by K T Grant
I stopped and face him, huddling in my coat. “I have my reasons, which I’m not comfortable explaining.”
He folded his hands in front of his stomach. “I apologize. It isn’t the right time to have this type of conversation. How about we stop in here for something warm to drink? I think you’ll enjoy The Cozy Café’s drinks. It will also give me the opportunity to ask Freddie and Glory about the menu for tomorrow night’s meet and greet.”
I stared at the building we stopped in front of. Written in bold, gold script on the window was, The Cozy Café. Inside, there were couches and chairs. There was a counter with pastries and other baked goods in a glass case. An espresso machine and coffee urns were behind the counter. Freddie, an apron wrapped around her, steamed milk.
“Freddie Koeman works here?” I asked, completely stunned she worked as a coffee barista.
“She owns the café with Glory, her cousin on her father’s side. They opened the place five years ago, and it’s become a big success. They’re supplying the desserts for the party tomorrow.” He opened the front door, and a rush of warm air hit me in the face. “Let’s go in and say hello.”
My mind went blank as I thought of some excuse why I couldn’t go inside. I peered past Father Dominic at Freddie who watched us linger in the doorway. Instead of turning around and leaving, I put on a brave smile to hide my nervousness and entered.
Soft rock music played from the speakers in the corner. Most of the tables were taken by people drinking or working on laptops. The couches were filled also, but the sofa nearest the front windows was vacant. Father Dominic motioned to the couch, and I sat in the corner while he went up the counter where Freddie stood. He took both her hands and kissed her cheek. She beamed at him and laughed at something he said. When he waved in my direction, she lost her smile.
She walked across the floor with Father Dominic and set the two menus on the table in front of me. “Hi, Cassie.”
“Hi. Nice place.” I took a menu, and opened it, pretending to read.
He sat down beside me and took off his gloves and coat. “The Cozy Café is one of my favorite places to visit in Delpoint.”
“You’re very sweet, Father,” Freddie said with a much more welcoming tone.
I lowered the menu and caught her staring at me. I hated the tension between us. I didn’t want to feel the constant anxiety every time we were in the same room or we had to interact with one another. I wiped my damp palms on my jeans and took a good look around, widening my eyes in wonder. “Congratulations. Father Dominic told me you open the café five years ago with your cousin. I remember when we were in high school and you mentioned you had a dream of opening a place like this.” I peeked down at the drink side of the menu and my smile widened as I spotted the hot chocolate special. “You even have your homemade hot chocolate on the menu.”
“Ah, yeah.” Freddie shifted from right to left, clearly uncomfortable. She was a chocolate addict, or had been. My stomach rumbled at the idea of hot chocolate made personally by her.
“It’s been forever since I had hot chocolate, so I’ll have that and a….” I scanned the page for a treat. “Caramel pecan biscotti.”
“You want extra whipped cream on your chocolate?” Freddie tapped her chin with her pen. “Remember that one time you finished off a can of whipped cream because I dared you to?”
I giggled and rocked back in my seat. We had been fourteen, and I had slept over at her house. We ended up making ice cream sundaes, and I added as much whipped cream as I could to the top of my sundae. Let’s just say, for most of the night I clutched my stomach because of horrible cramping. Freddie never made fun of me but lay with me in bed, even going as far as to rub my stomach and help me to the bathroom to throw up.
“I can’t believe you still remember that.” I cupped my cheeks and groaned.
“I remember all the things we did together,” she said in a soft voice.
Father Dominic cleared his throat. “Hot chocolate sounds good. I’ll have the same.”
She wrote on her pad, peering back at me with a much warmer look than when I arrived. She repeated our order back to us and then moved behind the counter.
“Perhaps you two can catch up while you’re here,” Father Dominic said.
Freddie bent down and opened the small metal refrigerator behind her. When she rose, she lifted a long canister and shook it, wiggling her eyebrows. I rolled my eyes at her and snickered. She pressed down on the nozzle, and some white fluff coated her finger, which she licked off.
