“Monday afternoon.” She found a shaky smile. “We’re meeting with the new doctor then.”
“We still aren’t sure we’re doing the safest thing.” His dad crossed his arms. His chin quivered and he coughed, finding his own control. “But it’s the right thing. We know that.”
“The doctor was very encouraging.”
Cody thought about Ali again. She would rather have raced horses for one year than spend ten years in the safety of a sterile room. It would be the same way for Carl Joseph. Suddenly the decisions that lay ahead for Cody were clearer than water.
Carl Joseph returned to the table out of breath. “My turn to pray!” His voice was louder than usual, and he caught himself. He covered his mouth and raised his eyebrows. “Sorry,” he whispered. “ ’Cause it’s my turn to pray.”
“Go ahead, son.” His father smiled at him.
Carl Joseph reached for his mother’s hand and everyone closed their eyes. “Dear God, hi. Carl Joseph here.” He stifled a quiet laugh. “Everything’s perfect now, God. So thanks for the lasagna, and thanks for Mom and Dad and Brother and Teacher.” He giggled again. “And Daisy. And medicine.” He clapped his hands. “Now we can dig in!”
Cody opened his eyes, amazed. Hours ago Carl Joseph had been in the throes of a terrible seizure. But as far as he could tell, life was perfect. It was one more way Carl Joseph’s faith stood as an example to the rest of them.
They let Carl Joseph talk for a while. He told them that he and Daisy had decided the next hike would be at Disneyland. “ ’Cause we have to get there first and we don’t know the bus route.”
“You’d probably have to fly.” Their dad was finishing his dinner. He had an easy way with Carl Joseph, something Cody hadn’t noticed in his hurry to blame his dad when he first returned from the rodeo circuit.
“Yeah.” Carl Joseph looked out the window. He’d never been on an airplane, and his anxiety over the possibility was written in the lines on his forehead. “ ’Cause we could fly.”
After a few minutes of talk about Disneyland, Carl Joseph stood and took his empty plate and cup to the kitchen. “I’ll wash.” He gave their mother a big smile and tapped their father’s shoulder. “That would be good life skills.”
Dad stood and joined Carl Joseph in the kitchen. “Let’s do it together.”
“Goodie.” He clapped, sheer joy filling his tone.
Cody stood and joined his father and brother in the kitchen. Carl Joseph was relating a comical version of the hike, and how Cody and Elle had danced together.
“Brother is not a good dancer.” Carl Joseph made a dramatic shake of his head, so dramatic that his glasses nearly fell to the floor. He caught them and set them back in place. Then he patted Cody’s shoulder and gave him a rough embrace. “But he’s a very, very good brother.”
They played Uno that night, and Cody stayed up later than usual before returning across the ranch to his own house. He’d been anticipating this moment all day, and now—in a way he was helpless to stop—it was here. He stepped inside his front entrance, closed the door, and locked it.
What he had to do now, he would do alone—the same way he had handled the trip to the bluff earlier. He walked through his living room and stopped at the fireplace mantel. Perched on top of the polished piece of oak was his framed wedding picture. Ali and him, when the future still seemed possible. When a cure for cystic fibrosis was all that stood between that fleeting moment and forever.
He ran his thumb over the glass, over their faces, smiling and hopeful. “It’s time, Ali.” He smiled, even though somewhere inside him he could feel his heart breaking. He looked at her face, her eyes. “I know you’d tell me the same thing.”
Then, feeling a hundred years old, he moved into his bedroom and opened the top drawer of his dresser. A small wicker basket sat near the back, a catch-all for things that didn’t quite have a place. His old pocketknife from middle school and a pair of earplugs he wore when he ran the tractor out on the ranch. And next to that, on top of a mound of old quarters and nickels and dimes, were the two velvet boxes.
He took the pale pink one first. The hinges made a soft creaking sound as he opened it. The ring inside was still beautiful, mostly because seeing it reminded him of how it looked on Ali’s finger. He took the ring from the box and brought the cool white gold close to his face.
