by Odette Stone
She crossed her arms with a resolute air. “What’s the problem?”
I felt stunned at the lack of loyalty towards Jackson. “The problem is that Jackson has been our rock for the past week. He has catered to both of our needs, holding us up emotionally. He drove two hours in the middle of the night to come and get you after Matt’s accident. And now you're going to toss him aside because Matt got a bit emotional?”
She lifted her chin. “My son’s health is in danger. No one is going to jeopardize his recovery. Not even Jackson.”
“Jackson is part of this family. You can’t ask him to leave.”
A stubborn look crossed her face that reminded me all too much of Matt. “Yes I can and I will.”
“You’re letting your emotions cloud your judgment.”
She looked me right in the eye. “I think you're letting your emotions for Jackson cloud your judgment.”
Low blow, even for Irene. I spoke slowly, trying to choose my words carefully. “You can’t hurt one son because you want to heal your other son.”
Her nostrils flared. “Matt is the only son I have in this hospital. He’s my only priority.”
I felt so much anger and hurt on behalf of Jackson, I couldn’t even speak. “You're wrong on every single level.”
“She’s right,” Jackson’s low voice spoke from beside us. He stood there with a tray of coffees for us. His expression was impossible to read. “I'll go.”
My heart cracked when I looked at Jackson. He had emotionally stepped back so far behind a wall, all that was left behind was a man completely devoid of emotion.
“No,” I said sharply. “This is wrong.”
Jackson handed Irene the tray of coffees, and then he reached forward and kissed her on the forehead. “I want Matt to get better as much as you do. He and I will have to work on our relationship when he’s feeling stronger.”
Irene’s cheeks burned pink. She was unable to meet either of our eyes. “I'm going to check on Matt.”
We stood there until the whoosh of the heavy door shut behind her.
“I hate her,” I said with venom in my voice. “And right now I hate Matt.”
Something flickered in Jackson’s eyes. “Emily. You need to be there for them.”
But who would be there for me? I tried not to beg without avail, “Don’t go. Please don’t go.”
Green eyes looked down at my face. “Can you take care of both of them for me?”
I shook my head, fighting tears. “They don’t deserve your care or your love.”
“No,” he said gently. “It’s the other way around.”
My face crumpled. I felt so much hurt on Jackson's behalf that I almost couldn’t breathe. How much rejection and pain had this man experienced in his life that he believed he didn’t deserve their love. “Where will you go?”
“I'll be around. I have to finish my outpatient treatment.”
“You're going to be staying in New York?” My heart started to beat again.
His gaze fixated on something beyond my head. “I have another seven weeks here.”
I worked to swallow, my thoughts immediately going to my granny’s penthouse. “You need a place to stay. You can stay at my other place.”
His eyes swung back to my face. He rocked on his heels. “Not necessary.”
I started to dig through my purse for my keys frantically. “It is a full-sized penthouse with a pool and the most incredible gym. There are six bedrooms and a kitchen. Fully furnished, a nice big patio. There's even cleaning staff that comes once a week. I'll let them know you're coming. Martha can stock the kitchen. It'll be no problem.”
He rubbed the back of his neck. “Emily. I don’t need to stay there. I can find my own place.”
I pulled the keys out and my face lifted to his. I wanted him to stay there. Even if I couldn’t be near him, it would bring me a measure of comfort knowing where he was. At least for the next seven weeks.
It was incredibly manipulative, but I pulled the one string that I knew would do the trick. “It'd make me feel safe, and it would bring me comfort to know where you are. In case I need you.”
Green eyes studied my face for a long moment. And then he gave me a curt nod. “Text me the address.”
Chapter 39
After being read the riot act from Matt’s doctor, Irene and I fell into an uneasy truce. No one mentioned Jackson, and his presence had all but been erased. I, on the other hand, felt such a loss at his departure, I thought my heart was going to split.
That first night when we came home and found his room cleared out and his keys on the island, I almost burst into tears. I called Martha, and she had assured me that the penthouse was ready before he arrived.
One day bled into another. I drove Irene to the hospital, and we took turns visiting with Matt. Mostly he slept. I stole away, a couple of times during the day, to drive back to the loft and take Chloe out for potty breaks. I hated how alone the loft felt without Jackson.
Incredibly gracious and understanding, the gallery assured me that I didn’t need to return until everything was back to normal.
It was a surreal experience talking with Matt. He remembered nothing. The doctors warned me that I should not discuss Matt’s negative behavior prior to the accident. They told both Irene and I that we needed to keep him calm. When he was back on his feet, we could share some of the events that had occurred. As it was, we still hadn’t told him that he had been drinking and driving without a seatbelt.
I missed Jackson to the point of pain. There were a hundred times where I almost drove to the penthouse to see him, but I refrained from doing so. What exactly would I say to him? Jackson and I had no future. We had developed a friendship, but we had ruined it when we crossed that line that we couldn’t uncross. Now he knew the true extent of my feelings.
