While they worked, the brats and I decorate the nursery, which was once my dad’s office. I smile at the theme my sister and Josh’s sister picked out for her. Of course it was a mixture of aqua and white chevron with a dash of polka dots—a little of each of them. I have a feeling our new baby sister will have a hard time coming up with her own identity. These two are going to spoil her rotten.
Josh is in the living room working on the bassinet when I walk into the room, not expecting to feel what I do when I see him. He is sitting on the couch with a screwdriver in his mouth while holding the instructions in his hand. My heart swells; my chest squeezes tight, my belly feels funny and all I know is that I want to place his baby into a bassinet that he puts together for our child together one day. The thought freaks me out and I quickly busy myself with something else until we are done.
We lock up and all head next door where we watch a movie—scratch that—attempt to watch a movie and end up in a popcorn throwing fight instead. It was a lot of fun and by the end of the night I felt the weight lift just enough to breathe. It was like old times—our families hanging out together. We are now a genuine family and for the first time I don’t feel strangled by the thought of that—I feel blessed.
Mr. James insists that Josh sleep on the couch and I sleep in his bed. ‘I’d love to sleep in his bed,’ I say, and I don’t miss the heated gaze Josh gives me. Of course, I meant in the general sense of the word, but now as I lie in his bed, tangled in his sheets and smelling his scent all over them—well, I am imagining him snuggled in the bed with me in less than innocent ways.
I don’t know what wakes me in the middle of the night, just that I feel too warm and too snug. I realize quickly that I haven’t imagined Josh in bed with me—he is in bed with me. My back is to his front, his legs tangled with mine naturally and his arm holding me closely to him. For a brief moment, a very brief moment, I feel panicked. His dad is here, and we are in bed together. This isn’t like at my home where we do this all of the time and no one cares enough to walk in my room and notice it. This is his home, where this would not be approved of. I tense, but then he moves the hair off of my shoulder and kisses me there.
He whispers low in my ear, “Relax, he won’t care and I promise to be on my best behavior. I just want to hold you,” he snuggles me tight to him and his warm breath causes me to shiver.
I revel in how good it feels to be in his arms again, how right. I let my body relax against him. His breath becomes shallow and deep and I let the lullaby take me under –sleeping peacefully in his arms. Home.
CHAPTER 10
There was this one time when Riley and I were at a bonfire for school and we locked eyes with one another over the flames of the fire. I remember thinking that she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, and I wanted so badly to walk around the flames and bury my hands in her hair while I tasted her lips. This is no different. The flame is burning us, but I still want to cross over to her.
I wake up to her hair in my face and it is the best damn feeling in the world. I think how perfect it would be to wake up every morning like this. I have my front pressed against her back. My morning wood giving the impression that I want more than this right here. Me snuggled closely with her. I am perfectly content with our innocent embrace. My hand is under her shirt on her stomach. I make tiny circles with my thumb and can feel the exact moment she awakens. Her breath quickens and her thighs that are tucked under my leg squeeze tight.
I nudge her neck with my nose up to her ear where I whisper, “You awake?”
Her breath hitches and she lifts her shoulder and shivers like I’ve tickled her. She says softly, “Kind of hard to sleep when you’re pressed against my back like that.”
I roll over laughing, untangling us. She rolls onto her side to face me, tucking her hands under her cheek. So sweet.
“Good morning,” she says with a shy smile.
“Mornin’, pretty girl.” We just stare longingly at one another. Today is my last day with her for a while. I have to make it a good one except I don’t know how.
“Joshua Michael Parker you better be taking a piss in the bathroom,” I hear my dad say in a loud voice from outside my room.
Riley tenses and her eyes grow wide. I start laughing and she gives me the cutest angry expression. I know my dad wouldn’t be angry with me.
I lean in and kiss her nose, “It’s okay. I’m going.”
