“Not for me.” Carla shrugged. “My fathers gave me everything I ever needed. They taught me everything I wanted to learn and more. They loved me with all of their hearts. If I was missing out on something, I didn’t know it. I don’t think there’s anything I’d want that my fathers didn’t give me.”
“Where are they now, love?” Hannah asked.
“They died in the storm.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry,” Hannah said, shaking her head.
Stav just lowered his eyes, for once choosing silence over a thunderous proclamation.
For a while, everyone did their chores in silence.
“They would have been proud of you, I think,” Elloriann said quietly.
“Yes,” Hannah added. “You turned out so kind, so hardworking, so friendly. If you were my child, I’d be proud. I’m sure they would be too.”
“Thank you,” Carla said, trying not to let a tear spill out into the batter.
She thought that, perhaps, this praise was not worth all that much – these people barely knew her. Stav and Hannah had met her but a day before. Elloriann knew her a little better, of course, and that was a comforting thought in and of itself.
Whether the praise was true or not, the thought of her parents being proud of her made Carla’s heart clench in a way that was both pleasant and not. She hoped they would have been proud of her, but more than anything, she wished that they were still alive.
When the pies were in the oven, Hannah and Stav started preparing dinner for the castle population. It would be a simple vegetable stew with rice and bread left over from the day before. Not much help was needed with that as all the produce had been cut in advance and now only needed to be cooked and seasoned.
Carla and Elloriann were let go for the day, with a reminder that they were always welcome in the kitchen, whether it was for help or just conversation.
They went to the dining hall, carrying some plates with them to set up for dinner. The dining hall was still mostly empty. Jo and Kay, the cleaners, waved at Carla and Elloriann when they entered, then went back to washing the windows. After setting up the plates, Carla and Ell took their seats by the fire, and Ell went about making tea.
“Where do you get the tea?” Carla asked.
“One of our traders brings it in from the market. It might be imported, I’m not sure. I guess it’s not too expensive though, since we always have it. Although, it might just be that my father really likes tea, so the traders are ordered to keep buying it. It’s cheaper to buy in bulk, so they buy enough for the main castle and the servant wing.”
“How fortunate.” Carla smiled.
“Yes. Although we just get the one kind now. Before the storm, we had different kinds of tea, with spices and herbs and flower petals. Now we just get the plain one. Still better than nothing.”
“We tried growing tea on our farm once. Didn’t really work.”
“Probably not the right climate. Rich always laments about all the things he wants to grow but can’t because the soil or the weather aren’t right.” She poured water into the pot. “Oh, I forgot to ask. How are you getting along with Rich?”
“Quite well. He has a good work ethic, and he’s very kind to me. He’s just...he’s always so sad. Even when he gets excited about something, it doesn’t last.”
“Yes, that’s what worried me most. I thought you might find him a little...upsetting to work with.”
“I don’t mind it much. If anything, it’s better than too much joy. Like Stav. Don’t get me wrong, he’s great, but I’m not sure I could be around him for a long time.”
Elloriann chuckled and nodded.
“Yes, Stav really is something. I don’t think anyone but Hannah can really take him for more than a few hours at a time.”
“Has Rich always been like this? Is that just how he is?”
“No, he wasn't always like this.” Ell poured the tea into mugs and handed one to Carla. “When the storm hit, our gardeners tried to cover the plants, protect them. We didn’t know how severe the storm would be, so they thought they could save the plants, or at least some of them. They were still out there when it got really bad, and...well, one of them didn’t make it back. Johan. He was Rich’s partner. Husband, if you will. I don’t think they were married, but they were together for 15 years.”
Carla’s mouth dropped open of its own volition.
“He must have been devastated.”
“I think he still is. He never quite got over it. They were always together, you know. All the time I’ve known them, they were never apart. Where one went, the other followed. I think that’s how relationships are for people who work together and live together. You either get tired of each other and go your separate ways, or you become so close, you almost can’t be apart anymore. Stav and Hannah are never apart. Neither were Rich and Johan. And when Johan died, I don’t think Rich really knew how to continue without him. For the first year we all weren't sure if he would even survive.”
Carla took a sip of her tea and looked into the fire.
“My parents were like that too. I never questioned it at the time, I didn’t have anything to compare it to. But they were always together. When one went into town to buy or sell something, the other became morose and quiet. Those days always felt dark, like something to wait through, not really live.” She closed her eyes and sighed. “I know it’s strange to say, but sometimes I’m glad they both died at the same time. I don’t think one could go on without the other.”
They both fell silent for a while, looking into the fire and clutching at their cooling mugs.
They both wondered how their lives would have turned out if the storm had never happened. Carla imagined herself still working on the farm, with her parents. Perhaps she would have finally let them teach her how to cook. Elloriann wondered if she’d still have to contemplate marrying cruel princes to drag her own land out of poverty. She imagined all the people that had been there when she was growing up still being in the castle, instead of scattered around the land because the royal family could no longer pay them. She wondered if she would have even met Carla. Perhaps not. Or maybe she would have, but under different circumstances. Perhaps she would have gone out to explore the far parts of Evlirone and come across a nice little farm where Carla tended to her plants, with her parents still alive and well by her side.
