by Sky Corgan
“Don’t get all sentimental, okay? This doesn’t really mean anything. You know it doesn’t. We’re just playing around, right? Just having a good time.”
He was up by my neck now, and he kissed and sucked along the base of it and moved his way up to the lobe of my ear. Just the feeling of his breath on the places where he had dampened my skin made me tremble all over, and when he rolled me over, I offered zero protests.
“Hi.” Matt grinned at me, his twinkling eyes and perfect smile so beautiful it was borderline heartbreaking. “Fancy seeing you here.”
“Hi.” I laughed, the giddy feeling this man always gave me washing over me all at once.
“You know that’s bullshit, right?”
“What’s bullshit? I’m kind of always right, in case you hadn’t noticed.”
“Believe me, I’ve noticed. And I have no problem agreeing with you. That being said, this particular stance of yours is still bullshit.”
“What do you mean?”
“This whole no feelings thing.”
“Matt—”
“Nope. Hear me out. You’ve been burned before. I get it. So have I. But I can’t pretend I’m not falling for you. I don’t want to pretend, Bella.”
“Okay,” I whispered, so close to crying that I couldn’t manage to get anything else out. All my big talk, and hearing those words come out of his mouth was still like magic come to life. This man was it. He was the one for me, and I couldn’t deny it any longer.
“Okay.” He grinned, kissing each of my hardened nipples. “Glad we’ve got that settled. Now I want to go down on you, so hold onto your hat, sugar. This is going to be good.”
Matt slithered down the length of my body, pushing my legs open gently. His face settled into the V at the top of my thighs, his tongue lapping against me, warm and rough. I gasped, my hands moving to my breasts as my hips rose and fell slowly, rising to meet every movement of his tongue. Every time he did this, every time he so much as touched me, my body felt like it was going to explode. This time was no different, and as my fingers wove into his hair, my eyes shut tightly, my whole body ready and waiting. Close, so close, and then…
“Oh! Jesus!”
I bolted upright in bed, my eyes wild and still full of sleep. I looked around frantically, sure that Matt was there beside me. The dream had been so real. My sheets were sweat-soaked and twisted up so badly that it was easy to imagine that Matt really was here, in the bathroom or somewhere. He would come back into my bedroom in just a second, grin that grin again and tell me how hard he was falling for me and how he wanted us to be together. Just a dream, but so convincing that him not being here felt like a loss.
I reached for my phone, hoping against hope that I would have a message and it would be from him, but saw that nobody had tried to contact me at all. I sighed, a deeply morose sound that made me both annoyed and sorry for myself at the same time, and dialed the only number I could think of.
“What up, bitch?”
“Ugh. Hey, Maggie. What are you doing tonight?”
“Um, nothing? I was thinking about maybe Netflix, but I’m always open to suggestions. You know this better than anyone.”
“Well, I’m very glad to hear it, girl, because I need to talk. I need to talk, and I need a cocktail, and not necessarily in that order.”
***
“So, are you going to tell me what’s going on or what? I’ve gotta say, any news that requires you to take a shot before you tell it makes me nervous. I don’t like being nervous.”
I laughed, even though I was feeling pretty glum and the laughter didn’t come naturally. Maggie wasn’t kidding about the nervous thing. I could see the truth of it in the way she kept twisting her vodka soda in her hands.
My already consumed shot of cinnamon whiskey sat beside me with its feeling of fire still low in my belly. In my own hands, I held an Old Fashioned, the drink I went to any time I needed to feel more like a grown-up. It was also the drink I drank on nights when I was most likely to get too drunk, and Maggie knew that. I half expected her to say something, and when she didn’t, I internally sighed.
I sipped my drink, gritted my teeth, and took the conversational plunge. “I had a dream.”
“Um, okay? I mean, that’s not nearly as bad as what I was expecting you to say, so this is a good start, as far as I’m concerned.”
“But it’s not a good start. That’s what I’m trying to tell you.”
“I don’t think I’m following you. What’s wrong with a dream?”
