by E M Lindsey
Parker bit the inside of his cheek. “Great.”
As he started off, he heard Eddie’s chair shift and then his head poked through the little wall gap. “Oh, and your husband called. He said not to forget about your Skype date later.”
Parker’s cheeks immediately went hot. “Ah,” he said, glancing back.
“I think it’s sweet you two have afternoon Skype dates.”
And Eddie wasn’t wrong—he and Ronan still did romantic things, and they held hands, and they loved each other as hard now as they did the day they spoke their vows in that little courtroom. But that wasn’t what Ronan meant this time, and Parker did everything in his power to swallow down his anxiety, his want, and his fear as he made his way toward the exam room.
He’d told Kyle it was about communication—that it was about acknowledging all the ways it could go right and wrong. He just wondered if he really was brave enough to see it through.
Parker strolled through the fire station doors during his lunch, only to be stopped by Birdie’s firm hand pressing against his chest. The man’s eyebrow lifted, and he used his other hand to point at a corkboard hanging on the far wall bearing a photo of Parker that looked suspiciously like a mugshot. Black sharpie read across the top, Banned For Life.
Under that, a cellphone camera print-out of his arm, with the addendum, Him Too.
Usually, it made him smile. Usually, the imprint of his antics on this town made him feel wanted and safe. He remembered the day he was ‘officially banned’ after a beer tasting at the Tavern. The details were fuzzy but it involved breaking in through the roof, some AC vents, and cracking a kitchen counter with his body.
Fitz had thrown him out on his ass, so he snuck in later when he was sober enough to use a hot glue gun, and he attached his arm to the pole with a snarky note to all the men who dared keep him out. He got the arm back, meticulously cleaned of all traces of sticky glue, and earned himself a lifetime ban that no one really paid attention to.
Today, though, he couldn’t think straight. He was missing a piece of him with Jonas in Arizona, and he hated feeling so utterly and entirely impotent. Parker was a healer—a fixer—he was not the sort of man to let things lie, but it was impossible to do anything, and he needed his friend.
“Is Fitz here?” he asked.
At that, Birdie took a step back, his brow furrowed in concern. “In his office. You all right?”
Parker wanted to say yes and make some smart-ass remark about it. Maybe give Birdie shit for flirting with someone who was theirs, let his possessive streak take over. But he was sad. For the first time in a long time, he was sad enough that it dominated every other part of who he was.
Mostly, right then, he just wanted his best friend. “You okay if I go up?”
“Jesus. Is it Ronan? Did someone die?” Birdie asked, half panicked.
Parker managed a smile and shook his head. “Everyone’s healthy and safe. I’m just having a day.”
Birdie hesitated, then surprised him entirely by throwing his arms around Parker and pulling him into an embrace. Most of the people at the station were touchy-feely. It was never an odd sight to see them hugging or kissing each other on the cheek. They were who they were—and it was one of the things Parker loved most about this place.
But he and Birdie had never been close, and most of the people in town who weren’t in his circle of friends gave him space. It took him a moment to react, but he liked the hug. Birdie wasn’t as large as Fitz—or even Ronan, really—but he was warm, and he was kind. Parker let himself linger there against his broad chest, and he allowed himself a single moment to think that if Jonas had chosen anyone other than him and Ronan, Birdie would be good to him.
“Thanks,” Parker said, then stepped away. “Uh, I don’t know if you know, because he said you two had talked some, but Jonas had to take off.”
Realization dawned in Birdie’s eyes. “Oh. Uh. Is everything okay?”
Parker shrugged. “His dad had a stroke.”
“Oh, fuck.” Birdie’s eyes went wide. “That’s…complicated, right?”
Parker laughed, not sure how much Birdie actually knew about Jonas, and he didn’t want to offer anything that wasn’t his to give. “It is. I don’t know when—or if—he’s coming back. Anyway, I’m going to,” he thumbed toward the stairs, and Birdie let him go.
Parker could feel the man watching him as he ascended, but he was easy to ignore when he reached the landing and found his way to Fitz’s office. He could hear the rise and fall of his friend’s voice, and knew that he was on the phone, and it was probably with Antoine.
