by Karen Malley
Kathryn shifted Emma’s weight in her lap. Was Adam talking to her? Wasn’t that exactly how she felt? That God didn’t love her because she wasn’t good enough? She’d made some serious mistakes in her past. She scrutinized Adam’s face, trying to get a read on him.
Adam closed the book and stood up. “Let’s get you into bed and say a prayer.” Ben scrambled under the covers. “God, thank You for loving us and wanting to save us. Thank You for caring for the lost sheep. Help us to always follow You and not be lost sheep. Thank You for taking care of Ben and Emma’s daddy. Amen.”
“Amen,” echoed Ben and Emma in unison.
After getting Emma settled in her crib, fulfilling Ben’s multiple requests for a drink of water, and taking him to the bathroom again, half an hour later, Kathryn finally settled on the couch downstairs next to Adam.
“Quite the night, wasn’t it?” Adam asked. “Not exactly how I planned on spending my evening, but it all turned out OK.”
Kathryn’s stomach tightened. It was time to face the music. “Thanks for being here. I’m sorry I haven’t been meeting you for coffee.”
Adam reached out a finger and turned her face toward his. Her cheek tingled at his touch.
“Tell me about Robert.”
Kathryn blinked. “What?”
“You heard me. I want to know about Robert,” he said.
Kathryn’s sense of dread increased. “But why?”
Adam’s face softened. “Because I want to understand you. I want to know what makes you tick, and why, after two months of having coffee together, you never mentioned him.”
Kathryn risked a glance into his deep brown eyes and found nothing but compassion. Those eyes were kind. The words started pouring from her.
“Ever since Robert died, people have been tiptoeing around me. Everyone pities me. I can’t stand it. You were the only person in my life I could talk to without that hanging over me. To everyone at work, I’m ‘the widow’ and they don’t know what to say to me. I pretty much keep to myself.”
Adam rubbed his chin. “They’d probably treat you fine if you gave them a chance. You’ve been through a lot, but you’re an amazing and strong woman. I’ve missed you.”
Kathryn blushed. “I’ve missed you too. So, what did you want to know?”
“Anything. Everything. How did you meet, what made you fall in love? How did he treat you? And most importantly, how are you doing now?”
Kathryn blinked. “Is that all?”
Adam’s eyes twinkled. “For now.” Suddenly, Adam’s brow furrowed, as if he were remembering something. “The night at the hospital, when we first ran into each other…”
“Yes, that was the night Robert died.”
“No wonder you were in such a state. I’m sorry. I wish I had known earlier. Your sister and brother-in-law care for you an awful lot. They worry about you.”
Kathryn grimaced. “I wish they wouldn’t worry. I’m doing OK, especially now that I have a friend to talk to again.” She gave Adam a tentative smile. “Do you really want to hear about Robert?”
“I do.”
“I haven’t talked about him at all since he died.” Kathryn told him.
“Sounds like it’s time to start.”
“I’m not sure about that, but OK.” She took a deep breath. “We met in high school. He was on the basketball team, and I was in the pep band that played for the games. Several times when he was on the bench, I caught him watching me. One day after one of the games, he asked me to meet him for a burger and a milkshake at the local diner. I said yes.”
Adam nodded for her to continue.
“He was a nice guy and treated me well. We dated all through high school. We went to different colleges, but we were only an hour apart. Sometimes he came to visit me, and sometimes I visited him. At some point during college, he got involved in a Christian fellowship group, and got super serious about God. He went to church with his family before that, but I remember when things changed for him.”
“Did you ever spend any time thinking about God?” Adam asked.
“Not much. I went to Sunday School when my grandma took me growing up, but my mom didn’t have much time for church or God or anything. She was working two jobs, and once I was in high school, I was working on weekends too.”
“When did you know that Robert was the one?” Adam asked.
Kathryn cocked her head. “What do you mean?”
“When did you realize Robert was the man you wanted to spend the rest of your life with?” Adam asked.
