“That sounds good.”
We hang up the phone and I take a deep breath. Jenna is right. I just need to get out of here today, and then I can sort my head out. I glance at myself in the mirror and smooth my hair, and then I take a deep breath. I walk back to my desk and nod to Clarissa.
“I’m taking the afternoon off.”
Her eyebrows lift up. “Yeah?”
I nod. “Not feeling well. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“See you tomorrow.” She smiles at me and gives me a small nod. It almost feels like she’s saying good for you. I gather my things and walk out of the office with my head held high.
When I get to Jenna’s house, she already has a batch of chocolate chip cookies in the oven, and water boiled for tea. I sit down on one of her creaky kitchen chairs and she puts a steaming mug of tea in front of me. She pours one for herself and takes a deep breath, shaking her head as she looks at me.
“You sure do know how to get yourself into trouble.”
I grin. “Those cookies smell good.”
“Don’t change the subject,” she laughs. “Even when you and Jack started dating. Do you remember how angry Dad was when you moved in together?”
“He didn’t speak to me for five months,” I laugh. “But he got over it.”
“I think he met Jack properly and figured out he was the best thing for you.”
My chest tightens and I nod. “He kept me grounded. I wasn’t so impulsive when he was around.”
Jenna takes a deep breath and smiles at me. “I don’t know, I think it’s good to see a bit of the old you again.”
“What do you mean?”
“You were still impulsive and a bit reckless with Jack. But then, when he died, that all went away. You were so… empty. It’s like you lost your personality.” Her eyes mist up, and she shakes her head. “I thought I’d lost you.”
A lump forms in my throat, and then Jenna laughs through her tears.
“But now, I mean, sleeping with a coworker and causing a scene at the office… that’s the Nicole I know and love. That’s my shit-head little sister.”
We laugh until the buzzer on the oven goes off, and then we eat warm chocolate chip cookies and talk and talk until her kids come home from school.
This time, I stay over for dinner. The pain I used to feel being around her happy family is gone. This is my family, and they’ve always been here for me.
22
Martin
After an hour or so, I work up the courage to walk over to Nicole’s desk. I need to make her understand that I get how she’s feeling, but I have no choice.
You always have a choice, she said.
It’s easy to say that, but how much choice do I really have? Maybe if I just explain that this is my job—she should know that already! She’s worked in law long enough.
I take a deep breath and turn the corner, but I frown when I see her desk empty. Her computer is off, too, which means…
“Is Nicole gone?”
Clarissa glances at me and nods. Her stare is cold. “Yep.”
“Is she coming back?”
“She wasn’t feeling well, so no, I don’t think so.”
“She was fine this morning.”
Clarissa’s eyebrow rises in a slow arch, and she stares at me for a few seconds. I try not to squirm where I stand, and anger flares up inside me.
“Fine. If she comes back, can you tell her I want to talk to her?”
“Mmm,” Clarissa says, turning back to her screen. “I’ll get right on that.”
I stare at the paralegal, slack-jawed. Three months ago, she would have been afraid to talk to me. She would have jumped when I told her to.
Now?
She’s been spending too much fucking time with Nicole.
I stomp out of the office and head downstairs. I need some air. As soon as the fresh air hits my face, I take a deep breath. The sun is shining and a warm breeze washes over me, and I hate the weather for being nice. Pulling out my phone, I dial Nicole’s number.
It goes straight to voicemail—she’s turned her phone off. I groan, staring up at the sky above me. The clouds passing by start to make me nauseous when Carmen’s voice appears by my ear.
“Looking for a defense to bring to Judge Harkin?” She asks. “Don’t know if you’ll find it up there.” I look at her and snort, shaking my head.
“Just needed some air.”
“What from?”
I sigh, shaking my head. “Nothing.”
“Wouldn’t be from our young, sassy, smart-mouthed paralegal, would it?”
I take a deep breath. There’s no point denying it, everyone knows that Nicole and I have been involved. We haven’t exactly been discreet about it.
“Didn’t anybody ever tell you not to shit where you eat?”
I glance at Carmen and snort. “What about that intern you were always working late with last year?”
“Fuck off, Marty,” she grins. She looks at me, putting her hand on my shoulder. It’s weird to have actual physical contact with her.
“You’re just doing your job, Martin,” she says. “Your job is to defend that little shit, Julian, to the best of your abilities. That’s why you get a paycheck. That’s why your parking spot is right next to the door. That’s why you can afford that fancy house you live in.”
“I know, Carmen.”
“So start acting like it.”
I sigh and I stare at the clouds. Why did it have to be now, though? With that exact case? Right after I found out what I’ve done to Nicole?
“I never thought you were so sentimental,” Carmen says. She grins at me, shaking her head. “You’re smitten.”
“I’m not a teenage girl with a crush on a boy band.”
“No, you’re a grown man who’s smitten with his employee.”
“She’s not my employee.”
“Another astute observation, Henderson. She’s not your employee. She’s my employee. And so are you.”
I glance at her, nodding. “Yeah, yeah. I get it.”
“I don’t think you do.” She squares her shoulders, looking me dead in the eye. Her eyes darken and I resist the urge to take a step back.