My face burned with shame as I recalled the look of panic and shock on his face when I had confessed to him that I loved him. Trust me. He didn’t want to see me. I was the crush that had taken things too far. I had done the unthinkable by falling for him and then telling him how I felt. He probably thanked his lucky stars that he had made an escape when he did.
Matt was a further complication. He was so innocent and happy when he saw me. He had no idea about the destruction and devastation of the past few months. All he knew was that we had gotten engaged and we were about to get married. He asked me question after question about the wedding and continually assured me that he would be on his feet and ready to walk down the aisle with me. I, on the other hand, was having more than cold feet. It felt like my entire body was encased in ice. I felt nothing. Nothing for Matt. Nothing for the wedding. It felt like I was stuck in some weird limbo that I could not get out of. So, like every other time in my life, I pretended. I pretended everything was okay.
Irene and I drove to the hospital.
“Look at all the blossoms on the trees,” Irene said, peering out the window. “It seems to have become spring almost overnight.”
“Yes,” I said. “It’s come early this year.”
“You’re going to have such beautiful weather for your wedding. It’s only six weeks away.”
I took a deep breath. “Do you think that’s a good idea?”
She looked at me sharply. “What are you talking about?”
I chewed on my bottom lip. “Well, I don’t want to push Matt. He can barely walk.”
“The wedding is the only thing he talks about. He needs this. That’s his goal for recovery. You can’t take that away from him.”
I needed to tell him that we had ended our relationship. When would he be strong enough to face that he had cheated on me and then I had cheated on him? We were running out of time. “It’s just coming so fast. I don’t even know if I can get everything ready.”
She practically ground her teeth. “Then hire a damn wedding planner. But you aren’t delaying it. Can you imagine the kind of setback that could create for him emotionally?”
I swallowed. “Okay. It was ju
st a suggestion.”
“You need to start thinking about Matt. Marriage is more about giving and less about taking. You’d be smart to remember that.”
I took a deep breath. I could do this.
Later that day, I stood in the lineup of the hospital cafeteria. My phone buzzed.
Jackson: How’s Matt doing?
I stared at the text and thought that my heart would pound through my chest.
Me: He’s getting stronger. Still struggling to walk but he’s eating and sleeping well. The doctors are pleased with his progress
Jackson: Does he remember anything?
Me: Not yet
Jackson: How are you doing?
Uh, let's see. I feel trapped. I was caught in some surreal world where I pretended everything was fine when it wasn’t. The only person who knew the truth about what had happened had left. And my heart was bleeding on my sleeve for someone who didn’t love me back and didn’t want to be with me.
Me: I'm fine. How about you?
Jackson: I'm fine
I wanted to tell Jackson that I missed him every hour of every day. That life was dreary and grey without him, and nothing had been right since he had left. I wanted to beg him to come back. That I needed him. That he was my rock and that I felt like I was falling apart without him in my life. But I had already freaked him out once with my heartfelt emotions. I didn’t need to go there again.
Me: The doctors don’t want us to talk about the last five months
Jackson: So Matt doesn’t know what he did to you?
Me: No. Nor what I did to him
Jackson: Does he still think you are engaged?
Me: Yes
I sat staring at my phone willing it to buzz again with a text, but nothing else came. I sat there until the coffees went cold, but he never texted back.
Three more days passed when another text came through.
Jackson: I think I just scared the living fuck out of your house cleaner
Me: Martha? What happened?
Jackson: She was vacuuming. I was just coming in from a run. She didn’t hear me come in and when she turned around and saw me standing there, she started screaming at me in Spanish
For the first time in what felt like weeks, I started to laugh.
Me: ha ha ha. Poor Martha. Is she okay?
Jackson: She’s fine. She insisted on making me pancakes
A huge smile ripped across my face.
Me: She worked for my granny for 37 years
Jackson: She told me. And you were right
Me: About what?
Jackson: You do have your granny’s eyes
I clutched the phone to my chest. Tears threatened to spill over.
Me: You want to see Chloe sometime? She misses you
A long pause ensued. I wasn’t sure if he was even going to respond.
Jackson: Probably not a good idea
A tear, this time, did spill over my cheek.
Me: Okay. Let me know if you change your mind
Chapter 40
Another two weeks passed. I talked to the doctor in private, explaining that I wasn't engaged to Matt and asked him when I could talk to Matt about our reality. The doctor understood the situation and was even sympathetic to my case, but he warned me that upsetting Matt, which might increase his blood pressure, could cause irreparable damage. Matt's blood vessels in his brain were still healing, and he cautioned me to hang onto my secrets for a while longer.
The staff moved Matt out of ICU and onto a general ward. He started to walk with assistance. He couldn’t walk far, but with the help of the physiotherapist, he moved his legs on his volition. Matt returned to being the witty, easy going, intelligent guy that I had agreed to marry.
It frightened me how easy it was to just slide back into our old routines. I mean, would it be so bad to marry Matt? I may not love him in that heart-pounding kind of love that I had for Jackson, but Matt was a good man, and he would be an incredible father. And it wasn’t like I was choosing between two men. Jackson had made it abundantly clear that he wasn’t interested in me in a romantic way.