I swallowed and studied my lap, my appetite for Freddie’s whipped cream increasing by the second.
***
I sat outside on the bench in front of the café, hugging my chest. The cold air didn’t bother me. I had lasted at least an hour inside, trying to ignore Freddie who had gone out of her way to not only serve us our drinks, but continued making conversation. Most of it was about tomorrow night and the food she would bring to the meet and greet. I didn’t really participate, but Father Dominic wanted my input. Freddie did also, and, at one point, sat down next to me, close enough our legs touched. That was when I made an excuse to use the bathroom. When I came back out, a group came in and talked to Father Dominic. Freddie had disappeared, and my phone pinged with a text message. Wanting air, I went outside.
Bianca had left a handful of texts saying she missed me and wanted me to call her later tonight. I tapped my phone on my chin. I could continue to ignore her messages and calls. But she wouldn’t get the hint and might even come here to talk to me in person. The only reason she would come here would be to bring me back to Boston.
Now more than ever, I had to end her manipulative influence over me. It had gone on long enough.
I stroked my thumb over the touch screen, ready to turn off my phone. The door to the café opened and Freddie walked out without a coat on. She sat down next to me without a word and, pulling out a plastic lighter from her pants pocket, lit up a slim black cigarette.
“You smoke now?” I waved at the sweet smelling smoke she exhaled.
“I started smoking cloves my sophomore year of college. It helps me deal with stress.” She held out the pack. “You look like you need one.”
“I don’t smoke. It’s a dirty habit.” I curled my lip.
She took another drag. “Maybe I like being dirty.”
“What the fuck does that mean?”
She inhaled too fast and coughed. “I can’t believe you, Miss New England Hoity-Toity, just said fuck.”
I sat up straighter and waved the smoke away from my face. “Would you mind smoking elsewhere? I’m not keen on inhaling your tobacco.”
“My bad.” She took one more hit then dropped the cigarette, stamping it out with the heel of her boot.
“Thank you.” I slid my phone back in my purse, observing the cars driving by.
She crossed one leg over the other and twisted her eyebrow ring around. “Did you enjoy the hot chocolate I made you?”
“It was delicious.” I glanced back through the window where Father Dominic talked with a group at one of the tables. “Father Dominic liked his also.”
“He prefers tea. I’m glad he tried something new because of you.” She dropped her arm along the back of the bench.
One of her fingers caught the side of my arm. Whether by accident or on purpose, I didn’t react. Freddie didn’t acknowledge the touch either.
“You must be freezing without your coat.” I rubbed my arms for emphasis as I checked out her long-sleeved black shirt with a silver coffee mug in the middle of her chest and The Cozy Café written above it.
She shrugged. “I get overheated running around taking orders and making drinks. I don’t mind the cold.”
“You’ve created something special here.” I wanted to say how proud I was of her but didn’t. She had mentioned back in school how she wanted to open her own business like her parents and her older brother. I’d rather not bring up the past since we were still not on the best of te
rms.
“I couldn’t have opened the café without Glory and help from my parents. It’s too bad you weren’t here for the grand opening a few years ago.” She sounded more sad than bitter.
What could I say to that? Even if I’d known about the opening then, I probably wouldn’t have attended. I had started a new life in Boston with someone I thought I would be with forever and have a wonderful future with regardless of how I hurt Freddie in the process. Now, everything I’d thought I wanted had come crashing down. Maybe this was karma at work for the horrible way I had treated the woman next to me.
“What’s going on in that head of yours?” she asked.
When she touched my shoulder, I jerked and sat closer to the edge of my seat. We were entering uncomfortable territory. There was no way I would tell her what was going on with me and Bianca. It wouldn’t be a surprise if Freddie ended up saying, “I told you so,” and found pleasure in my playing the victim.
