not the same one, mind you. I just make sure I always have one.”
He squirmed a little and pulled his wallet out of his back pocket. After he pulled the condom out, he discarded the wallet onto the seat. I frowned. That was going to get lost. I grabbed it and shoved it back in his pocket.
“Thanks.” He kissed me again. “For thinking of that.”
“I’m a little strange.” I shrugged.
“The best of us are.” He slipped his hand down my pants, finding my pussy like he was an expert. Probably because he was. I smiled at the thought. Whatever happened before, right in this second, he was mine. I’d take these kinds of moments in my life.
It was almost unbelievable this was happening to me.
We managed to squeeze ourselves around—despite the closeness of the roof to my head, the door to our side, and the knowledge the tinted windows wouldn’t hide us if someone got close enough to the car—to strip from the waist down. He tore the condom wrapper open with his teeth and then stopped to look at me.
“I should be romancing you more than this.”
I shook my head and said the words that floated through my head. “No, don’t.”
I kissed him, hard, before he could argue with me. I didn’t want him to change his mind. Max doing this once was one thing, twice might send me over some edge. He’d initiated this, and damnit, he wasn’t taking it back.
I got up higher on my knees, positioning them on both sides of him. He pulled back his head to look at me, the slightest frown between his eyebrows, but he didn’t say anything, so I took that as him getting on board. He handed me the condom. “Going to need you to put this on me in this position.”
Swallowing, I nodded. “Okay.”
I wouldn’t tell him I’d never done it before. I’d just wing it. Really, how hard could it be? Well, it turned out in a car that was jerking around and in our awkward position, it was actually pretty difficult. Still, I managed to not say a word to indicate I was having trouble not losing the condom or breaking it as I rolled it onto his rather large cock.
Was it going to fit inside of me?
“Are you wet, baby?” He pressed his finger inside of me, and I gasped. His smile told me that hadn’t been the wrong thing to do. “You are. And…make those noises when I’m inside of you. I’m begging you.”
I kissed him because I didn’t know exactly what to say. Noises. Yep. I hadn’t thought about that. What if I made some he didn’t like? Fuck. I didn’t worry about these things years ago, but then again, I hadn’t known just how screwed up I was going to get.
With his condom where it needed to be, I got up on my knees. It seemed like it would be perfectly obvious what I should do, but I wasn’t exactly sure at that moment. “Help me?”
Maybe he’d think it was the car that was the problem? He nodded, which made me hope that he did. It took some squirming, and I couldn’t believe that any of that was actually very sexy-looking, but then I felt him. A second before he jerked his hips and pushed himself inside of me, he was just suddenly there. There was this moment right before we were joined when I realized we were about to be that I caught my breath and thanked the universe I got to have this moment.
And then he was inside of me. It was a strange feeling. It didn’t hurt. I caught my breath and tried to appreciate the novelty of it as my body adjusted to the uniqueness. In books and movies, women just adjusted, they orgasmed. One two three done. It was remarkable. I wasn’t at all certain what to do, and I didn’t think I was going to just come because he was inside of me, although it felt good in a way I hadn’t expected it to.
We were joined. Body to body. I liked that element of it.
“Fuck.” He cursed in my ear. “You are so tight, beautiful. Hope, I’m dying for you.”
That was a good thing, and I liked how he said it. My cheeks heated up. Before I could think of something to say, he grabbed on to my hips and moved me. I might have been on top, but he led our bodies, and thank goodness he did.
Oh yes, I liked that. Each stroke of our bodies against each other made this better and better. I let my head lean back and closed my eyes. I could feel the buildup happening inside of me. Tears came to my eyes, but I pulled them back. I didn’t need to cry just because I could feel the pleasure. It was such a strange dichotomy of emotions. The fact that I could was enough to drive it away.
He picked up the pace of our thrusts, and I bit down on my lip to stop from crying out. Max bit my neck lightly, and I gasped. Yes, I liked that.
“Another time, and you’re going to give me all your noises. As loud as you want to be.” His voice sounded huskier, and it moved through me like he’d stroked me in the midst of all of this.
Truth was I had no idea what to say. Apparently, sex talk didn’t come naturally to me, so I was just going to keep quiet and try to be present in this moment. I had this beautiful man having sex with me in the back of a car as we moved through—or sometimes didn’t move through—traffic. It was a strange, bizarre moment, and although he’d likely never know it, a perfect one for me.
“Look at me.”
I did as he said because how could I not? We held our gazes together, and as much as I couldn’t read his thoughts, I was glad he didn’t know mine.
“Fuck. I want to make you come.” He kissed my mouth, my chin, everywhere he could reach as our bodies jerked together and sweat broke out on me. He slipped his finger against me, which meant with every movement we made, it rubbed against his thumb. But he’d found my clit. I often tried to pleasure myself that way, but I usually ended up feeling hollow. This was so much better. The pressure was just right.
