The Enabler
Enablers are just as harmful to one’s recovery as manipulator. While manipulative people seek (consciously or otherwise) to take advantage of perceived weakness, enablers impede the healing process by allowing and in some cases encouraging addictive behavior.
Enabling behavior can be hard to identify in friends and loved ones, and harder to accept in one’s self. It is difficult to confront someone you love about something as serious as a substance abuse disorder; too often this leads to people electing to ignore the elephant in the room in order to avoid confrontation. However, avoiding the unpleasantness of intervention is not worth the possible damage caused by prolonged addiction.
The motivation behind enabling behavior vary: denial, delusion, feelings of helplessness, resentment. Any number of complicated emotions and reasoning can cause bystanders to accept, allow or even support addictive behaviors. Parents, siblings, spouses and children of people with substance abuse problems may feel obligated to help or protect their loved one during their active drug use. Afraid of the potential consequences of leaving someone vulnerable in their disease to their own devices, the closest loved ones may reason with themselves that it is better to enable this self-destructive behavior than risk the potentially fatal harm that may befall one on the streets.
Identifying the enablers in one’s life is an important step in the recovery process. Unlike manipulators, enablers have the potential to become true supporters in one’s sober living journey because their actions can often be driven by genuine care and concern. This, however, is not true for all those who enable.
Enabling behavior is defined as empowerment which “perpetuates rather than solves a problem (Khaleghi, Karen and Morteza).” Ignoring obvious symptoms of substance abuse in a loved one facilitates advancement in the disease. Rather one is unable to accept that a problem exists or they are uncaring for the suffering it insights, pretending the issue is non-existent will not negate the truth. Those in the immediate social circles of someone struggling with drug or alcohol dependency may elect to overlook obvious changes in behavior or forthright witnessing use and abuse of a mind-altering substance for a great many reasons. Conservation of one’s perception of the afflicted loved one, keeping the peace, or believing it is a constant, unchanging aspect of one’s life are just a few such reasons.
Lying in order to protect or excuse the behavior of someone living with an addiction is another form of enabling behavior. By lying, making excuses, or omitting the truth, loved ones cover for people who are in need of treatment, not shielding. When in the depths of substance abuse, lying becomes second nature. Perpetuating those lies or creating new ones to hide the reality of things may momentarily protect the loved one from judgement and ridicule, but it also prolongs the substance abuse timeframe, potentially causing additional ill effects.
To someone under the control of substance dependency, these lies seem like a favor; they are not. Recognizing that this type of enabling behavior is detrimental to one’s recovery will help to determine who should be removed and who can learn to support you in a productive, positive capacity. At the very heart of most people who enable addictive habits in people they love is authentic desire to protect and nurture; if this is the case, there is potential for both you and the enabling party to learn how to properly approach living with a substance abuse disorder.
Guilt and fear are powerful driving forces in enabling behavior, too. Feeling as though one has caused someone they love to resort to self-medication or other destructive behaviors can cause people to seek redemption. Fear of losing a loved one to addiction or the potentially fatal consequences has similar effects. In doing so, they may allow behaviors they are not comfortable with, or cover for such behavior despite understand the ramifications. Caring for someone who is debilitated due to intoxication, helping them obtain drugs or alcohol, and covering their financial shortcomings out of fear or sense of liability are all classic enabling behaviors.
On the alternative side of motives for enabling behavior is resentment and emotional hindrances. Resentment due to substance abuse often spring from misinformation and misunderstanding. Social norms dictating the way one should think about addiction and drug abuse lead to the belief that moral shortcomings or poor decision making are at fault for the plights substance abuse generates. When one believes addiction is a matter of choice, they do not understand that willpower is often not enough to overcome addiction. This false idea propagated by society has a devastating effect on people living with substance abuse disorders. The shame and stigmas assigned to people with substance abuse disorders leads only a small portion of the addicted population getting the treatment needed for recovery. When these ideas are reinforced by close family members, friends, or social groups one belongs to, it only becomes harder to admit and seek help for one’s illness.
Addiction Recovery is a learning experience for all those involved. People in recovery and the members of their support systems learn better communication and coping skills through therapy and support groups. If someone who has previously displayed enabling behavior learns efficient, impactful, and affirmative methods of aiding their loved ones, they can become a beacon of strength on the path to sober life.
It Takes a Village: Finding the Right Support System in Addiction Recovery Page 6
