by Ruby Vincent
I frowned. What is happening right now?
“We did everything together,” he went on. “They couldn’t come to mine, but I went to their houses. We hung out at the Promenade. I thought we were solid.”
“What changed?”
“My mother is Naomi Grayson.”
I didn’t know where that segue was leading, but I let him talk.
“She’s used to fans hounding her, shouting at her in the street, trying to break into her dressing room, and once, sneaking past the guards and attacking her.”
“Oh my goodness,” I breathed. “Was she okay?”
“The deluded woman slapped Mom across the face for ‘breaking Antonio’s heart.’ Antonio was the character she dated in a movie.”
“Wow. I can’t imagine dealing with that.”
“Mom hates that part of her job, and when she’s home, she wants to relax and take a break from being Naomi Grayson. That’s why we’ve always had a rule that I wasn’t allowed to bring friends home. She didn’t want them fawning over her or asking for autographs.”
“Oh. Is that why you wouldn’t let me visit your house over the summer?”
“The guards wouldn’t have let you past the gate... and I didn’t want to explain why.”
“Derek.” I patted the part of him that I could easily reach—his knee. “You could have told me that. I would have understood. Your mother wants to be comfortable in her own home. I respect that.”
“There’s more to it, Zela.”
Something in his tone stilled my hand. “What do you mean?”
“I mean... once, in middle school, Mom gave in to my begging and pleading and let Mateo and Edmund stay over.”
I tensed. Somehow, I knew I wouldn’t like what was coming.
“Did they do something? Hound your mom?”
“I wish that was what they did. That night, Edmund distracted me with video games while Mateo made up something about getting a snack from the kitchen. It took me a while to notice how long he was gone.”
“Oh no, Derek. What did he do?”
Derek’s hand fisted on my shoulder. “The filthy fucking piece of shit snuck into my parent’s room and hid in the closet. When my mom came in to take a shower, not seeing the sick pervert peeking through the slats, he took pictures of her.”
My jaw worked but no sounds came out. His best friends did this?! Even imagining Adam creeping around my house, violating my mom’s privacy made my mind recoil. A friend would never do something like this.
“The pictures were all over the internet the next day. Mateo and Edmund walked into the cafeteria like they were gods. I beat them both into a two-week suspension. Not that it changed anything. Mom put on a brave face for the cameras and gave a speech about respecting women and not tolerating things like this, but at home, she cried every night for a week.”
I placed my hand over his fist. I couldn’t find the words to comfort him. I did not think there were any.
“That was it. No one she and Dad didn’t know and trust personally was allowed near our house. And because I was so easily taken in by those shits, my parents stopped trusting my judgement and wouldn’t let me spend time alone with people they hadn’t triple-checked. Not that I would have fought them, I didn’t trust anyone either.”
“Derek, nothing that happened was your fault.”
“Yes, it was,” he rasped. “I begged mom to let them stay and they did that to her. It wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t spout bullshit about her not letting me be normal. I guilted her and naked pictures of my mother ended up plastered all over the locker room. She was right to keep people away.”
“So... now you keep everyone away?” I twisted up to look at him. Derek refused to meet my eyes. “You don’t trust anyone.”
Derek was quiet for so long, I settled back into the pillow, figuring our conversation was over. Then he spoke.
“I trust you, Zela.”
I squeezed my eyes shut as Jordan’s speech came back to me.
“I know you, Zee. You don’t tell people very much about yourself, and it makes sense. You moved around so much, there was no point baring your soul to people you’d never see or speak to again. If you want Derek to open up to you, then you have to be willing to do the same. You might even have to do it first. That’s how it works.”
Well, it was Derek who did it first. He’s opening the door to what I always wanted—for us to be close. I knew at that moment if I shut that door, Derek would never open it again.
