by K T Grant
I lifted the shirt and held it up to my front, the hem falling to under my knees. I usually wore a T-shirt or shorts to bed, or nothing at all if Bianca—
I thrust her from my head and concentrated on other things such as the smell of cinnamon in the room, the falling snow hitting the window, and how my bones seemed to creak as I took off my towels and pulled on the nightgown.
I combed my fingers through my hair, trying to put it in some semblance of order by tucking it behind my ears, then padded across the wooden floor to find Freddie.
She stood in front of the stove, stirring a medium-sized metal pot. On the burner next to it was a smaller pan with boiling milk. She turned it down and faced me.
“It smells fantastic.”
“I’m making minestrone soup. Scones are warming in the oven,” she said, turning down the burners.
“What’s the milk for?” I asked.
“Your hot chocolate.”
“You’re making hot chocolate just for me?”
She opened the drawer above her head and took out two mugs. “I’m having some also. Grab the two bowls behind you and sit down at the kitchen table and I’ll set out our dinner.”
I wanted to pull her into my arms and hold her to me. But, if I did, I wouldn’t let her go. So I took the bowls like she instructed and sat down. Big fat snowflakes fell from the sky and stuck to the window by the table.
“Are you warm enough? You need a pair of socks?” She set the plate of scones and a mug of hot chocolate with marshmallows floating on top in front of me.
I tucked my foot under my leg, quite comfortable in what I wore in the small, toasty warm kitchen. “I’m good.” I lifted the mug and sniffed. My stomach rumbled.
After I took a sip of the chocolate, Freddie brushed my swollen cheek with her fingers. “I could kill her for marking you.”
I curled my fingers around her hand and squeezed. “Let it go for now. I want to eat and enjoy your company. We can talk about what happened between me and Bianca after.”
She squeezed me back then went over to the stove, poured the soup in a tureen, and set it in the middle of the table.
“Go ahead and serve yourself,” she directed and fixed her own hot chocolate while I poured the soup in our bowls.
She came back over and sat down across from me with her mug. She then folded her hands and bowed her head. I glanced back out the window, waiting for her to finish. She whispered an amen and I stared back at her.
“What did you pray for?” I swirled my spoon in my soup, watching the steam rise from the bowl.
“I thanked God for this food and for you here, safe.”
“I’m not sure safe is the correct word to use.” I lifted a spoonful to my mouth and blew on it.
“You’re worried Bianca might harm you or me?” Freddie asked as she picked up a scone and set it on her plate.
“I’m not sure what she’ll do.” I set my spoon back down, my stomach churning as I envisioned Bianca showing up here and attacking Freddie in order to get to me.
She cut the scone in half and placed a portion on my plate. “Stop overanalyzing what Bianca may or may not do. Now eat. You’re too skinny.”
I barked out a laugh. “It would be a shame for all this food to go to waste.”
She ate a few spoonfuls of soup and then raised her mug. “Exactly.”
I clinked my mug to hers and took a big gulp. She smiled in approval and took a sip.
***
“I’m too full too full right now to clean up. Let’s go into the living room.” Freddie stretched her arms above her head.
We had put a good dent in the scones, and I had practically licked my bowl clean, even after seconds. My rounded stomach pressing the front of the nightshirt attested to that.
I covered a yawn and pushed back my chair. The wind rattled from the windows. “It looks pretty bad outside.”
Freddie stood and held out her hand. “Good thing we’re not expected anywhere.”
“I should call my aunt and tell her where I am,” I continued to sit, not taking her hand.
“I called Lorraine while you were in the bath. I told her you’re staying with me for the night. Do you have a problem with that?”
“Ah….” I licked my lips and shook my head, not sure how to respond.
“I thought you would want company after all that’s happened recently.” She dropped her arm to her side and her forehead pinched.
“Do you mean with my grandma’s death or with Bianca?”
“Both. I want to be your friend and help you get through this rough time.”
Be my friend how? I bit the inside of my cheek to stop from blurting out that question. There was no underlying message in her statement. Or I didn’t think there was. I could ask to be certain, but how would I handle it if she rejected the idea of something more than friendship.
Freddie traced a line from my forehead to the tip of my nose. “Stop it.” She took my hand and guided me out of the chair.
I followed her without any complaint because I trusted her. I had known she would never hurt me like I had hurt her. If she could forgive me so easily, then perhaps she would help me find a way for me to forgive myself and erase the guilt I had carried for so long.
She led me over to the couch, and I sat in the corner, waiting for her to join me. The lamp furthest from the couch cast just enough light we wouldn’t be in the dark. Outside, the storm continued to beat down with no sign of stopping.
“You don’t have to go downstairs to check the café?” I asked, tucking my legs under me.
She sat facing me, crossing her legs. “Glory is taking care of it. After I called your aunt, I told Glory to close early because of the snow. She only lives a few blocks away, so she won’t get stuck.”
“That’s good to know.” I tugged the hem of the nightgown down.
The side of her mouth lifted. “You have cute knees. There’s no sense in hiding them.”
My face warmed. “Are you flirting with me?”
