by Sam Horn
He continued berating the boy until his dejected son could take no more. Johnny stood up to his dad and said defensively, “Dad, it was a mistake! I didn’t mean to do it; I never want to play for you again.”
The humiliated teen caught a ride home with a friend after the game and went directly upstairs to his room without speaking to his father.
Become A Coach, Not A Critic
“People hasten to judge in order to not be judged themselves.” - Albert Camus, Author
Charlie called me the next morning to talk about what had happened. He said, “I know what I said just made matters worse. But what are you supposed to say when someone makes a stupid mistake?!”
I asked Charlie, “Do you know anyone who can undo the past? If someone makes a mistake and we tell them what they should have done, they will resent us even if we’re right. In fact, they will resent us, especially if we’re right, because they can’t do anything about it.
“Strike the word should from your vocabulary. It has little or no constructive value. You’ve heard the expression lose face? Do you know what losing face is? It’s losing dignity. If we tell someone what they should have done, they feel helpless because they’re losing face and they can’t erase their error.
“When someone makes a mistake you can lash out or you can look for the lesson. Since your son can’t take back that missed pass, the only thing he can do is learn from it. Use the words “next time” or “from now on” or “in the future” to coach that mistake instead of criticize it.
"Instead of telling him, 'You shouldn’t have looked behind you,' say 'From now on, keep your eyes on the ball, no matter what.' Instead of your son obsessing about what happened and retreating or withdrawing, he can turn that embarrassing moment into a useful experience by extracting the value and moving on. Now he’s focused on how to do it better next time, instead of why he did it wrong this time.”
I ran into Charlie weeks later and he reported that not only had he apologized to his son for blowing up at him, he had stopped “shoulding” on people. “I realized that we all make mistakes and that your advice is the difference between shaming someone and shaping them. Now when someone does something wrong, I don’t shame them with the word should. I suggest how they can do it right next time or from now on.”
Look For The Lesson
“The difference between school and life? In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson.” - Tom Bodett, American Author
Imagine someone says to you, “You should have completed this paperwork first.” “You should have emailed that agenda to me.” “You should have brought your car in earlier.”
Do you feel as if you’re being reprimanded? This after-the-fact advice causes resentment because the person is stating the obvious. Even if what is being suggested is true, it’s tactless. The word should is the verbal equivalent of a parent shaking an index finger at a child for messing up.
Imagine how you would feel if instead of punishing you for the past, that person focused on the future. Imagine how you would respond if the person pointed out how you could keep the error from happening again, instead of penalizing you for erring in the first place. “Next time, if you could please fill out the paperwork first, we can expedite your visit.” “In the future, could you please email the agenda to me in advance?” “From now on, if your oil light comes on, you might want to bring your car in so we can check it before your engine is damaged.”
Don’t Shame Behavior; Shape It
“Mistakes are doorways to discovery.” - Tongue Fu’ism
A participant in one workshop commented, “I think this idea of coaching instead of criticizing is an important quality of a leader.
"My first supervisor had a plaque above his desk that said, ‘All experience is education for the soul.’ He taught me that if employees do something wrong, it’s better to ask how they’re going to make it right than dwell on why they did it wrong.
“I had an opportunity to practice what I preach last week. A new employee misused one of our software programs and crashed our computer. It dropped our entire inventory. On top of that, she doubled the damage by not saving our files on the backup server. The shoulds were on the tip of my tongue: ‘You should have told us you didn’t know how to access that database,’ ‘You should have left the computer on when it crashed instead of turning it off.’
“Fortunately, my manager’s wise advice, ‘Shape, don’t shame,’ kept ringing in my head. Instead of ripping into her and making her feel worse, I asked, 'What did you learn from this?' She confessed she didn’t understand how to use the computer but had been afraid to admit it. She apologized for her costly mistake and offered to make amends. I told her I appreciated her accountability and that the best use of our time was to focus on how we could retrieve those records.
“She came into my office later that day and thanked me for the way I had handled her blunder. She volunteered to attend training classes so she wouldn’t jeopardize our system again and said, ‘If I had done something like this at my previous job, my boss would still be yelling at me. That’s one of the reasons I left that company; I couldn’t take his abusive behavior anymore. Thank you for treating me like a human being.’”
“It is a common mistake to think failure is the enemy of success,” noted Thomas J. Watson, Sr. “Failure is a teacher—a harsh one, but the best. Put failure to work for you.” The next time you or someone around you makes a mistake, put it to work for you rather than letting it work against you. Turn traumatic events into teachers and you can emerge a better, rather than a bitter, person.