“That’s it,” he whispered in my ear. “Come for me. You know you want to, and I want you to. Now. Come for me, Hope.”
I gasped, my body contracting. I didn’t know that I needed that much pressure, but it was good. The sudden assault on my senses drove the tears from my eyes that I’d held off, and I came on a gasp that accompanied a sob. He drove into me, hard, before he came.
We held each other through the shakes as I forced myself to stop crying. A million thoughts traveled through my mind. I’d make an excuse if he asked. Sure, I always cried during sex. It was just what I did.
But as he drew me to him, kissing my face, where the tears had streamed and where my lips were swollen, he didn’t ask. For long moments, we stayed just like that�
��kissing and not otherwise speaking about what we’d just shared.
Eventually, it seemed like I was going to have to do something. The car had sped up, and we were going to cross a bridge. At fast speeds, this seemed less…okay. I pulled off him, and he winced but winked at me. We straightened and got dressed. I tried not to stare at him. What was I supposed to do in this moment? What would a worldly, sexually-fulfilled person do at this time?
He tugged me to him. I didn’t know what he’d done with the condom, but he was dressed again, as was I.
“You okay?” He kissed me again. “Next time, it won’t be so fast. I’m just…worked up, and you are so fucking hot.”
My cheeks heated up. “Thanks.” I swallowed. Nothing he said indicated he had any clue how completely inexperienced I was with doing this consensually. That was good. I couldn’t explain in that moment why it was so important, but it was. I’d hash it out in therapy at some future date when I convinced myself to talk about things again.
He ran his finger down the slope of my nose. “You okay?”
I nodded. “Sure. How are you?”
Max slumped down in his seat. “Much better now.”
I leaned my head against his shoulder. What had just happened was significant for me. It was the first time I’d had sex since…well, since. And I didn’t want to tell him. I got to keep my secrets the same way he guarded his own.
“What are you cooking tonight?” It seemed a safe topic. “Something delicious?”
He laughed, throwing his head back. “It’s all delicious when I make it.”
I groaned. “Sorry, of course. Could you be more specific? What exactly are you cooking tonight?”
He brought my hand to his lips and kissed my knuckles. “The special tonight is going to be salmon. Do you like salmon?”
“I love salmon.”
He leaned his head down on mine. “Thank you for coming with me today, Hope, and for being there for me when I needed you. I…I don’t usually ask for sex in the back of a car.”
I laughed. “Oh no? It’s all the rage on the Upper East Side.”
Max groaned, and I smiled. We stayed quiet for the rest of the drive.
Luke dropped Max at his home and then quickly cut uptown to bring me to mine. I didn’t say a word to either of my guards. If they knew what happened, they made no mention of it, and I managed to get upstairs to my apartment before I sank to the ground.
That happened. It had actually happened. I let out a breath. I’d never thought I’d be able to handle it. Sure, it wasn’t the stuff of fiction. I wasn’t suddenly fixed because I’d had sex with Max, but it did matter. I hadn’t gotten scared, hadn’t freaked out. I’d spent a little too much time lost in my own head, but I’d enjoyed myself, even had an orgasm.
I let out a breath I’d held.
I wanted to tell someone, but not even my sisters would have understood the importance of the moment, since I guarded my truth so tightly.
Shaking my head, I rose and headed for the bathroom, stopping only to stare at September, the painting that I’d moved mountains to acquire. It really was so sad, and even though most of the time I could feel its truth in my soul, at that moment, it was an absolute opposite to my current mood.
“I’m sorry you were sad, Mom.” I touched the side of the frame, avoiding the painting itself. “I am a lot too. But we’re not the same, because I’m not going to let us be.” I stepped away from the creation that filled in for my dead mother. Was I talking to her or to myself? Did it matter? “Why did you pick Dad, anyway? He’s really not a good man.”
I walked into the bathroom and turned on the shower. I’d just had sex. That was so…not me. I smiled as the water sprayed over me. I was going to spend the day getting people to show up to Max’s restaurant.
If this was the last charity I raised money for, then I was going out with a bang.
And then I’d…
Well, I had no idea what I’d do, but I’d figure it out.
For once, I was feeling pretty great about things.
My phone dinged. Justin had sent a text. I think Dad would let you die if it would make them happy.
I stared at the words like I couldn’t believe they existed. I set down my phone, my good mood fleeing. I was wet, standing in the shower, and staring at what amounted to what? Was it a death threat? Was it a warning? Was it a deranged ranting from my drug-addled brother? I pounded on the wall, the vehemence of how I punched it shocking me, even as I did it.
When I could get my hands to stop shaking enough to manage the act, I took a screenshot of the message Justin sent and sent it to Michael. Maybe Zeke didn’t have to know, so Layla didn’t have to know. I leaned against the side of my shower. The water hit me but no longer felt so wonderful or soothing.