“Carmen, I get it,” I say. My voice sounds stronger than I feel, and that pisses me off. I’m sick of feeling like this. Ever since Nicole walked into my life, everything has been off-balance. I can’t think straight, I can’t do my job.
“Martin, you need to do your fucking job,” she says, her voice steady and cold. “I made you a partner at this firm. Don’t let that be a mistake.”
She stares at me for a few moments and I sigh as she walks away. Her back is straight as an arrow, and she has her chin held high. Her hips sway with a purposeful, powerful movement with every stride. I stare after her as my face twists and the taste in my mouth turns to ash.
I want to kick something, or punch something. I look at the cars parked in front of me and I wish I had the strength to flip them over. I’d take a baseball bat and smash every single fucking window.
Instead, I just stand there, fuming. I curl my fists into balls as the steam blows out of my ears and nose.
Yes, it’s my job. Yes, I’m going to do it. That doesn’t change the fact that I betrayed Nicole. I feel the walls around my heart start to build, brick by brick, until the warmth that Nicole brought into my life is all but snuffed out.
No, Carmen is right. I can’t get sentimental. I can’t get distracted. If Nicole doesn’t like it, she can leave. I’ve made it this far without her—I made partner, I climbed the ladder, I became one of the most successful lawyers in Colorado.
And I’m going to fuck that up for a woman? I’m going to throw that all away because the light in Nicole’s eyes reminds me of my dead wife?
Get a fucking grip, Martin. Pull yourself together and remember what’s important here.
Me. That’s what’s important. My career. My life. My salary.
I’ll lose it all if I tell Nicole the
truth. I’ll lose it all if I don’t take the case.
If I don’t just Do. My. Job.
My heart hardens as I take a deep breath. I glance up and down the road at the people walking by, oblivious to the torture going on in my mind.
Turning back toward the office, my mind is made up.
I choose my life. I choose my career. I choose Julian’s case.
As I’m sucked through the building’s revolving door, a part of me stays outside, watching myself walk away. Another piece of my doomed heart dies, and I’m glad for it.
23
Nicole
I pat my purse with my hand, knowing that my letter of resignation is sitting in there like an atomic bomb. I’m giving up my salary, my health insurance… and Martin.
But is it really giving him up if I never had him to begin with? Maybe he was just using me. I wasn’t special, or different. I was convenient.
Cracks spider over my heart and I take a deep breath. When I walk into the firm, I head straight for Carmen’s office. She’s already here, as usual. She’s always here. The woman works like no one I’ve ever met before. She’s strong and powerful and I respect her, but I just can’t work for her anymore.
I pause before going in, taking a deep breath to steel myself. I remember Jenna’s calming words last night as she helped me compose my letter.
“Do it for Jack, Nic,” she’d said. “Be true to yourself and honor his memory.”
I take a deep breath and knock on Carmen’s door.
“Come in,” she says. When I push the door open, she doesn’t look up. She’s scratching something down on her huge stack of papers, her reading glasses perched on the end of her nose.
I clear my throat. She looks up, sliding the glasses off her face and arching her eyebrows in surprise.
“Nicole.”
“Carmen, hi.” I clear my throat again, shifting awkwardly from foot to foot. She gestures to one of the chairs across her desk. I sit down, holding my purse over my thighs. I take a deep breath, and Carmen folds her hands on her desk. Her gaze is unflinching, and she just waits for me to start.
“First of all, I wanted to thank you for everything you’ve done for me. Working here has been a great opportunity, and I’ve learned so much.”
Start with something nice to soften the blow.
Carmen leans back in her chair, still pointing those laser beam eyes at me.
I take a deep breath and reach into my purse. “I’d like to hand in my resignation. I’ve put my last day as two weeks from today. I want you to know that it’s nothing personal, I’ve just decided that I need to focus on healing from the accident.”
I slide the letter across the desk and Carmen looks at it for a brief moment. She tents her hands in front of her, tapping the pads of her fingers against each other.
“What brought this on, Nicole?”
She doesn’t make a move to touch the letter.
I take a deep breath. Does she know about me and Martin? Probably. There have been enough whispers around the office, she’d have to be seriously out of touch not to know.
“It’s not because of Martin, is it? That would be a real shame.”
So she does know.
I shrug and shake my head. I’m not really sure how to answer.
Carmen takes a deep breath. “It would be a shame to lose such a valuable employee because of a… personal matter.”
She thinks I’m a valuable employee? I stare at a spot on her desk and try to gather my thoughts. I didn’t think this would be so difficult. I thought I was sure, but now, with Carmen’s eyes stripping me bare, I’m not so sure.
The door opens behind us.
“I think I found a way to get Julian’s case thrown out,” Martin’s deep, husky voice starts. He stops when he sees me, his mouth hanging open. He glances at my face, and then Carmen’s. “I’ll come back.”
He doesn’t look at me again before turning around and walking out of her office, and I know it’s over. If I didn’t know it before, I know it now. He chose the case. He chose himself. He chose to disregard everything I’ve told him about my husband and my accident.