Forgive Yourself Too
“I think the most dangerous word in the English language is ‘should’. I ‘should’ have done this. Or I ‘should’ do that.” - Chris Pine, American Actor
This “no shoulding” concept is also important to apply to ourselves. Mistakes are how we learn. We learn nothing by repeating something we already know. The most sophisticated parts of our brain are most active when we are making mistakes and adapting accordingly. Everything else is just repetition and memory.
Despite this necessity, some of us judge ourselves with “I should have known better. What a jerk.” “I shouldn’t have trusted her. That was a dumb move.” These are punishing self-judgments that make us feel like a failure. That’s not necessary or helpful. The next time you make a mistake, consider exchanging castigation for encouragement: “This didn’t turn out the way I planned. Next time, I’ll remember this moment and be more prepared. This experience taught me a lot.”
Action Plan - Stop “Shoulding” On People
Your child brings his report card home. You’re shocked to see he has flunked math. You didn’t have any idea he was having trouble with the subject, and you’re concerned his failing grade will affect his college eligibility. How do you talk to your son about this?
Words To Lose
You focus on the mistake and scold him for what he did wrong.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were having problems with math?”
You use the word should and try to make him ashamed of his behavior.
“You should have studied harder instead of watching so much TV.”
You use the words supposed to and punish him for his past actions.
“You’re supposed to ask your teacher for help if you don’t understand it.”
You criticize him, making him feel like a failure.
“I’m very disappointed in you for slacking off on your studies.”
Words To Use
You focus on the lesson and ask how he can do it right.
“What are you going to do to bring this grade up?”
You use the words from now on and shape his behavior.
“From now on, the TV doesn't go on until homework is finished.”
You use the words next time and prepare him for the future.
“Next time you're not sure how to complete your as
signment, please ask for help.”
You coach him, helping him extract what value he can from the situation.
“I know you’ll be responsible about your math homework.”
CHAPTER 13: TURN ORDERS INTO REQUESTS
“I don’t believe in just ordering people to do things. You have to sort of grab an oar and row with them.” - Harold S. Greneen, American Businessman, ITT Corporation
Do you know anyone who likes to be ordered around? Probably not.
Look at the following phrases: “You’ll have to call back.” “You’ll have to give me your account number before I can verify your balance.” “You’ll have to ask George.” Do you feel an internal growl upon hearing the words “You’ll have to”? Have you ever stopped to figure out why that’s so?
Turn “Have To’s” Into “Want To’s”
“A man convinced against his will ... is not convinced.” - Laurence J. Peter, Educator
From the moment you wake up to the moment you go to bed, there are only two reasons why you do anything. Think about it. We do things only because we have to or because we want to.
If you have to do something (or else you’ll suffer the consequences), you will do it. However, you may feel what I call the Three R’s: Reluctance, Resentment, and Resistance.
A workshop participant once piped up and said, “If I’m forced to do something, I’ll do it . . . with rage!” Another participant got in the spirit of things and chimed in, “I’ll do it with revenge!”)
Only when you want to do something will you take action voluntarily.
That’s why it’s so important to reframe orders into requests or recommendations. Turning a command into a suggestion moves people from a grudging have-to frame of mind to a more gracious want-to frame of mind.
Imagine how much better you would feel if someone reworded their “You’ll have to” command into a “Would you …?” question. Instead of “You’ll have to call back,” imagine hearing “She’s not in right now. Would you like to call back, or would you prefer to leave a message?”
Instead of “You’ll have to give us your account info before we can process this,” imagine how much nicer it would be to be asked, “If you could please give me your account number, I’ll be glad to look up your balance.” Rather than “You’ll have to take that up with George” wouldn’t it be better to hear, “George is in charge of this project. If you’d like to call him at this number, he can fill you in on what’s happening.”
Autonomy is defined as “self-directing freedom,” or “the quality or state of being self-governing.” Everyone wants to be autonomous, and no one appreciates being controlled. In the examples above, notice how the questions give you the right to make up your own mind, the freedom to choose your own course of action. You will be more likely to cooperate because you feel you’re in control.
Treat People With Respect And They’ll Be More Likely To Treat You With Respect
“Common courtesy . . . isn’t.”—Tongue Fu’ism
A workshop attendee spoke up and asked, “What if they don’t have a choice? I’m not going to ask my employees if they could please attend the orientation. It’s not an option, it’s an order.” Another participant added his opinion: “If I gave my son a choice about cleaning his room, it would never happen.”
These are great points and certainly something to consider. When something needs to be done the choice isn’t in whether or not it happens - so, the choice becomes how it happens. If you have a mandatory orientation for new employees, offer more than one way for them to complete the task. “The mandatory orientation for new employees is coming up. New employees are eligible to start work as soon as they attend this orientation. Would you like to attend the one on Friday or wait until the one next week?”
