by Janet Preece
‘Waking up from a coma, the patient can be very protracted and may have setbacks. Julie may well be muddled and confused and will need a lot of support,’ the doctor explained.
‘Julie, it’s me, Dan,’ he said, holding her hand and looking into her blank eyes.
◆ ◆ ◆
In the days and weeks that followed Julie seemed agitated and confused, irritated by the constant noise around her. So many unrecognisable doctors, nurses, carers constantly monitoring her progress, pushing her to respond. Dan could see that the effort was all too much. She wanted to close her eyes and sleep. So tired, always so tired.
She didn’t remember Dan at all in the early days. Further assessments had shown Julie’s motor skills to be normal, her communication slow but improving, but her cognitive and memory issues significant and ‘cause for concern’. Much to Tommy’s disappointment, his mum didn’t return home for Christmas but instead went on to a neurological rehabilitation centre, where she stayed for a further three months until the doctors were satisfied that she was making physical and mental progress. She was still confused, paranoid and suffering from severe mood swings, but the doctors said some of this would be down to the medication they were using to build up her strength. Her movement was limited, and she had severe, possibly irreversible concussion, but they all kept hoping, knowing she’d already beat the odds once by coming back to them.
Dan continued his visits, which became more regular as winter turned to spring, and the older boys were able to make the journey independently by bus. They tried alternating so that their mother could have at least one visitor each day. Julie’s friends weren’t so reliable. They’d made all the right noises but when it came to putting promises into action, they didn’t follow through. They’re just uncomfortable, Dan thought. It’s understandable they don’t visit, she wouldn’t know them anyway. He wished Rachel would answer his calls but her phone just went to voicemail every time, switched off. Or blocking my calls? Come on Rachel, forget about us, step up and support your old friend. He assumed she was holding a grudge, knowing that Dan had abandoned her and returned to his wife. Social media messages would have been easy to find between the school mums gossiping about the accident and ‘Dan’s unwavering love and commitment’, ‘he’s such a saint sticking by her,’ and the like. Yep, he’d read the messages, but he didn’t feel worthy of their praise. He had a lot of making up to do.
Although awkward around the family too at first, Julie took on the role of actress, pretending to be the person they told her she was. Dan knew it, but was grateful as it made it easier on the kids. She acted the part until it all became more natural. Julie formed a new persona and eventually started to believe that was the person she was. Let her believe, if it brings her back to us, Dan thought.
‘Mummy’s body just isn’t working properly yet. She’s still a bit sleepy,’ he explained to Tommy when they returned home, grateful that their bond made him feel safe and loved despite his mother’s intermittent rejection.
Finally, one day she reached out to Tommy for a hug, initiating the embrace. He was an innocent child, so affectionate and easy to love and he’d made her more receptive. The day she hugged them back was the day of her release.
Tommy had been hit the hardest when she left, understandably, as he was the baby of the family. He’d kicked off at first but slowly transferred his affection to Dan, who had relished every moment. He couldn’t help but feel a pang of jealousy that he would likely lose that affection once she returned home. Share his love, there’s room for both of you, he told himself repeatedly, but he didn’t really believe it.
When the day came, the children’s excitement was infectious. He couldn’t wait to reunite her with familiar surroundings, if only to put an end to clinical visiting hours and the false reserve he’d had to endure in the ‘safe’ environment. Often he’d struggled to hold his tongue, but when she was home, they could return to normal, he hoped. It would be a slow process, they were reminded, but they were all willing to put in the effort, what other choice was there? Dan felt he’d been given a second chance, nothing short of a miracle and whether he loved her or not, he needed to make things work, he owed it to her.
Chapter Twenty-Six
JULIE
As the car slowed to a stop, Julie looked out of the window, her world a blank. She saw the familiar faces of Jack and William, already out of the house, running down the driveway towards her, Tommy squeezing her hand in the car seat next to her.
