by McLean, Jay
One time he asked me what I had to do to get Virginia to sign the divorce papers, and I told him the truth—that I called her a bitch for the way she’d treated Mia, and since that didn’t work, I threatened to call her current employer and reveal all the times she made sexual passes at my dad… and us. The last part was lie. But whatever it took, I was making sure I wasn’t leaving until those papers were signed. I’m pretty sure that was the moment I won him over.
Mia says that he’s really working hard to make up for the mistakes he made in the past. He often tells her that walking out on her was his biggest regret, and then coming back for her only to watch his father die—it kind of messed with his head. She’s too grown now for him to be a father to her, but he tries. And he’s a really good grandfather to Benny, which is all that matters. She says he has a hard time expressing his emotions, so he shows his love and devotion to them in other ways—mainly by spoiling them with material things they don’t necessarily want or need. But, she understands that it’s his way of trying to heal the pain of their past, so she lets him.
Tammy spends most of her time at the farm working on the memorial garden for John at the back of the house. She doesn’t love New York or the lavish lifestyle that her fiancé leads, but she does love Joseph, always has and always will, and so she makes compromises. Because, as she once said while I was helping her dig a hole for a lemon tree, “That’s what love is, Leo. A compromise.” I’d looked over at Benny and Mia then, the two of them lying together on a picnic blanket in the grass, their hands raised, fingers aimed to the sky as they pointed out images formed by the clouds.
I know that at some point, Mia and I will have to have The Talk. We’d discussed having The Talk in the future so often that we could’ve had The Actual Talk by now. The problem is, I’m still at the academy, and until that’s done, I won’t be able to make any decisions regarding my future. Or maybe that’s just our way of justifying it, because the truth is, I don’t think either of us knows how to go forward once it’s over. We’ll have no more excuses, and we’ll have to deal with reality, and that reality sucks.
I’ve come to hate the word “visit” because I don’t feel like my son should “visit” me, or I should “visit” him. And sure, that works for other people, but it doesn’t work for me.
I spend almost every waking second with Benny doing whatever the hell he wants. He wants to go on an adventure? We’re going on an adventure. He wants me to stand like a statue and have him climb me? Sure, bud. Hop on. He wants to have a pretend dinner party with rocks as our guests? I’m cooking whatever he wants to serve them. He wants me to tickle his mama until she cries out that she’s about to wet her pants? Absolutely, I can do that.
I swear this kid is beyond anything and everything I could’ve dreamed my son to be. I just… I wish I had someone to share that joy with besides Mia.
I’ve told her that whenever she’s ready for Benny to know, I am, too. I want to be his dad more than anything in this entire world, but I also know that it’s something she has to work through. Once he knows, I’m going to have to tell my family, and that’s a step she’s not quite ready for. Which, unfortunately, I understand.
But, it’s getting harder and harder to come up with lies every other weekend for why I’m not going home. I had to miss another one of Logan’s therapy sessions—though, I don’t know that my heart could handle another one.
For him, I’d overcome it.
For him, I’d do anything.
Laney is suspicious, of course, and she thinks that there’s a girl involved. I don’t discredit her assumption, because there is a girl.
Once Benny is tucked into bed at night and it’s just Mia and me, it takes everything in me not to rip off her clothes and throw her down on the couch and do dirty, filthy things to her. We kiss. Or, more specifically, she kisses me. It’s always quick and chaste, and there’s never any tongue, which sucks, because I miss the way she tastes, both her mouth and other parts. She doesn’t do it to tease me. It’s like she can’t control herself, and then she’ll back away as if it never happened, and I roll my eyes, but I also agree with her.
Early on, we decided that getting to know Benny was the priority, and whatever we felt for each other would have to wait. I think there’s still a part of her that fears that she’s forcing me to be in his life, and having us “involved” will only add to that pressure. I’ve tried numerous times to convince her otherwise, but I have to accept that this is her battle she has to conquer on her own.
When we’re apart, I video call them every night, which is what I’m doing now. Mia answers after a few rings, and I can tell right away that she’s exhausted. Benny’s been sick the past few days with a summer cold. Tammy’s in Tennessee visiting her parents, and her dad can’t risk getting sick because he has a conference coming up that he can’t miss. Mia still has to work and study, so she’s been doing a lot on her own, and I hate it for her. Still, I can’t help smiling when she comes into view, her wavy hair up in a messy, lopsided knot on top of her head. Dark circles surround those light brown eyes, there’s no color in her cheeks, and I’m pretty sure there’s some type of red sauce smeared on her chin. She looks… a mess. But god, is she beautiful. “Benny’s playing in the shower,” she says in greeting, then narrows her eyes. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
My smile widens, and I sigh heavily, shaking my head. “I’ve spent a hell of a lot of years in love with you, Mia.” I shrug. “Hard habit to break.”
“Stop it,” she scolds, leaning against the doorframe of what I assume, going by the shower’s noise, is the bathroom. She opens her mouth to say something more, but her eyes dart to the side. “Benny, no! You’re going to break the glass!”
Benny giggles.
After a groan, she turns back to me. “Sorry.”
“It’s okay.” I can’t stop smiling. “How is he?”