Chapter 10
I leaned against the car and watched as people entered the party. Silently, I made note of who attended. The turnout was good, and I swallowed some of my anxiety away as I saw it. They’d go in, eat—or pretend to—mingle, check each other out, write checks, and leave. That was okay. That was all I needed them to do.
I’d threatened, cajoled, flirted, and practically begged to get some of them there. I’d called in favors, but so help me, I would have gone and dragged people out of their apartments if I’d had to. This would be my last party. I knew that. I’d done what I could, but I was old news now.
Funny…I didn’t feel any different.
My phone dinged, and I looked down at it. Where are you? It was Max. Shouldn’t you be here?
We’d had some back and forth over text for the last day, mostly about Star Trek. It was fun to talk to him about it. And not being in the room together meant we didn’t have to address the elephant in it with us—the sex in the back of the car.
Well, I tried to come in, but your maître d’ is under strict directions to not let me enter. So I’m outside in the car watching to see who arrives.
What? His response came fast. Fuck. I’m sorry. Old rule. I’m correcting it.
The door to the side opened, and Max poked his head out. Lightning flashed in the sky. It wasn’t raining yet, but it felt like it was about to start. That feeling in my bones said that rain was coming. If I’d doubted the sensation, the lightning confirmed it. That was okay. It would keep people inside, writing checks and eating.
“Hope.” Max looked up. “Come in before you get wet.”
I strode toward him, looking over my shoulder at my guards. More and more lately, I wanted them to stay in the car. I guessed technically they shouldn’t do that, but they’d let me have privacy at the hospital, and it looked like they’d do the same today. Maybe they got it. There was being careful and then there was choking to death from too much attention. Maybe choking was wrong. Maybe it would be more accurate to think about being smothered.
By the time I got inside, the first drops had started to hit the pavement. “Just made it.”
His smile was huge as he stared at me. “Why didn’t you call or text that you couldn’t get in?”
The sound of the crowd laughing in the back reached my ears. That was a good sign. This was the afternoon, and they were drinking like it was dinner. Phew. Things were working out. “Oh, I don’t know. I’ve been thrown out of here once before. Maybe your dislike for Spock warred so intensely with my love of him that you’ve banned me again.”
His grin grew. “You’re fantastic, smart, and beautiful. And also wrong. It’s Kirk’s show.”
I rolled my eyes. “Think of it as a buddy drama.”
Max took my hand, and I inhaled all of the deliciousness wafting through the air while we walked to the center of the kitchen. Anna looked up from where she seared something and nodded to me. “Hope.”
Dano smiled at me. “Hope.”
Max pointed at him. “Aha. I knew it was you. I knew it.”
I shook my head. “I have no idea what you’re talking about and neither does he.”
Max narrowed his gaze. “I will find out, I p
romise you that.”
“No, you won’t,” Anna called out to him. “And I like the stuff she gets us, so don’t fuck this up. Also, she’s nicer than you are. I’m changing allegiances.”
Just then, the door to the kitchen opened and the staff of about ten turned to regard the people who entered. It was my client, Muffy, and her son, Tim, who really had no business being here. Where was his nanny? He was dressed like he attended the opera, in a little suit with a bowtie. His expression seemed very serious for a child.
Muffy paid no attention to him at all. “Oh, Hope dear, here you are. This is wonderful. And the chef! I’m hearing from that Amanda Hill that you two are a thing. I’ll forgive you for not telling me because this event is such a hit.”
She squealed on the last word. Yes, Amanda was there. I’d almost barred her from coming, but her presence drew attention to the event and some guests called to ask if they could come because Amanda would be there. The celebrity gossip blogger had become a celebrity herself, which I imagined was sort of the point. She made money the more people wanted to watch her.
I could certainly understand trying to use notoriety to one’s advantage. The difference being that I hadn’t asked for mine, I’d just capitalized on it. She’d actively sought notoriety by saying mean things all of the time.
I smiled at Muffy. This would be the end of our relationship. Funny how sometimes you knew when it meant goodbye. Sometimes there was sadness. This was not one of those times.
Max visibly tensed next to me. It dawned on me, maybe too slowly, that chefs really didn’t like people in their kitchens uninvited.
“Muffy, have you met Max?”
As they made their introductions and he managed to stay polite, I bent over to talk to Tim. He looked lost, standing there with all the tall adults running around the kitchen. “You doing okay?”
He shook his head. “Hungry.”
Well, that broke my heart in two. “There is so much food out there. You don’t want any of it? Where is your nanny?”
Muffy groaned. “She quit. Ran off with one of the doormen in the building. I’m having a hard time replacing her.”
Redheaded Redemption (Redheads Book 2) Page 11
