by E M Lindsey
Ronan sucked in a breath, then leaned forward and gathered Jonas onto his lap. It was tight fit in the little office chair, but Ronan’s hands were strong and demanding as they clung to him, and he drew Jonas in for a long, easy kiss. “I like you a lot.”
Jonas laughed against his mouth, then pulled back far enough that only their noses were touching. “I like you too. I want to think that we have a chance to make this work, but I worry.”
Ronan frowned. “About what? Besides the distance?”
“No matter what I do after this, my father’s going to do whatever it is he plans to do. And if I leave him and move here to be with you, he’ll make it worse.”
“I want to say I don’t care,” Ronan said, his hands going around Jonas’ waist tighter. “I want to say it’s worth it, but I can’t just think about myself or Parker.”
“I know,” Jonas breathed out. Just like he knew that he’d probably have to give this all up. It made his throat tight, made his face hot, and his eyes burn. “I just, um. I don’t think I’m ready to accept defeat. Not against Peter, and not with what this is between us.”
“Neither am I,” Ronan said gruffly, then leaned up and kissed him again. “For now,” he added in a soft murmur.
Jonas nodded and wouldn’t let himself think about what would come after that.
Chapter Twenty-One
Ronan wasn’t much of a romantic and definitely not much of a planner. His invitation to Jonas for dinner had been spur of the moment as he was caught up in wanting the younger man the night of the Fourth. The night was for their date, but the afternoon was meant to be business, and Ronan was having a hard time concentrating on what needed to be done.
Jonas, however, had gone into his arms easily, but just as easily slipped out of them and went into business mode as he surveyed the land for a second time and then worked on a few of his emails while Ronan finished up for the day. It was nice to work with him there, but it was hard to keep his hands to himself.
Ronan fought the urge to cross the room and take him into his arms and lose himself in Jonas’ soft, hesitant kisses, but the desire was borne out of fear that this would be over too damn soon. Every time he got comfortable, there was a stark reminder that Jonas sat in a precarious position.
It wasn’t just quitting his job and moving to Cherry Creek to be with them. Jonas would be cutting off his access to his family legacy, to his father, and he had said more than once the man was vindictive.
What Ronan really wanted was to find Peter Woods and knock him down and make him feel every single moment of pain he’d ever inflicted on Jonas. Ronan was no fool. He was aware it was years of pain, and Parker was not shy with his frustration when he brought it up the moment they were home and lying in bed together.
“His old man did a fucking number on him,” Parker said quietly into the dark surrounding them. He pushed in closer to Ronan who lay on his side, his cheek resting against Parker’s stump. Parker lifted his hand and pressed it to Ronan’s hip, like he needed to ground himself in the moment. “He wants us, but it’s going to take forever for him to feel like he’s worthy of it.”
Ronan closed his eyes then and wanted to put his fist through the wall. He felt that now, more powerful, watching the fear rise in Jonas’ eyes as he contemplated what his father could and would do to Cherry Creek. And Ronan felt like a bastard for not being brave enough to face it down and keep Jonas in spite of of the consequences.
Instead, he’d spoken the last words he meant to. ‘I want to say it’s worth it, but…’
He didn’t mean it. Not really. It was worth it. It hadn’t been long, but he had encouraged Fitz to burn his entire life to the ground to go after Antoine for a maybe, because he knew in his gut it was meant to be. He felt the rightness in Antoine and Fitz the way he’d felt it in Parker when they spoke their vows.
And he felt it now. At least, he felt the stirrings of it when he looked across the room at the other man.
“Let’s get out of here,” Ronan said, and Jonas startled in his seat.
Glancing at the clock, Jonas frowned. “Don’t you have like an hour left?”
Ronan shrugged. One of the other rangers was on call, and with no cabin bookings, he could easily sneak out early. “This place will get along just fine without me.” It took no time at all to put up his closed sign, then grabbed his cane, keys, and laptop bag. “I wanted to stop by the supermarket anyway.”
Jonas’ brows lifted. “You’re going to cook for me?”
