He could remember the facts of things, even if his feelings twisted what they meant.
Once he had replayed Dalejem’s words to him that day, the pain in his chest worsened. He played the words again, realized that his state of mind and the pain he’d been in, embarrassment about Kali and whatever else, had warped that conversation, too.
He hadn’t heard him correctly.
Dalejem had been trying to tell him something, but not the thing Revik had heard.
Maybe he couldn’t let himself go there at the time.
Maybe Balidor was right, and it really was just cowardice.
He bit his lip, staring at the jungle floor without seeing it.
He’d been so sure they would all look at him the way the seers of the Seven had looked at him. More so, given the reputation of the Adhipan for being holy, for being above reproach in terms of ethics and rigid codes about light and dark. He remembered Seertown. He remembered those stares, the fearful flickers of light, the disgust. He’d felt those things the whole time he was there, up until the day he left Vash’s enclave in the Himalayas for the Pamir.
He’d felt similar things from pretty much every seer there, apart from Vash himself.
It had been easier to try and prepare himself for being hated.
It had been easier to close that door before anyone could slam it in his face, to assume the worst in every word and interaction, rather than try to look at the situation objectively.
Realizing he hadn’t learned a damned thing from those monks, in five years of staring at walls and trying to see himself clearly, Revik felt his nausea worsen.
As the pieces fell into place, he felt the pain in his chest worsen, too, even as he raised a hand to his head, clutching at his hair.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
Dalejem let out a humorless laugh.
“I am,” Revik growled. “And fuck you for not telling me. You must have known I didn’t understand. What’s your excuse for not making sure that I did?”
Dalejem gave him a disbelieving look.
“We were under orders! Balidor––”
“I don’t want to hear any more about Balidor!” Revik snapped. “What? Are you a goddamned robot? You couldn’t see that I wasn’t thinking clearly? That I was afraid? Jesus, Dalejem. You, of all people. You knew what a mess I was… and I thought we were friends! I thought we were friends! Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Tell you what, precisely?” Dalejem said. “That I wanted to be the one you came to?”
“Yes!” Revik said, frustrated. “Yes! And why not? You must have known I wanted that. I might have been fucked up in the head, but you weren’t. Hell, if I’d known you were open to it at all, I would have begged you, brother.”
“Yet you never asked me!”
“I couldn’t ask you!”
“But you can offer yourself up to every single one of them instead?”
Revik stared at him, feeling his jaw harden. “Yes.”
Dalejem’s jaw tightened, too.
He stared back at Revik, even as Revik felt a pulse of pain leave the other male’s light. He winced against that pain, not wanting to feel that, either, but he wouldn’t let himself block it, or push it away, even when it hurt.
“Why?” Dalejem said, his voice lower.
Revik clicked softly, shaking his head.
“Gods. I don’t know. I don’t fucking know.” Thinking about his words, he realized that wasn’t entirely true, either. “I didn’t want any of them,” he said. “It was easier.”
Dalejem gave him another disbelieving stare.
Then he laughed, a sound that managed to convey nothing but pure anger.
Staring at Revik in fury, he paced the ground in front of him, glaring at where Revik stood with his back against the kapok tree.
“Bullshit!” Dalejem burst out angrily at him. “Bullshit, Revik! You told us you wanted Mara when you first laid eyes on her! You weren’t in that monk’s cell five minutes before you told all of us about wanting to fuck her!”
Revik shook his head, clicking angrily.
“No,” he said. “That was different.”
“What is different?” Dalejem said. “What is different about that?”
“It is different!” Revik growled, giving him a cold look. “That was my dick talking. Not my mind. Not even my light… which would have fucked anything that breathed at that point in time. I offered myself to all of them because I don’t know any of them. Not apart from you, and you left. You walked out of there… before I even knew you were there. After that, I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t give a damn who it was. The who of it was incidental. I as much as told them that when I made the offer.”
Dalejem folded his arms.
His expression had blanked once more, but not before Revik felt the open skepticism flicker across Dalejem’s light, and saw it flash briefly in his clear, green eyes. Revik saw the distrust there, even through the infiltrator’s mask he wore, and just waited.
He didn’t even know what he was waiting for at that point.
For the other to yell at him again?
To tell him he was liar, some kind of master manipulator… again?
Revik held the other’s gaze, unflinching, at least until Dalejem looked away.
Staring at the ground, the green-eyed seer let out a humorless snort.
He gave Revik another hard look.
“Does it matter to you now, Rook?” he said bitterly.
Revik felt his jaw harden to granite. “What difference does it make now? I can’t do anything about it now!”
Dalejem’s arms unfolded, even as he walked up to Revik again.
Revik couldn’t help it, he flinched.
But the seer didn’t hit him.
He reached for him instead, placing his hands on Revik’s belt.
Revik was hard in about two seconds.
Even so, he grabbed the other’s wrists, stopping him.
“No,” he said, his voice low, almost forced. He shook his head. “No.”
Dalejem looked up. Pain lanced through Revik’s chest when he saw tears in the other’s eyes again. “You’ll do it for them, but not me?”