Kathryn’s forehead crinkled. “I never thought about it that way. Robert was always kind to me, and when he asked me to marry him, I knew that he would be a good husband. I never dated anyone else.”
Adam sat back against the couch. “Wow. That is the least romantic story I’ve ever heard.”
Kathryn hit him with one of the sofa pillows. “Life’s not all romance. I knew Robert cared for me, and because of his faith, he wouldn’t leave me. My dad left my mom when I was 5 years old. I didn’t want that to ever happen to me or my kids.”
“So Robert was a safe, stable choice.”
“You make it sound as if it was a bad one.”
“Not at all, I’m sure he was a wonderful man. He had amazing taste.”
Kathryn’s cheeks grew warm.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I’m glad you found someone you could trust. Your standards for choosing someone worked out better than mine.”
“What do you mean?” Kathryn asked.
“That’s a story for another day. What about your dad? What was that like, growing up without him?”
“What are you, a psychologist?” Kathryn asked.
“I want to know you. You never talk much about your dad. You know all my family stories.”
Kathryn rubbed the back of her neck. “Fine. You want the story? He left when I was five. I spent years believing it was my fault. I looked for him at every soccer game, every piano recital, but he never showed up. Not to high school graduation, not to college graduation, not even to my wedding. My mom got upset every time I mentioned him, so I stopped asking.” She paused. “It’s obvious now that he never cared.”
Adam moved his hand to rub Kathryn’s back. In spite of the tingling that went down her spine, she shrugged him off. “I don’t want sympathy, I’m telling you how it is. You asked.”
“I can’t even imagine. Are you sorry you told me?”
“No. You’re surprisingly easy to talk to. I’m not sure I ever told anyone that before.”
Adam gave her a smile. “I guess that makes me special.” He leaned back, propping his arms along the back of the couch.
Kathryn admired the way his shirt stretched across his broad chest. She resisted the urge to lean against him. What would it feel like to have his arms around me? Before she could do anything stupid, she stood up. “I’ll go make some decaf. Would you like some?”
Adam immediately rose and followed her into the kitchen. “Now that is a mission I can get behind.”
After the coffee finished brewing, Kathryn and Adam settled back on the couch, steaming mugs in hand.
Kathryn did her best to keep her thoughts under control.
Adam kept the questions coming. “How are you doing now? I promise I won’t treat you any differently now that I know you’ve lost your husband, unless, of course, you want me to.”
Kathryn shrugged. “I’m not sure. How I’m doing, that is. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel. It’s lonely, that much I know.” She stared down at her mug. “I feel guilty for not appreciating him more. He was a good friend, and he did his best to take care of things so I didn’t have to worry. You should have seen me trying to run the lawnmower for the first time this summer.” She shared the story.
Adam laughed, then sobered. “How did it work out for you, with his faith being so important to him, and you not sure what you believed?”
Kathryn considered the question for a minute b
efore answering. “I never told him how much I questioned God. We went to church together every week until…” her words drifted off as she found herself back in California, struggling with God, demanding how He could let her get involved in such a mess.
“Until what?” Adam asked, bringing her back to the present.
She blinked. “Nothing, I got busy with school and work, and it was easier not to go and answer all those God questions.”
She didn’t owe Adam a further explanation. She surprised herself by how much she’d opened up to this man. This man that she’d only known for a few months. Still, there was something in him that was unlike anyone else. He was handsome, that was for sure, but that wasn’t it. She loved the way he genuinely seemed to care what she was saying. From the first moment she ran into him, he looked at her as though he cared.
Adam turned toward her. “What are you thinking?”
“It’s just that, well, I don’t know how to say it…” Kathryn faltered.
“Give it a try.”
“You’re different from everyone else. The first time you looked at me, you seemed as if you cared.”
“That’s because I did.”
Kathryn blinked. “But how can that be?”
“That first night, God told me to pray for you.”
“Really?” Kathryn asked. “Did you?”
Adam gazed directly into her eyes.