“…going to be there next weekend. Yes, and we can totally do the holidays there. Tell him to stop stressing, it’s not a big deal. Babe, my friends aren’t going to care. If I tell them, they’ll probably find a way to be annoying and come with. And yes, Parker, I know you’re standing out there.”
Parker flushed just a little, but he was smiling as he stepped into the office and hovered over Fitz’s guest chair. “Hi, Antoine,” he said loudly.
Whatever Antoine said made Fitz laugh, but he didn’t repeat it. “Yeah, I can do that. See you after my shift. Love you.” Fitz set his phone on his desk after ending the call, then got a proper look at Parker’s face and was on his feet.
“It’s nothing big,” Parker assured him, but Fitz dragged him to the little loveseat he sometimes crashed on during his over-nights, and he hustled him down until they were pressed together. “Jonas left.”
Fitz made a soft, sympathetic noise. “What happened?”
“His dad had a stroke. A bad one.” Parker sighed, a ragged, aching sound, and dragged his hand down his face. He lifted his stump as high as it would go, then he shuffled close and hooked it over Fitz’s shoulder and laid his head down on it. “He basically owns the company now.”
“That’s…bad?” Fitz asked. “Or is that good. I mean, he can stop all that bullshit, right?”
Parker closed his eyes. “I think it’s more complicated than that. Or maybe it’s not, I don’t know. But the guy was a huge dickbag. He…” but Parker stopped because it still wasn’t his place, no matter how much he loved his friend. “I feel like an asshole, but I’m glad it happened.”
Fitz let out a small sigh and shifted so his arm pressed behind Parker and wrapped around his waist. Fitz did this with Ronan too, even though Ronan had never quite reciprocated freely. It was just who Fitz was, just the man he’d grown up to be. Not in spite of his past, or his injury and his scars, and not because of it. It was just him.
“You’re not an asshole. I mean, you are,” he added, giving Parker a small shake, “but you’re not one because you love Jonas and want to protect him.”
“I don’t,” Parker started to defend, because that was true. For now. But he wasn’t stupid enough to think it wasn’t coming like a goddamn freight train. “I’m not there yet.”
“I’m not going to sit here and regurgitate all the shit you talked me through when I was struggling with Antoine,” Fitz said, his voice quiet.
“I’m not struggling with how I feel,” Parker admitted. He shuffled a little closer. “He feels right, and Ronan agrees.”
“So, what’s the problem?” Fitz urged.
Parker closed his eyes. “He’s suffering. His life hasn’t really been all that great, and he’s there by himself, and Ronan and I can’t just leave.”
“I know,” Fitz breathed out.
“I mean, with my work, and how much planning for Ronan to be able to take a trip, we can never get away. I hate that we just left him there.”
“Did he ask you to go?”
Parker looked up. “No.”
When Fitz smiled, Parker knew what he was going to say. “Then you didn’t just leave him anywhere. He probably just wants you to trust him, and he probably wants to know that you’ll be there if he asks.”
“I do, and he knows that,” Parker said.
Fitz squeezed him, then eased his grip. “Then you’re
doing all the right things. Even if it might not feel that way now.”
Parker opened his mouth to reply, but his phone buzzed on his hip and he looked down to see Eddie’s text letting him know there was an emergency at the office. “Duty calls.”
Fitz didn’t let him go right away. “It’s going to work out the way it’s supposed to. You get that, right?”
Parker blew out a puff of air and then dragged his hand down his face. “I do.”
“So breathe. In and out, and call him when you can. And when you can’t, kiss your husband and remember why you’re waiting.”
Parker nodded and let the words comfort him, feeling profoundly and intensely grateful for his best friend.
Collin, Parker’s last appointment of the day, sat patiently through the painful pinch of the anesthetic, and then through the sharp tug of stitches as Parker closed up the bitemark on his arm. It wasn’t the first time he’d see one of those men there, and it wouldn’t be the last time.
