by McLean, Jay
I don’t want to be here.
“Hey, you good?” Leo says, standing beside me, his mouth so close to my ear, I can feel his warm breath flood across my neck. Another time, it would have set off the butterflies, or at the least comforted me. Now, it just agitates me. “Here, I got it,” he says, carefully moving me out of the way to undo the seat belt.
“Benny! My little man. I missed you, buddy!” His voice is calm, a complete opposite of everything inside me. He helps Benny out of the truck, taking his hand, and I see him and Holden greet each other. But it’s like I’m watching a movie… from below the surface of a lake.
A lake.
I don’t want to be here.
Everything is a blur, voices muffled, and I can’t even focus enough to listen to the introductions. It’s not until Holden stands beside me, his hand gentle on my shoulder, that I blink, come to. I look up at him, and he offers an assuring smile. “You got this,” he mouths. “For Benny.”
I nod. I do got this.
“Deep breaths, Mia Mac,” Holden whispers, and so I inhale as much air as I can handle, let it out slowly, and refocus.
“I love your costume, buddy,” Leo says, squatting down in front of Benny.
“I dressed like you!” Benny shouts.
On the porch, the girl I assume is Logan’s girlfriend sighs. “I can’t with this cuteness,” she says, looking over at Logan. He smiles at her, and I wonder how perfect she must be to be good enough in his eyes.
Leo stands and turns to face his family. “Remember how I told you I had five brothers?” he asks Benny, and Benny nods. “Well, this is all of them.”
They file down the porch steps—one by one—to greet my son in different ways. Mr. Preston’s the last, and Benny looks up at him, gives him a megawatt smile. “Hi, Mr. Preston, sir!” he says, waving his little hand.
“Hi, Benny. It’s good to see you again.” His smile is forced.
I don’t want to be here.
“You’re all so big and strong,” Benny tells them, his head moving from side to side.
Lincoln, one of the twins, laughs at this and says, “You’ll probably be big and strong like us, too.”
“Why?” Benny asks, head tilted.
My heart leaps out of my chest, and I try to come up with a response. I can see everyone else doing the same. Leo assured me his brothers wouldn’t say a damn thing. We didn’t want it coming out, not from them. We wanted— “Leo said you eat all your vegetables, right?” It’s Logan who speaks.
Benny nods.
“Well, vegetables make you big and strong.” Logan smirks, then flexes his bicep. “I eat them all the time and look at me.”
Benny laughs, then shakes his head at Logan. “You’re not as big and strong as Leo!” he says, tugging on Leo’s arm in excitement. “He’s bigger than all of you!” He looks at Mr. Preston, his smile lopsided. “Even you!” That gains a round of laughter, even from me.
“We’re just waiting on Katie, my granddaughter, and Preston, Leo’s godson. They should be here soon,” he says, looking at my dad. “Did you want to come in for a drink?”
“Sure,” Dad says, taking Tammy’s hand as they follow behind Mr. Preston.
“This is a lovely home you have here,” Dad murmurs.
I don’t hear Mr. Preston’s response, because they’re already in the house.
Benny looks between Lincoln and Liam, his eyes narrowed. “Why are there two of you?”
Leo laughs, saying, “They’re twins. Do you know what twins are?”
Shaking his head, Benny answers, “No.”
“It means they were in my mama’s belly at the same time.”
Benny’s eyes widen. “How did they get in there?”
“Um…” Leo turns to me, his cheeks reddening.
“Hey, Benny!” Logan calls, distracting Benny. He reaches behind the porch to collect a blue bucket. “I hear you like rocks?”
Benny’s eyes light up. He’s so excited, he’s practically jumping in his spot. “I do!” he squeals, taking the bucket from Logan.
“See there?” Logan says, pointing to Benny’s name on the bucket in a darker shade of blue. He points to Laney, saying, “She put that there just for you, bud.”
“Thank you!” Benny grips the bucket to his chest, then looks up at Leo. “Adventure time?”
Leo nods. “You go ahead. My brothers will go with you. I’ll catch up in a minute.”
I start to say no, but Holden stops me. “He’s fine, Mia.”
I watch as Logan and Lucas walk on either side of Benny, leading him away. “Hi,” Leo says, stopping in front of me.
“Hi,” I repeat.
