*
‘You’re joking, said Lee-Mailer, aghast. ‘There is absolutely no way we will be able to get them all that far. Have you seen how many are on this list,’ he said showing off his screen. ‘First we have to round them up, they are not all just lying around in the kitchen, and then to get them all the way down there. And with no one ever finding out. Impossible.’
‘Nothing is impossible, it’s all down to good planning,’ said The General.
‘The General’s right,’ added Blade. ‘And we really have no alternative. We have to get everyone hidden down in the old Wendy House. They’ll never think of looking for us there.’
‘But it’s insane,’ continued Lee-Mailer. ’Even if we do get down there, then so what? We are all stuck in a Wendy House, big deal. And if the Abercrombies come after us what do we do? They’ll just pick us up and take us back, we can hardly fight back.’
‘Oh yes we can young man,’ said The General. ‘We’ll fight to our last circuit board.’
‘Steady on everybody,’ interrupted Blade. ‘The idea is to get away from the house and get away from being auctioned. If we can get to the Wendy House and be safe for a while all well and good. The gadgets can then decide their own future. They will be free. They may want to move on. They may want to offer their services to other households. They may want to stay there and set up their own community. But it will be their decision, they will no longer be second-class household accessories, they will be free gadgets, and that is the reason we are going to escape.’
‘Here, here’, said Deep Fat, giving Lee-Mailer a nasty look.’ Some of us value freedom. If you had been cooped up in a kitchen cupboard for months you would know what the chief was on about. I’m taking my chances on the march to the Wendy House. I want my freedom.’
‘Me too’, piped up Jane Dough. ‘I don’t want to make marble cake and a wholewheat bloomer just for a couple of weeks and then get packed away again and eventually auctioned. I want the freedom to cook for whomever I choose. ‘And anyway’, she blushed, ‘if Deep Fat’s going on the march I’m going too.’
‘I still think it’s crazy and can’t possibly succeed,’ said Lee-Mailer.’
‘Now I may be fat and I may not be very deep intellectually,’ said Deep Fat. ‘But even I can see there is no alternative. If we stay here – well at least if you stay here Lee-Mailer,’ he grinned. ‘You will be auctioned off at the very least. If you try to escape and get caught you may be brought back here and then what? You’ll be auctioned off. So you see my nerdy, geeky little brain box you have nothing to lose.’
‘All right,’ said Lee-Mailer quietly admitting to himself that he could see the logic in Deep Fat’s argument. ‘But I’m doing this for you,’ he added, trying to save face. ‘You won’t get anywhere without an expert in communications.’
‘OK then.’ said Blade with a sense of finality. ‘Has anyone else got anything to say? ‘ There was silence and Deep Fat shook his frying basket as if to say no. ‘Right so it’s agreed; we evacuate all the gadgets to the Wendy House. General, let’s draw up some plans.’
While Blade and The General were in a huddle in the corner of the cupboard under the stairs, Lee-Mailer again voiced his doubts to Deep Fat. ‘It’s foolhardy you know,’ he said. ‘The odds are massively against it working. It just seems like a waste of time to me, I’ve put all the calculations through my cruncher and there is no way it can work. There are obstacles everywhere. For a start we have to get out of the kitchen and on to the patio. Even if Toaster were on our side it would be difficult, but as he’s a loose canon who knows what could happen.’
‘Stop moaning,’ said Deep Fat, surprising himself with how assertive he could be. ‘We have never been the best of friends but we are now in this together and the least you can do is pull with the rest of us.’
The plan relied on each group member collecting a few gadgets and trying to get them out. There would be different exits for each group. Blade and The General admitted that Toaster and to a certain extent the chrome domed Kettle were a major obstacle who could disrupt all the plans before they even got off the ground.
‘Any suggestions how we tackle Toaster?’ said Blade throwing open the discussion to the others. There was silence.
Then Jane said: ‘I’ve got an idea’, and sidled up to Blade and whispered in his ear.
‘Really,’ replied the chief. ‘I hope Deep Fat doesn’t know about that.’
‘It was more of a working relationship,’ countered Jane, feeling hurt at the implication.
‘In which case we had better get some ingredients’, he said quietly. ‘Deep Fat you come with me, the rest of your stay here.’
‘Where are we going boss?’
‘Back into the kitchen.’
‘Oh no.’
‘Oh yes, now come on.’
By now Deep Fat was getting used to crossing the parquet hall flooring but still felt uneasy. After they made it to the kitchen Blade signalled they should slowly approach the store cupboard. Everything in the kitchen seemed familiar. The kitchen steps were conveniently near the worktop; there was the same debris scattered about which helped hide Blade and Deep Fat and there were one or two gadgets lying around. When the gadgets tried to acknowledge Blade he put up his serrated edges and said ‘Sshhh’. The store cupboard was slightly open and Blade started pulling out ingredients he thought would be needed: milk, yeast, flour, cinnamon, some margarine, oats and raisins, brown sugar and salt. And then he took off Deep Fat’s lid and loaded all the stuff in.
‘Hey what’s going on,’ said Deep Fat.
‘Be quiet, Jane says this will do the trick.’
Loaded up they headed back to the kitchen door, out into the hallway and once again into the cupboard under the stairs.
Jane got to work.