Once in a while, holding her wedding ring this way made him feel as if he were holding her hand again. Her fingers tucked in his. But tonight it was only a cold, empty reminder of all that wasn’t. All that would never be.
Cody placed the ring gently back in the velvet box and closed the lid. Ali was not in the grave, and she was not in the small velvet box. She lived in his heart, in a back room where she had recently moved, one that would always belong to her. He lifted the other box, the dark one, and set it on the dresser top.
He’d never come even this close before, so every move was slow, painful. He opened the lid and then looked at his left hand. Ali had placed the ring there seven years ago, and it had stayed there every day since. But here, on a day when he had prayed for answers, he felt beyond certain that this was the next step, the move he absolutely had to make.
The wedding ring fit just as it had the day they were married. So it took only a few seconds to gently twist it up over his knuckle. The ache in his heart spread to his chest and up into his throat. Then, with a sharp breath, he did what he never thought he’d do.
He took off his ring and tenderly set it back in the box. For a few seconds he stared at it. The things he felt about the ring would always stay in his soul. But what it meant to the world was no longer true. He wasn’t married, and after four years it was time to acknowledge that fact.
Even if doing so practically dropped him to his knees.
Cody closed the box and set it tenderly next to Ali’s. Then he closed the drawer and moved to an old recliner he kept in his bedroom near the window. He sank into it and peered into the dark of the night. God was leading him; Cody could feel His guidance in every step. In the process he had let go of Ali, just enough to take one step forward. And now he was ready to face whatever came next. Because—whether he returned to the road or not—he had the one thing Elle had talked about, the thing he felt God urging him to have.
Empty hands.
Chapter Twenty-five
Elle was about to start class that Monday when the door opened and Cody and Carl Joseph stepped inside. A smile lit up Cody’s face, and Elle knew the answer before a single word was spoken.
“Carl Joseph would like to come back to class,” Cody said. He and his brother moved closer to Elle and the students.
Gus stood straight up. “You’re back? You’re really back?”
“I knew it.” Sid high-fived the guy next to him. “I told you he’d be back!”
Daisy was on her feet. She tiptoed over to Carl Joseph and flung her arms around his neck. “You’re home, CJ! Welcome home!”
Elle was grateful for her students and their loud celebration. Because she couldn’t have talked if she wanted to. She stood and went to Cody. “Your parents talked to the new doctor?”
“Yes. I’ll tell you about it later.” He smiled, and for a long beat he held her eyes. “Whatever time Carl Joseph has, he wants to live it.” He turned toward his brother. “He can do that here.”
Elle asked Cody to stay, but he shook his head. “I have things to do.” He smiled, but there was something deeper in his expression, feelings he was maybe working through.
“Have you decided? About returning to the rodeo?”
“Not yet.” He briefly touched her hand. “Let me know if he has any trouble.” Cody told his brother good-bye, and he left.
Every day that week was the same, only a few words from Cody when he dropped off Carl Joseph or when he picked him up. Something was happening inside him, and Elle could do nothing but pray for him.
Once in a while he would look at her across the room or share a few words with
her, and when he did there was a depth that was constant. A depth full of conflict and vulnerability, one that she didn’t dare ask him about—not in what could only be a few minutes’ conversation before class.
By Friday morning, Elle wasn’t sure what to make of the change, but it scared her. Because she didn’t know any way to undo feelings that had already taken root. Especially when she looked forward to seeing him every morning during drop-off time. She thought about asking Carl Joseph, but somehow the idea didn’t sit well. If God wanted her to know what was different with Cody Gunner, the information would come to her some other way.
And it did.
It came Friday morning just before their field trip to a supermarket two miles away. Carl Joseph and Daisy were sitting together, waiting for the rest of the class to arrive. They were talking about shortcake and Disneyland and which pair of socks were their favorite if they got to hike the theme park.
