by Sam Horn
What is the Therapist’s Tool? It involves reflecting what someone has said in an effort to help them confirm, clarify, and pursue their train of thought. Therapists don’t argue with what’s being said; they simply acknowledge it by paraphrasing it with upward inflection.
If a patient tells a therapist, “I don’t have any friends,” a therapist wouldn’t object by saying, “Surely you have at least one friend.” Instead of making the patient better that attempted reality check would come across as further evidence that no one really understands how he feels.
A therapist tries to help patients explore and express how they feel. Therapists accomplish this by mirroring what’s being said rather than by minimizing it. In the case of our lonely patient, the therapist might reflect back the essence of what the patient said with: “You feel like you don’t have any friends?”
The client would elaborate: “Yeah, I work in an office with more than a hundred people and no one even talks to me unless it’s about business. It’s like I’m a nonperson.”
Once again, rather than trying to solve their problem for them, a therapist would just restate what has been said. “So, you feel the people at your job don’t pay much attention to you?”
“Yeah, if you’re not a member of the in-crowd, it’s like you don’t exist. I’m all alone even though I’m surrounded by people.”
Notice how paraphrasing back what the unhappy person says helps her unload it without judgment. She gets to SHARE how she feels without being told how she SHOULD feel. She gets to express what she’s feeling without being told she has no right or reason to feel that way. She’s allowed to go deep into what she’s been experiencing and continue the catharsis of how she feels rejected and lonely.
The word catharsis means the “elimination or purging of a complex emotion [i.e., fear] by bringing it to consciousness and affording it expression.” By paraphrasing what patients say without trying to cheer them up or solve their problems, therapists help clients become conscious of what is bothering them. Once people have a chance to express it, they are then (and only then) ready to look at what to do about it.
Mirror, Don’t Minimize
“For most people, the opposite of talking isn’t listening; it’s waiting.” – Fran Liebowitz
My son Andrew, who had to wear prescription glasses when he was ten, provided me with an opportunity to practice the Therapist’s Tool.
Andrew trudged out of the optometrist’s office, tears in his eyes and announced, “I look like a geek!”
I wanted to minimize his embarrassment by saying, “You don’t either. You look fine.” However, those words meant to console him would have contradicted him.
Rather than trying to reassure him, I simply mirrored what he’d said: “You don’t like the way your new glasses look?”
He wailed, “All the kids at school are going to laugh at me.”
BTF (Before Tongue Fu!®) I might have tried to soothe him. “Andrew, don’t be silly. Your classmates probably won’t even notice you’re wearing glasses.” My attempt to be objective would only have alienated him. My efforts to support him would have shut him down.
Instead I paraphrased: “You’re afraid your classmates are going to tease you about your glasses?”
“Yeah. Why do I have to wear these ugly things, anyway?”
My first impulse was to say rationally, “You need them to see better.” However, emotion is irrational and doesn’t respond to logic. Any attempt to explain why he had to wear glasses would have produced annoyance, not enlightenment. Rather than trying to reason with him, I articulated his wishes: “So you wish you didn’t have to wear glasses?”
“Yeah.” He sighed and continued to work through his feelings.
When we got home, Andrew got out of the van, impulsively gave me a hug and said, “Thanks, Mom.” I asked, “What for?” He shrugged and said, “You know.” I think what he was saying was “Thank you for listening and not lecturing. Thank you for hearing me, not hassling me.”
Don’t Parrot, Paraphrase
“Were we fully to understand the reasons for other people’s behavior, it would all make sense.” – Sigmund Freud
Barbara, one of my workshop participants, took exception to the idea of reflecting. “If my staff members came to me with their troubles and I repeat what they said word for word, they’d look at me like I was crazy and exclaim, ‘That’s what I just said!’ ”
I said, “Thanks for bringing this up. That’s why it’s crucial for us to paraphrase rather than parrot. Parroting what someone’s just said, repeating it word for word, backfires because it seems condescending or patronizing. Paraphrasing is using our own words to capture the essence of what someone has said. It is simply a way of feeding back our understanding of what they just said so they know we ‘got it.’ “
Barbara persisted, “Doesn’t this paraphrasing get in the way of someone who just wants to vent?”
“It actually does the opposite. When someone’s upset, they want to feel heard. Feeding back what they said doesn’t offend them, it delights them. It means you care enough to understand how they feel and you’re checking in with them to make sure you got it right.”
Barbara’s questions had provided me with the perfect opportunity to introduce this important proverb: “Rules make good servants and poor masters.”
I said, “The Therapist’s Tool of paraphrasing (and the other techniques in this book) are servants, not masters. They are not universal panaceas, guaranteed to work every time with everyone. It is unrealistic to speak in absolutes.”