Ronan’s cheeks burned, but he shrugged and held the door open for Jonas. “I can make a few things. Nothing fine dining, but I cooked a lot before Parker and I got married. Ramen got really old really fast.”
Jonas chuckled. “All right, I’m ready to be impressed.”
Ronan laid a hand to the small of his back and brushed a kiss to the shell of his ear. “No pressure, right?”
Jonas grinned, bright like the sun, and Ronan wanted him. “Mind if I drive? Or do you need your car?”
“I planned for you to pick me up,” Ronan said, and he followed Jonas to the little rental, throwing his stuff in the back when it was unlocked. It was roomy enough for him to keep his cane between his legs if he folded it, and he held it between his feet as he lounged back while Jonas started the engine and pulled out onto the dirt road.
“Can I ask how you’re feeling?” Jonas said after a few minutes.
Ronan blinked in surprise. “Uh, yes?”
“Just…that must get annoying, right? When you have this thing that you live with all the time? People probably ask you constantly.”
Ronan huffed. “It gets old after a while. They use it when they can’t think of anything else to say. It’s not real concern, they just want me to think they give a shit.”
Jonas bit his lip. “If I say something that makes me sound like a dickhead, will you please tell me?”
Ronan couldn’t help his laugh. He reached over and brushed his thumb along the back of Jonas’ neck where there were short, coarse curls. “I’ll tell you, but I don’t worry about it too much. And for the record, I’m feeling good. Meds are working, legs are behaving as much as they ever do. Headache’s gone. I think the universe wanted me to enjoy this date.”
Jonas went pinker. “That’s good. Um…I’m nervous though.”
“It’s just me,” Ronan said. “And I know that probably doesn’t mean much now, and I know a lot of people around here think I look unfriendly.”
“I heard someone say disgruntled lumberjack, but I wasn’t sure if they were talking about you.”
Ronan chuckled and shook his head, dropping his hand back to his lap. “Probably Collin.”
“Oh,” Jonas said and brightened with his grin. “Yeah, I could see that.”
“But I’m not any of those things. At least, not right now, not here with you.”
“Okay,” Jonas said very softly, and when he left his hand where it was, Jonas leaned into it, making Ronan smile.
The trip to the supermarket didn’t take long, even with Ronan’s slower pace. Jonas seemed amenable to almost anything Ronan offered, so he decided to throw steaks on the grill. Parker would love him for it, especially with the stack of fresh vegetables he’d char to go with them. He thought about a dessert, but it was almost unheard of these days to buy something from the supermarket if Levi or Wilder were open for business.
In the end, he was kind of hoping they could make dessert a little more physical. Jonas seemed open to all of Ronan’s touches, and he had never shied away from his kisses. Ronan did wish Parker was there to guide him, though. He had always relied on Parker when the situation was new, even as kids, and this was entirely uncharted territory.
But Jonas was soft—he was easy on Ronan in the same way Parker had always been. Being with him, talking to him, it didn’t feel like work, it felt like existing. They walked through the store with Ronan using the cart to lean on, and Jonas holding the sides, and he looked thrilled at everything Ronan put in th
e basket.
On the drive home, he didn’t talk much, just smiled and nodded as Ronan gave directions out to their place. It was the one thing he loved most about Cherry Creek. The little paradise they carved out for themselves was always kind and welcoming, on good and bad days. Everything in the house existed to make living easier on them, and behind those walls was every memory of the love of his life that truly mattered.
It felt big, letting Jonas past the threshold. It felt strange to see him standing in the middle of the living room, taking in the photos on the walls, and the books on the shelves, and the throw pillows on the sofa with his big, wide eyes. His smile was gentle, just like his hands as they reached up to curl around the back of Ronan’s neck. Just like his lips as he met Ronan for a kiss.
“Can I help with anything?” he murmured.
Ronan shrugged. “I’m going to heat the grill if you want to wash and chop the vegetables.”
“That I can do,” Jonas said, stealing one more kiss before moving away.