She hung her arm over the arm of the couch. “I always thought you were the prettiest girl in all of Delpoint.”
Now my face felt on fire. I curled my hand around the knee Freddie studied. “You were so beautiful. I mean you still are.”
“But not as beautiful as Bianca. She’s gorgeous.” She rolled her bottom lip between her teeth.
“She is, but her beauty is only skin deep. After all this time, I finally understand that.” I rested my cheek on the couch cushion and closed my eyes, as if it would block my shame, and the sorrow etched on Freddie’s face.
“But there had to be more to Bianca than her looks to keep you interested in her… to stay in love with her for so many years.”
The misery in her voice made my nose tingle as my eyes grew damp. I wiped my nose, trying to stop a sob that wanted to leap from my mouth. I’d broken down in front of Freddie once today. I didn’t want to do it again.
“I was blinded. I fell for her in a moment of weakness, not that it’s any excuse for how I ruined the amazing relationship and bond we had. Eventually, she started to show her true colors, which came to a head today when I told her I was leaving her and never wanted to see her again.”
Freddie set her palm on my cheek. I opened my eyes, blinking away my blurry vision. Damn my tears. She had moved in close enough her knees bumped mine. I stared at her chin, unable to look her full in the face.
“She tried to make you rethink your decision,” she said.
I snorted. “When I tried to leave her suite, she stopped me by slapping me and then cornering me. If I hadn’t fought, she would have—” I swallowed the bile rising in my throat.
“She would have what, Cassie?” Freddie stroked her thumb gently on the apple of my cheek.
“She probably would taken me in her bedroom and made me—” I covered my mouth, sickened by the idea Bianca would have abused me by smacking me around more than she had or going even further and forcing herself on me. She liked overp
owering me in so many ways. Most of the time she did it in bed. I had allowed it because it was exciting and made me feel desirable that only I could make her lose control in such a way.
My stomach pitched and acid climbed in my throat. I thrust Freddie away and jumped up from the couch, running toward the bathroom to make it to the toilet before I vomited all over myself.
Freddie called out my name, her footsteps slapping on the wooden floor. I gagged and started to cough right when I landed on my knees at the toilet and threw up the beautiful meal she had made.
I couldn’t stop vomiting, not even when my gagging changed to sobbing. Freddie held back my hair, rubbing my back while I expunged everything inside of me. When I finished, I folded my knees to my chest and hid my face between my legs, shamed at losing control. I didn’t want her to see me so weak, a victim because of the decisions I had made long ago.
She flushed the toilet then ran water in the sink. Soon after, a warm washcloth landed on the nape of my neck. I shuddered from the dampness, and started to shiver.
“How about you rinse out your mouth and lie down on my bed until you feel better?” she asked, sounding hoarse and surly.
“Please don’t be angry at me,” I said through barely moving lips.
“I’m angry but not at you.” She curled her hand around my upper arm. “Let’s go to my bedroom.”
“All right.” I felt too raw and exposed to argue. I rose to my feet with help. She gave me mouthwash. After I finished, she guided me to her bedroom and turned down the cover and sheets to her bed. I climbed under the sheets and drew them and the covers over my head to hide. I ended up on my side with my knees tucked to my chest.
Freddie got into the bed behind me. She curled her body around mine. Her breath warmed my neck as she nudged her nose into the crook of my shoulder like she used to do when we slept together.
“Go to sleep. I’ll keep you safe,” she said and clutched my hands in hers.
I closed my eyes, welcoming the numbing darkness that would let me escape reality for a short while.
Someone was shaking my shoulder. I thrust down the covers and sat up, gasping. I heard my name through the thumping of my heartbeat drumming in my ears.
“What?” I croaked.
“You started thrashing around and hit me in the face. You were mumbling and crying.” Freddie ran her hand over my hair.
“I had a nightmare?”
“Looks like it.” She turned on the lamp on her side.
I winced, blinded by the sudden changed of dark to light. I combed my fingers through my hair, grimacing at the beads of sweat on my cheeks and forehead. “I never have nightmares.” My hand wouldn’t stop shaking. “What the hell is wrong with me?”
“It must be all the stress you’re dealing with.” Freddie threw aside the covers and went into the bathroom.
She emerged with a glass of water and a towel and sat next to me. I took both of them, first drinking the cool water and then drying my face and back of my neck with the towel.
My hands didn’t shake as much as they had when I woke up, but vibrations ran up and down my fingers and wrists. I flexed my fingers and curled them in my palms, hoping to stop the sensation.
“You’re still agitated.” She took the glass and towel away and then drew me down in her arms. She clutched my fluttering hands in one of hers, while she ran her other palm up and down my back.
“What time is it?” I peered at the snow-crusted window, unable to tell if it still snowed or not.
“Still too early to get up.” She traced circles with the pads of her fingers along the back of my shoulders, lulling me back into drowsiness.
“I’m sorry I woke you.”
“I’m a light sleeper.” Her hand moved to the side of my neck. “Do you remember what the nightmare was about?”