Elle tuned out on their conversation for a few minutes. She was sorting through information packets for the students when she heard her sister’s tone change.
“Why would he go on the road?” Daisy pulled her knees up and sat cross-legged, facing her friend.
“He wants to think.” Carl Joseph tried to pull his legs up, but they were too short and stout to maneuver and he quickly gave up. He blinked as if he were trying to remember what he’d been saying. “’Cause . . . Brother wants to think about things.”
Daisy looked around the room, clearly confused. “He could think here, CJ.” She pointed to the seat next to her on the classroom sofa. “Right here on this spot.”
“He could think on top of Ace, the horse.”
“Or on his bed.” She put her pointer fingers together and made a careful heart in the air between them. “My bed has big hearts.”
“My bed has Mickey Mouse.” Carl Joseph put his fist in the air in a show of victory. “Mickey Mouse is the best bed.”
Elle needed to be alone. She stepped into the break room, braced herself against the counter. Cody was leaving? After all the emotions she’d ridden because of him, he was taking off? God, is that how this is going to end? You bring him into my life for what, so I can tell him good-bye before anything comes of all this and—
Her self-pity fell off abruptly. What was she thinking? How shallow to consider that the only reason Cody Gunner had showed up at all was for her. The reason God had brought Cody into her life probably had nothing to do with her. She pictured Carl Joseph, giddy about today’s field trip, already back in sync with his classmates and making progress toward independence. Carl Joseph was reason enough, even if she never saw Cody again.
A sense of futility came over her, and she was tempted to let the subject go, walk out of the break room and conduct the field trip and believe that one day in the not-too-distant future she’d forget about Cody. But her eyes fell on a sign posted near the coffeemaker.
Don’t forget to pray! It’s the most important life skill of all!
A lump formed in her throat, and she swallowed back her tears. Forgive me, Lord. Even if Cody leaves, we can stay friends. But please . . . if it’s Your will, convince Cody to stay. Convince him to work here at the center so we can share our love for people with Down Syndrome and maybe someday . . . something more. And if not, Lord . . . help me let him go.
She collected herself and returned to the classroom. Most of the students were there, talking about how they would spend their imaginary hundred dollars. She had arranged with the manager of the store that each student could have a cart and choose food within a budget, and then—so they would better understand the sections of a grocery store—they would return the food to the shelves.
And as they set out for the first bus stop half an hour later, she refused to think about Cody and whether he would stay or head back out on the road. God had all the details figured out. If he left, even in her sadness she would know that was God’s will.
Even if she would remember for a lifetime how it felt to dance with him on a patch of clover halfway up a mountain trail on a sunny afternoon in June.
CODY KEPT HIS distance on purpose. He didn’t want his feelings for Elle influencing his decision to stay or go. Because if he stayed, he wanted to go to her not only with empty hands, but with a full heart. Full of hope and promise and excitement for tomorrow and every day after it.
So that week he kept his distance from Elle and his parents, and in some ways even Carl Joseph. In the process, he took his brother’s advice and prayed. He talked to God every chance he had. Should he go and spend a year sorting through his options, his feelings? Or should he stay, roll up his sleeves and work alongside a girl who filled his senses? Was he ready for that, or would he be better off by himself? Him and God.
The way he’d never really been even after Ali died.
Until now, now that he’d let her go.
Day after day he prayed, stopping in each morning to take Carl Joseph to the center, and forcing himself to stay only a few minutes, so he wouldn’t change his mind and stay all day. He was that drawn to Elle. In some ways, he expected the answer to come easily. Should he stay or go? Simple question, simple answer. But God didn’t shout at him or whisper in his heart or make the answer clear in any way.
The answer came on Friday, after Carl Joseph’s field trip.
Cody had ridden Ace that day, and he was in the barn brushing the horse down, patting his neck. He heard Carl Joseph tromping out to meet him long before his brother appeared at the door.
“Brother!” It was midafternoon, and the sun splashed rays on either side of Carl Joseph. “Supermarkets are fun!”