“You’re not going to give me a rabies lecture this time, are you?” Collin wondered as he flexed his fingers.
Parker rolled his eyes. “I know that little asshole isn’t rabid. He’s just a dick.” Parker said as he snipped the thread. He didn’t often use actual stitches anymore, but Robert the goat had a more vicious bite than most. Seven stitches was the most he’d done in years since the advent of glues and adhesives that took the place of what he considered a barbaric treatment. The black thread looked vicious against Collin’s pale skin, and Parker was glad to cover them up with the gauze and Coban as it stretched over his arm. “What did you do to piss him off this time?”
Collin rolled his eyes. “Stopped him from eating all the kitten food. He got a little too used to being a house pet, I think. He’s not thrilled about being left outside with the others.”
“I could see that. I’d probably bite you too,” Parker said. He rolled on his stool to the computer and began to finish the notes on Collin’s chart before sending his prescription to the pharmacy. “How uh…how’s everything else at home?”
Collin gave him a startled look. “Another rumor about us hitting the mill again, is it?”
Parker flushed, but he shook his head. “No. No, I…” The words caught in his throat. He hated that this situation with Jonas had him upside down and feeling anything but like himself. “Can I ask you something?”
“Is this about the lad everyone saw your husband kissing on the Fourth?” Collin asked, shifting off the exam table.
Parker rolled his eyes again, then didn’t meet Collin’s gaze. “He had to leave. He had this massive family thing to take care of. I thought the loving him part was going to be hard, you know? Like fitting him into this life I have with Ronan, but it was watching him leave that I don’t know if I can handle.”
Collin scratched at his beard, then took a seat in the lower chair nearest to the little computer desk. “Look, mate, I’m not a polyamory expert or anything. Max and Spencer literally fell into my lap, and before them, that wasn’t a life I would have considered. Ever. When I was married, I was one man for life. The whole vows and promises shite felt like the only thing in the world that mattered. Then he bloody left me like I never mattered, and when I fell for those two, everything made sense again.”
“It’s just harder than I expected,” Parker said, feeling almost desperate.
Collin made a sympathetic noise in the back of his throat. “How’s your husband with all of this?”
“Torn up as I am,” Parker admitted. “Both of us lost our family pretty young. I was an only child, and he never sees any of his siblings. We have Fitz, but that’s all we have. And Jonas is out there dealing with this crap, and neither of us can leave to be with him.”
“Is he coming back?”
The truth was, he didn’t know, and that’s what hurt the worst. “He says yes. That he will when he can. It’s just so damn abstract.”
“But you trust him?”
Parker nodded. “It’s probably stupid, I know. We’ve only known each other for a couple of weeks.”
“Even when it’s right, it’s not always easy, mate. My husbands and I had to work for it. They left me for a time. After we fell together, they left me thinking it was better that we part ways. It wasn’t long, but it was the most miserable two weeks of my life. I knew if I’d just said something to them, they would have at least looked back as they walked out the door, but I didn’t have the courage. I should have trusted my gut, and I didn’t.”
“This is a little more complicated than that,” Parker told him softly.
Collin chuckled. “Oh, I reckon it is, but I’m not comparing stories here, Parker. I’m saying that it’s okay to listen to what you’re feeling. Abstract time doesn’t have to be your enemy. Just don’t give up.”
Giving up wasn’t on his mind, but he was constantly afraid that he wasn’t enough to keep fighting for. Ronan was with him now, until they both took their last breath, but he hadn’t always been there. Ronan’s guilt had come first all those years ago, Parker second, and Ronan had set him aside. That hurt still lingered sometimes, because what if the problem wasn’t Ronan.
What if it was him?
What if he was the one not worth it?
Jonas was clever, and he’d see that sooner or later, and Parker would once again be forced to live with that gaping wound of missing someone who had become part of him.
“Don’t look defeated yet,” Collin said gently.
Parker nodded, then managed a smile and showed Collin out. He was the last appointment for the day, so he called for Eddie and let him know he was taking off early. “If anything comes up, I’m not on call tonight, Sabrina is. I’ll send her a text and let her know I’m out.”
