We took one of the trails through the trees at the east end of the property, then wound down to the part of the beach that bordered a wildlife sanctuary—where the neighbors were less likely to intrude. Here it was just me, Coral, and the occasional gull or sandpiper among the grassy dunes that eventually gave way to the long, white sand and then the ocean. Vast, open. Exactly what Coral and I both needed.
“No one here today, Cor,” I said to my misanthropic horse. “Aren’t we lucky?”
Coral tugged on the reins a little. I’d given her control through the paths she knew so well but had picked up the slack down here.
“Stop,” I said, pulling more on the leather. “What do you want to do, bolt?”
She gave a soft neigh and trotted impatiently, more like she was a two-year-old filly, not a twenty-three-year-old mare.
“Oh, you think you can run, my love?”
Another sharp pull on the reins told me she did indeed. Coral was eyeing the long, empty expanse of beach with lust. Kellan, our trainer, took her out regularly, but I doubted she was given much in the way of free rein.
I swallowed. I knew what it was like to want to run.
I leaned over her neck and gave her the slack she desired.
“All right, Cor,” I whispered. “Go.”
She didn’t need more than that to take off. Coral was a dressage horse, not a thoroughbred, but she was still fast enough. The wind whipped through her hair as she charged down the beach, and I laughed, even closing my eyes to feel the cool Atlantic breeze across across my face.
Freedom. That’s what this was. At least, one of the only tastes of it I’d ever known. On Coral, I was able to let go of my fears, my frustrations. The trappings of a life that sometimes it truly felt I’d never chosen at all.
Lost.
My answer to Jane’s question echoed through my mind, an immediate rebuke. If I was being honest—which, apparently, I was today—I’d been more than a little lost my entire life. Kept on a bridle like my horse. Led from place to place, from show to show. From master to master. Perhaps a tiny rebellion here or there, but my biggest and dearest one—my daughter—was also my greatest secret. And in many ways, the one that had cost me the most.
My life had never really been my own.
What do you want to do?
They were two different things, weren’t they? Living and doing. Or maybe one would help me accomplish the other.
Well. What did I want, then?
Matthew.
His smile, his warm, mischievous eyes, his urgent, tender touch. It all filled me, along with a yearning I was certain would never fade. At twenty, I had thought I was in love. But that was nothing compared to this. Now I understood just how little I had known Giuseppe. How small I was in comparison with the magnitude of his family, accomplishments, passions, works. I was only a girl. Sometimes still learning who she was. And it went both ways, really. How could he had loved me either? How could have known me at all when I hadn’t really known myself?
That love, just a dalliance, was nothing compared to the man I couldn’t have.
So what, doll? Even then, Matthew’s warm timbre echoed through my conscience. Even if you could have me, I’m a person, baby. Not a life.
What did I want?
I had given up everything for so many others.
Never finished college.
Never traveled again.
Never had a job, real interests, passions that belonged only to me. My life was a mind-numbing collage of luncheons and fundraisers and trainers.
And fear.
Always fear.
By the time Coral and I made it back to the stables, we were both tired. We had walked most of the way back while I poured my heart out to my horse. But, unfortunately, I had no more idea of the answers to my questions than when I began.
“Tuckered her right out, did you?”
Kellan, the trainer, appeared from the barn, where he was feeding the other horses. I smiled as Coral stopped in front of the stable door for me to dismount. She snorted at Kellan with a half-hearted greeting.
“You want me to cool her down for you, Mrs. Gardner?”
I shook my head. “No, that’s all right. I can take care of her today. We’ll finish what we started together.”
The old trainer nodded. “Just as well. I need to take out Nightshade. Should be about an hour, maybe more. You need me to finish anything, just leave a note in the office.”
I nodded. “Will do. Thank you, Kellan.”
I slid off Coral and led her into the barn to remove her tack, hang my helmet alongside, and get her cooled down and something to eat and drink. When I reemerged from her stall, I was in a daze from the ride, enough that I didn’t notice the person waiting for me outside.
“I didn’t know you rode.”
I jumped at the sound of the familiar voice behind me, then turned to find Matthew leaning against the wall of the stable, elbow propped against a post, watching me carefully.
I shoved a hand through my hair. Lord, I was sweaty. And hot. And in need of a drink.
“Here.”
Matthew held out a chilled bottle of Perrier, likely brought from the house—he must have been chatting with Marcus, who would have known my preferences.
“Thank you,” I said, accepting it, then guzzling half the bottle in one go, stopping only to catch my breath, and then emit a small belch as a result of the carbonation. Immediately, I covered my mouth with my hand. “Excuse me. That wasn’t particularly ladylike, was it?”
Matthew grinned. My heart pumped a bit harder.
“It was fuckin’ adorable,” he said. “Besides, you know I like seeing you enjoy things with your mouth, doll.”
That only made me blush. And I couldn’t help the way my gaze dropped over him, remembering all the things about this man I had, in fact, enjoyed just like that.
Lord. I was like a teenager all over again.
“Why—why are you here?” I asked. “I thought we needed to stay away from each other.”
The flirtation on his face disappeared. “I—well, yeah. We do. But there’s no one here, is there?”