“He’s feeling much better the last couple of days, so—” Her focus shifts. “All right! Time to get out. You’re not listening.” To me, she says, “I’m going to get him ready for bed. We’ll call you back in ten.” She hangs up before I can respond, and, ten minutes later, her number shows up on my phone. When I answer, all I see is a black hole.
“Benny, I’m sure Leo doesn’t want to see up your nose,” Mia says.
I chuckle.
And then I’m blessed with the beauty of Bennett. I understand now why Mia named him that. “Hey, buddy!”
“Hi, Leo!” He smiles wide, laying his head on the pillows on his bed. “I peed in the shower.”
I stifle my laugh. “I thought your mama said you shouldn’t do that anymore.”
“I got it all over the glass!”
“You did, huh?”
He nods, his small head moving erratically. “And then I tried to clean it with my feet.” He sneezes so loud, I can’t help but chuckle.
“Your mama says you’re feeling better. That’s good, right?”
He nods again. “I had a nose full of boogers. Still some there. Wanna see?”
I bust out a laugh. “I’m good, Benny. Thank you, though.”
“Did you know wombat poop is square?”
What is it with boys and poop? “I did not know that.”
“Do you know the colors of the rainbow?”
“I do.”
He raises his eyebrows expectantly.
“Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet—in that order.”
His bright eyes widen. “How do you know?”
“My sister taught me,” I say. “She said if you remember the name ROY G BIV, then you can remember the colors.”
“You have a sister?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t have a sister.”
I smile. “I know.”
“What’s her name?”
“Lucy.”
“Do you have brothers?” he asks, but it comes out bruvvas.
Nodding, I tell him, “I have five.”
�
�What are their names?”
“Lucas, Logan, Lincoln, Liam and Lachlan.”
“Leooooo,” he sings.
“Beeeeeenny,” I mimic.
He puts a finger to his lips. “Cute, little Mama’s sleeping.” Then he points the phone to a sleeping Mia on a cushion made to look like a rock. Before I can stop him, Benny’s yelling, “Wake up, Mama!”
I wince as Mia’s eyes snap open. “Oh my god.” She takes the phone from Benny. “How long was I out?”
“Less than a minute,” I tell her.
She sighs, then the phone shifts, and I can hear her kissing Benny, most likely on the forehead like she does every night. “Goodnight, Benny. Mama loves you.”
“Luhyoo, too,” he replies.
“No sneaking out tonight, okay, buddy? Mama’s got a lot of work to do.”
“Okay, Mama.”
Benny shows up on the screen again, and my lips pull up at the corners. “Goodnight, buddy.”
Benny lets out a giant yawn before saying, “G’night, Leo.”
Mia’s back on the screen, and I see her closing Benny’s bedroom door. She moves from there to her office. I’ve been on video calls with them so many times, I can make out the floor plan of their apartment. She sits down on the chair behind her desk before focusing on me. Tired eyes blink slowly, slowly. “Hey,” she says through a sigh.
“Hey.” I try to force a smile, but it’s hard when I see the deep frown marring her beauty. “Are you okay?”
She glances down, her shoulders rising with her deep inhale, and when she looks back up, her eyes are glazed with tears. “I’m so exhausted,” she says, trying to hold back a sob. I sit a little taller on the couch while she lets out a long, heavy breath. Shaking her head, she says, “I have so much work to do, and I can’t even keep my eyes open.”
“I’m sorry, Mia, I wish—”
“When Benny was sick, he was up, like, every hour, and I couldn’t get anything done. And Tammy’s been gone, and I had all this course work to submit, so I had to focus on that, and now I’m behind with my actual work. At least a week behind, and I’m so…” She trails off sighing and sets the phone down on the desk to where I can still see her, but her hands are free, and she uses those hands to extend the sleeve of her top and wipe at the tears flowing too fast, too free. “I’m so tired, and I have to get so much done, and I have tomorrow and the weekend to do it all because it’s due Monday.” She covers her eyes, her shoulders shaking with every sob. “I’m just overwhelmed,” she says, sucking in a breath before lowering her hands. “I’m sorry, that was so much to dump on you.”
My eyes track her every move, my heart heavy with sympathy and guilt and everything in between. “I’m sorry you’re going through this,” I say, my voice low. “I wish I could do something.”
She shakes her head. “It’s okay. It’s just… a slump, I guess.” She rubs her eyes before saying, “I think I just need to nap for like an hour, and then I’ll be fine. I just need to recharge.” She attempts a smile. “Call us tomorrow?”
“Of course,” I say through an exhale.
“Okay.” She hangs up, and I stare at the now-blank screen of my phone. For minutes, I just sit there, thinking about her and everything she has to do. Then I move to the kitchen counter and open one of the manuals the academy supplies us. I try to concentrate on the words written on the pages, but my focus is elsewhere. In New York. Approximately… how many miles apart are we?
I open my laptop and click on the web browser. I type in North Carolina to New York City. The first search result is for flights. There are forty-four nonstop flights per day, and it takes less than two hours to get there. I don’t even think. I just click, click, pull out my credit card, click some more, then set the alarm for early the next morning.