‘It’s so exciting!’ he squealed.
Is it? So, apparently, I’m a city girl?
She looked up at the cream pebbledash semi-detached house, it didn’t scream character or neglect, or most notably, welcome. The path was uneven, tree roots from the overgrown magnolia had twisted their way free of their flowerbed and caused root heave and damage into the pavement beyond. It was their responsibility to trim it back, but through their neglect it wasn’t just their family that was now suffering but those around them. She looked past the tree to the front door, the porch cracks patched up with filler, nobody had cared to use a matching colour or even a similar tone to the original workmanship, causing the appearance to look shoddy, decayed. There was nothing welcoming, nothing familiar that said ‘home’. She thought she would have some memory on arrival, but was disappointed.
Dan had walked around to open her car door but as he stood arm outstretched, she froze, unable to walk, unwilling to believe this was her life. The moment passed unnoticed. It was easy to blame hesitation on her body, it’s still not functioning properly. She grabbed onto Dan’s arm and let him support her as she hobbled up the path, stopping midway to provide the expected hug for Jack and William en route. She could feel the love and warmth of their arms as they closed around her, their smell so familiar, aiding her memory and triggering the emotion that had led her back to them. She hadn’t felt the same way towards Dan, yet, but supposed that too would come back in time.
Julie spent the first few days looking back through photo albums on Jack’s computer, grateful he was so addicted to snapping every moment on his mobile phone. She’d seen little videos of herself and the rest of the family. It was like watching a movie about somebody else, mostly, but some things triggered feelings and she was ready to immerse herself in all they could show her. They’d had a happy life by all accounts; a lot of laughter, a lot of eating by the size of her – or had her body just wasted away due to the coma?
She was home at last, feeling better day by day, week by week, physically and mentally able to confront the days, but more than anything she wished for a little time to herself. Privacy. She’d had none in the hospital, or the rehabilitation centre with constant intrusions, but now, in her own home it was what she wanted more than anything. Time to focus, to grieve for the woman she had once been and move on, if she couldn’t bring her memories back.
Dan was wonderful, encouraging, caring and so supportive. As the weeks passed, she grew fond of him and finally, bravely, gave herself to him. She was shy at first, imagining her wedding night would have been similar; she kept her clothes on to cover her scars. Their bodies knew what to do; they remembered each other and responded with muscle memory rather than love. He was quiet, timid, reserved, perhaps fearful that he would hurt her after all the trauma she had been through. It’s OK, I want this. I’m not going to break. She tried to reassure him that she remembered their love and wanted to rekindle all that they had lost, but it took him a long time to relax.
◆ ◆ ◆
‘Julie, I’ve been thinking it might be a good time for me to return to work now you’re back on your feet? Dan said, interrupting the silence as they lay clammy on the scrunched-up bedding. She looked at him, trying to read more into it. How had their lovemaking led to this? Was he leaving her?
‘Only if you’re OK with it,’ he added, sensing her disappointment while reaching for the duvet to cover her now shivering body. He s
eemed to be avoiding her gaze.
‘We could really do with the extra money,’ he went on, knowing she’d been worrying about the financial burden the hospital “incident” had placed on her family. ‘What do you think?’
Julie reached over and draped her arms around his neck, pulling him back to bed, kissing him, trapping him, refusing to let him go. ‘Do you have to? I feel like we’ve just got back from our honeymoon! I’ll miss you so much! What am I supposed to do all day while you’re at work?’
He smiled back as he pushed the hair out of her face, enjoying her scent as he leaned down to kiss her neck. ‘I love you, Mrs. Summers,’ he said, knowing he’d won.
‘Hmm, do you think I’m such a pushover?’
He flipped her over, onto her front, and proceeded to massage her shoulders, back, lower and lower, making her squirm.