“It’s going to be okay, Mia.” He presses his lips to my forehead. “Just relax.” And then he’s kissing me, full open mouth, his arms wrapped around my waist, and I melt into the comfort of his embrace, living for the moment, for the now.
“Gross,” Holden mutters, and Leo and I pull away just in time to see him going into the house.
“I missed you,” Leo says.
“I can tell,” I laugh out, wiping the evidence of our kiss from his lips.
Leo sighs, loosening his hold on me. “So, at some point, my dad wants to talk to you.”
I grimace.
He shakes his head. “Don’t worry, okay?”
I grimace harder.
Leo chuckles. “Quit being so fucking cute all the time, or I’ll take you up to my room right now and fulfill all my childhood fantasies.”
“Shut up,” I whisper, shoving his shoulder.
“You think I’m playing?” He cocks an eyebrow.
“I know you’re not,” I murmur. “That’s why shut up.” I look over his shoulder at his brothers walking with Benny, stopping every few seconds to look at something. “It was really nice of them, the whole bucket and rock thing, and swear—when Lincoln said—”
“Lincoln’s an idiot.” He rolls his eyes. “But I swear to you, Mia. They’re not the same people they were back then. They’ve been super supportive and asking questions about him, and they’re excited for me.”
“They are?” I ask, trailing my eyes back to him.
“They are. So relax,” he says, shaking out my arms. “Benny’s going to have a great time.”
A good half-hour of rock hunting with Leo’s brothers later, Lucy arrives with her husband, Cameron, and their daughter, Katie. Katie is dressed as a princess, tiara and all, and after formally introducing me to her husband, Lucy gets me in a surprisingly tight hug considering her size. She whispers, “Penis gossip,” in my ear, and I laugh, wondering if she even registers that the penis I’d be gossiping about belongs to her brother.
Holden is intrigued by Lucy. Not in the way that he wants her, but he finds her lack of effs given when she speaks fascinating. It was the same reaction I had when we had drinks at the sports bar all those months ago. Leo, Holden, and I sit with Cam and Lucy on the porch while our parents sit out back and the rest of the Prestons get changed into their costumes. Some will be staying here to hand out treats, and others will come with us to go trick-or-treating. “She’s so cute,” I tell Lucy, watching Katie toddle around the yard. Benny is smitten with her, following her around, trying to show her his rocks she has absolutely no interest in.
“She’s a handful,” Lucy says, sitting on her husband’s lap. “But you would know what that’s like,” she adds with a smile. Cameron doesn’t even stop the conversation he’s having with Holden—something about baseball. He merely curls his hand around his wife’s waist, pulling her closer.
Katie trips on the grass and falls to her stomach. Leo stands, ready to save her, but Benny beats him to it, dropping his bucket and rushing to her. “Oopsies,” he says, helping Katie sit first, and then get back onto her wobbly feet. “I got you, princess,” he tells her, and the coo that comes from Lucy and me may as well be one sound.
Then Lucy scoffs. “Sit down, Leelee! You’re such a helicopter parent!”
“I said
the same thing!” I laugh out, catching the look Holden gives me. It takes a moment for me to register what it means. It’s only now I realize the nerves and anxiety and fear I’d been drowning in have faded, and I’m… I’m fine.
For the past two weeks, I’ve been worrying about this one night, going through every possible scenario, all of them ending horribly. There was no way I thought I would come out of this alive. But I’m here, smiling and laughing with Leo’s family, and everything is fine.
Good, even.
Another truck pulls up with the same Preston, Gordon & Sons logo on the side as most of the other vehicles here. From what I recall, Brian is Laney’s dad, and Misty is his girlfriend or fiancée—wife, maybe? Misty is in law enforcement here and helped Leo with the process. They have a son named Preston, who is Leo’s godson. I’m pretty sure Preston and Benny are similar in age. We all stand to greet them while Leo shouts over his shoulder, “Dad! They’re here!”
Misty opens the back door, and a moment later, a dark-haired little boy jumps down from the truck. He’s dressed as a police dog, I guess, and holding on to a bright yellow dump truck. “Chaaaase!” Leo sings, moving toward him.
“I thought his name was Preston,” I mumble, more to myself than anyone else.
“You don’t know Chase?” Lucy asks. “From Paw Patrol.”