Her heart skipped a beat.
“Yes.”
Kathryn broke eye contact. “Seems as though all people do around here is pray for me.”
“How can that be a bad thing?” Adam asked.
“Am I such a terrible person that I need everyone praying for me? Why can’t people accept me for who I am instead of praying for me to change?”
“Kathryn, that’s not it at all. I’ve been praying for God to guide you in your life, to help you. And since I learned of Robert’s passing, I’ve been praying for your peace.”
Kathryn was silent. “Can we change the subject now? I’m not sure I’m ready for another deep God discussion.”
~*~
They spent the next few hours talking, sharing life stories. As the night wore on, Kathryn’s head rested on Adam’s shoulder.
Adam was in the middle of a story of something he and his brother had gotten into when they were kids, when he noticed her breathing was slow and steady.
“Kathryn?” he whispered. She was asleep. He relaxed. He breathed in her scent, his heartbeat quickening at her closeness. He resisted the temptation to run his fingers through her hair. He smiled, content, and held her as she fell deeper into sleep. He gently laid her on the sofa, grabbed an afghan off the recliner and covered her up. He settled back in the recliner, watching her sleep, while spending some time in prayer.
“God, please take care of Mark and Anne right now. Thank you that Mark will recover from this trial. Thank you for bringing Kathryn into my life. Please guide her toward choosing You through all this. Please help me to sort out my feelings for her and use me in her life.”
He opened his eyes and stole another peek at her sleeping face. “God, the last thing in the world I want to do is hurt her. But I also can’t stop thinking about her. With all she’s told me about Robert, Anne, and Mark, she won’t take kindly to me trying to preach to her. God, please guide me. It doesn’t seem right for me to spend the night here, but I don’t want her or the kids to wake up and find me gone.” As he continued in prayer, weariness overcame him, and the choice as to whether or not to stay was made for him.
~*~
Kathryn was awakened to the sounds of Emma crying out “Momma! Momma!” She sat up, disoriented and stiff from her night on the couch. She smiled at Adam sleeping in the recliner. She hesitated for a moment, watching him sleep, but hurried upstairs to Emma.
After a diaper change and a sippy cup full of milk, Emma was better, but still asking for her Momma.
Ben padded along downstairs behind Kathryn and ran over to greet Adam. Adam awoke to Ben climbing in his lap, rubbing the stubble on his face.
Kathryn soaked in the picture, loving the disorientation in Adam’s eyes. She could get used to that face first thing in the morning. She blinked hard. What was she thinking?
Adam tousled Ben’s hair and nodded to Kathryn. “Any word yet from Anne and Mark?”
“Not yet. It’s still early.”
Adam stood and tried to stretch out the kinks from his back. He glanced at the clock on the wall. “That wasn’t enough sleep. Can you handle the fort for a bit while I run home to grab a quick shower and change? I can take the kids to church. We’d love for you to join us…” He left the invitation hanging.
Kathryn hated to leave them, but she wasn’t feeling up to church. “You go ahead home. I’ll get the kids some breakfast.” She washed her face in the kitchen sink, plopped Emma in her highchair, and grabbed some bowls, a big box of cereal and some bananas.
Before she finished getting the kids dressed, Adam was back, clean shaven and nicely dressed. Wow, he cleans up well. She inhaled the scent of him and longed to run her hands across his chest. Gaining control of herself, she finished pulling the shirt over Ben’s head. “That was quick. Granted, you had an advantage. You didn’t spend ten minutes trying to get squashed banana out of Emma’s hair after breakfast.”
“No, I just grabbed a granola bar, but I did manage to stop for these.” He held a Styrofoam cup out to her filled with steaming hot coffee. “One cream, two sugars, right?”
She gave him a grateful smile. This guy was too good to be true. After finally getting the kids dressed, and Ben’s bedhead tamed with a wet comb, the door opened downstairs.
“Mommy! Daddy!” Ben went running down the stairs and nearly knocked over an exhausted Anne and Mark.