I push the comforter off of us and sit up on the bed, adjusting my hard-on. I’m wearing nothing but my boxers. I lean down to grab my shirt and sweatpants that I discarded before I lied down next to her in the middle of the night. I stand and she makes a noise that makes me turn to look at her. I find her eyes on my chest, on me. Her heated gaze travels downward and her eyes widen at the sight of me. They lift to my face and I know that look. I clear my throat and shift my stance as I turn away and quickly dress in my clothes. I need out of this room. Fast.
I get to my door and steal a quick glance to Riley, who is stoically watching me. I wish I knew what was in her head right now besides the obvious. She still wants me. That much I know for sure. I slowly open my door not seeing my dad in the hall. I walk to the bathroom where I brush my teeth and hop into a cold shower, taking way longer than necessary.
I shut the water off and hear banging on the door. I wrap my lower half in a towel and open the door. Riley gasps from the other side and then quickly turns around and growls in frustration.
“What’s the matter?” I ask confused.
She begins talking without turning around to face me. “Emily called me last night. I must have had my phone on vibrate still from when I visited my mom. She said…” I grab her by the shoulders and turn her around, she curses under her breath. “Jesus, can you just get dressed and then come talk to me in the living room. Your dad went to get my mom and the baby. The brats are next door and I just can’t think straight when you are wet and gorgeous like that. So, um, I’ll be over there,” she says, giving me a once over and pointing down the hall.
I chuckle lowly. Pretty sure I’m not the only one wet. “Yeah, okay. Be right there.”
After I get dressed, I walk to the living room, finding her on the phone talking animatedly with her hands even though they can’t see her.
“So, he thinks I set it up?”
“Well, I didn’t.”
“No, it couldn’t have been him, he’s been with me all night.”
“Shit, Em. No, not like that.”
“What did Collin say?”
“Well then I don’t know. Maybe he has more enemies than just me.”
Her eyes find me braced against the doorway and she holds up a finger. “I don’t want you home alone. What time is Collin leaving? I’ll um, get Josh to drop me off later today.”
“Okay. My mom is coming home with Jocelyn so I need to stick around here for a little while. Will you be alright?”
“Sounds good. I’ll be home later.”
She ends the call and dramatically falls against the back of the couch as she groans. “What happened?” I ask.
She looks over at me suspiciously. “Someone trashed Dean’s apartment last night. One of the tenants called the cops. Nothing was stolen. He apparently came to my apartment last night looking for answers.”
I walk to sit beside her and frown. Had she gone home last night he would’ve been there to confront her? “What makes him think you have the answers?”
She sighs and gives me a pointed look. “Because someone left him a note—a warning.”
I lift a brow in question. “Is that so? What did it say?”
She is still looking at me like the suspect. Her mouth thins into a straight line. “Stay the fuck away from her, or next time the evidence left behind will be your dead body,” she says with a shiver.
My eyes widen and I run a nervous hand behind my neck. I look over at her gauging my reaction. “You think I had something to do with it?” I ask.
She nods her head, and then
shakes it. “No, yes, well, did you? I mean…I don’t believe it was a real death threat just something to scare him away from me.”
I sigh heavily. “Did he show it to the cops?” I ask and she shakes her head no. “Baby, I wouldn’t have left a warning, or trashed his place. I went there already and fucked up his face. I don’t know anything about this,” I admit.
“No one else knows about what he did, though. Preslee was on his side and that leaves just you, Collin, Em, and…OH, MY GOD!”
“Brandt,” we both say in unison.
“Dammit, Josh. That’s why I didn’t want him to know. Shit, shit, shit.”
I jump off the couch and head to my room to grab my phone. I call him, but he doesn’t answer. I send him a text.
Me: WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?
Riley gets to her feet and begins to pace. I walk over and grab her shoulders. She’s shaking.
“I didn’t ask him to do anything other than watch over you while I’m gone. Brandt handles business in a different way. Maybe, now Dean will leave you alone, though. So, don’t sweat it.”
Her eyes lift to mine in anger, “Don’t sweat it? Maybe he won’t leave me alone, Josh. Maybe now he’s even more pissed off. What if he comes after me on purpose? All that warning did was set up a challenge for him. Me…again!”