Please think of Tongue Fu!® as a banquet of ideas. Take from it what’s appropriate for each situation. If you’re waiting on ten people, you may not have the time or interest to talk each one through his or her troubles. If you don’t have a relationship with someone, you may not care enough hear her concerns. And sometime, people really do want action, not empathy. If that’s the case, the techniques outlined in Chapter 4, “End Complaints Instantly,” will help you deal with those scenarios.
People Have A Right To Feel What They Feel – Without Being Told They’re Wrong
“You can’t reason someone out of something they weren’t reasoned into.” – Jonathan Swift
The next time people close to you are unhappy, remember you can’t reason their anxiety or unhappiness away. Take the time to feed back what they’re feeling instead of trying to fast-forward them through it. After they’ve had a chance to express their feelings, ask what they want to happen. Instead of explaining why they have to do something they don’t want to do, (which will only increase their resistance), give them a chance to articulate what they would wish for.
A woman was thoughtful enough to report her success with this idea. “My daughter came home from her first soccer practice and announced she wanted to quit the team. I was stunned because soccer is her favorite sport. She’s been looking forward to it ever since last season. I was about to say, ‘You can’t mean that!’ when I remembered the story about your son.
“Instead of telling her, ‘You’re being ridiculous; you love soccer;’ I read between the lines and tried to guess what would have prompted her to say that. I ventured, ‘So you didn’t have a good time at soccer practice?’ and it all came out. She was upset because the coach had switched her to a defensive position. She scored a lot of goals last year and was counting on being a forward.
I was about to say, ’Well, soccer is a team sport and you can’t always play the position you want . . .’ when I remembered what you said about unhappy people wanting to feel heard, not hassled.
“I resisted the temptation to reason with her and just kept reflecting what she said. Instead of blathering, ‘Well, your coach must have had a good reason to make this decision. You need to be mature about it,’ I said, ‘So you wish you could play your old position?’
She sighed, ’Yeah, it’s really fun scoring goals.’ After a couple more exchanges, like your son, she gave me a hug and ran off to her room to jump online and t
alk to her friends. I see now why my girls used to get upset with me – even when I was trying to help them. I thought I was giving friendly advice, they thought I wasn’t listening.”
Remember, unhappy people want to get things off their chest, not be beat over the head with what they should do or feel. By reflecting what they’re saying rather than refuting it, you can help them unburden what’s bothering them. They’ll feel better and thank you for being that rarest of individuals, someone who really listens instead of lectures.
I’ll always remember a workshop participant who slapped his hand to his forehead in the middle of discussing this point and said, “Wish I’d known this last night!”
“What happened?” I asked.
“My wife’s a teacher. She came home last night, slammed her book bag down on the kitchen table and said, “I quit.”
“Guess what I said? ‘You can’t quit – we’ve got a mortgage to pay.’ Yikes. Another night on the couch.”
After we all stopped laughing, he continued. “I can see where things might have worked out better if I had said, ‘You feel like quitting?’ She probably would have told me how she feels unappreciated because she goes in early, stays late, pays for supplies out of her own pocket and really extends herself on behalf of her students. Now I know to say, ‘So, you feel unappreciated?’ instead of ‘What are you talking about?! Those kids love you.’ I can see now that I thought I was being supportive … she thought I wasn’t listening.” He said with a smile, “You just may have saved our marriage.”
Actually, he’s right. Learning to listen, instead of lecture, can save relationships because what we want most from our loved ones is for them to know how we feel and to care about it.
How Can I Be A Better Listener?
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when he’d rather be anywhere else.” Len Wein, Comic
Are you thinking, “I agree with the essence of these ideas; but HOW do I become a better listener?”
One of the best ways to figure out how to be a better listener is to think of someone who really listens to you. What makes that person such a good listener? How do they make you feel when they gift you with their undivided attention? How do you feel about them?
I’m going to guess that out of the hundreds of people you know, you may be able to think of only one or two who really listen to you. It’s that rare. Do you realize that concentrating completely on someone is the single best thing you can do to make that person feel … significant?
Giving someone our full focus is a way of saying, “You’re the most important thing in my world right now.” Yet many of us are so busy we rarely give our total attention to anyone. Misunderstandings, mistakes, hurt feelings, conflicts, and disagreements result from this failure to listen.
In the upcoming chapters, I outline more ways to really listen to people. By following these suggestions, you can often prevent people from becoming argumentative because they’ll have what they want—your ears. These techniques can also help you soothe someone who’s already upset.
How? People become difficult in order to capture your attention. When people realize their urgent message isn’t getting through to you, they will use more forceful behavior in an attempt to motivate you to give them your full attention. They might yell, use strong language or get in your face to force you to acknowledge how upset they are.
When you give someone who is upset your “ears,” they will usually lower their voice and become more rational because they no longer need to resort to histrionics to get you to notice them. As physicist Sir Isaac Newton noted, “If I have ever made any valuable discoveries, it has been owing more to patient attention, than to any other talent.” Patient attention can help you discover the real reasons behind someone’s anger, and you’ll be halfway to erasing it.
