by Odette Stone
“Want to tell me what happened?” I asked Irene, who walked beside me.
“I have no idea what you are talking about.”
We finished dinner. Irene returned to the hotel and Jackson, Matt and I watched a rerun of Law and Order. My mind spun in a hundred different directions.
Irene had kicked Jackson out of the hospital and said that he wasn’t part of their family. Matt had demanded that I kick Jackson out of the penthouse and told me that he was not welcome in our lives. Now they both rolled out the red carpet for him. What baffled me, even more, was that Jackson was open to such overtures. Why would he let them treat him so poorly? It made no sense. Jackson didn't tolerate bullshit. Yet, he willingly participated in this insincere family drama. The more I thought about it, the more pissed I got.
Irene and Matt acted so selfishly. And Jackson just took it. Is this how they treated him when he was a kid? Had he been on the receiving end of such hot and cold treatment his entire life? I almost couldn’t contain my rage. I wanted to hurt Matt, but I wanted to hurt Irene more. My heart ached for Jackson who Matt privately referred to as “the charity case.” No wonder Jackson didn’t want a family. He had the worst luck of any person when it came to families. Even the family who supposedly rescued him abused him on some level. It took all my emotional control to sit there and not lose my shit.
The nurse came in and told us that visiting hours were over.
“Jack, can you make sure my girl here gets to her car safe? I would do it myself, but I'm pretty sure if something happened she would need to protect me, not the other way around,” Matt joked.
The joke fell flat in light of what had happened only a week earlier, but Jackson took the request seriously. “You bet.”
I walked to the door without looking back at Matt.
“Hey,” he called after me, probably wondering why I wasn’t saying a proper good night.
I ignored his call and started to walk rapidly down the wide hospital corridor.
Jackson caught up with me and walked easily beside me. We rode the elevator in silence, and when the door slid open I took off towards the big sliding glass doors, not caring if he kept up with me or not. Why would he let Irene and Matt treat him like a second-class citizen? He acted like everything was normal, but that was the farthest thing from the truth. I needed to get away from him. Clear my head. I couldn’t speak to him about it right now. I knew whatever would come out would be all wrong.
“Are you parked in the parking lot?”
“The overflow lot, but I can walk there myself.”
“Show me.”
We walked out into the fresh night air. I was so angry, I couldn’t speak.
“Something you want to say?”
“No,” I said tersely.
He walked me to my car and without saying a word I got in and started my car. I didn’t offer to drive him back to his truck. In fact, I didn’t even give him a second glance as I peeled out of the lot. I needed to get away from everyone. I needed time to think and calm down. I certainly didn’t need him following me home.
I was two blocks away when suddenly a big ass grill showed up in my review mirror.
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” I yelled at no one in particular. I debated trying to lose him but realized that with my inability to change lanes without shoulder checking, there was no way I would ever manage that. Instead, I hunched over my steering wheel seething at the injustice that Irene and Matt bestowed on Jackson.
Chapter 47
I pulled into my parking stall in the parkade of the penthouse. I jumped out of my car and started rapidly walking towards the elevator, not waiting for Jackson who was still in the process of parking his truck. With luck, I would be already on my way upstairs by the time he got to the elevator.
I got halfway across the parkade when I heard his door slam.
“Something bugging you?” His voice sounded so relaxed and easy-going, I thought my blood would start boiling. I spun around on my heels and stomped back to him. I walked right up to him and glared up at his face.
“You’re walking me down the aisle?” I spat up at him. “Really? Matt just snaps his fingers, and you come crawling?”
His eyes widened with interest. “A couple of weeks ago you were pissed when they wanted me gone. I thought you would be happy they included me at your wedding.”
“Are you upset that I haven’t broken it off with Matt yet?”
“I don’t need to know what your plans are. I've nothing to do with that. You can do whatever you want.”
I flinched. I will admit. That stung but I needed to bring him back to the point of the fact that Matt and Irene were cruel. Did he not see that?
I put my hand on my hip. I looked at him with disbelief. “Don’t you see what they’re doing? Why are you putting up with their shit?”
He shrugged. “They’re family.”
“They don’t act like family.”
We eyeballed each other for a long moment. I felt so frustrated I turned on my heels and started to walk away.
“Family deserves loyalty.”
In two seconds flat, I was back in his face. “Neither of them deserve your loyalty.”
Another long moment ticked between us.
“I'm not loyal to someone because of how they treat me. I'm loyal because of the person I am.”
I went completely still. The image of a young boy, at the mercy of a violent drunk, flashed before my eyes. Ted had smashed his bones, terrorized him and abused him in ways no child should ever be abused. That child’s loyalty to Ted had been breathtaking.
Waves of pain washed over me so intensely that I almost couldn’t breathe.
“It’s not right,” I squeezed out of my constricted throat.
“Why are you so upset about this?” he sounded mystified.
“Because you deserve so much better,” I yelled at him. “Because it hurts me to see others hurt you.”