“Oh.”
“You have a dump truck?” Benny asks, going up to Preston. Leo introduces them, and then Preston nods, hugging Katie when her tiny little arms reach for him. “Do you want to play?” Preston asks Benny.
“Can I put my rocks in your truck?”
“Yes!”
“How easy would life be if we, as adults, could make friends like kids do?” Holden says, standing beside me. “Just go up to someone and be like, ‘Yo, wanna play?’ And boom, friends for life.”
“Benny’s never had a friend his age,” I murmur.
“Benny has never had friends, period. He’s surrounded by adults. That’s the problem with where you live.” He shrugs. “Maybe it’ll be different once he gets to school.”
“Maybe.” I watch the three kids play together in the front yard as the sun begins to lower.
“You okay?” Leo asks.
“Look at him,” I say, voice low. “He’s never made friends this easy before. He’s always anxious or scared, and here—it’s like he’s… comfortable.” I look up at Leo for a response, but he’s too busy watching them, his brow knitted. We stay quiet a moment, both of us watching our son. Then he throws his arm over my shoulders, bringing me close. “What are you thinking?” I ask him.
Leo shrugs. “Just wondering…” he says, turning to me. “Has he ever had an outburst at the farm?”
I try to remember if he has, but I can’t think of a single time. “Not that I recall.”
Leo nods at this. “Noises get to me,” he states.
My eyebrows raise. “Noises?”
“Yep. People. Crowds. Noises. I get, like, anxious. I feel like I’m always on the edge of a panic attack that never comes.”
“Did you feel like that in New York?” I ask, my brow dipped in concern.
“A little. It would’ve been worse when I was a kid. It’s gotten better, though. I think college helped.”
I nod as if I understand, but my mind is spinning, running in circles. I look back at our little boy while he, Preston, and Katie play together, their laughter unconfined. And slowly, surely, I feel the tightness I’ve carried in my chest for over eight years begin to fade, to dissipate.
Chapter Eighty-One
Mia
Lucy and I walk, elbows linked, behind the kids while Cameron and Leo walk them to each door, letting them knock. I smile every time they squeal when they get treats. “Benny’s having fun,” Lucy hums.
“He is. This is his first real Halloween. We don’t get to celebrate it at home.”
“No?”
I shake my head. “We live in an apartment above a hotel, so the whole door-knocking thing would probably be frowned upon.”
“Right. Yeah, Leo mentioned that,” she says, and then she turns, looking at someone behind us. I follow her gaze to Mr. Preston, his smile strained as he looks down on us.
“Lucy, any chance I could steal Mia for a moment?”
“Sure.” Lucy untangles her arm from mine before joining the kids.
“Mia,” Mr. Preston deadpans. I look behind me for my dad and Tammy, making sure they know exactly what’s happening. They’re only a few steps behind, and Dad jerks his head, just once, a silent message. Behind them is Holden, chatting up a young mom holding a baby dressed as a pumpkin.
“Mr. Preston,” I reply, voice wavering.
I wonder what he has to say that he couldn’t say in front of everyone else. Does he want to thank me for bringing Benny here? Because I didn’t do it for him. Does he want—“You know why I invited you to stay with us those summers?” Or he could say that.
Looking up at him, I shake my head. It’s all I can do. “Because Kathy—my late wife—she would’ve done the same thing.” He shrugs. “Sometimes, I try to do things because I know she’ll be proud of me. My kids are all so proud of her. She was… an amazing mother. And I want my kids to think of me the same. I think that’s every parent’s goal, right?”
Another nod.
“But I think there was something more. My wife believed undoubtedly in fate, and you... you spending time with Leo those summers here and even the ones at your grandpa’s farm... you changed him, Mia. He went from this quiet kid who just followed the crowd and did what was expected of him, to this man who… who stood proud, who gained a purpose. And I…” He clears his throat before adding, “I didn’t see the changes in him until it was too late. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I overstepped, Mia. And I owe you a giant apology. The fact that you’re even here shows a level of maturity and grace, that, to be frank, I don’t carry myself. I’ve proven that. So…” He stops in the middle of the sidewalk and drops his eyes to mine—eyes filled with desperation and longing—not for me, but for the little boy currently running toward me yelling, “Mama, Mama, look!”