Breathing slowly, I took deep breaths and then began. “The Chesterfield Mall holds a holiday bash every year. It’s huge. There’s Santa’s workshop. Mini rides for kids. People come in from neighboring towns. Bands play. Decorations. People get dressed up. It’s a big deal and no matter where we were in the world, Mom would pack us up, put me on a plane, and we’d come home to spend Christmas with Aunt Bev and Jordan. Our Christmas celebration always included a trip to the mall.”
“Okay.” I could hear the confusion in his voice, but he didn’t interrupt.
“One year when I was six, Aunt Bev and Mom took us to the holiday bash. The place was insane with people everywhere—bumping into us and being loud, but we were having a good time. We were headed to Santa’s workshop when I saw the ice cream parlor and asked Mom if I could have some.
“Mom said no. The line was wrapping around the corner to sit on Santa’s lap and she wanted to claim our spots before he stopped for lunch. So, Aunt Bev offered to take me while she went on with J-Jordan.”
I paused as my voice broke and took a breath. I can do this. It’s time I did this.
“We got on line,” I continued after I felt stronger. “One by one, the people gave their orders and collected their cones. Finally, it was my turn and when I stepped up to the glass, I looked up and saw... my father.”
“What? Your father?”
I nodded. “My mother hated my dad and she never told me a single thing about him except for his name: Jeremy Holt. I looked up into his eyes that were so much like mine and the brownish-blond hair that peeked through his hairnet and I had a feeling. Aunt Bev said hello and called his name and I knew. I had finally found my father.”
“What did your aunt say?”
“She didn’t say anything, but I didn’t expect her to. If Mom hadn’t told me about him, why would she tell the sister she fought with more than anything? There was nothing from Aunt Bev, but Jeremy was so nice to me. He said I was the most adorable thing he had ever seen. When he asked me if I wanted pistachio ice cream like Aunt Bev, I said I hated pistachios. Jeremy scrunched up his face all funny and he said he hated it too. Last, he handed me my ice cream and winked. One wink and I knew that Jeremy recognized me. He knew that I was his daughter.
“Aunt Bev took me to a table and sat me down with my ice cream. I watched him the whole time. After a while, he disappeared into the back and then returned in his street clothes and a knitted, blue cap. He said goodbye to his coworkers... and he left.”
“What did you do?”
“I couldn’t do anything... until Aunt Bev stood and told me she had to use the bathroom. I bolted from the table the second she was gone.”
Derek put his hand back on my head. “You chased him,” he said as he ran his fingers through my hair.
“I took off in the direction he went and searched frantically for that blue cap. The loud noise and the crowd weren’t fun anymore. They pushed and knocked me about as I got more desperate. I was almost to Santa’s workshop when I finally spotted him.”
My voice got hoarser as I spoke. My tone became lower and lower and Derek leaned over me to hear. I could have stopped here, but this was having a strange effect on me. It burned me like the poison was finally leaking out.
“I screamed for him,” I whispered. “My little tiny voice calling amongst the racket of the music and the shoppers. I begged him to wait for me... his daughter... but Jeremy didn’t slow down. He only got further away from me.
“Eventual
ly, I was stopped by an elf asking where my parents were. When I got away and ran to the spot I last saw him, he was gone. I freaked out. I ran further—away from the people, further away from my family. I ended up in a nearly empty part of the mall, crying my eyes out, when a man came up to me and asked if I needed help.”
Derek’s hand stilled.
“I told him I was lost. My dad had left me and I didn’t know how to get back to my mother. I told him that and... he took me.”
“Zela?” Derek’s voice shook. “What does that mean?”
“It means he kept his kind, helpful expression on long enough to promise he’d help me find my father. He took my hand, led me outside, and ignored me when I said I wanted to go back to my mom. We were almost to his car when I started screaming.”