He’s never cared about me.
I straighten my back and turn toward Carmen, sliding the letter of resignation toward her with my fingers.
“Thank you for everything.”
She sighs, reaching for the letter. She doesn’t open the envelope, she just taps it on her desk. She lays it aside and goes back to the stack of files beside her. She doesn’t look up when she speaks.
“I’ll call security. You can empty your desk and they’ll escort you out.”
My eyebrows shoot up. “I thought… two weeks… I didn’t…”
“You’ll get two weeks’ pay from today. We have lots of confidential, sensitive case information. When someone quits or is fired, they need to be off the premises the same day. It’s protocol.”
“Protocol, right,” I stammer. I clear my throat. “Well, alright.”
Carmen looks up at me and I try to straighten my face. My eyes are misting, and I hate myself for it. I try to keep my chin up and hold her gaze. I bite my lip to keep it from trembling.
I hate how weak I feel. I hate how I’m second-guessing myself, how I’m not sure, how I’ve let Martin worm his way into my life and ruin everything for me.
Yet, here I am. Trying to stop myself from spilling tears in my boss’s office right after quitting. Carmen takes a deep breath, pushing herself up to stand. She extends a hand toward me. I take a tentative step toward her, and then shake her hand.
Her handshake is firm, strong, unwavering. She looks me in the eye and dips her chin down.
“If you need a recommendation, let me know. You are very good at your job.”
“Thanks, Carmen,” I say. She nods, and then looks back at her work. I let myself out, closing the door softly behind me.
By the time I get to my desk, there’s a security guard waiting for me. I nod to him. I take my favorite pen, and a picture of me, Jenna, and her family. I open my drawers and see bits and pieces of stationary, closing them back up one by one.
In the bottom drawer, I pull out my workout bag with my swim cap and bathing suit. I sling it over my shoulder and then nod to the security guard.
“All set?”
“All set,” I answer.
Clarissa comes around the corner with a coffee cup in her hand and her eyes widen.
“What’s…?”
“I handed in my resignation,” I explain. “This is protocol, apparently,” I motion to the security guard. He grunts.
Clarissa sets her mug down and puts her hands on her hips. She sighs, shaking her head.
“I was just starting to enjoy having you around,” she says, smiling. “What happened?”
“Personal differences, I guess.”
“Is this because of that bastard, Martin?”
I snort, shaking my head. “I don’t even know anymore. Take care of yourself.”
She wraps me in a hug, squeezing me close. With her arms around me, I feel like I’ve made the right decision. She nods to me.
“Good luck.”
I walk out with the security guard. I don’t stop him when he walks in the direction of Martin’s office. I don’t turn my head, and my steps don’t falter. I just keep walking, even though I can feel everyone’s eyes on me.
The security guard escorts me to my car, and then I nod to him.
“I’ll take it from here,” I say sarcastically. “You’ve been quite the gentleman.” His furry eyebrows draw together in confusion and I shake my head. “Never mind.”
I get in my car and take a deep breath. When I exit the building, it simultaneously feels like a weight is lifted off my shoulders, and like my heart is being ground to a fine dust.
I don’t know whether to laugh or throw up.
Instead, I just head to the pool and try to swim my misery away.
24
Martin
She doesn’t look at me
when she walks by my office. I watch her walk by through the open doorway. Without realizing what I’m doing, I get up and stand in my doorway. I watch her walk proudly toward the elevators, with the oaf of a security guard standing next to her.
He puts his hand on her mid back as they step into the elevator and a flash of jealousy courses through me. I want to rip his head clean off his neck for touching her perfect body. The elevator doors close and she’s gone, and my stomach turns. I feel sick.
This is my fault.
When the shock wears off, the agony sets in. My chest aches as I curl my fists into my hair. I double over at the waist, squeezing my eyes shut.
When I straighten myself up again, agony is replaced with anger. It starts in my heart and spreads like venom through my veins. Soon, my anger carries me toward Carmen’s office.
I rip the door open, letting it bang against the wall as I step through. It swings back behind me and I march toward her desk.
“You fucking fired her? What did she do to you?” I lean over her desk. Carmen removes her glasses and stares at me placidly.
“Answer me!” My voice is strained. My vocal cords feel like they’ve been rubbed with sandpaper. My pulse is quick and my blood feels hot and thick. Anger clouds my vision and Carmen’s silence only intensifies it.
She stares at me for a few more moments. When she speaks, her voice is calm.
“You’re out of line, Henderson.”
“Fuck you!”
“You’re out of line!” She shouts. My chest heaves as we stare at each other, and I try to register the shock of her yelling. I let out a sigh and kick one of her chairs, wincing as pain explodes through my toe.
“This fucking DUI case! We shouldn’t even be defending that little shit bag!”
“That little shit bag pays for your mortgage, Martin,” she replies icily. My breath rakes through my body, rattling my bones with every inhalation. I curl and uncurl my fists, staring at a blank place on the wall.
“If you must know, not that I need to explain myself to you, ever,” Carmen says coolly, “Nicole quit.”
Love/Hate: The Complete Enemies to Lovers Series Page 11