Jonas got to work, making himself at home in the kitchen, which made something in Ronan’s gut twist in the best way. He unloaded everything on the table, then did his best to surreptitiously snap a photo of the younger man, and he sent it to Parker.
Parker: He looks like home.
Ronan: I know. If you can get out early, come home.
Parker: This is your date.
Ronan: It can be yours too.
He put his phone in his pocket, then headed out back and got the burners going. He missed doing things the old way—the charred flavor of charcoal searing the meat was one of his favorite things, but his hands were too weak to deal with the charcoal bags anymore, and this was the only compromise he was willing to make.
Parker had set up the deck for the pair of them so everything could be used one-handed, everything could be navigated with a cane, crutches, or a wheelchair. It was their sanctuary. Pushing the screen open, Ronan came inside and, from behind, wrapped his arms around Jonas, who let out a sigh and set the knife to the side of the sink.
Laying his hands over Ronan’s, he tipped his head back and smiled at him. “This is nice. Is it always like this?”
“With Parker?” Ronan asked, chuckling into Jonas’ hair. “No. I mean, he’s not ridiculous all the time. He’s a performer.”
“I noticed.”
“He also struggles with expressing his feelings. We make a decent pair in that,” Ronan said with another laugh. “He opts for sarcasm and jokes when he doesn’t know what to say.”
“Defense mechanism?” Jonas offered.
Ronan hummed, then stepped back so he could turn Jonas in his arms. “It was a long time ago, and maybe a little now. But I think it’s more habit than anything. And I think that in spite of all these years together, we’re both still a little afraid it’s going to come crashing down.”
Jonas’ brow furrowed. “Don’t you worry about bringing someone else in, then? I mean, how often does it work with three people?”
Ronan couldn’t help another laugh, and he leaned in to drag lips over the apple of Jonas’ cheek. “It’s worked for Collin, Max, and Spencer. And frankly I don’t base the solidity of my relationships or my marriage on what works for other people. I’ve never been like other people.”
“That,” Jonas said, lifting Ronan’s hand up to kiss the top of it, “I can see.”
Ronan felt his cheeks heat. “You know, for someone who hasn’t ever really dated, you’re not so bad at this romance stuff either.”
“It wasn’t for lack of wanting,” Jonas told him and, for a moment, looked so damn sad. “I couldn’t justify bringing someone into my life when I’m still under that man’s thumb.”
“But you’re here now,” Ronan said.
Jonas nodded. “It’s worth it. I think. Figuring out a way to have this and to protect you from him. I can’t explain it.”
“I understand.” And he did. He understood it, because it had always been that way with Parker. Being with him was easy, like breathing. Loving him was just something he did. He wasn’t there yet with Jonas, but he was falling hard and fast. “I’m going to get the meat on. Bring me the veg when you’re done.”
Jonas nodded, then stepped out of Ronan’s grasp and went to finish his task. Ronan left his cane standing by the table and took careful, shuffling steps with the tray in his hands. The evening air was cool, the sun settling low behind the mountains, casting a fiery glow over the trees. He’d seen that view almost every night for most of his life, and he could spend the rest of it right there and never regret a moment lost on other things.
The meat sizzled as it hit the grill, and Ronan dragged a chair over to sit, his feet starting to tingle a bit. It felt good to take the pressure off, and it felt better when Jonas hip-checked the door and set the tray of vegetables next to the grill, then walked over and laid a hand on his arm.
“I like it out here.”
Ronan grinned and grabbed him by the arm, pulling him down to his lap. Jonas made a soft noise of surprise, but he let Ronan adjust him until they were both looking out over the porch railing. It was all new, and so different, to hold someone like this. Parker was affectionate in his own way, and it had worked for Ronan because he was stingy with his touches, and didn’t need as much physical affection.
But it was different with Jonas. It felt right to hold him like this, to nuzzle the back of his neck, to kiss him softly there. “I asked Parker to come home,” Ronan murmured, and when he felt Jonas stiffen and start to pull away, he tightened his grip. “I like it out here with you, but it’s nice with the three of us.”