I shrugged. “Kellan, the trainer, will be back soon. He’s harmless, but chatty.”
Matthew shoved his hands into his pockets. “Well, something just seemed…off. When you left, I mean.”
I ground my teeth. “You seemed to be having a lovely time. Caitlyn appeared to be very entertaining.”
Matthew sighed, then removed his sunglasses and tucked them into his shirt pocket. “Don’t tell me you’re jealous. Baby, you know there’s nothing there.”
“Do I? It certainly didn’t look that way,” I snapped, then was immediately irritated with myself. I sounded petty and childish. What a waste of a lovely ride.
“Well, I had to watch every midlife crisis-battling man over thirty ogle you for ninety straight minutes, so yeah, doll, I think I can sympathize.” He shook his head. “You’d think the bastards hadn’t ever seen a pair of legs before.” His gaze trailed up mine, which were now covered in my riding breeches. “Of course, yours do take the cake.”
We stared at each other for five hard seconds. Matthew, however, was the first to give.
“Nina,” he said softly. “Please. Let’s not do this.”
I opened my mouth to argue with him, but found that for once, I didn’t want to. Because what was the point? I had no claim to this man. And never truly would.
The thought made me completely deflate.
He took a step toward me. “Anyway, I came because I was worried. I told Eric I was going to explore the property a bit and came to find you.”
“How did you know I would be here?” I wondered. “Twenty acres is a lot to explore. I could have been anywhere.”
“Jane.”
“Ah.” I pushed a hand through my hair, ignoring my grandmother’s mental admonishments not to make it greasy. It probably looked frightful after my ride anyway.
I didn’t really care
. At the mention of Jane, our conversation came back all over again, along with guilt, and I lapsed into another silence while Matthew watched. He adjusted his hat, then fussed with his watch for a moment. I peered at him. Matthew wasn’t typically one to fidget—if anything, he had grace and confidence rarely seen in most people. He was here for something beyond just concern and curiosity. He was nervous about something too.
“Are you too tired for another short walk?” he asked. “We, um, we need to talk.”
I swallowed, glanced from side to side, then hated that I even had to do it. Guilt and resentment lodged in my gut all over again. And after an hour of undoing them too.
“I—I suppose.”
Matthew sighed. “Please, doll. Just a walk.”
I sighed too. “It’s never just a walk with you, Matthew.”
But I still went with him. I had a feeling I always would, as long as he asked.
Chapter Nineteen
We meandered into the woods, but this time stayed away from the beach as if by silent accord. Too much open space. Too easy for someone to see us.
“You looked happy,” Matthew remarked as we passed a large beech tree. “When you were with your horse, I mean.”
I nodded. “I—yes. I was. Happy and tired.” I sighed. “Riding always has that effect on me.”
“You just took off. I looked up from the pool and you were gone. Your mother was looking for you too.”
I shrugged. “There didn’t really seem a point to me being there.”
“No?”
There was a strange note in his voice. Reluctant disappointment.
I had to nip it in the bud, so to speak. “I’m sorry I got jealous about Caitlyn. I have no right to that. No claim on you.”
“Don’t you?”
I stopped and turned. “Are you just going to keep repeating the same questions over and over again?”
To my utmost irritation, Matthew cocked his head. “I might.”
I sighed, but found I couldn’t maintain a scowl. The mischievous, boyish glimmer in his green eyes could only make me smile.
Until I remembered the truth.
“I’m sorry I stayed,” I said quietly as we continued to walk. “You were right. I should have declined the invitation and returned to the city when I found you were here. It would have been kinder to you. And certainly more supportive to what you’re trying to do here.”
“I know,” he said. “But would you have really gone, knowing I was here? I wouldn’t have. I couldn’t. It seems I can’t stay away from you either, even when I have to.”
His candor, blended with the same hopelessness stirring inside, broke my heart.
We approached a big oak tree near a clearing. It was familiar, bearing many small, weather-worn marks where Eric and I used to carve our names and hearts and other small insignias into the trunk.
“I can see you here,” Matthew said as he drifted his hands over the wood. “Like Olivia. Cute little blonde girl, playing hide-and-seek in the woods.” His wide mouth quirked crookedly. “I would have liked chasing you.”
“Matthew—”
“It might be a good idea,” he interrupted suddenly, “for you to get out of town for a while.”
I paused at the sudden change in his tone. “That’s what you came to tell me.”
Dark green eyes wide and serious, he nodded.
I bit my lower lip, thinking. “Why?”
Matthew hesitated, like he knew he shouldn't say anything. “Shit,” he muttered. “God fucking dammit.”
“Matthew, if it’s against the rules, you don’t have to—”
“It’s a rock and a hard place, is what it is, doll.” He sighed, long and low. “If I tell you, I’m crossing a major ethical line as a lawyer. But if I don’t, I’m crossing another as a man.” He looked up. “A man really fucking in love.”
Another arrow. Another spear.
I closed my eyes, trying to will the pain away.
“Fuck it.”