If your son needs to clean his room you can say: “We agree that your room needs to be clean before you go out with friends. Want to get started at the end of this TV program or get a jump on it now?” The key is that both options are equally acceptable so you are comfortable with whichever option they choose. The other person feels more freedom because, instead of being given an ultimatum, they have some autonomy.
As with other techniques in this book, this idea is a servant, not a master. Certainly there are times when you must take control and tell people what to do; however, it is in everyone’s best interest to communicate those requirements with respect. If you articulate commands in a polite way, people will often choose to comply because they’re being treated with courtesy. When you take the time to phrase an order thoughtfully, people are more likely to accept your authority. They’ll be motivated to cooperate because the rule is being presented as a respectful request, rather than being rammed down their throat.
Give People Autonomy Options
“There will always be someone else with a different view than you. I appreciate them and would never say that they are wrong. I hope that they would give me the courtesy also.” - Melissa Etheridge, Singer Songwriter
Look at these before and after examples. See how rephrasing a distasteful demand can make it easier to digest?
Order
“You have to work with Vern on this project.”
“You have to take out the trash before you can play with your buddies.”
“You have to go to the permit office to pick up that form, and then bring it back for our signature.”
Request/Recommendation
“Could you please coordinate with Vern on this report?”
“If you could please carry out the garbage first, you’re then free to play with your friends.”
“The permit office is on the third floor. If you could get the form there and then bring it back, we’ll be glad to approve it.”
A secretary wrote to say her manager had attended my workshop and had taken this idea to heart. She had worked for this aggressive individual for years and said his gruff style and habit of barking orders had worn thin. He presented her with a long to-do list every morning, and throughout the day would call out instructions: “Get Manuel’s phone number for me.” “Angie, I need that agenda in ten minutes.” “Bring me those blueprints.”
She said, “The day after your program, he wrote on the top of my to-do list, “Angie, could you please…’ and then bulleted the tasks that needed to be done. Instead of yelling at me from his office, he’d buzz the intercom and ask, ‘Could you please get Manuel’s phone number for me?’ ‘Could you please prepare the agenda for this afternoon’s meeting?’ or ‘Can you bring in the blueprints, please?’ A couple of times he actually got up and came to my desk to make his request.
“I was stunned by this turnaround. I finally asked what was going on, and he explained about Words to Lose/Use. Your course motivated him to evaluate how he was communicating with his staff and his family. He realized that over the years he had become so accustomed to being the boss that he had fallen into the habit of bossing around everyone within earshot. He was man enough to realize his dictatorial style had alienated the people who worked for him and lived with him. To his credit, he decided it wasn’t too late to teach an old dog new tricks, and he’s making a conscious effort to be more courteous. Believe me, it’s made working for him a lot more enjoyable.”
Stop Nagging; Start Requesting
“Complaining is just a negative request. Why not just make the request?” – Diane Sawyer
Parents and partners sometimes fall into the habit of following their kids or spouse around, “reminding” them of what needs to be done and when. However well intended, this comes across as nagging.
“You have to find something for show-and-tell tomorrow.” “You need to practice the piano so you’re ready for that recital.” “You’d better get gas tonight, the gauge is on empty.” “You have to take care of the plants soon, they’re wilting.” Although these reminders are meant to be helpful, they come across as reproofs. Recipients of this unsolicited advice will bristle and mentally drag their feet in complying.
&n
bsp; A more sophisticated approach is to facilitate self-discovery by asking leading questions that help them Socratically arrive at the action to be taken. Socrates believed the best way to teach was not to tell the right answer, i.e., 2 + 2 = 4. It was to aid self-discovery by asking for the right answer, i.e., ”What’s 2 + 2?”
This requires forethought; however it is the difference between being an educator and an autocrat. The Latin root of the word educate means to draw out. “What are you going to take for show-and-tell?” “How’s your music coming along for the recital?” “Is there enough gas to get you to work in the morning?” “Do you think the plants need watering?”
See how these queries elicit action in a “kinder, gentler” fashion? From now on, direct with dignity. Instead of arrogantly doing others’ thinking for them, which at some level they will resent, aid them in developing and drawing their own conclusions. This is especially important with teens, who are often hyper-sensitive to adults telling them what to do. Instead of telling your son, “You better wear your coat today; it’s cold outside,” ask “Do you want to wear your coat today? It’s cold outside.” Posing questions about what he might want to do rather telling him what he ought to do will give him the autonomy he craves.
Action Plan To Turn Orders into Requests
You have been appointed volunteer coordinator for a soup kitchen sponsored by a group you belong to. You must make sure everyone knows what to do and how to do it. How do you handle this role?