Dedicate yourself to getting good at this skill, and you can improve every relationship you have. You will be a better boss, parent, employee, spouse, sibling, and friend. Remember how you feel about that person who really listens to you? Aren’t you grateful for his or her presence in your life? Commit to doing this for other people, and they will hold you in the same high regard.
Careless Listening Causes Conflicts
“Conversations in the United States are a competitive exercise in which the first person to draw a breath is considered the listener.”- Nathan Miller
Yikes. As pointed out, many people don’t listen, they just wait for their turn to talk. It can be challenging to put our thoughts on hold when we feel something so intensely we’re eager to express it. It may feel like the other person is getting in the way of what we want to say.
Pilots sometimes call this being “stuck on transmit.” It’s mechanically impossible for pilots to send and receive a radio transmission at the same time. They must talk, then listen; talk, then listen.
Use this image of a two-way radio to turn the “competition” of a conversation into a more satisfying two-way communication. The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent for good reason.
It’s not just your mouth that needs to be quiet. Your mind needs to turn itself over to what the other person is saying instead of thinking what you want to say next. Imagine yourself pressing an over-and-out button when you finish talking, and giving your full attention to the incoming message. Silently absorb every word. Only after the other party has finished and signed off do you sign on and respond.
Activate Your Interest with the Three “L’s”
“I have found there is no substitute for paying attention.” – Dianne Sawyer
I’ll always remember a dinner I had with my sons Tom and Andrew. We were discussing weekend plans and I could see that Tom was distracted. I said, “Tom, are you listening to me?”
“Sure Mom, you have my undevoted attention.”
Out of the mouths of teens! Would you like to know how to give someone your undivided (vs. undevoted) attention? The Three L’s can help you override distraction. The secret is not to wait until you feel like listening. Face it; you may never want to hear this person’s perspective. You’ve heard the expression “Listen up”? You can activate your interest by listening up with these three steps.
Look at the other person. M. Scott Peck says, “You cannot truly listen to anyone and do anything else at the same time.” Put down your cell phone or turn away from what you’re working on. Place your papers and pen on the desk. These body movements say, “This can wait. You are more important.” Such actions on your part indicate, physically and psychologically, that he is your top priority.
Lift your eyebrows, establish eye contact, and put an expression of interest on your face. If your face is slack, your level of interest will be the same. If your eyes wander, your mind will too. The simple act of focusing on the other person’s face and raising your eyebrows counteracts lethargy and activates your curiosity.
Lean forward and adopt an attentive posture so you’re (literally and figuratively) on the edge of your seat. By leaning slightly toward him, you have just said with your body language, “I am here for you.”
He won’t want or need to yell at you because you’re so obviously extending yourself. By reaching out to the other person, you have made it difficult for him to be difficult.
Learn To Listen, Listen To Learn
“I remind myself every morning: Nothing I say this day will teach me anything. If I’m going to learn, I must do it by listening.” Larry King, broadcaster
After one program a participant came up to me and said, “I never realized how much my body language was alienating my employees. I’ve always prided myself on having an open-door policy. I didn’t realize until today that my door might have been open, but my mind has been closed.
“When my employees want to talk with me, I’m often in the middle of something. Without realizing it, I’ve been treating them as an unwelcome interruption. I’ll look up from what I’m doing and ask rather impatiently, ‘Yes?’ My abrupt manner translates to ‘You’re
bothering me. Hurry up and let me get back to work.’ When I return to the office, I’m going to schedule Listening Hours between ten and eleven and three and four so I’m not distractedly trying to field questions throughout the day while juggling urgent demands and deadlines. During those designated hours, I’ll put everything else aside and make my employees and their concerns my first priority.”
I complimented the woman for vowing to be more mindful of her staff and told her about a survey that asked employees from a wide variety of industries this one question: “Do you like your boss?” The results were surprising. Respondents who replied, “Yes, I like my boss,” said the number one reason why was “He/she listens to me.” Guess what reason was most frequently given for not liking your boss? “He/she doesn’t listen to me.”
Give People Your Undivided Attention
“My wife used to talk to herself. Well, she thought I was listening.” - Ron Dentinger
In real life, people know when we’re not listening. They will sense that we are distracted and interpret this as a lack of interest. Often they will stop trying to communicate because they’ve concluded that there’s no point to it, or they may increase the intensity of what they’re saying to win back your attention.
This wise manager understood if she didn’t set aside time to listen to her employees, they would soon feel ignored, morale would suffer, and crucial issues would go unaddressed. She was smart to welcome their feedback with “open ears” so she could learn what wasn’t working and take steps to correct it. As the saying goes, “If we don’t have time to do it right the first time, when are we going to have time to do it over again?” By paying attention up front, she’s going to avoid having to spend massive amounts of time to resolve situations that had escalated because she didn’t invest the time at the outset to listen up.
