by Odette Stone
Irene watched my face. She knew. She knew what I was thinking.
She stood up. “Well, I need to get back to my hotel. Jackson, would you be a doll and drive me?”
My lips parted.
Matt interrupted my train of thought. “Emily, would you mind if I stayed back and talked to you for a bit?”
Now it was my turn to avoid Jackson’s gaze.
“No, of course not.”
Irene kissed both of my cheeks. She was chatting a mile a minute to Jackson as they walked out.
Matt held out his hand and led me to the couch. He leaned his arm over the back and smiled at me. “Emily.”
“Matt,” I started.
He held up his hand. “Please. I need to get something off my chest.”
“Okay.”
“I know I did everything wrong the last time and I screwed this whole thing up between us. And I only have myself to blame.”
“Matt.”
“No, I take the blame for all of this. I should have recognized and addressed my health issues. None of this would have happened if I had been a better partner to you.”
We stared at each other. No words came out of my mouth.
“I don’t want you to marry Jackson. I don’t want you to end up on some military base alone while he is in some shit hole in Syria in a gunfight. I don’t want that life for you. You deserve more than that, Emily. You deserve to live in the most vibrant city in the world with a vacation home in the Hamptons. You deserve beautiful dinner parties and elegant galas. Your granny lived in that world, and that is your birthright to live in it too.”
I sat still. My granny had hated the pomp and stuff of that world. She had ripped continuously on about how annoying rich people were. As an heiress to a considerable sum, I could step into that world at any given moment. What Matt didn’t realize is that I had never held any interest to be part of that crowd. Those were his aspirations. Not mine.
He leaned forward and kissed my forehead. “Just think about that, okay?”
“Okay.”
Matt left. I lay in bed and stared at the ceiling. Tonight had been an unexpected ambush. Especially all the unnecessary digs about military life. Didn’t Irene realize the sacrifice that these families were making for their country? Men like Jackson went into the worst places in the world and did battle so people like Donny could enjoy his sailboat and house in the Hamptons. In my opinion, it wasn’t warranted to be so condescending.
And what about Jackson? Why had he shown up unannounced? Had he wanted to talk to me? Maybe he had wanted to tell me that this whole idea of marriage was a stupid idea. That after reflecting on it, he realized that I wasn’t strong enough to be a military wife.
I was so confused about everything I didn’t even know what to think anymore. Why was this so difficult? Would it be too selfish just to take Jackson’s offer and bask in his presence for as long as he could stand it? Maybe he would fall in love with the baby? Perhaps, at the very least, even if our marriage didn’t last, it would cement a bond between him and his child. I rolled over on my side. I had no idea what to do anymore. Why was everything so complicated?
Chapter 7
Two days passed and I heard nothing from Jackson. The guy had apparently had a change of heart. He went from insisting we get married to radio silence.
Late Wednesday afternoon, I got a text from Matt.
Matt: Hey, want to go out for dinner?
I didn’t. I did not want to go out for dinner. I started to text precisely that to him when a second text came through from him.
Matt: My mom wants to take Jackson out for dinner before he leaves. We thought you might want to join.
Well, that completely changed my decision. As much as I didn’t want to be anywhere near Irene or Matt tonight, the temptation to see Jackson was too great. I was the moth, and he was my flame.
Me: Sure
Matt: Want me to come and pick you up?
Me: No, just text me the address. I’m running late.
It was a white lie, but I didn’t want Jackson to see me walk into the restaurant with Matt. I thought it would send the wrong message. I rushed upstairs to get ready, taking extra care with my appearance. I pinned up my hair to make myself look as mature as possible. The highest heels I could find in my closet paired with a little black dress.
Jackson: Want me to come and pick you up?
I did a stupid little dance in my living room.
Me: Only if you're in the neighborhood.
Jackson: ETA 5.
I stood in the kitchen getting Chloe some fresh water when he spoke from behind me, “You look nice.”
My whole body shuddered at the sound of his voice. “Sneaking up on me again, I see.”
“I knocked.”
I looked over my shoulder at him. He wore a pair of jeans and a black button down shirt that was open at the neck. The restaurant was a suit and tie kind of place, but he looked so drool-worthy, I didn’t think anyone would care.
He looked at me. “You doing okay?”
My head bobbed up and down.
“What have you been up to?”
“Just sending wedding gifts back. Paying off invoices for the wedding. That kind of thing.” I stared up at him, willing him to tell me what was on his mind. “How about you?”
“Just getting ready to leave. I’m done with my outpatient program at the hospital.”
He had never actually told me what had been going on at the hospital. “Oh, that’s good. Are you better?”
He snorted. “Ready to go?”
The traffic was heavy, and I could see the impatience in him, his big hands tapped restlessly on the steering wheel.
I cleared my throat. “So, are you looking forward to getting back to Virginia?”
He gunned the truck and swerved into another lane. Horns honked their displeasure. “Looking forward to getting out of this traffic.”
God, I would miss this man.