When Matt had been a raging lunatic and acted deranged, I had been willing to proceed with this marriage. Now he was sweet, sensitive and kind, but I couldn't imagine moving forward.
I waited in his room while he walked around the ward.
He frowned when he saw me. “What are you doing here?”
“Visiting you,” I said lightly.
“Isn’t today Tuesday?” he looked perplexed.
“It is.”
“You have your wedding dress fitting today,” he said, wincing as he sat back down on the side of the bed. His arm that was holding onto the IV pole was trembling.
Oh shit. I completely had forgotten about that.
“Matt,” I said gently, “I don’t need to do that today. I’m going to call and cancel.”
His gaze flew up to my face. “Emily. Come on. You told me that you and Beth are meeting at the bridal store for your final fittings and then you're going out for dinner.”
“I don’t feel like it,” I said with a sigh.
He swung his legs with effort back into his bed. “You need this. You've been sitting beside my bed forever. Come on. Get dressed and get out there. You deserve a break. Take a night off with Beth.”
I stared dubiously at him. “What about you?”
He shrugged and smirked. “Well, I'll eat a delicious dinner on a blue plastic tray and then I might get adventurous and watch some TV with my mom. I think there might be a rerun of Law and Order tonight.”
I didn’t give a shit about my wedding dress fitting but the thought of spending some time with Beth sounded appealing. “Are you sure?”
He winked at me. “I’m sick of you. Get out of here.”
Two hours later, I stood in the bridal store with Beth. I stood on the podium while the seamstress yanked at my dress.
“What have you been eating?” she grunted.
I looked down at the beautiful white wedding dress. “Why?”
She stood up and yanked at the embroidered bodice. “Getting tight in the boobs and too loose in the waist.”
“I think it's fine.”
“Must be fixed,” she said in her thick accent. “Stay there, and I'll be right back.”
In the mirror, I looked like a bride. I owned the most beautiful wedding dress in the world, but I felt sick to my stomach. I was marrying the wrong man.
My hands flew to my face. And there it was. I didn’t want to marry Matt. Tears started streaming down my face.
“You know, I never really thought pink was my color but I think this particular pink makes me look very dewy and fresh,” Beth walked into the room and checked herself out in the mirror. When I didn’t answer, her eyes met mine in the reflection.
She spun around. “Emily.”
“I’m fine.”
She rushed towards me. “You're fine? Is that why you’re standing here crying?”
The seamstress came bustling back in and stopped at the look on my face. “Tears are normal for the bride. Trust me.”
That only made me cry harder. What was I doing? I couldn't marry Matt. Matt was wonderful, but Jackson owned my heart. How could I lay beside Matt on our wedding night when I would only be thinking of another man? It wasn’t fair to Matt, and it wasn't fair to me.
“I can’t do this,” I managed to speak.
Seamstress shook her head. “That’s okay. I have new measurements. You come back soon, and your dress will be perfect.”
An hour later, Beth and I sat in a booth at the back of some dimly lit bar. We wanted privacy, and I needed to talk.
“I thought things were going well for you and Matt,” Beth asked cautiously.
“They are. He’s a changed man.”
“But you love Jackson.”
I nodded in misery. “I feel like an idiot but yeah. I do.”
She twisted the coaster around in her hands. “Maybe you just need to tell
Jackson how you feel?”
I lifted my wet eyes to her. “Already did that. Right there in a big dramatic fashion in the hospital parking lot, I confessed my undying love to him.”
Her gaze went big. “What did he say?”
I shook my head. “He looked cornered. Sort of like a wild animal that was trying to gnaw off his leg out of a trap.”
She started to laugh. “It can’t have been that bad.”
“I might have been downplaying just how bad it was. Sheer panic and fear. It was written all over his face.”
She reached her hand out and covered mine. “I'm sorry.”
“I want safe. I want security. I want someone who’s going to come home every night. I want to raise a little family. I want those boring family vacations that everyone complains about. And Jackson is the exact opposite of all of that. He lives a dangerous life. He doesn’t want commitment. He doesn’t want kids. Even if I got him, he would emotionally destroy me. I couldn’t live with that kind of fear and uncertainty in my life.”
Beth gave me a funny look. “Can I ask what you love about him then?”
I swallowed hard. “That’s the irony. He makes me feel safe.”
“Well that’s a good thing, isn’t it?” she argued.
I wiped my nose with the back of my sleeve. I was a disaster doing the ugly cry in public, and I couldn’t even stop myself. “Who am I to him? He came to New York for some mysterious treatment and somehow Matt, not this Matt, but the wild Matt wanted to reconcile with him.”
“What happened between them?”
“I have no idea. But whatever it was, it wasn’t good.”
“And they never did reconcile.”
“It was like Matt wanted him there but then couldn’t deal with him being there. And Jackson was just waiting, like me, for Matt to show up every once in awhile. So Jackson and I spent time together.”
Beth gave me a sympathetic look. “And you fell for him.”
More tears fell. “It was like the perfect storm. The more aggressive Matt acted, the more protective Jackson got. And the safer I felt. It was like that situation played into all of our needs.”