Revik’s pain worsened. He closed his eyes, gripping the male’s wrists.
After he’d controlled his light, he shook his head.
“I… I care about you,” he managed. His words came out close to angry. “I care about you! What part of that don’t you understand?”
“How about none of it,” Dalejem snapped.
“You do understand. I know you do!”
“No!” the other male said, staring at him in disbelief. “No, I don’t! If we are only friends, as you feel the need to hammer into me again and again… then what difference does it make? Or do you only fuck people you feel nothing at all for, Revik? People you’d just as soon walk away from, so you don’t have to care if they lived or died?”
Revik flinched.
It took him another second to realize at least part of that was because Dalejem used his given name again.
Even most of the previous night, Revik hadn’t heard his actual name all that often.
Dalejem walked closer to him.
Reaching up, he slid his hand into Revik’s hair, gripping it tightly with his fingers. Holding him still, he caressed his neck and jaw with his other hand, like he had that first day, out by the field. He put light into his fingers, more of it when Revik opened, a lot more of it, enough to blank out Revik’s mind. Light came from Dalejem’s chest, from his belly and Revik groaned, fighting to pull himself free, gasping.
When the other male released him, standing back, Revik fought to control his breathing.
Once he had, he felt anger slide forward in his light.
“You won’t even accept affection from me?” Dalejem said, frustrated. “I won’t try to fuck you, Revik. You’ve made your feelings on that topic crystal clear. If we really are friends, like you keep saying, then why can’t I––”
/> “We’re not friends,” Revik cut in. “We’re not.”
He looked up, giving the other male a harder look.
For what felt like a long moment, the two of them just stood there.
“Then what the fuck are we?” Dalejem snapped.
Revik only shook his head, not answering.
He felt the surrender in his own light, seemingly right after the seer spoke. Some part of him had already given in to this. He couldn’t even be sure why he’d been fighting it.
Dalejem must have felt the change in his light.
That time, when the other seer moved towards him, Revik deliberately softened his body. He leaned against the tree, opening his light, opening his hands and arms to make it clear he wasn’t going to stop him. When Dalejem got close enough, Revik tried to open the other seer’s light, too, sliding himself deeper into him as soon as Dalejem reached for his belt.
That time, when Dalejem started undoing the clasp, Revik let out a low groan.
He began unhooking the front of the armored vest the other male wore.
He had it open and was yanking it down his arms and off his shoulders, when Dalejem stopped him, gripping both of his wrists.
“What are we doing here?” Dalejem said.
His voice came out low, a near murmur.
He met Revik’s gaze from only a few inches away, reminding him again that they weren’t far off one another in height.
“What are you doing, brother?” Dalejem said. “Now. With me. What is this? You haven’t been clear with me about any of this.”
Revik felt the pain on the other male and closed his eyes, longer than a blink.
He slid his hands into Dalejem’s hair, pulling on him, hard, with his light and fingers. Hearing the other seer let out a pained breath, Revik lowered his head, unthinking, and kissed him, using so much of his light in his tongue and lips that Dalejem groaned against his mouth, gripping the front of his vest. When the kiss deepened, Dalejem slid his hand deliberately down over the front of Revik’s pants, massaging him with strong fingers.
By the end of the second kiss, Dalejem was leaning on him, his arm wrapped around Revik’s waist. Revik gripped his hair tighter, fisting it in his hands, and kissed him again. He opened his light more, and the other male let out another groan.
Revik got lost there, somehow.
They kissed like that for a long time, for what felt like an endless amount of time.
Revik found himself pulling more, harder and yet more subtly on Dalejem’s light, pulling on it and winding himself into it, experimenting until he was panting against his neck and mouth. He lost himself in another kiss, still gripping the other’s hair as he pressed his lower body against him, against his hand, against his body.
“Gaos,” he heard Dalejem murmur when they came up for air. “Of course you’d fucking kiss like this. Of course. A fucking toddler, and you kiss like this––”
“Brother, I––”
“Shut the fuck up, Revik.”
Confusion swam over Revik’s light, but then the other seer had his hands on him again, massaging him for real, taking off his clothes. Revik stopped thinking at all when Dalejem began opening his light more, pulling on him, asking Revik to do the same.
When Dalejem didn’t stop, Revik’s light opened more. He pressed his whole body against the older seer’s, letting out a low groan.
Somewhere in that, he remembered where they were.
Staring around at the jungle, half-dazed, he fought to think.
“How long has it been?” Dalejem said.
Revik turned, staring at him.
The question confused him.
The night before. Dalejem saw it. He knew about––
“I didn’t mean since you had an orgasm, Revik,” Dalejem said drily. “I meant since you kissed someone you actually liked.”
Revik froze.
Then, thinking about the other’s words, he fought to answer them. His mind went utterly blank though, and not only from the memory wipe Vash and Galaith performed.
“I don’t know,” he said, gruff.
“You don’t know?”
Revik shook his head, his voice still low. “I don’t. I really don’t.”
Dalejem’s sculpted lips twisted in a faint frown.