“No. I can only remember not being able to breathe. It was horrible.” I shifted my leg, wishing I was brave enough to wrap myself around Freddie. It felt so right to lie with her like this, almost exactly like we used to do in high school. Many times we would spend the night together, our arms and legs entwined. Bianca didn’t like to cuddle so we rarely fell asleep curled around one another. She slept on her side with her back to me. If I wanted to hold her while we slept, I kept a light grip around her waist. She didn’t like be smothered.
“What’s wrong now?” Freddie rolled to face me.
I tucked my head under her chin and slowly curved my arm around her. I sighed, finally relaxing. “Nothing is wrong now. I was just thinking…this is nice. Feels like old times.”
She laughed and ran her finger under my earlobe. I scrunched up a shoulder and shivered, but in a completely different way.
“It was hard to sleep through the night after you left me. I was so used to you sleeping next to me. I had to get a body pillow.”
“Was it when I went away to college or…after?”
“Both. You came home for winter break freshman year with a million and one excuses why you didn’t want me to sleep over at your house, or to spend the night at mine.”
I started to move onto my back, but she pulled me flush against her then locked her knees around my leg, keeping me prisoner.
“Why did you try to put space between us just now?” she asked.
Those earnest eyes of hers had so many questions burning in them. What I was about to admit might destroy the new fragile relationship we were slowly rebuilding. But if I kept silent, my guilt would eat away at me and I would end up pushing her away. I wanted to keep Freddie this time and would do whatever I had to in order to restore her trust.
“I never told you why I was so distant that trip, and I expect you’ll be upset.” My heartbeat echoed loudly in my ears and I had difficulty swallowing. “When midterms ended, there was a lot of celebrating, especially at the fraternities. I went to a frat party because Bianca wanted me to. I ended up drinking way too much. For some reason, she wanted to take a tour of the house. She said the fraternity president had a waterbed and we should check it out. Since I had never seen a waterbed up close, we ended up lying on it. I led you to believe Bianca was the one who went after me, but I…lied. I kissed her first, and we made out. We slept there, naked. That’s how I betrayed you. When we came back for second term, we did more of the same.” I closed my eyes, unable to watch the hurt and anger in Freddie’s eyes.
She didn’t release me and leave the bed like I expected her to. Instead she exhaled loudly, as if she held her breath and needed air. She cupped my face in her hands. “Look at me.”
I shook my head. “I can’t. I don’t want to see your scorn and hate.”
“I don’t hate you, Cassandra. I never have.”
My eyes popped open. I didn’t have time to focus on her face before her mouth landed on mine.
I froze, hardly breathing as she rubbed her lips across my lips and sucked gently. Something sharp and heavy expanded in my belly.
“I was upset and disappointed by what you did.” She pressed a soft kiss on my bruised cheek.
“I wish I could turn back the clock and change everything,” I whispered, twining my fingers through her hair.
She drew back a little. “But you can’t. All you can do is move forward and not make the same mistakes.” She wrapped her arms around my shoulders, and rolled to lie on top of her, pressing my hips on hers and smiling when she moaned.
“I promise I will never, ever doing anything so callous and selfish to you again.” I clutched her tight, hoping she believed me.
“I believe you. We’ll take one day at a time and see where it goes.”
I wanted forever with Freddie, just like this moment, locked in a passionate embrace, ready to move forward from the past and welcome a future together.
She lifted the hem of my nightgown and cupped my bottom, caressing and stroking, until her skill had me weeping pleasure. I arched up and possessed her mouth with mine, reacquainting myself with her taste. She returned my kiss passionately, stroking between my
legs and the underside of my butt until I ground against her palm.
I was wanted to give pleasure rather than receive it so I sat up and took her hands. Pressing my lips to each one in turn, I set them on either side of her began a new type of kiss that started on Freddie’s mouth and moved downward until my mouth met the inside of her knee.
“Let me give this to you.” I took off her shirt and jeans as well as everything else that obstructed my view of her body. Finally, when she was naked, I lay between her thighs with my cheek on her stomach.
She just nodded and grasped my hand, holding it the entire time I loved her. My tears of joy mingled with her cries of release until we fell into an exhausted heap, entwined around one another in an embrace impossible to sever.
Chapter Twelve
“Are you sure you want to help me open this morning?” Freddie asked a second time. The first was when we got out of bed. Now we were both in the shower, the water cocooning us in a humid mist and as we took turns washing one another.
I scrubbed her back with my soapy hands. When I moved them around to her front, she collapsed in my embrace, twisting her head to the side to claim my mouth.
The heat between us hadn’t lessened even though we had little time to continue what had gone on into the wee hours of the morning. Freddie had little over an hour to open the café, despite the foot of snow on the ground.
I didn’t want her out of my sight. Considering her wonderful touches and generous kisses, I believed she felt the same.
“I want to spend the day with you, even if it means serving coffee. You can teach me to make a cappuccino.” I stroked her slippery inner thighs.
She twisted around and captured my hands, pressing them to the tile wall. I struggled playfully until she sucked the side of my neck. My eyes rolled up and I bit my bottom lip hard. She released my wrists and inspected between my legs with her nimble fingers.