“It was about Matt.”
“Oh! Oh really? Please, do tell more.”
“Yes, it was a sexy dream, but that’s not the point. In the dream, Matt was telling me all about how he didn’t want things to be just casual between us. He told me he was really falling for me.”
“Okay, and what did you say?”
“That’s one of the worst parts!”
“Bella, I’m not going to be able to help you if you don’t tell me what happened. That’s kind of why you called me, isn’t it?”
“I guess so.”
“So then tell me already!”
“I said okay. That was it. I just said okay, like I was like, agreeing with him or something.”
“That’s fantastic! I mean that’s totally awesome, Bella!”
“No, it’s not!”
Maggie rolled her eyes exaggeratedly, and I slammed back my whole Old Fashioned. I made a gesture towards the bartender, and he brought me another of not only the drink but the shot I’d taken, too. Maggie watched this silently, with one eyebrow raised, but still kept herself from admonishing me for my behavior, which was just one of the many reasons why I loved her.
“Maybe this guy deserves a real chance, Bella.”
“That doesn’t matter. It’s not the point. I know you want me to have some kind of fairytale ending, but that’s not what I’m looking for anymore.”
“Does your heart know that? Because it sounds like you’re not completely convinced of that anymore, at least not in your dreams.”
Because I didn’t have a retort for her that wouldn’t be an outright lie, I settled for glaring at her while I rapidly drank my new round. I hadn’t had a ton to eat that day, and I was already basically drunk, but I couldn’t make myself settle down.
Really, I couldn’t convince myself that Maggie wasn’t right. That strange feeling I’d had when Matt had left me in that bathroom, his demeanor cold and distant. Now the dream. My level of confusion was worse than ever, and so instead of thinking, I resolved myself to drink. Even after Maggie was gone, I drank, and when I was good and plastered, I started to text.
CHAPTER TEN
MATT
Bella Marrow. I haven’t been able to resist her the way I’d wanted to. I wasn’t strong enough—wanted her too badly. Seeing her in the museum so unexpectedly had sapped any bit of resolve I’d had left, and her clear anger at me hadn’t helped any.
After I’d taken her from behind like the asshole that I knew she wanted me to be, I’d left feeling like a steaming pile of shit. I had already known that I wanted to have more of her than just the sex, but now the sex was there, too, and it was the best fucking sex of my life. I was sure that I wouldn’t hear from her again—that I was just some kind of studhorse for her, something to use for sex to work out whatever messed up issues she had. I had been so sure that my feelings on this were right that when I’d seen her text message asking to see me again, I almost couldn’t force myself to believe it.
“I’m glad you contacted me, Bella. I want to see you again, too. Tonight. A real date.” I sent the text and waited, trying to ignore the sick feeling of anticipation in my gut.
I was happy to hear from her, but not happy enough to become delusional. I knew she had most likely been drinking when she’d texted me. I understood that in the cold light of morning and with a hangover beating against the walls of her head, she might be right back to trying to keep as far away from me as she could manage. Still
, she’d given me some hope, and when I saw the symbol indicating that she was texting me back, my heart stopped beating in my chest.
“I can do tonight. When? Where?”
“My house. Eight o’clock. Don’t worry about bringing anything but yourself.”
She sent a smiley face in reply, and I was so over the moon that I almost chucked my phone across the room. I was so happy that I barely registered my annoyance when my secretary called to tell me my cousin was at the front desk and wanted to see me.
“Tell him I’m busy right now, will you?” I said.
“Yes sir, but he doesn’t seem to want to take no for an answer.”
I cringed, hearing him in the background making it very clear that no wasn’t an answer he was interested in at all. I could tell just from the muffled sound of his voice that he was flying high, drunk, drugged up, or both. I had put in more than my share of hours with my cousin when he was like this, and I would undoubtedly continue to do so in the future. But today?