When I opened them, he had already closed the three feet or so between us. His hand slipped around my waist like it belonged there, the other threading through the hair at the back of my head. My arms automatically wrapped around his neck to pull him closer, moving of their own accord as if this were the most natural thing in the world. Our mouths found each other, and for a few minutes, it was like we could both breathe normally again. His kiss, warm and urgent, was oxygen.
After a few minutes, we broke apart, gasping for air between reddened lips. Matthew pressed his forehead to mine as he caught his breath.
“The investigation just got a surveillance warrant for Calvin,” he said. “The judge approved it yesterday.”
The revelation was like a bucket of cold water dumped on top of me. “What?”
His arms released me, and he stepped back as he removed his hat and started rubbing his neck. “I’m sorry, Nina. But that’s all I can really tell you. And I shouldn’t even tell you that.”
“Have you—have you been watching him before now? Us?”
I wasn’t stupid. Unofficial police surveillance was the worst-kept secret in America, and the NYPD was one of the most egregious offenders. Still, I didn’t want to believe that Matthew would have invaded my privacy without telling me.
Suddenly my chest felt like it was made of ice.
Matthew shook his head. “We’ve been tailing him for a while, watching your building and his office, yeah. But nothing tapped. So far.”
I sighed with relief. The idea that he might have seen anything that went on in that apartment…and said nothing…it was unbearable.
“You can expect the apartment to have eyes and ears after Monday, though,” he continued. “I’m supposed to confirm that you’re here or when you leave.”
I stepped farther away, leaned against the old oak tree, and wrapped my arms around my middle before I started shaking. “What—what—what does that mean?”
Matthew watched me sadly. “It means no privacy, baby. It means they’ll be planting cameras and audio in every room.”
Oh, God. The things he would hear there. The things he would see.
“I don’t understand,” I said. “I thought you already had the evidence to indict. I thought the discovery or whatever it’s called was so Calvin’s lawyers could prepare.”
“Nina, we need more than just part ownership in a Brooklyn safe house and a sighting outside,” Matthew said. “But just between us, the investigation sort of hit a dead end a few weeks ago. That’s until my tail found out about—you know what? Never mind. The point is, we’ve been waiting for this, and we need it.”
Something else he probably wasn’t supposed to tell me. And yet, I was glad he did as a single, guilty thought rang through my mind: He doesn’t know.
Maybe he never would.
“Something on your mind?”
I blinked. “What?” Lord, how did he always manage to do that? “No.”
Matthew peered at me a moment more. “You sure?”
I considered coming clean. But then, he had explicitly said not to, hadn’t he? I had to figure this out on my own.
“I’m all right,” I said as another plan fell into place. One I hadn’t even realized I was contemplating with Coral until just this minute. “I can make that work.”
“It’s just for the fall, now that we know the trial date.”
I looked up with surprise. “It’s been set?”
Now it was Matthew’s turn to look surprised. “You didn’t know?” He sighed. “Yeah. The judge wasn’t willing to give us another extension beyond that. Sixty days, and we head straight to trial, whether we have what we need or not. Which is why I’m here, obviously. Not just to…” He worried his jaw, clearly mulling over something. “Look, you wouldn’t happen to know who a Kate Csaszar is, would you?”
I balked. “Now you’ll take information from me?”
“Just answer the question, please.”
But I shook my head. “I’m sorry, no. I’ve
never heard the name before.”
He studied me for a moment, then seemed almost relieved. But he didn’t tell me why he was asking.
“No one else I talk to back there knew her either,” he said. “So I’m back at square one.”
“Did Caitlyn?” I asked before I could stop myself.
“I didn’t ask,” he said evenly. “I was too busy trying to talk to her husband, who had no clue.”
“Well, that’s too bad. She’s the biggest gossip in New York. She probably knows something.”
But Matthew just sighed and shook his head. I couldn’t lie. I was pleased he didn’t want to interact more with Caitlyn.
“Nina, bottom line: we need that surveillance. I’m sorry, but it’s our only other shot before the trial starts.”
The despondency in his voice was clear, and it affected me too. I wasn’t used to Matthew like this. Here was a man so full of swagger, so usually confident, that generally he seemed like he would take on the world rather than admit defeat.
That was when I knew I’d do anything to prevent it. Even sacrifice myself.
I took a deep breath.
“There’s a company,” I said. “An LLC.”
Matthew frowned and shook his head vigorously. “Nina, I told you, I can’t hear any of this from you—”
“You can pretend you heard me mention it to Jane or someone else,” I rattled on, no longer caring what he said. “It’s called Pantheon.”
Matthew froze. “How—how did you know about that?”
Now it was my turn to be shy. “I just do. I know it’s registered anonymously in Delaware. I don’t know everyone who owns it, but”—I swallowed, weighing my words carefully—“Matthew, one of them is Calvin.”
Perhaps I should have told him the rest right then. But when I opened my mouth to do it, he just shook his head vigorously.
“That’s enough, that’s enough,” he said. “I appreciate what you’re doing, Nina, but that’s all you should say.”
“But I—”
“I already knew about Pantheon, doll. And I figured as much that Calvin was one of the owners. We’re trying to prove it right now, which is harder than it sounds.”
The Perfect Woman (Rose Gold Book 2) Page 20