‘Okay, fine. Go on then, back to work, but don’t go working every hour God sends, or you’ll miss out on all of this!’ She kicked the duvet to the floor and watched his amused face. Despite her scarring from the accident, her body was taut, tanned and very much the tantalising teaser she knew he couldn’t resist. She’d spent much of her recovery time outside, welcoming the sun on her skin as the seasons changed, feeling an affinity with nature and enjoying helping out in the garden. Then, when she had properly reunited with Dan, they had been like newlyweds, rediscovering each other after what he told her had been over twenty years of marriage. Julie was content, so pleased the life she had come back to was a paradise in comparison with how it could have been. That was most of the time, except, now and then, she felt a shudder of unease. She wasn’t whole without her memories, her new self a fake creation based on video moments and social media’s smiling pictures. Where was the depth? Without a best friend to share things with, who had she talked to? Dan said she had been all about family and she couldn’t help but find this disappointing, that Dan was her only biased confidante.
◆ ◆ ◆
On returning from the hospital a mere forty-five kilograms, she had been unable to fit into her old clothes, instead borrowing some of William’s trousers and wearing her own tops that hung on her like pillowcases. But as she spent more time outside taking spring walks, gardening, running after Tommy, slowly, her body shape changed, and she became stronger, more confident.
‘Will they give you your old job back? Are you sure that’s what you want to do?’ She’d asked him, unable to imagine Dan travelling to London every day to do an office job – so boring when he could be out in the fields tending to crops in the country. That would be her dream, one day.
‘I think so,’ he replied. ‘When you had “time out”, Reese and Sons were really supportive, let me have time off to look after the kids. They’re very family-oriented, and I think I’m officially still on sabbatical, so…’
She’d switched off. That phrase, “time out”, it made her shudder. She wouldn’t just up and leave, would she? Though Dan said it had come totally out of the blue, without warning she couldn’t help but wonder if he was hiding something, protecting her from reality. She’d been enjoying life, he told her, starting out on new adventures, even begun to write something or other – he wasn’t very clear on the details – and then, suddenly, she just vanished. Julie couldn’t help but wonder if her amnesia had begun before the accident and was the cause of her disappearance. Maybe her brain had momentarily shut down, early onset Alzheimer’s or something similar. The doctors had said no, but they didn’t have all the answers. Perhaps that was also the cause of her accident. On paper, she’d never had any driving issues before that fateful day, so why had it happened? Maybe it was because she was driving a hire car – the reason why was a mystery to them all, along with the fact no car company came knocking on their door to reclaim the write-off fees.
Nobody had the answers; they were locked inside her head.
‘Well, no time like the present! I’m going off to London, see them face-to-face, better chance of appealing to their compassionate side.’ He blew her a kiss and grabbed for his suit jacket, taking his briefcase just in case. He wouldn’t need a coat – the weather was warming nicely – and he had a spring in his step.
‘Bye, Mum! By, Dad!’ Jack shouted up the stairs.
‘Have a lovely day,’ William added.
She enjoyed the daily routine, the older boys leaving together for school. They seemed to get on so well. Had they always been like that? She couldn’t remember any teenage tantrums. That’s a relief.
Tommy was as loving as ever, enjoying taking on a nurturing role-reversal as he nursed Julie, his “wounded soldier” back to health. He was ready early for the walk to school, bringing her stick for Julie to lean on and hook her arm through his. The mums at the school gate seemed friendly, ‘Good morning, Julie!’ flying about from every direction. She wondered if she had been good friends with any of them before. If she was in a cynical mood, she might have thought they were looking at her as the news story she was.
On returning home, the house was too quiet. Julie’s ears were ringing with the silence until she put the radio on, white noise to drown out the thoughts buzzing around senselessly in her head. She opened her wardrobe and started to pull out dresses, tops, trousers – so many things that clearly wouldn’t fit. How long had she had them? She noticed in pictures from years before that she had lost a fair bit of weight while in the hospital, not altogether a bad thing by all accounts. Her body had quite literally laid there comatose, wasting away. What if she hadn’t woken up? What if she’d just stayed there indefinitely, a human skeleton, decrepit. How long until Dan and the boys lost interest, stopped caring, wished for her to give up so they could move on with their lives; it made her shudder to think. How lucky she had been to make it through, she’d obviously done something right in a previous life.