“This storm really ruined everything, didn’t it?” Elloriann said quietly.
“Yes,” Carla replied, her voice hoarse with unshed tears.
17
Elloriann scheduled a training session with Sal for herself and Carla.
The day before the session was to take place, Carla went into the main castle, got lost for a while, but eventually found Elloriann’s bedroom and knocked hesitantly on its door.
“Carla!” Elloriann said in surprise when she opened the door. “Come in. Is everything all right?”
“Yes,” Carla replied, walking into Elloriann’s bedroom. “I... Well, remember how you said I should have asked for your help with my welts?”
“Of course.”
“Well, I was hoping this extends to other similar requests.”
“Certainly,” she assured.
“I was just wondering if you could, maybe...cut my hair?”
“Oh.” Elloriann had not expected that. “Sure, if you want me to.”
Carla had long hair. It was a mess when Elloriann first met her, but now, with proper care and regular washing, it was becoming quite beautiful. Elloriann felt a tinge of regret at seeing it go, but she kept that feeling to herself. If Carla wanted her hair cut, that was her choice to make and no one else’s.
“I just washed it this morning, so it’s clean.”
Elloriann set a chair in the middle of the room and invited Carla to sit down. Then she found a towel to wrap around Carla’s shoulders so that the cut hair wouldn’t fall under her clothing. She rummaged around in her drawers, finding several different hairbrushes and scissors. Then she stood beh
ind Carla, uncertain of her next move.
“I’ll have to use my hairbrushes on you, is that all right?”
“Yes.”
“So...how short do you want it?” She started carefully brushing Carla’s hair, making sure not to pull or hurt her in any way.
“As short as you can make it.”
“Really? I mean...all right.”
Carla smiled, understanding Ell’s hesitance.
“It’s not as bad now, but in slavery, the hair was a terrible nuisance. I couldn’t wash or brush it properly, so it would get knotted and painful. When I could get my hands on a knife, I’d cut it off, but that was rare, and it grows fast. I never liked having it long. I’d always have Dad cut it for me once a month, at least.”
“I see.”
Elloriann felt better now that she knew Carla’s reasons. Now that she knew how much discomfort that hair had caused Carla, it didn’t seem so beautiful anymore.
She took a ribbon out of her own hair and tied it around Carla’s, close to her skull. Then she cut just above the ribbon.
As the bulk of the hair was separated from her head, Carla breathed out a sigh of relief. It had felt like an unwelcome, unnecessary weight. And now that it was gone, she felt like she’d regained another little fraction of her freedom.
“Thank you,” she said quietly.
“Do you want to keep it?” Elloriann asked, showing Carla the severed length of hair.
“No.”
“I could give it to one of our traders to sell. A wig maker could probably buy it or barter for it.”
“Sure, I don’t mind.”
“All right.” She set the hair aside carefully. “Now, do you want me to style your hair somehow? I’m not very experienced with this, so don’t expect much.”
“It’s all right.” Carla smiled. “It grows fast, so don’t worry about making it perfect. Dad used to cut it short, so it wouldn’t fall into my eyes. I don’t really care what it looks like in the back.”
That was comforting, but Elloriann still felt a little strange doing something Carla’s father used to do. Even though Carla was the one to come to her with this request, Elloriann still feared that she would somehow infringe upon a precious memory.
She brushed Carla’s hair for a while, then started cutting away little bits, hoping that she was keeping it more or less even. Then she moved to the front, carefully cutting the hair around her eyes.
It felt more intimate than it had any right to be. She was just cutting hair. And yet it felt like a forging of trust. Carla sat there with her eyes closed, allowing Elloriann to wield a sharp object around her neck and face. She didn’t need to. She could have cut her own hair, the end result probably wouldn’t have been that different. But she came to Elloriann, entrusted her to do this. And suddenly, this simple task felt like a great honor.
Carla felt a spark of sensation every time Elloriann’s fingers brushed her skin. A part of her thought that she’d made a mistake when she came to Ell with this request. But the experience was turning out to be so wonderfully pleasant, that she couldn’t bring herself to regret it, even if her thoughts were crossing some inappropriate lines right that moment.
“I think we’re done,” Elloriann said, moving away to get a mirror so Carla could look at herself.
“Oh, that was quick.” Carla swallowed down disappointment that it was over, taking the hand mirror from Elloriann’s hands to study her new style.
She looked just like she had before she was in slavery, before she left the farm, before her parents died.
“What’s wrong? Did I do it wrong?” Elloriann asked in a near-panic when she saw the utter sadness on Carla’s face.
“No, no!” Carla grabbed Ell’s hand and squeezed it reassuringly. “No, it’s perfect. It just makes me think of...before.”
“Oh.” Elloriann knew instantly what she meant.
“Thank you.” Carla looked up at Ell’s face. “Thank you, this is...good.”
“You’re welcome,” Elloriann said, still holding on to Carla’s hand.
Carla looked at herself in the mirror for a while longer.