“Yes. I can understand that.”
“Matt told me he wants to marry you. He said you two talked about it.”
My body went completely still. Matt had told Jackson that he wanted to marry me?
He glanced at me. “You going to say something?”
He didn’t sound impressed at all.
“Matt talked about it, I listened.”
My entire body jarred as he held down his horn for a good five seconds at someone who had cut him off.
“He said you didn’t outright tell him no.”
I turned and looked out the passenger window. “He didn’t give me a chance.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means, he just talked and before I could respond, he insisted that I think about it before giving my answer.”
He slammed on the brakes hard and laid on the horn again. Someone ahead of us stuck their hand out the window and gave him the finger.
“So did you?”
“Did I what?”
“Did you think about it?”
“I didn’t need to.”
Why had Matt told Jackson that he had asked me to marry him? Why was Matt so intent on sticking his nose in this situation? Jackson and I were trying to figure out our next steps, and his interference wasn’t helping anyone.
It did not go unnoticed that Jackson wasn't bringing up our marriage. He went from insisting we get married to not even mentioning it. In two days, he would leave to return to Virginia. Also, if we weren’t getting married, shouldn’t we be talking about our next steps? Why wasn’t he bringing it up? Probably for the same reason I wasn’t. It was an impossible subject, one that I had no idea how to even broach.
We pulled up to the restaurant. Jackson looked over at me while he turned off the truck. I wanted to ask him what he was thinking. Had my declaration of love scared him off so bad that now he didn’t want to have anything to do with me? Did he still want to marry me? What was the right thing to do here? Was I making the biggest mistake of my life?
&nbs
p; He looked like he wanted to say something but all he said was, “Ready?”
The restaurant hostess looked stunning with her straight white blonde hair that hung to her waist and the skintight dress that showed off her beautiful body.
She eye fucked him the entire way to the table. Complete knockouts threw themselves at him. Why on earth would he want to tie himself down to the prim red-headed pregnant ex-fiancée of his fake brother? Oh, right. He didn’t. He told me he didn’t. He felt he should, but it wasn’t something he wanted. I felt so desperately sad about everything right now that I could barely handle it.
Irene and Matt waited at the table. Matt wore his navy Dolce and Gabbana suit that cost $3500. I know, because I had bought it for him for his birthday. Irene wore a beautiful cream linen dress. Her eyebrows went up an inch when she saw how Jackson was dressed. She and Matt exchanged small smiles. They were the mean girls in this clique.
When we all had our drinks, Matt held up his glass of wine. “To family, both old and new.”
Tonight might be the last time I saw Jackson. I had no idea what was going on between the two of us, but I had this feeling that the man was on the brink of just disappearing out of my life.
As pathetic as it was, I needed to soak up every detail about him and store them in my heart. Some people think that when they have a loss, that it’s just best to forget. I know enough about loss, to understand that it’s the forgetting that hurts the most. I needed to remember what he looked like. How he moved. The sound of his voice. Tonight I would do my best to imprint this man in my memory.
Jackson, Irene, and Matt carried the entire conversation. I didn't speak. I mutely ate my meal, completely ignored whatever it was they were talking about, and I picked one thing about Jackson to study and memorize. One hand, lightly grasped his beer bottle since he had wholly shunned the waiter’s attempt to pour it into an iced glass. His shirtsleeves were flipped up once showing off his thick wrists. Strapped on his strong left wrist, was a slightly beat up, expensive military watch. His knuckles were scarred. Long tapered fingers. The palms of his hands were broad and thick. These were the hands of a strong man.
When he spoke, I used that time to study his face. The way his lips moved. How straight and white his teeth were. The slight bump in his nose where it had probably been broken once. The color of his eyes. They changed depending on his mood and the light. Right now his eyes were the shade of forest green. Dark but not too dark. Fringed by the darkest eyelashes ever given to a man.
He glanced at me. Instead of looking away, I just stared at him. He stared back. Tonight I refused to look away first. And the Navy SEAL in him wasn’t going to look away either. Matt and Irene’s conversation broke off and still Jackson and I stared at each other.
“You two okay over there?” Matt asked. I could hear the annoyance in his voice.
A smile broke out over Jackson’s face. It was so infectious that I smiled in return. And then we were both laughing. And still, we stared at each other. Neither one of us wanted to admit defeat.
It became so intense between us that I had to drop my gaze.
He leaned forward and said so quiet, “Gotcha.”
Which just made me put my mouth in my napkin so I could giggle some more.
Jesus. I loved this man. He was breaking my heart, but whatever broken chunks were still beating in my chest, those pieces were dedicated entirely to him. This is the point that you jump off that massive bridge and as you free fall, you keep waiting for your true love to swoop in and grab you at the last moment, but those final seconds, when you realize he isn’t going to, that is what heartache feels like. Right before you hit bottom, you are thinking, “Oh fuck. Misread that one. This is going to hurt.”
I was still in the final seconds of my free fall. And I knew it was going to hurt. Real bad. But he was so perfect, so alive, so much fun at this moment, that I honestly didn’t care.