Looking down at the heap of crumpled grey clothes she had accumulated on the floor, Julie felt sad. Is this what her life had been? Nothing extraordinary there, just blending into the background. Well, things need to change. It was high time she injected some colour into her life, out with the old and all that. With renewed vigour she grabbed hanger after hanger, ripping the fabric and throwing it with renewed gusto, tearing buttons from shirts, enjoying their fight-back as they tried to cling on, knowing this was their last chance to avoid the inferno that was threatening. The mountain just needed one little match and it would be gone. Wiped from existence.
Drifting into her quiet place, she thought about the match, an extra-long match, its furry end itching to be rubbed along its home. Safe within, yet once outside its world, one tiny scratch and the power of fire. Julie wondered, one tiny spark and say goodbye to that life, the beautiful mesmerising fire. Flames of passion, heat, warning, and on the flip-side release, freedom, escape. She wondered a moment too long… say goodbye to this life, she thought calmly, her breathing shallow with possibility. Why does everything have to be so hard?
A new song playing on the radio brought her back to the present, her eyes focusing once more on the giant mess-mountain of polyester that needed to be disposed of. What a waste, that was her life. Empty. Gone. Sliding the door closed, she felt it pull off its hinges, nipping her finger and making her curse, at the same time exposing Dan’s side of the wardrobe. She propped the door back on with a struggle and looked through his clothes, leaning in to smell the fabric, reminding her of fast food, BBQs and stale sweat. His suits filthy, shirts creased but in surprising variety. At first glance she would have said he was a party goer – so many floral patterns, paint swirls, even skulls and crossbows. Why was his wardrobe trendy while hers was so dowdy? Was he required to dress up for work? Who was the real Dan, she wondered.
Then, right in the corner, what is that? A long, bright, floaty dress? She felt for the label and realised the dress size wasn’t the same as her others, had he bought it for her recovery? Was he going to give it to her? It was so pretty, she felt the burning rush of
shame thinking of that match once more. How could she have considered finding a way out when Dan was working so hard to keep them together. She owed it to him to try. Pulling at the dress she uncovered three other dresses, a couple of tops and a pair of black trousers. All in the smaller size, they would fit perfectly.
She put on the slinky black and green dress, just above the knee with an asymmetrical cut. It had giant daisies all over and felt as beautiful as it looked. It was gorgeous. He’d taken the labels out and sprayed them with her perfume. At that moment she wanted to cradle his head in her arms, comfort him, tell him it would all be OK. She would try harder. She would be a good wife, make him glad he had waited for her. She put the dress carefully back into the wardrobe and slipped on an oversized vest top, some joggers and a grey hoodie. She wouldn’t ruin his surprise. She reached for her pumps and headed out the door, determined to enjoy the present and dream of a future that had been so close to being ripped away. She left her walking stick behind, no longer needed the prop there to support her.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Dan got straight back into his job, embracing the nine-to-five hours and then home like clockwork by six every night – much to the bemusement of his colleagues, who were used to the stay-late attitude of before.
Julie felt a little redundant in the evenings as Jack insisted he continue to cook. She started keeping a diary, spent her time writing as much as possible, documenting any memories that came to mind; niggling triggers that felt familiar – places, people, smells. It all helped with the slow progress towards normality, whatever that was. She tucked herself up in her room, sat on the curved window seat that still pleased her every time she looked at its perfect, snuggly fit, decorative curtains billowing either side. Her daily routine complemented the children’s gaming time; while they played, she listened to music and retreated into a world of calm, the whole family content in their little bubbles waiting for Dan’s return.