“Glad you guys made it back in one piece.” Adam grinned at his friends as he and Kathryn made their way into the foyer.
Mark and Anne hugged the kids and assured them that Mark would be fine.
“You guys need to stay here and get some sleep,” Adam said. “I’ll take the kids to church and give you a break. I’ll bring them back after Sunday School. Sound good?”
Anne gave him a tired smile. “If it wouldn’t be too much trouble that would be perfect. Take our van. I’ll help you with the kids’ car seats.” Anne followed Adam out to the driveway.
Kathryn looked at Mark’s fatigued face. “I’m glad you’re OK. I’m heading home to get cleaned up. I’m in need of my toothbrush.”
“Thanks again, Katie. We appreciate it. Come back soon, OK?” Kathryn promised she would. On impulse she ran back into the kitchen and grabbed a pen. Scribbling her number on a napkin, she went outside to Adam.
“I’m going home now, but I thought you might be able to make use of this.” She pressed the napkin into Adam’s hand.
Understanding dawned, and he grinned at her. “Thanks. I’m sorry you won’t be joining us this morning, but you’ll hear from me soon.”
15
Tuesday morning Kathryn dragged herself out of bed. It was always hard getting up this time of year while the sun was still sleeping. After showering and changing, the sun’s rays were peeking through the window, much brighter than usual.
She walked over to the window. The world was covered with a blanket of white. A rush of excitement coursed through her, never having outgrown her childlike love of snow.
Robert never understood it. To him, snow meant shoveling the driveway, dealing with inexperienced drivers, and a general nuisance.
Kathryn loved the beauty of it all. She turned on the coffee pot and bundled up to clear the driveway. She’d be getting to work a little late today.
At lunchtime, her phone rang. She hesitated, as she didn’t recognize the number, but she picked up anyway.
Adam sounded positively giddy. “What an awesome day! I haven’t seen snow for the last two winters. Now it’s starting to feel like Christmas. Do you have a tree yet?”
Getting a tree hadn’t even crossed
Kathryn’s mind. “No, why?”
“Are you busy tonight? I found the best place to get one. If you tell me where to find you, I’ll pick you up at seven. Make sure you bundle up, and wear some boots.”
Kathryn found herself giving Adam her address, and sat staring at the phone. Now he was taking her to buy a Christmas tree? Adam’s enthusiasm was contagious. She was smiling from ear to ear as she walked out of her office. She decided to try Adam’s suggestion of talking to her co-workers. By the end of the day, several people were smiling back at her. Not a bad start.
Seven o’clock couldn’t come fast enough for Kathryn. She made a grilled cheese sandwich and a can of tomato soup. Only a few more weeks until the first cooking class.
By 6:50 PM, she was pacing in the living room, watching as more flakes drifted from the sky.
Right on time, Adam arrived in a blue pick-up truck, snowflakes dancing in the headlights.
Kathryn grabbed her coat and ran out to meet him.
“I would’ve come to the door,” Adam said as she came out to the car.
Kathryn dropped her gaze, embarrassed. “Maybe I was waiting for an excuse to come outside. It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”
Adam grinned. “I love the snow.”
They drove out past the outskirts of town, the hustle and bustle of the shops thinning out into the rolling hills of farmland.
“Where are you taking me?” Kathryn asked.
“Ahh, patience, my dear, patience.”
Thirty minutes later, they pulled into a huge farm area. Trees of all sizes were lined in rows, ready for the choosing.
Adam kept driving.
“Aren’t we getting out to pick one of these trees?” Kathryn asked.
“No ma’am, we’re finding our own.” He drove down a dirt road behind the farm and pulled into a grove of pine trees. With the truck’s headlights illuminating the field, Adam swung himself out of the truck and came around to help Kathryn down.
She drank in the cool clean air, fragrant with pine.
Trudging through the snow between the trees, Adam stopped at an enormous Douglas fir. Full and lush, it stood with noble bearing. Adam took the ax from his shoulder.