“Fucking hell,” Derek cried. “What— Don’t— Please, tell me he didn’t—”
“He got me all the way to his house. The whole time he said I would never see my parents again and I lived with him now. The man locked me in the basement that was to be my new room. That night, the police busted in and rescued me. Someone had seen him stuff me into his car. They got suspicious, took note of his license plate, and were the ones to run to security when they blasted through the speakers that a little girl had gone missing.
“They saved me. The man never got a chance to touch me but... after they raided the place the police found the bodies of two dead girls buried in the backyard.”
“Holy shit, Zela.” Derek bent over, pressing his forehead against my temple. He put his arm around me and squeezed me so tight I couldn’t breathe. I let him. The tears weren’t falling. Crying about what happened wasn’t how my mind chose to process the trauma. Instead, it tormented me with visions and voices from the past. Never letting me forget for a moment that one day I chased after my father and almost lost everything.
No, I wasn’t crying, but a hard pit lodged in my throat as I bared the raw, naked pain of my past for the first time to someone other than my family.
Derek was the first one I told, but as he held me and the pit loosened, I knew I had done the right thing.
It’s right that it was him, I thought. It was always meant to be him.
“I’m so sorry, Zela,” he said softly.
“It’s okay. I got back to my mother and after I told her what happened, she said that man wasn’t my father. Jeremy Holt had died years before and it was just me and her now. She was always going to be there to protect me. It’s just me and her,” I repeated.
“And me,” he said. “You have me too.”
Despite the pain swirling inside of me, I smiled. “I know I do.”
You’re mine now, I thought as I closed my eyes. You’re finally mine.
Chapter Ten
I knocked on Landon’s door the next morning. It flew open as I lifted my hand for the second knock. Landon stood in front of me with messy hair, boxers, and eyes brown and natural. He never looked cuter.
“Zela? Are you okay?” He hugged me. “I was up all night worrying about you,” he said into my neck. “What happened?”
“There’s something I need to tell you.” I put my hands on his chest and gently pushed him back. “Please, listen. You won’t want to hug me after this.”
His brows snapped together. “What are you talking about?”
I took a steadying breath. I made up my mind to do this. I walked down the hall certain that this was the right thing to do. I didn’t take into account the impact of just seeing him.
I’m going to lose you the moment I realize you’re all I want.
“Landon,” I began. “I never got over what you guys did to me in the locker room, and if I’m honest, I’ll never get over it completely. It’s going to hurt sometimes. There will be days that I’ll look at you and remember.”
“I know, Zela, and I’ll tell you every single day that I’m sorry if it’ll make things better. More than that.” He took my hands and pressed them to his chest. “I’ll show you every day that I’m sorry.”
“Landon,” I whispered. “You don’t have to. Despite everything, I’ve forgiven you. I don’t know when it happened, but somewhere along the way, I forgave you. But if we’re ever going to have something real, I have to tell you the truth.”
The words tried to stick in my throat but I forced them out. “Landon, I got back with you to make you fall for me. The whole time... my plan was to dump you and break your heart.”
Landon’s smile melted away as color drained from his face.
“I wanted to hurt you as badly as you hurt me, but I couldn’t... stop myself from falling for you... and...”
I ran out of steam. I didn’t know what else to say and Landon’s silence was not encouraging.
“I wanted you to know the truth,” I finished. “So...”
Landon did not utter a sound.
“So, I’ll go.” I turned to leave.
“Was?”
I froze. “Huh?”
“You keep saying was and wanted.” A shadow fell over me. “You wanted to hurt me. Does that mean you want something else now?”
Tensing, I swallowed hard. His tone was too even. It gave nothing away.
“Yes,” I replied.
“What do you want?”
“Landon—”
“Tell me what you want, Zela.”
“I just did.” I squeezed my eyes shut and took the leap. “I want you.”
A hand grasped my shoulder and spun me around. I didn’t have a chance to open my eyes before his lips crashed onto mine. My shock lasted a millisecond and then my arms flung around him. We kissed hot and wild and frantic. Landon stumbled back into the room, taking me with him, and kicked the door shut.