Ice immediately runs through my veins. I hadn’t thought of that. “I won’t let that happen. I won’t let anything happen to you. Not again. Okay?” I pull her close to me and hold her tight. I won’t be here. The thought slams into me.
I grab her cheeks and look deep into her eyes as she whispers, “I’m scared, Josh. He scares me.”
I kiss her forehead and tuck her head into my chest. I don’t know what to do. I am always conflicted with her. I want to throw my hands in the air and say fuck everything and everyone. I want to take her and whisk her away to somewhere isolated where I can protect her. Instead, I have to leave her here…alone, unguarded and at his mercy.
She pushes me away, wipes at her eyes and seems to shake off everything. “I’m fine. I’ll be fine. We should go.”
And just like that she put the wall up, mask in place and the cloudiness set back in her eyes. I’m on the other side of it again. I’m left standing there, watching her walk away, knowing that she isn’t fine and none of this that has happened is fine. Just like that we are another step behind.
With each passing second, minute, hour—I grow more uneasy, anxious and fidgety. I can’t sit still. We’ve all been stuck in Riley’s house, taking turns holding jellybean. Yes, that is the nickname I’ve given Jocelyn. It’s strange watching our families become united like this.
I’m sitting in the recliner on the other side of the room watching Riley hold her. She has her lying on this little circle pillow that wraps around her lap. I’m watching her look down at Jocelyn’s delicate hand wrapped around one of her fingers—I’m completely mesmerized—struck with an unfamiliar feeling as I watch her face when she looks at the baby. She looks in awe of the little being that is sitting in her lap.
I’ve been people watching most of the day. Watching Joey and Tatum act like this is the best thing in the world. Watching Riley and worrying about her because she’s back to being quiet and distant. Watching my dad interact with Riley’s mom—that in itself has me weirded out. He’s being so sweet, attentive and a lot like he used to be with my mom. I’m not sure how that makes me feel, yet. I’ve noticed Riley watching them with the same uncertain expression on her face.
Jocelyn begins to fuss and Riley looks nervously around the room for help. Her eyes meet mine and are held there for a solid minute—unreadable. She looks beautiful, though. Her lips curve up, then her eyes lift and it’s gone. I track her eyes over my shoulder and see our parents walking into the room with their hands held. Mrs. Claudia has a bottle for the baby in her free hand. Her happy smile falters when she see’s Riley’s expression. They release their hands and step apart.
I intervene because I don’t know what else to do. “Do you want me to feed, jellybean?” I ask looking directly at Riley. Her eyes look to their hands, between the two of them, to me and then finally rest on the baby who is now beginning to cry. So lost.
Her mom clears her throat and hands me the bottle. “Yeah, okay. That would be great. Thank you.
“My dad tells us he’s going to run and pick up my grandma from the airport. He places a reluctant kiss to the side of Mrs. Claudia’s head. I chance a glance at Riley and see her forehead crinkle. I wish I knew what she felt just now.
Riley’s grandma is driving in tomorrow. I will probably miss seeing them both since I have to leave. Dammit, I don’t want to go. This is family. This is where I belong. With her. With them.
I take the bottle and walk over to Riley on the couch. I whisper softly, “Look at me.” She does. “It’s okay. Will you show me again how to hold her?” I ask, putting my arms out trying to not appear flustered. She’s so tiny.
Her eyes meet mine as she nods and lifts Jocelyn up, then lowers her into my arms. “Just like this. You have to hold her head,” she says smiling and making sure she is protected in my arms.
“Jellybean?” Tatum asks with a giggle.
I look up and smile at her but inwardly cringe at the looks on their faces as they watch Riley and I interact with the baby. “Well, yeah. She reminds me of a jellybean. She’s so tiny and smells so sweet. Do all babies have that smell?” I ask.
Joey laughs, “Until they stink when they poop, I guess.”
Joey and Tatum are curled up on the loveseat together. I glance over at my dad and see a look of pride. He grabs his keys and tells everyone goodbye. Mrs. Claudia is standing in the corner wiping at her eyes. “She’s beautiful, huh?” she asks softly.