At that, Jonas relaxed. “Yeah. Sorry, I just…I thought…”
“I know,” Ronan said quietly. “I know what you thought, and for the record, I’d like to run your old man down with my ATV for making you doubt yourself this much.”
Jonas laughed, but it was a little sad, and maybe even a little bitter. “It is what it is.”
Earlier, Jonas had suggested they exist just in these moments, right now, without worrying about what came next. And it was easier said than done, but Ronan wanted to be greedy and hoard this time, because it would get complicated, no matter what Jonas decided.
After a beat, he gently helped Jonas rise, then he pushed himself to his feet to turn the steaks. “Do you barbeque?”
Jonas chuckled and shook his head as he handed off the peppers and onions, which Ronan sat near the meat to catch some of the sizzling fat. “I’m never home. Like, ever. I have pet fish on an automatic feeder, and I pay someone to come do the tank. This is the closest to home-cooked food I’ve done in a long time.”
Ronan hated that—hated hearing that Jonas had been working himself exhausted and lonely for someone who would never appreciate him for the person he was. He wanted to drop to his knees and hold him by the hips and suck his cock until he forgot. And then he wanted to curl around him and make promises he knew he had no power to keep.
“Do me a favor?” Ronan asked instead.
Jonas smiled softly, his olive skin illuminated by the very last of fading dusk. “Anything.”
Ronan closed his eyes against that word, because it sounded so damn honest. “Grab a few plates from the cupboard. These are almost done.”
Parker’s timing was very much what Ronan expected, the man sweeping in the house with a dramatic flourish, flinging his bag and arm onto the sofa before leaning over Ronan and taking his bite of steak and peppers directly off his fork. He nuzzled into Ronan’s neck, chewing loudly, and Ronan’s gaze met Jonas’ across the table, and they both smiled.
“You didn’t wait for me,” Parker complained, voice muffled against Ronan’s skin.
He glanced across the table to Jonas, who was smiling at them softly, his fork hovering over his plate. ‘Sorry,’ he mouthed.
Jonas just softened a bit more as he watched Parker nuzzle him, then he stood up and crossed over to the other side. Putting his hand to the back of Jonas’ neck, Parker tipped Jonas�
� face up and kissed him. Ronan watched it, watched the way they melded together, and the easy slide of their lips. They’d both taste savory and rich, and Parker’s tongue would be warm as it pushed into Jonas’ mouth, demanding as it always was.
It was heady and wholly erotic to watch Parker slowly start to take someone apart. Ronan had been on the receiving end for all of his life. At most, he saw Parker flirt at school, but it never meant anything. Not like it did now.
Parker pulled back, and Ronan’s heart thumped in his chest, making him breathless and wanting as Parker stared into Jonas’ eyes. His jaw was slack, lips soft, hand petting through Jonas’ curls. Ronan couldn’t see his eyes, but he knew what they’d look like. Something like how they looked when he gazed at Ronan—but not exactly.
He struggled to take a breath, then cleared his throat. “I’m glad you’re home.”
Parker hummed and took his time dragging himself away from Jonas. He reached out with his arm, dragging the chair back, then took Ronan’s plate from him and finished off the vegetables as he looked at each man, a slow glance from left to right.
“How was your date?”
Ronan couldn’t help a laugh. “You’re home in the middle of it. We took it easy.” Saying it like that made him feel a small measure of guilt, and he looked over at Jonas, wondering if he should have gone bigger.
Parker would have. Parker would have rented out the top of the firehouse and set up a picnic under the stars. Parker would have kissed him sweetly, then slid down the pole and attempted a strip-tease if Fitz would have let him get away with it.
He would have wooed Jonas, reckless and wild, sweeping him off his feet so nothing else in the world mattered. Ronan had never been able to be that man, and for a cruel, endless second, he wondered if he was good enough.
“It was exactly what I needed.” Jonas’ voice rang out in the silence after, and Ronan felt like he could breathe again. “Also, the dinner was so good, I might never leave.”