Mrs. Clancy banged on the door forty-five minutes later, sounding the warning that Landon had ten minutes to get to the lobby or the bus would leave without him. He might have answered if his mouth wasn’t busy at the time.
Eventually, we dragged ourselves out of bed, straightened up, and went downstairs in time to board the bus. I held tight to his hand, blushing at how many rules we had broken. We didn’t have sex, but Landon was absolutely right about how much I would enjoy him giving me head.
We stepped up to the bus and looked for seats. Michael rose from his seat when he saw me. My heart skipped two beats as a breath-stealing smile stole across his face and he waved us over.
I squeezed Landon’s hand. “In the spirit of honesty,” I said. “I want to be with you one hundred percent, but I may also have feelings for someone else.”
“Derek,” he stated like it was a foregone conclusion.
“No,” I ground out. “Not Derek and don’t you dare say Adam,” I added when he opened his mouth.
Landon chuckled. “I don’t care who it is. All I heard is you want to be with me one hundred percent. I’m happy to share as long as I get a piece of you.”
I buried my face in his back so he couldn’t see how hard I was smiling. I didn’t think I could be happier than I was at that moment.
“Morning, butterfly,” Michael said as I sat next to him with Landon on my other side. He trailed his finger along my thigh. “We’ll do only the slow rides today. Me and you. I won’t leave you alone.”
I bit my lip. Okay. Maybe I could be a bit happier.
THE REST OF THE TRIP was a lot less eventful. I stayed away from rollercoasters and any rides that triggered anxiety. There was no chance of staying away from hordes of tourists, but Michael kept his promise and stuck to me like glue, much to Cole’s annoyance. The need did not arise for me to burrow under his jacket again, but it was nice talking to him and getting to know him for real.
Friday night, Mom, Jordan and Aunt Bev waved from the gates as I climbed off the bus. I said goodbye to everyone and got a hug from Adam, wave from Melody, kiss from Landon, wink from Michael, and a grunt from Cole. Cole didn’t tell me to go fuck myself so I was calling that progress.
Squealing, Jordan ran and scooped me in a tight hug. “I’m pissed at y
ou for going to Orlando without me, but I hope you had a good time.”
“I’ll tell you every last detail when we’re alone,” I whispered.
“Oooh. Sounds juicy.”
Aunt Bev gave me the same strangling hug and Mom a soft peck on the forehead. Outwardly, I was happy about my trip, but inside, my heart was in turmoil.
“So you couldn’t go through with it?” Jordan asked as we stayed up in my bed. The television was on loud enough to drown us out to anyone passing by the door.
“No. My grand plan to break Landon’s heart ended with us locked in his room, spilling our guts, and stripping off our clothes. I clearly didn’t do so well with the execution.”
She snorted. “It went as well as your plan with Michael. The guy lays down and takes your punishment and then saves you from a crowd of tourists. He sounds very—and I don’t use this word lightly—gallant.”
I brought my knees to my chest and rested my chin on them. “But does it make up for what they did?”
“Only you can answer that, Zee. It’s your forgiveness to give.”
“But what would you do if you were me?”
“I’d cut their balls off.”
I barked a laugh. “Of course you would.”
“You’re not me.” She stroked my hair in a way that was reminiscent of Derek. “The important thing is if you think they’ll ever try to hurt you again. If yes, crush those feelings and stay away from them. If no...”
Jordan trailed off but she didn’t need to say more. The message was clear and it banged around in my head all weekend and up until I returned to school.
I woke early Monday morning to run with Michael. Afterward, I cleaned up and went to the Elite floor to meet up with Derek.
He growled at me as I walked inside. “Don’t be mad,” I said. “Your alarm clock was set to go off in five minutes anyway.”
“Like that’s the point.” He fell back on the bed and closed his eyes. “What is it?”
“There’s something I want to talk to you about.”
“I’m listening.”