My gaze falls back down to our sister. “Yeah, she is. Of course she would be, though.” I turn to look at Riley. “Beauty is in her blood.”
Her breath catches as her eyes lift to mine and it’s like the rest of the room disappears. I’m in the future where she and I are sitting together as a couple again. She is looking at me with soft eyes. Eyes that love me again.
The moment is ruined when Tatum says, “OMG you guys are just too cute. I can totally see them with a baby. Can’t you, Jo?”
Riley’s mouth falls open and her eyes widen. She makes a little squeak. I study her reaction looking for the signs that this frightens her. I don’t see it. If anything I see sadness in her eyes, a hidden longing for something a lot like this…with me. She laughs nervously and scoots away. I feel bereft without her almost instantly.
“Y’all are crazy.” A look passes between Riley and her mom.
“Do you give everyone nicknames?” Joey asks completely oblivious to the inner turmoil brewing inside of Riley and I.
I hum. “I guess so, well, the ones I love anyway. You’re my Jo-Jo, Tatum is my Tator-tot.”
“… And Riley is your Tink.”
She states the obvious and I shut my eyes, holding in my groan. I understand that they don’t know we aren’t together, or that just the mere mention of her name and being mine fills me with an ache so deep I can hardly breathe. I just wish they would shut up. All of the words they keep tossing out are killing me slowly. Pushing her farther away.
Riley makes a sound and I look at her questioningly. Her eyes are glassy and she gives a nervous glance to her mom again. What is that? That look she keeps giving her.
She plays off her discomfort by standing up, popping the rubber band she has on her wrist, flipping her head down and begins to put her hair into a ponytail. Completely aloof and unaffected. She lifts back up and says, “I’m gonna go get some air, K?”
“Are you okay, sweetheart?” her mom asks, bouncing her eyes between us. It hits me. She knows we aren’t together. That’s what that look is. She knows. I find Riley watching me with our baby sister. Her eyes look so sad and far away. What is she thinking? Where is she at inside that pretty head of hers?
She sighs, “Yeah, I’m fine. I j
ust need to go outside for a little while.” She gives me a quick glance, and I know she means that she needs to get away from me, away from this awkwardness.
She’s not fine. I’m not fine. THIS.IS.NOT.FINE.
We get closer and I think it’s progress, only to find it’s not enough.
“Fine in female talk is the keyword for a thousand other things, which never means fine,” Joey says, full of knowledge.
She’s right. When a girl say’s she’s fine, she is most definitely the opposite.
Riley grows agitated. “Ugh. Just let it go, okay. I’m good. Just been a long few days.”
The brat’s look put off by Riley’s outburst, then at me for answers. I just shrug and watch her walk out the front door. I’m tired of watching her walk away. I just want her to walk to me.
Her mom is standing there with a frown. Her eyes are looking between the door and myself. She see’s my reaction and evidently feels my discomfort because she walks over to me and reaches her hands out for the baby. “Thank you for feeding her for me, Josh.”
I nod. My throat is tight and I can’t speak. I look to the door, wondering if I should go after her. She’s in pain and it’s hurting me.
“I’m glad you’re in her life,” her mom says catching my attention.
“Huh?” I look to her tilting my head and rubbing behind my neck after my hands are free.
“Sometimes we get knocked off course, but then we find our way again. Y’all are off course right now, but you will figure it out.” She stands and ruffles my hair. Similar to the way Riley used to do when we pretended we were just best friends and nothing more.
I sit in a daze when her mom walks to the love seat next to the brats where I hear coos from them.
“I’m gonna go check on Riley,” I say to no one in particular and none of them respond.
I knew exactly where to find her—at our spot. I walk to the lake and locate her sitting on the dock staring off into the wide unknown. She doesn’t flinch away, or react at all when I take my place by her side. I steal a glance at her where she perches in deep thought. Just once I wish I could climb inside her head and know what’s on her mind.
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