“I ah…I’m just worried about Grandma. But on the bright side, she was much better this morning. Father Dominic stopped in and convinced me to go to the singles event at the church tomorrow night.” I grimaced. “I was ambushed.”
She giggled. “It’s not all that bad. Even when I’m not in charge of the food and drinks, I still go. It’s nice to get together with the other parishioners and singles like me.”
“You’re still a part of Sacred Heart?”
She stared at me, confused. “Why wouldn’t I be? I still go to nine o’clock mass on Sunday with my parents.”
“I just thought.…” I shook my head.
“You thought what? Just say it.” She crossed her arms across her chest, defensive and with a guarded expression.
I swallowed my trepidation, and set my hands on my knees instead of wrapping my arms around myself. This was one discussion I didn’t want to have where anyone would hear us, but Freddie wouldn’t let it go.
“I find it strange you’re still involved with the church because you’re gay.”
“Everyone I know in town accepts me for who I am. My parents don’t care, and neither does Father Dominic and the parishioners at church. I may not believe some of the church’s teachings, but I still have faith. Being Catholic is who I am.” She dropped both her feet on the ground and sat up straight, shooting me a disgusted glare.
“I don’t meant to insult you—”
“But you’re good at it, so why stop now?” She rose from the bench and took out a new clove cigarette and her lighter. “Unlike you, I don’t hide who I really am. Have you ever told your aunt or your grandma you’re a lesbian, or how you’ve been in a ten-year secret relationship with another woman who treats you like shit?”
“You have no idea what Bianca and I—”
I rocked back into the bench as Freddie slammed both her hands on my shoulders, locking me in place. She gritted her teeth and seethed while I clasped my hands to stop from thrusting her away from me. The last time she’d touched me in such anger was when I admitted I had lied and cheated on her with Bianca freshman year of college.
“You threw away something wonderful between us for that woman who has basically cut you off from everyone who has ever cared for you.” Freddie fisted her hands in my coat and hung her head low, close enough I tasted the clove on her breath.
I bit my bottom lip to stop a sob from escaping my mouth. “That’s not true. I have a nice life in Boston with Bianca—”
Freddie removed her hands and stepped back, the corner of her lip curling. She tucked her hands under her arms and stared up at the sky. “I can’t stay here and listen to you make excuses for her and your actions. I should never have put my hands on you in anger like that.”
“You’re still furious with me after all these years because of how I betrayed you.”
“Pretty much.” She ran a shaking hand through her hair. “Dammit, I should be over you, but I’m not.”
The world seemed to slow down around me. “You’re what?”
She shook her hand covered in paper and tobacco flakes she had crushed because of her emotional outburst. “You heard me. I’m—”
The front door opened and Father Dominic appeared with a small brown paper bag.
“I stayed out here with you too long.” She backed away with her hands still fisted as she stared at me, enraged.
I couldn’t bear to look at her, and stood, turning my back as I straightened my coat. She and the father shared a few words, and then the only sound was the door opening and closing.
Father Dominic came to my side, acting as if nothing awkward had happened between me and Freddie for all the world to see. “I can take you back to the hospital now.”
“Would it be okay if you dropped me off at Grandma’s house? I have to answer work emails.” I wanted to hide in my old bedroom and wallow in my misery. I deserved it for the grief I caused Freddie, whose only crime had been to love me.
He nodded and, tucking my arm through his, guided me back to his car.
***
Setting aside my laptop, I lay down on the bed, ignoring the throbbing in between my eyes. I had been staring at the monitor for over three hours without a break. I answered emails and worked on some graphic projects. I had been selfish again and found a way to ignore the current messes in my life.
My cell rang again for the second time in an hour. I cursed as Bianca’s number popped up. Argh! No more. I shut my phone down and chucked it in my suitcase instead of tossing it across the room or smashing it into the wall. Grabbing a pillow, I covered my face and screamed in it. I then slammed my heels in the mattress hard enough a shooting pain traveled up my back.
“You’re buying a new bed if you break it,” Aunt Lorraine said from the doorway.