“You know, the first time I asked my parents to cut my hair short, they hesitated. They thought I’d want to hide my face as much as possible. But I said I’d rather be comfortable than make other people comfortable by covering up something that wasn’t my fault. Or a fault at all. They were so proud. They didn’t say anything, but they looked so proud. Like I’d done something amazing. I didn’t really understand at the time why that was. It didn’t seem like a great accomplishment to me. I hadn’t even met all that many people then. Hadn’t been hurt enough times to understand why my parents thought I was doing something brave.” She looked at Elloriann’s hand in hers. “Things were simpler then.”
Elloriann stood beside Carla, holding her hand, providing comfort without saying anything. When finally Carla looked up at her with a smile, she smiled back, then carefully removed the towel from Carla’s shoulders, shaking out the little bits of hair caught in it.
“I better clean this up,” she said, giving Carla’s hand one last squeeze before letting it go.
“I’ll help.”
Elloriann didn’t really need help cleaning up a bit of hair from the floor, but she was happy to keep Carla there for a little while longer. So she handed Carla a brush, and they both started gathering up the loose hairs that seemed to somehow have gone everywhere, including the spaces under the furniture.
“Carla...” Elloriann said from where she was kneeling, brushing tiny black cuttings from under her bed.
“Yes?”
“You said your hair grows quickly. So...you’re welcome to come back any time if you need it cut again.”
“Thank you, I’d like that.”
They smiled broadly at each other and went back to cleaning.
18
The castle wasn’t the biggest to have ever been built, but it had enough space for Elloriann to always be able to find a safe place for her training sessions, where her father or his people would never find her.
One of the larger rooms was now being occupied by her and Carla. Elloriann was showing Carla some simple exercises she did before training. They stretched and warmed up their muscles for a while, waiting for Sal to arrive.
Finally, their new teacher showed up, and for a moment just stared at Carla.
“I was born like this,” Carla explained.
“Oh, I see!” Sal said with a smile. “I have a defect of my own. Got bits of both the bush and the trunk.”
“I’m sorry?” Carla stared in confusion.
“I think what Sal means to say,” Elloriann suggested, “is that they have both male and female reproductive organs.”
“That’s right.” Sal nodded. “Not all of them, just...bits and pieces.”
Carla was a little startled by being given such personal information within seconds of having met Sal. She was used to unwillingly making people feel uncomfortable when they first met her, and it was rare for the roles to be so promptly reversed. However, it appeared that this was Sal’s way of establishing camaraderie, so she wasn’t about to complain.
“Is that really a defect though?” Carla said contemplatively. “Just because most people only have the one, doesn’t mean having...a combination of both is wrong.”
“I suppose the same could be said for your face,” Sal said with a playful smile.
“I think the main problem here is that most people find it unpleasant to look at.”
“Well, that’s their problem.” Sal shrugged. “It shouldn't bother those who really care for you. My parents were really good about it, told me I could choose to be whatever I wanted. Were your parents good about your face?”
“They were, yes.”
“Good, that’s good.”
Now done with the conversation, Sal started doing some stretches.
“What did you choose?” Carla asked, hesitantly. “Boy or girl?”
She wasn't su
re she was even entitled to this information, but she wanted to understand her new teacher, to know what to call them.
“Oh, I didn’t really. To choose one or the other, I’d have to pretend that a part of me doesn't exist. That would probably work for some, but never quite felt right for me. Besides, most people in the world never have to or get to make that choice, so I've decided that I'm not going to make one either.” Sal smiled before bending down for another stretch.
“Fair point.” Carla tilted her head, absorbing the information, and slightly adjusting her general worldview. She’d never met someone like Sal before. And seeing how easily they adapted to their unconventional biology was actually sort of comforting.
Elloriann had watched the exchange with amusement, occasionally stifling giggles. The cascade of emotions that danced across Carla’s face as the conversation progressed was absolutely precious. This was also the first time Ell has ever properly met Sal, and she was liking them already. For their uncomplicated openness, if nothing else.
“All right,” Sal said cheerfully. “It’s good that you started stretching before I came. It's always good to be warmed up. We probably won’t be doing anything too difficult today though. Gerome said you want hand-to-hand, right?”
“Right,” Elloriann confirmed. “We just want to learn basic defense for now. Doesn’t matter how pretty, we just want to know how to fight off an attacker. We can go deeper later.”
“Good, good.” Sal stood with their feet shoulder-width apart and waved for Carla to come closer. “Let me show you some simple ways to hurt someone who’s coming at you.”
Carla approached carefully. Sal slowly demonstrated a few simple moves that could be used to incapacitate an attacker – striking them in the neck, kicking them between their legs, hitting them just above the stomach.
“What if they’re wearing armor?” Elloriann asked.
“If their face is open, go for the nose, like this.” Sal demonstrated how to hit someone in the nose with the heel of their hand. “If they’re all covered up, your best bet is to topple them over. Armor is good against damage, but it limits your movements. If you’re without armor, you’re defenseless, but faster, more agile. If someone in armor is holding you, move like a snake, like an eel. They’ll have a hard time matching your movements with all that metal weighing them down.”
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