“You got it, boss.” Eddie didn’t move from the doorway, and Parker huffed a sigh. “I just want to make sure you’re okay.”
Parker brandished his prosthetic in his left hand like a sword and curled the fingers around the back of Eddie’s neck, forcing him to the side. “I’m sick of people saying that.”
“Then maybe change your face, because you look sad,” Eddie pointed out.
Parker had no response to that, so he pushed past his assistant and headed for his car. He was grateful there was no one there to stop him, and he was even more grateful when he pulled up to the ranger station and saw not only the parking lot was empty of guests, but Ronan’s truck was the only one in the employee area.
He was out of the car and toward the door without really thinking about what he wanted, except that he needed Ronan close. The door slammed behind him as he walked in, and his fingers fumbled for the lock as Ronan pushed up to stand from his desk chair.
“You’re early.”
Parker didn’t answer, not with words. He strode forward with purpose in every movement of his body, and he let his arm wrap around Ronan’s waist, and he held him close. “I need you,” he finally said, his voice a little ragged. “I fucking need you. I hate this, and I didn’t ask for any of it. I didn’t ask him to come here and make me feel things, and then fucking walk away…”
“He didn’t walk away on purpose,” Ronan said quietly.
Parker growled his frustration. “I get that, but it still feels like it.”
Ronan quieted him with a palm pressed to his cheek. “I know.”
“Do you?” Parker asked. “Do you know what it’s like to have him gone and be left here with shitty, lying, invasive thoughts about you leaving me for him?”
Ronan’s eyes flared with heat as he turned Parker on his heel and backed him up toward the chair. Parker fell back against the soft leather, then made a noise of protest when Ronan went to his knees, but his husband didn’t stop, he just took his time until he was kneeling between Parker’s spread thighs.
“I do know. Do you think it was easy for me to watch you fall in love with him?”
Parker licked his lips. “I didn’t think about it. I thought you wanted it.”
Ronan chuckled darkly.
“I do want it, but it wasn’t easy. It wasn’t simple. Most of my life, those looks were mine. Those touches were mine. Alone. I was a smug, grumpy bastard because you loved me fiercely and loyally, like your affection could set the world on fire,” Ronan’s hands moved to Parker’s thighs, and he squeezed. “And that was mine and mine alone.”
“Do you regret him?” Parker asked, his voice a strangled whisper.
“No.” Ronan leaned in then, dragging one hand up until it cupped where Parker was almost painfully hard in his scrubs. “It wasn’t easy, but watching you fall for him, getting to see you love someone from the outside, is the most beautiful thing in the world.”
Parker wanted to tell Ronan what he told Fitz—that he didn’t love Jonas yet. That it was too early, that he hadn’t had enough time yet. But it was such a pointless thing to say when loving him was nothing more than inevitability. Just like it was with Ronan the day they stared each other down on their elementary school playground.
Parker was a comet, crashing into an orbit. Ronan was first, and the trajectory of that impact took him straight to Jonas, even though it took years. The three of them were tidally locked now, and Jonas could walk away, he could never come back, but it wouldn’t matter.
There was no changing this.
Parker made a startled noise when Ronan’s hands plucked at the strings cinching his scrubs tight and loosened it. His hand gripped the top of Ronan’s shoulder as his husband drew his cock out. It wasn’t all the way hard, but it was on its way, and Ronan’s sure, familiar grip stroked him until the foreskin gently pushed back away from the head.
“We can’t change this situation,” Ronan told him, meeting his gaze with steady, burning need. “We can’t undo his dad’s stroke, we can’t go into the past and force people to be kind to him. And we can’t rush any of this.”
Parker closed his eyes, his hips spasming upward a little as Ronan began to stroke him harder, fingers tighter. “I know.”
“What we can do is remind each other that nothing between us has changed. If we live the rest of our lives loving him through a computer monitor, you and I will still have this.” Ronan lifted up, and in spite of knowing it must be hurting him, Parker let himself arch up into Ronan’s waiting mouth.