I lowered the pillow and, pushing aside my hair, I sat against the headboard and tucked my knees to my chest. “I was just taking a break from work.” I pointed to my laptop sitting precariously on the side of the bed.
Aunt Lorraine sat near my feet and set my laptop on the floor. “Want to take a longer break? I’m cooking some Cornish hens with our names on them.”
“Sounds good to me. Sorry you witnessed my mini breakdown. I have a lot on my mind.”
“I understand all too well.” She patted my foot.
“How was Grandma when you left her?”
“Very tired. She sleeps most of the time.” She moved down to lie on her side and propped her head on her fist. “Today was a good day for her. Because of you.”
“Me?” I lay down next to her with my arm pillowing my head.
“Mom is in a better mood, and has more energy when you’re here.”
I moved onto my back and stared up at the ceiling. It had to be very hard on Aunt Lorraine who would have to pick up the pieces when Grandma was no longer here.
“You don’t think it’s morbid talking about her death?” I inhaled a shaky breath. I refused to cry.
“Dying doesn’t frighten me. It’s the events leading up to a person’s death that scare me,” she said. “I hate how my mother is suffering and in pain. I also hate how you lost your parents so young and they’re not here to see the beautiful and smart woman my niece has become.”
I let out a dry laugh. Smart and beautiful? “You have another niece I don’t know about?”
She frowned and deep grooves appeared on her forehead. “Why are you putting yourself down like that? I mean what I say. You’ve accomplished so much in your life. You should be proud of yourself.”
I sat back up and crisscrossed my legs as I stared down at my lap. “Lately I feel like one big disappointment.”
She sat up and mimicked me. Our knees bumped, and she took my hand to stop me from picking at my nails. “Want to talk about it? You can tell me anything.”
I wasn’t a communicative person by nature. When I had any doubts, I usually kept my concerns to myself. But I could tell Aunt Lorraine anything, and she wouldn’t judge. Unfortunately it had been hard to open up to her in recent years because of the dista
nce I’d inadvertently put between us by living so far away and hiding my relationship with Bianca.
“I’m second guessing myself. I’m not sure if I fit in anymore.”
“How don’t you fit in?” she asked, squeezing my hands.
“I’ve become bored with my job, and want to do more creative projects like the freelance ones I’ve been doing part-time. But it’s not enough to pay my bills. Also the last year was exhausting helping Bianca’s father run for governor.” My lips quivered as I glanced up at my aunt, ready to tell her the hidden truth I’d kept from her for so long. “Bianca and I had a horrible fight the night before you called to tell me about Grandma. She’s gotten engaged to a lawyer who works as her father’s legal counsel. She and Dale dated in high school but then broke up when she.…” I lowered my head to my chest, the words too difficult to speak.
Aunt Lorraine squeezed my nape. “Let it out.”
Those damn tears I tried to keep in check slipped down my cheeks. “We’ve been lovers since college. That’s why Freddie and I stopped talking. I cheated on Freddie with Bianca after I returned to school my sophomore year. Since then Bianca and I have been together, but as a secret. I stayed with her for so long, pretending were only friends because she refuses to acknowledge she’s gay.” I closing my eyes as my vision blurred from my tears. “I feel like I’m stuck. I did what she wanted because I didn’t want to lose her. But, now.…” I covered my face with my palms, shame punching me in the gut.
Aunt Lorraine drew me into her arms. I rested my cheek on her chest, crying softly. She brushed back the hair sticking to my cheeks and whispered my name. It should have helped, but it didn’t. And yet I stayed there and let her comfort me.
“I love you, Cassie. Your grandmother does also. We both want nothing more than for you to be happy and fulfilled in your life. I think being here now is a new beginning for you.”
“Wha-what do you mean?” I moved back, wiping my face.
My aunt’s sympathetic expression caused a fresh wave of tears to fill my eyes. All I saw in her face was love. It made me break down even more.