“He’s going to have to,” I said calmly, hoping he could hear me, so he’d take his anger out on me and not her. “I’m busy. And I won’t be here for long. It’s a no for today. Besides, it’s Saturday morning. Tell him to go find some after-party somewhere. One of his fucked-up friends has got to still be up partying somewhere.”
"Yes sir," she answered, the amusement barely contained as she clicked off the line.
I could hear my cousin's indignant, slurred yelling coming from down the hallway a moment later, but it didn't last for long. That was good. He'd probably liked my idea of finding a party somewhere, which meant he would be out of my hair for a day, at least. Maybe I should have felt bad for exploiting his messed-up nature, but I didn't. I didn't feel bad at all.
“Not today,” I muttered to myself, the grin starting to feel like a permanent thing at this point. “Nobody’s going to mess with this day for me.”
It was a stupid thing to say. It was the kind of thing people said in movies right before the crazy serial killer popped out from somewhere and hacked them into pieces. When my office door banged open so hard the glass inlays rattled precariously, it wasn’t a serial killer that stalked in, but it might as well have been. I might actually have preferred seeing Jason standing there instead of Leslie. Leslie, whose visit I hadn’t thought about at all since seeing Bella in the museum, looked every bit as pissed off as Noah had sounded. She stood there with her hands on her hips and her mouth set in a grimace that seemed like it could easily turn into a growl at the drop of a hat. I hadn’t remembered before, but I remembered now. Her claim of pregnancy. All of it.
“What the fuck, Matt? Are you going to take care of this or not?”
“Hey, Leslie. Nice to see you again, too.”
“Don’t fucking give me that. I told you I’m carrying your baby, and you have nothing to say? Nothing but nice to see you? What the hell is the matter with you?”
“Nothing. You’re right, I should have something better to say.”
“Good. Great. And?”
“I guess we need to talk about how you know the baby is mine.”
“Seriously?! That’s the worst kind of thing to say!”
“It’s a fair question, Leslie. You and I were never serious. We only slept together once recently enough for me to be the father. I’m just asking.”
“You listen to me, Matt Brinks, and make sure you’re listening good. If you make this hard for me, I’m going to make your life a living hell. I can do it, too. I have plenty of resources at my disposal, and we both know it.”
She was right about that. Leslie wasn’t only a terrible, vapid woman I wished I’d never hooked up with. She was also a socialite with just as much money as I had. Leslie couldn’t actually ruin my life the way she was claiming, but she would definitely try. She would do everything she could to suck me back into her bullshit, but only if I let her. On another day, I might have let her, too, but on this day, there was no way I was going to allow it to happen.
I stood up and walked towards the door, smiling a little when she took a half-step back from me. “I’m not going to hurt you, Leslie, if that’s what you think.”
“Then what the hell are you going to do?”
“Nothing. Nothing until you give me a DNA test.”
“Are you kidding me?!”
“Nope, not in the slightest. If this baby turns out to be mine, I will absolutely take responsibility. If you think I’m doing that without proof, though, you’re sadly mistaken. If you think I’m going to stand here all day and debate this with you after you’ve barged into my office unannounced and uninvited, you’re mistaken about that, too. I trust you can find your own way out.”
I could hear her shrieking in the lobby of the building. I imagined that I could even hear her in the elevator, although imagination was probably really all that was. Every fiber inside of me, all my instincts, told me that what Leslie was telling me was a lie. If it weren’t, that would be another story, a story that scared the hell out of me just to think about. For now, however, I couldn’t think about it at all. I could think about one thing and one thing only. Bella. Bella was coming to me, and I wanted to be ready.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
BELLA
Standing on Matt’s doorstep, there were a thousand things running through my head. Over and over again, I reminded myself of my resolution and why I had felt compelled to make it in the first place. I reminded myself of all of the pain I had been through, all of the humiliation, and the men who had made me feel those things. I had given them power that they hadn’t ever earned. I had given it freely and with no regard as to how it would make me feel, and finally, I had decided that enough was enough. I reminded myself of all of these things, and yet here I was, taking breathes that were too shallow and hoping I looked good enough to be on this date. I had half a mind to turn around and go, to hope I made it back to my car before Matt had a chance to get to the front door so I could haul ass home and never look back. Instead, I stood there, stock-still, and when the door opened, my face broke into a smile I couldn’t keep to myself.