“I hope you don’t hate me for speaking out of turn, Mia. And I hope you can forgive me one day,” Mr. Preston says, stepping to the side so my son can get to me.
Benny’s holding up a yellow flower, probably picked from someone’s garden. “I got it for you.”
“It’s beautiful, Benny.” I take it from him. “But you shouldn’t—”
“He asked permission from the owners,” Leo cuts in, standing beside his dad. “I didn’t even tell him he had to. He just did it.”
“That’s very polite of you, Benny,” Mr. Preston coos. “I don’t think my sons would’ve done that.”
Benny giggles. “Silly Leo,” he sings, and then he’s off, joining his new friends. Leo runs after him, forever the helicopter parent.
I trail my gaze back to Mr. Preston. “I don’t carry hate in my heart, Mr. Preston, or hold on to grudges.” I hold on to fear. “We’re good.”
He smiles to one side, so much like his son. “Yeah?”
“Uh-huh.”
When we get back to the house, the other Preston boys inform us that they’re all going to a drive-in the next town over that’s showing back-to-back horror films. They ask if Holden, Leo and I want to join them, but we decline. Lucy and Cameron went straight home after the trick-or-treating, with Lucy and me making plans to catch up when I’m in town next. Holden’s been on the phone texting pumpkin baby lady since we got back in the car, and now, the rest of us are just sitting on the porch, watching Benny and Preston go through their collected treats on the floor, swapping candies. “All right, I have to go,” Holden says, standing so fast all heads turn to him.
“Go where?” Tammy asks.
“Just…” He shrugs, looking sheepish. “I have to go, so do I take the car? Should I drop you off at the hotel?”
“Go where?” Tammy pushes, and my dad stifles a laugh. He knows e
xactly what’s happening. “Hot date?” Dad asks.
“How?” Tammy scoffs. “Here?” She shakes her head. “How?” she repeats.
“He picked up a mom during trick-or-treating,” I inform.
Holden narrows his eyes at me. “Snitch,” he spits.
“Man-hussy,” I retort.
Leo chuckles.
Tammy shakes her head. “Holden, you’re going straight to hell in a handbasket. You know that, right?” But she’s already gathering her stuff.
“We should go too,” Misty says, and Preston whines.
“No, Mama! I want to play with Benny!”
“Yeah,” Benny jumps in. “I want to play with Preston!”
My cheeks hurt with my smile.
“Mia, honey,” Misty says, getting my attention. “Why don’t I get your number, and we can set up a play date next time you’re in town.”
“That sounds good,” I reply.
“What’s a play date?” asks Benny.
“My window is closing,” Holden huffs, already walking down to our car.
Tammy rolls her eyes. “Are you coming back, or are you and Benny staying here?”
“Stay!” Leo almost shouts, and I laugh, looking over at him. “We can watch a movie, and then you can stay in Lucy’s old room with Benny.”
“You should stay,” Tom adds.
“Mama, can we?” Benny’s eyes are pleading. “Puhleaaaaase?”
Like I have a choice. “Okay.”
After saying goodbye to everyone, Tom excuses himself to bed, and Leo, Benny, and I sit in the living room and share a bowl of popcorn while watching a documentary about mining minerals. It doesn’t take long until the day catches up with Benny, and he falls asleep, sprawled across Leo and me. “You’re going to have to carry him up to the room,” I whisper, shifting Benny’s hair away from his forehead. “He’s pooped.”
Leo laughs under his breath before carefully sliding out from under Benny and lifting him as if he weighs nothing. I follow him up the stairs—stairs I’ve never climbed before—and into Lucy’s old room. There are twin beds in here, against opposite walls. It’s decorated in the way a teenage girl would, and I wonder if it’s been touched since she left. The soft glow of the lamp on the bedside table showcases photographs of her and Cameron and a bunch of their friends, as well as the Preston clan. After tucking a sleeping Benny into the bed, Leo grabs my hand and leads me just outside the room, where he pushes me quietly against the wall of the hallway and presses his lips to mine. His hands are rough as they tug on my hair, craning my neck so he can kiss me there. As much as I want him, it feels wrong to be doing this with his dad sleeping just down the hall. I push him away, giggling when he rolls his eyes. “Come sleep in my room,” he offers.