“A bullet hurts. Violence hurts.” He ran his hand through his hair in frustration. “This is nothing.”
“If this is nothing than why does it feel like my heart is breaking,” I yelled. I pushed past him. I couldn’t let this man see me cry again. If I cried in front of him one more time, he would never talk to me again.
He moved so quick. He spun me around. His mouth came down on mine. Hot. Savage. Wild. I moaned into his mouth and wrapped my arms around his thick neck. Why did it feel like every time he touched me, I was coming in from the cold? My hands grabbed fingers full of his hair. He immobilized me against the truck. His mouth. It was everywhere. On my neck. On my shoulder. My lips. I couldn't think I was so turned on. All I could do was hang on and feel.
He lifted me up and my legs automatically wrapped around his waist while his mouth continued to assault me. My skirt bunched up around my waist. His glorious hard body, his excitement, and his arousal only fueled my own.
He shifted beneath me, and then the rasp of his zipper. His hard fullness butted up against the thin fabric of my underwear. He reached one hand between my legs and with a strong tug my panties tore from my hips.
One powerful thrust buried him into me. Beautiful sensations coursed through my entire body. He stood there and breathed hard against my neck. I was pinned, literally pinned, up against the truck, impaled on him.
He raised his head. His eyes locked with my own as he spoke, “I wish I wanted what you wanted.”
I panted. Dizzy. Out of my mind with lust. He grabbed the back of my hair and pulled my head back roughly. I stared back at him in a daze.
“I want you to have everything you ever dreamed of. Do you understand?"
I didn't. I didn't understand what he said to me. None of this made sense. He stared at me, anger and desire written all over his face. And then, finally, he thrust into me. Hard. Up against his big black truck. It felt so incredible, so fulfilling that I could only hang on and moan.
Like everything Jackson, he moved with power and endurance. My entire body g
ot tighter and tighter. I fought my orgasm, but I could only hang on so long. I let out a long, peeled cry. He stilled and watched my face as my entire body shuddered in ecstasy around him. We remained there for a long moment, both of us breathing hard. His hardness still buried in me.
“I don’t want a family or commitment,” he said against my lips, without kissing me. “But Matt does.”
His words stabbed me in the heart.
“Jackson.”
“You should marry him,” he said, without expression on his face. “He’s a good guy.”
He was still rock hard and hadn't yet come. He pulled out of me and lifted me down onto shaking legs. I brushed my skirt down, needing a moment to compose myself. The moment had come. I needed to tell him that he was going to be a father. I took a deep breath.
“Please let me talk to you.”
He looked at me for a long moment, and then he said in a clear voice. “I’m not what you want, and I'm not someone you can fix.”
My mouth dropped open. I watched as he climbed into his truck. Without looking at me, he backed up and then peeled away.
On shaking legs, I walked up to the penthouse. In my heart, I knew that he would not come back here. Jackson was gone.
The sense of loss crushed me so hard that it felt like someone had died. Numb, I sat on the couch in the dark for hours and willed him to walk through the door. But he didn’t. Eventually, I staggered to his guest room and crawled into his bed. I could faintly smell him in the bed, and the familiar scent overwhelmed me on every level. Clutching his pillow around my waist, I wanted to, but I couldn’t cry.
Jackson wasn’t coming back. There was a black hole in my chest. This feeling destroyed me more than when my parents had been murdered. This darkness and pain pierced sharper than when my granny had died. I wasn’t sure I would survive the night. How was it possible that a human being could endure this much loss?
Jackson. I knew from the moment my heart had turned towards this man that this would only end in devastation, but I had been powerless to stop myself. Like a plant that faces towards the sun, I had been unable to resist him. I had thought that I knew what losing him would be like. I had attempted to mentally and emotionally prepare myself. I had thought that the small amount of time I had been given with him would be worth the pain in the long run. I had never been more wrong about anything in my life.
He was wrong for me on so many levels, but my heart wanted what my heart wanted. And now, stupidly, my heart would never be the same again.
I debated calling him and telling him about the baby, but his words stopped me. He didn't want what I wanted. He had been clear in letting me know that it was over between us. I needed to accept this and move forward.
Chapter 48
For three days, I stayed away from the hospital. I didn’t take calls. I didn’t answer texts. I dragged myself through the motions of sustaining my life by eating and sleeping and keeping Chloe alive, but that was all I was able to manage. I slept for hours at a time, and the rest of my waking time I just sat.
Everything up to this point caught up with me. Everything stressful and bad had been pushed to the background because Jackson had been there to cushion the fall. He had countered everything with his strength and his protective nature, and somehow nothing had been insurmountable. Now, I stood alone and faced an impending hurricane, but my house had disappeared on me. Without Jackson in the background, I felt exposed and unsure of myself.
I determined I needed to come clean to Matt. I needed to end our engagement. I wanted to be brave and tell him that it was over for good. But there never seemed to be a good time to have that talk. So we pretended that everything was fine. My heart hurt so much that my instinct was to hide that pain. In doing so, I carried on like everything was fine. I wanted to be truthful, but the effort was so monumental, I instead busied my mind with the final details of the wedding.