Chapter 8
Irene cleared her throat. “So, Emily. Have you given any thought as to what schools you might want to pick?”
I blinked. “Excuse me?”
“I heard that the York Park pre-school has a four-year waiting list.”
“Indeed,” Matt picked up his wine. “They say that there’s a direct correlation between preschools and ivory league schools.”
“I was hoping to grow this kid some arms and legs first before worrying about University.”
Jackson stared at the table, and slowly twisted his beer bottle on the white tablecloth. Why was he just sitting there listening? Didn’t he have anything to say about the future of his child?
“You can never start planning for that kind of stuff too soon,” Irene said with a knowing smile.
“I have a client on the school board who mentioned that he might be able to pull some strings for us,” Matt said.
“Us?” I looked up at him.
He and Irene exchanged a quick glance.
“Well, you know, I was hoping that I could be of support to you in this time of need especially since Jackson is leaving soon,” Matt said with a gentle smile.
“Oh,” I said. My appetite disappeared.
Matt reached over the table and put his hand over mine. “You know I’m here for you.”
“Thank you, Matt,” I pulled my hand away. I folded my hands in my lap.
“Oh don’t be like that,” Irene scoffed. “Can’t you see that Matt is doing everything he can to support you?”
I worked not to respond.
“You know I love you,” Matt said. “I’ve always loved you. This is just a little blip that we need to get through. Together.”
How dare he reference this child as a blip? As if this was something we could just brush over and pretend didn’t happen. How dare he declare his love in front of his mom and Jackson, like we were still a couple. I had left him at the altar because I didn’t want to marry him.
“You think this baby is a blip?” My voice shook with emotion.
He gave me a calm smile. “Not a blip. Em, you know what I mean. This has been hard on all of us. Jackson and I have talked at length about this. He feels responsible but let’s face it. You two are not exactly meant to be.”
He might as well have slapped me. He and Jackson had talked about this situation? Is this why Jackson was no longer talking about a future? What had they discussed?
“You two talked?” I worked to keep the incredulity out of my voice. “What did you talk about?”
Matt looked more than pleased with himself. Jackson took a sip of his beer and looked over the restaurant with an indifferent look on his face. Almost as if this conversation bored him. My heart beat so hard.
Matt started, “You don’t have to worry about that. The point is, you and I love each other….”
“I don’t have to worry about what, Matt?” I cried out. “Don’t I deserve to know what you're all deciding for me?”
Jackson spoke up, his tone neutral. “We weren’t deciding anything, Emily. But I can’t offer you what Matt can.”
And there it was. Somehow they decided that I needed something and Matt was the only one who could offer it to me. The reason why I had resisted marrying Jackson wasn’t that I didn’t think he had anything to offer. Matt had no business being part of this conversation. How he was still in my life and still influencing my future was beyond my comprehension.
I glared at Matt. “How dare you involve yourself in this. This is a private matter between Jackson and myself. He’s the father of this child, not you.”
Irene decided to wade into the mess. “You and Jackson barely know each other. You’re practically strangers. Jackson lives in a completely different world. A harsher world. And you come from such a refined place, Emily. How could you possibly cope or support him?”
Irene’s ability to vocalize all my fears to my face was a gift. I didn’t know how I would become a wife to this man who was so much more than any other person I knew. How would I support Jackson when up until this point he h
ad done nothing but take care of me? The man didn’t show any weaknesses, much less show any need to be supported. If he married me, I would be his burden. He would be the one supporting me. The thought terrified me.
“This isn’t your place to involve yourself in,” I said tersely.
Matt looked sympathetic. “Jackson feels responsible, and no one is denying that he wants to do the right thing, but you two getting married just doesn’t make any sense.”
Christ, they were master manipulators. I couldn’t even comprehend why they involved themselves in this matter. This thing was already beyond complicated. They were making everything infinitely worse. My mouth felt bone dry.
“We just want what’s best for you,” Irene said.
Matt sounded sincere. “Emily, I know you, and I know Jackson. And in part, I feel responsible for all of this. I mean I think I can say that the idea of the two of you living happily ever after isn't realistic. I want to help you both.”
He was right, and that was the kicker. We wouldn’t live happily ever after. I would be attaching myself to a man that did not want the burden of a wife and a child. We would be an infringement on his freedom.
I swallowed repeatedly and looked over at Jackson. Green eyes looked back at me. His expression was stoic. The man didn’t have boundaries. He had walls. Walls that were so high they were impenetrable. I realized with pain in my heart that I had absolutely no idea who this man was. He was so private, so closed, that it was almost impossible to bear at that moment. He felt utterly devoid of everything emotional. I couldn't read him. No sense of what he was thinking or feeling. He must be an incredible soldier. I could see how in complete chaos and madness, he'd become disciplined and controlled. Where was the playful man who laughed with me during our staring contest? Who was this indifferent man that looked back at me without a hint of expression?