“What’s that face?” He smiled with a boyish mischievousness that was painfully endearing. “You laughing at me before you even make it inside of my house?”
“I’m sorry,” I giggled, some of my nerves instantly vanishing, “but you’re wearing an apron. I wasn’t expecting that.”
“It’s 2020, right? Real men can wear aprons.”
“That’s true. You know yours has ruffles on it, right?”
"I do indeed, sugar. It was a gag gift from a buddy of mine. I figured I might as well put it to good use. Now come on inside, will you? It's cold, and I can't have you getting sick. That doesn't go with my perfect date."
He ushered me inside, and I did my best not to think about what his idea of a perfect date might be. As Matt led me through his home to the kitchen, I was dimly aware that my mouth was hanging ajar. His house was more than a house; it was a mansion and the kind of place I had always dreamed of living in. I had expected it to be cold, like a museum, but it was the opposite. Inside was full of warmth, the kind of home that made you want to stay for days. When we reached the kitchen, I let out a little gasp, and he turned to look at me, curiosity and maybe the mildest concern on his face.
“Everything okay?”
“Okay? Are you serious? This place is insane! Your kitchen is beautiful. And the food! Where’d you get this? It looks totally amazing.”
“I didn’t get it anywhere,” he said with genuine amusement that made me blush. “I cooked. Haven’t you ever had anyone cook for you before?”
“No,” I said in what I hoped was a nonchalant voice as Matt handed me a glass of wine, “can’t say I ever have.”
“You haven’t been dining with the right guys, then. This is nothing. Just a pasta dish I threw together. I don’t know what kind of meats you’re okay with eating, so I didn’t want to go there. You can expect plenty more of this, Bella. I plan on making you a l
ot more meals.”
It was perfect—exactly the kind of thing a girl wanted to hear from a guy she was dating, and therein lay the problem. We weren’t dating, or at least, we weren’t supposed to be.
I took a gulp of my wine, then set my glass on the dining table, all set up for the two of us to share a lovely meal. “Matt, this is all great.”
“I’m glad. That was kind of the idea.”
“But I think we need to talk.”
“We need to talk? About what, Bella? I thought we were having a good time. And we’ve barely started.”
"That's the thing. I don't want you to have barely started. This is too much. I'm not in the same place as you, I don't think. I didn't come here for a date. I came here to break things off."
I'd had no idea those words were coming out of my mouth, but once they were out there in the universe, there was no way for me to take them back. They hung in the air between us like an invisible poison for which I had no antidote. My eyes started to water, and I realized with alarm that I might actually cry.
I took one step away from Matt, my eyes wide and my chest heavy with impending panic. One second ago, I had been full of butterflies and the kind of hope Maggie had been trying to push upon me. Now, everything had gone to hell in a handbasket. The best I could do now was to make a hasty exit.
“Bullshit.”
“What?” I asked in a hoarse whisper, convinced I couldn’t have heard him right.
“I said bullshit. I’m sorry, Bella, I’m not trying to offend you, but that’s the biggest crock of shit I’ve heard in a long time. And bullshit comes across my desk on the regular.”
“I don’t have a clue what you’re talking about.” I turned to go, the tears an imminent threat now. I had no idea what I had come here for, but it definitely wasn’t this awful scene. “I should really be going.”
“No, you aren’t doing this. You can’t do this. You don’t even want to.”
He grabbed my upper arm and spun me back around to face him. It was a movement that could have been scary, but when Matt did it, there was something somehow gentle about it. I expected him to be angry, but his face was full of concern and something else it took me a second to place. Once I put my finger on it, I knew I wouldn’t be leaving. Resolution or not, I wouldn’t be leaving. On his face was a kind of earnest conviction I had never before seen in my adult life.