Chapter Seventy-Two
Leo
It wasn’t hard to find the address for Kovács Industries—it’s right there on their website. JFK Airport had more people in one place than I’ve probably ever seen in my entire existence. Finding the cab bay was easy, and according to the information online, there’s a flat fee to take you into the city, where their office is. The ride feels never-ending. We’re stopping and starting and stopping and starting. Everything is so different from home, and I don’t know where to look. It’s weird to think that I can be on a plane for two hours and experience a full-blown culture shock, but that’s exactly what’s happening.
My return flight leaves on Sunday afternoon, so I didn’t have a lot to pack. All I had with me was a backpack full of clothes, my phone, and my wallet. It’s the same as I have when I go to the farm. It was supposed to be my weekend home, so I had to lie—again—and tell Dad that I was being dragged to a bachelor party for one of the guys in the academy. I hated lying, but I didn’t know what else to do. I should be there, but I need to be here.
“Here you are,” my driver says, pulling up to the tallest building I’ve ever seen, all glass, too many people walking briskly in and out.
I pay him a ridiculous amount of money and step out, trying not to look too much like a tourist. The first thing I notice is that the air is different. The second is that everyone is fast, too fast, and standing on the sidewalk looking up at a building is frowned upon. Noted. I grip the straps of my backpack and enter through one of the eleventy-three doors. I’m underdressed. I’m in a T-shirt, basketball shorts, and sneakers, and everyone is in suits and sweater-vests. I have to laugh at the thought, and now I’m standing in the middle of a vast foyer laughing to myself, looking like a whack job. Awesome. I check my phone for the floor for Kovács Industries. Floors 17-21. Shit. Where the fuck do I even begin to look for Mia? I walk to the elevator, ignoring the looks of suspicion from everyone around me. When the elevator doors open, there’s a man in there whose job is to press the buttons… I guess. I’ve never been anywhere this fancy. He looks at me, and I look at him, and I almost want to tell him I can press my own button. Instead, I mumble, “Seventeen.” He eyes me the same way everyone in the foyer did and taps the button.
The low hum of annoying music fills the elevator as I watch the numbers above the door glow higher and higher. People get on and off, and when I finally get to seventeen, I turn to the elevator man and say, “Thank you.”
He just stares at me, his eyes wide.
I step out of the cart before wondering if maybe I should have tipped him? Is that how it works here? Dammit. Before I can overthink it, the woman behind the large desk right in front of me asks, “Can I help you?” She’s in her late twenties, I guess, and wearing a blindingly bright green blouse, her blond hair pulled up in a perfect little bun.
The Kovács Industries logo is printed on the wall behind her, and so I step forward, moving out of the way of the people walking back and forth. I ask, “Is… um… Is Mia around?”
“Mia...?”
“Kovács.”
Her eyes widen before she plasters on a smile that wasn’t there only seconds ago. “Her office is on the twentieth floor,” she tells me.
“So, do I just…?” I point behind me.
“No.” She shakes her head, standing to point to my left. “You can take the internal elevator to her floor. There’s another information desk there. Trent will be able to help you.”
“Okay,” I breathe out.
She smiles. “You’re from out of town, aren’t you?”
“Am I that obvious?”
She laughs quietly. “Are you a friend of Mia’s?”
I nod. “I guess, yeah.”
“That little boy of hers is just gorgeous.”
“You know Benny?”
“Are you kidding?” she almost scoffs. “He’s the apple of his papa’s eye.” And then she winks, and I don’t know if she’s flirting or if she’s insinuating she knows who I am because Benny and me—we really do look alike. In any case, I hightail it out of there and make my way to the elevator. Another minute passes, and I’m at another desk, and there’s a younger guy behind this one. He
isn’t dressed as professionally as the others I’ve seen in the building. I look around before I make my way over. This floor is open, desks scattered in groups. Glass walls surround the offices lining the exterior, and… there’s a basketball hoop in the corner. “Yo,” the guy calls out. I assume he’s Trent. “You good, bro?”
I take the few steps to get to him. “Yeah, is Mia Kovács around?”
His eyes squint, assessing me, and then he nods, slowly. “Do you have an appointment?”
I shake my head. “Is that a problem?”
His shoulders lift with his shrug. “Give me a sec. I’ll try calling her office.” He picks up the phone, taps it a few times, and then I wait, look around some more. The people on this floor seem young, like—just out of college. Some of them are dressed in slacks and button-up shirts, but a lot of them are in jeans and casual shirts. “She’s not answering,” he says, and then his attention moves to a guy coming up to the desk.
“What’s good?” the guys asks Trent.
“Not much, man. You seen Mia around?” he asks, motioning to me.
The new guy looks me up and down and then shoves his hands in his jeans pockets. “You’re here for Mia?”
I nod, already hating this guy without knowing a thing about him.
He smiles to one side. “Good luck, man. We’ve all tried.”
I stand to full height, noting I’m a few inches taller. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Ooh…” he says, his hands going up in surrender. “You, like, know know her.”
“Caleb, shut up,” Trent tells him. Smart guy. “If Joseph knows you’re talking about her like that, you may as well pack your shit now.”