It shocked me how easy it was to pretend. Each moment that ticked away brought us closer to our wedding day.
Thoughts, weird bad thoughts, repeated in my mind. Could I marry Matt? Jackson had ripped my heart out of my chest, so I felt numb. Did it matter one way or another if I married Matt? On an emotional level, I couldn't determine if it would be better for me to marry Matt or to end it.
What if I told Matt that he and I had slept together? He had no memory of the last five months. This baby could be passed off as his.
These dark thoughts gripped my mind as I teetered back and forth like a spinning top. Things had at one time been good between Matt and me. Maybe we could have our happy ending after all? Lots of women had pretended that one man’s baby was another man’s. Was it that bad? Matt would love this child, and this child would have a father. Was that the preferable action than to condemn this child to a lifetime with only me to parent it through life? Was I qualified to parent another human being? Look at the mess my life was in. Would one small lie make that much of a difference in the big picture of things?
It didn’t help that Matt was the master of pretending. He knew that I was struggling, but he glossed over my vacant moods and numb state. If I was going to start this marriage with a lie, who better to start it with than a man who didn’t want my truth?
I knew that Matt wanted the finer things in life. I had a lot of money. I could offer him that life, the vacations and all the trappings that he desired. In exchange, I would give my child a father.
Sometimes, I came to grips with my insane thoughts and returned to the fact that I needed to just end this charade, but no matter how much I tried, I could not find the strength within me to speak the truth.
There was a small, traitorous part of me that hoped that while Matt was still in my life, there was a chance I would see Jackson. Maybe he would show up at the hospital? Perhaps I would run into him outside in the parking lot? How pathetic that I would delay the inevitable for just one more glimpse of him. One more conversation. One more moment.
I couldn’t accept that I would never see Jackson again. If I married Matt, at least I would be fed small tidbits about Jackson’s life. As crazy as it was, that was almost the best reason I had to marry Matt.
Then I ran out of time.
Chapter 49
I stood in the room in the back of the church and stared in the mirror. My red hair was piled up on the top of my head. My sleeveless wedding dress’s tight embroidered bodice nipped at my waist, and the skirt billowed out in an expanse of tulle to the floor. It was too tight. I guess that’s what happens when you’re ten weeks pregnant. Your wedding dress becomes a straight jacket on your rib cage. I took a deep breath and hated how I was unable to expand my lungs to full capacity.
“You look like a princess,” Beth breathed from beside me.
We stared at our reflections in the mirror. I looked so serious. So young and uncertain. How had I ended up here? Had my indecisiveness and my inability to speak my mind brought me to this point? I felt wracked with uncertainty.
The problem was I felt numb. I could feel nothing. My entire being was whitewashed, and there was no color, no feeling, no sense of what was right and what was wrong.
“Do you think I should marry Matt?” I asked Beth.
The champagne flute hovered halfway to her lips. Our eyes met in the mirror.
“Is that a rhetorical question?”
“It’s a real question.”
I watched as she drained the entire glass. “Oh, God.”
I waited as she poured herself another glass. And then downed that one.
She squared her shoulders and looked at me. “You can’t hold what I say against me if you don’t do what I think you should do.”
I nodded.
“I think marrying Matt is the biggest mistake you could make in your life. And I think from the moment you say ‘I do’ to the moment you get your inevitable divorce, you are going to regret it every day of your life.”
“Oh.”
She poured herself a third glass. “You promised me that y
ou wouldn’t hold that against me.”
“I won’t.”
“And I'll be there for you every single day if you decide to go through with this.”
“Thanks.”
“And if you do marry him and you end up deliriously happy you won’t hold this conversation against me.”
“I won’t.”
There was a knock at the door. Was that Jackson? My heart almost stopped.
The usher wanted to let us know that all the guests were seated. Matt was ready to take his place at the front.
Beth looked at me, and I widened my eyes at her.
Beth spoke. “Tell them that the bride needs five more minutes.”
He nodded and shut the door behind him.
“Do you think Jackson is here?” My hands shook so hard my bouquet fluttered.
“You want me to go check?”
I nodded, grateful that she didn’t mention my obsession with Jackson when I should focus on Matt.
“I'll be right back,” she slipped out of the room.
The door opened. The entire room shrunk and the world took on color again. Jackson shut the door behind him. He stared at me, and I stared back. His black suit faultlessly hugged his huge form. I realized I had never actually seen him without some version of a beard on his face. The effects of his shaven face were stunning. He had the most beautiful jawline I had ever seen, and his cheekbones were so angular they looked like they could cut glass. I melted beneath his intense stare. His eyes roamed over me, taking in my hair, my dress, my trembling lips.
I realized at that moment, the only reason I hadn’t called off the wedding was I needed to see this man one last time. I loved him to the point of being heartsick. How could I feel so much for him and he felt nothing back? How was it possible that love this big, this real, this intense could be so one-sided?