Cody set down the brush, dusted off his hands, and crossed the hay-covered floor to the door. He wiped his brow and smiled at his brother. “I hadn’t noticed.”
“What?” Carl Joseph didn’t pick up on sarcasm. It was one more innocent way about him.
“Yes, Buddy.” Cody patted his shoulder. “Supermarkets are a lot of fun.”
“Yeah, and I picked out a melon and”—he held up two fingers—“a two-gallon milk and butter unsalted and wheat bread.” He clapped his hands and laughed the way he did when he was practically overcome with joy.
“That’s great, Buddy. I’m proud of you.” He meant it. Every field trip, every class session was another victory for Carl Joseph, another step closer to Goal Day.
Carl Joseph bounced a little, nodding and explaining in detail about the trip. But after a minute of talking, he stopped and his smile dropped off. He pushed his glasses up onto his nose and squinted at Cody. “Why, Brother?”
“Why what?”
“You didn’t go. I like you to go, Brother. But maybe you don’t like supermarkets?”
Cody stared at his brother, past the extra chromosome to the tender-hearted boy inside. A boy who had looked up to him and longed for his attention since he was old enough to talk. And there, in the guileless question from his only brother, Cody had the answer he was looking for.
Just as strongly as if God had walked into the barn and hand-delivered it.
CODY AND CARL Joseph walked into the center ten minutes late, but Elle was nowhere to be seen. Cody’s heart pounded, but he expected that. He’d taken his answer back to God and prayed about it over the weekend. Time and again the feeling in his heart was the same.
Now it was time to act on it.
Carl Joseph didn’t know what Cody was about to do or how today was different from any other day. He bounded into the classroom, stopped, and was about to give Cody a good-bye hug when Cody stopped him. “I’m staying, Buddy.”
His brother’s eyebrows lifted high up into his forehead. “You’re staying?” He made a few disbelieving guffaws. “Really, Brother?”
“Really.” Cody patted his brother’s shoulder. “I’ll sit here by the door. You go with your friends.”
Carl Joseph ran to the group, waving his hands. He was just announcing, “Brother’s staying! Brother’s staying!” when Elle walked back in from the break room. She
must’ve felt Cody watching her because she turned to him and their eyes met and held. They held while Daisy jumped to her feet and as she danced around Carl Joseph, celebrating the fact that his brother was staying.
Elle put her things down on her desk, turned, and slowly came to him. Her expression told him that she was confused, that she didn’t understand whether he was staying for the day, visiting with Carl Joseph’s class.
Or staying in Colorado Springs.
When she reached him, a hundred questions shone in her eyes. But she asked just one. “You’re staying?”
He hated the way she looked nervous, Elle Dalton whose heart had been through enough. He stood and glanced at the class. The aide was working with several students. He searched her eyes again. “Can you step outside for a minute?” His pounding heart grew louder, so loud he could barely concentrate. He steadied himself. Breathe, Gunner. Take a breath. He could do this. God had made it clear.
Elle announced to the class that it was time for group discussion. She gave a knowing look to her aide and then smiled at her students. “Find your seats, please. I’ll be right back.”
She followed Cody outside, and a warm wind met them on the patio. He leaned against the cool brick wall and waited until she was a few feet in front of him. “I have a question.”
“Okay.” She ran her tongue along her lower lip. She looked nervous, no idea what was coming.
He smiled, and never broke eye contact. “Is that position still open? Running the fitness program here at the center?”
Surprise worked its way across her face, but it took only a few heartbeats before her eyes lit up. “Are you serious?”
Cody felt the anxiety leaving him. “On one condition.” In this moment there was Elle, and only Elle.
A happy cry came from her. “What?”
“I want a dance studio.”
Her reaction wasn’t slow or measured or cautious. She threw her arms around his neck and hugged him, the sort of victory hug the moment demanded. But it demanded more than that.
Just Beyond the Clouds Page 24