Revik didn’t see anger in him that time as much as a wanting to know, an almost frustrated desire to understand something he clearly didn’t understand. Revik was still watching his face when Dalejem slid down the front of him, until he was on his knees, unfastening his pants with rough, deft fingers.
Revik let out a startled gasp.
Before he could recover, Dalejem yanked Revik’s belt open entirely. He finished undoing the front of his pants, sliding his hands between Revik’s thighs…
When the green-eyed seer stopped.
He looked up, that perfect mouth set in a hard line.
“No,” he said.
“No?” Revik’s voice came out nearly hoarse. “No? Now? Why?”
“No.” Dalejem abruptly regained his feet, looking him straight in the eye. “We’re going back. You’re taking a fucking shower, brother. You can at least do that for me. I’ll try to let it go, what you made me listen to for most of last night, but don’t expect me to bathe in it. Don’t expect me to be very nice about it for most of today, either.”
Revik stared at him for a moment.
Then he felt heat warm his cheeks, even as he fumbled with his belt to get it back on and done up. Pain rippled through his light, making him feel sick, but he remained silent.
Really, he couldn’t find much to say in argument against the other’s words.
Still, being cut off from Dalejem’s light so suddenly left him lost-feeling, in enough pain that he found he couldn’t meet the other seer’s gaze.
Embarrassment pulsed off his aleimi, making that worse.
Flickers of memory rose around the night before, seen through a different lens now that he knew Dalejem had witnessed some, most, or possibly all of it. Revik shoved those memories aside a moment later, knowing the other seer would likely feel him thinking about that, too, given how close they stood, and how much they’d just wrapped into each other’s light.
Revik didn’t really know how Dalejem might react to seeing that again, after everything they’d just done and said.
He didn’t really want another punch in the face, or a knee to the groin.
He also didn’t want Dalejem to walk away.
When he looked up next, the green-eyed seer was only waiting for him, though, patiently holding out a hand.
Before Revik could take it, Dalejem retracted his fingers, frowning.
“Gods,” Revik said, fighting an urge to shake him, maybe even to hit him. “What? What now? I’ll take a fucking shower, okay? I just want you to take it with me––”
“It’s not that.”
“Then what?” he said, frustrated.
“Are you going to rescind your offer?” Dalejem said.
Clenching his jaw, he faced Revik directly, hands on his hips, his lips curled in a frown.
His words sounded a hell of a lot more like a demand than a question.
“Am I just next on your list, Dehgoies?” he said. “Or are you going to tell the rest of those fuckers to back off? To leave you the hell alone?”
Revik stared at him, blank.
Watching him, Dalejem frowned harder.
“You’re not going to continue sleeping with them?” he said, pushing at Revik harder with his light. “Because if you are, you can forget about sleeping with me, brother. In fact, if you are, you’d better stay the hell away from me, because I really might hurt you again. Next time, it might be more than a black eye.”
Revik’s lips turned in a frown. He stared at the other male, half in disbelief now.
For a longer moment, he debated whether to speak.
Then he shoved caution aside, and just said it.
“What are you really asking me, brother?” he gr
owled. He heard the edge creep back into his voice, even as he switched to formal Prexci, maybe to better make his point. “Are you asking me for an agreement? Or just toying with me by implying it? Would you rather just take the right to order me around, like some kind of control-freak dulesri? Or do you intend to ask me for it, as if you actually saw me as an equal?”
There was a silence.
In it, Dalejem blinked, staring at him.
Then the older seer burst out in a laugh.
For the first time that day, it sounded like a real laugh.
Revik felt a heated flicker of desire off the other seer, too.
“Nicely said,” Dalejem smiled.
After another pause, he smiled again, clicking at him softly.
“An agreement, brother,” he said, giving him a slight bow. His voice grew formally polite, even as he switched to the same language Revik had used, despite the smile still teasing his lips. “I am asking you for an agreement, if you are at all amenable to the idea. One that preferably doesn’t involve you offering yourself as a fuck-toy to every other seer in hearing distance. One that might just keep you alive, if you intend to share a bed with me.”
Revik felt the pain in his chest worsen, but only nodded.
“You are not as… laid back… as you pretend, brother.”
Dalejem gave him a denser look. “You think I am manipulating you?”
Revik shook his head. “No. That’s not what I meant.”
“Do you think you are too young for me, brother?”
Revik frowned, staring at him. “No. I wasn’t saying that, either.”
There was a silence.
Then, remembering something else, Revik looked up, his mouth firming.
“I have to go back,” he reminded him. “After.”
“Back?” Dalejem’s eyes blanked. “What does that mean?”
“The Pamir,” Revik said. “I have to go back to the Pamir. To the caves. To those monks. I’m in penance.”
Looking at him for a longer moment, Dalejem nodded, offering his hand again.
“We’ll talk about that when it happens,” he said neutrally.
Feeling the reassurance in the other’s light, Revik felt his shoulders start to relax. Even so, he glanced around at the trees, feeling suddenly nervous as he looked at the other male.
The Defector Page 23