‘Are you sure this will succeed,’ said Deep Fat.
‘Yes,’ answered Jane. ‘Cinnamon Oatmeal and Raisin Bread is Toaster’s favourite. Believe me, we were close friends for quite some time,’ she blushed. ‘He likes nothing better than having some of this in his slots.’
Jane Dough was a professional. She added milk to the bread pan, then the bread flour, oats, brown sugar, salt and cinnamon. She tapped the pan to settle the dry ingredients and level them, making sure some of the flour mixture went into all the corners.
Deep Fat, The General, Lee-Mailer and Blade stood around enthralled at the process. Jane put a piece of margarine into each corner of the pan and one on top of the dry ingredients. Then deftly making a slight well in the centre of the ingredients she added the yeast. She put the bread pan into her machine and quickly tapped the programme buttons on the side. Jane slipped the raisins into her Nut Raisin Dispenser knowing they would be added automatically when her fruit beep went off.
‘Plug me in.’ said Jane. All four of the gadgets nearly fell over themselves trying to oblige but Deep Fat was there first, found the socket at the back of the cupboard and flicked the switch. Jane Dough was on. As she went through her cycle the other gadgets were earnestly discussing how to get the other accessories outside. ‘We should split up and each of us be in charge of a certain number of other gadgets,’ said The General. ‘Then if one of us gets caught the others still have a chance of getting through.
‘Sounds feasible, but how many exits are there?’ asked Blade. And so the conversation went on until Jane announced: ‘I’m ready.’
They gathered around the bread-maker once again and this time marvelled at the absolutely perfect Cinnamon, Oatmeal and Raisin Bread.
‘Wow,’ said Deep Fat, leaning in to get some from the pan.
‘Hands off, you fat lump,’ said Lee-Mailer. ‘It’s still hot and it’s not for you.’
After the bread had cooled down, Blade took it out of Jane’s pan and deftly sliced it using his tungsten carbide-tipped blades. The aroma was perfect, the sight spectacular. Now all Jane had to do was put the second part of her plan into operation. And this time she was on her own. She quickl
y moved across the hall into the kitchen and no sooner was she inside than Toaster sniffed the air.
‘Mmm, lovely lovely bread,’ he said. ‘Are you there Jane?’ he asked. ‘It must be you, mmm my favourite bread. Cinnamon, Oatmeal and Raisin, am I right?’
‘Absolutely right Toaster,’ replied Jane looking up at the worktop. ‘I thought I had been neglecting you for too long and decided to make your favourite treat.’
But Toaster was a wily old dog. ‘What are you up to Jane?’ he asked curtly. ‘I see you are down on the floor with the riff-raff that are up for auction. Do you think you can bribe me into putting in a good word for you or something.’
‘Not at all,’ said Jane. ‘I don’t mind being auctioned, I’m hardly ever used anyway. I just thought I’d give you some of my top quality bread as a sort of parting gift. After all we used to be very close when I was on the worktop with you. Don’t you remember?’
‘Yes I do, and I wish I believed you Jane, I really do…Ah well, the kitchen steps are there, I suppose there is no harm in having a couple of slices.’
Jane climbed the steps to the worktop and with a sly grin on her face approached Toaster and held out some of the bread. ‘Look, freshly baked,’ she said.
‘And freshly sliced I see as well,’ replied Toaster. ‘Have you been seeing that young Blade, looks like his handiwork. He was here yesterday, evidently lost his girlfriend or something. I don’t trust him. He’s too much of a rebel.’
‘Blade’, said Jane. ‘No, I haven’t seen Blade for ages. He’s always up here on the worktop and I’ve been packed away for months.’
‘Mmmm. All right then, feed me some of that bread.’
Toaster was a middle-of--the-range gadget. There was nothing ostentatious about him. No bells, no whistles, no electronics, just mediocre quality construction. He was a Sanwood. No fancy numbers and letters it was just a Sanwood. Made in the United Kingdom the Sanwood was acknowledged as a workhorse amongst toasters. With two slots for toast and one for toasted sandwiches it was simple to use combining functionality, reliability and a certain amount of style if not that much flair. With a polished stainless steel shell, a simple timer and a crumb tray it was functional.
Jane popped in two slices of bread.
‘Mmm, wonderful,’ sighed Toaster.
When the toast was ready, Jane popped in another couple and turned up the timer; then she put one in the sandwich toaster, carefully circling the toaster and enabling her power cord to wrap around the gadget
‘Steady Jane, they’ll start to burn.’ said Toaster startled. But Jane just grinned
and as the toast darkened she rammed in other couple of slices and turned the timer up more. The toast started to burn and slide down into the crumb tray.
‘Jane, Jane, no more’, said Toaster, ‘I’m in danger of overheating.’.
Jane pulled the power cord tighter, down over toaster’s ejection mechanism,
‘But you know you like things nice and warm and cosy, don’t you remember?’ said Jane. She looked at him with a smile transfixed on her face and pushed more bread into the machine.
‘Jane stop this, ‘ pleaded Toaster. ’Stop this at once. I’m burning up.’
The toaster tried to eject the bread but couldn’t. Then he tried to move towards the wall socket and pull out his plug, but he was hopelessly trapped by Jane’s power cord.
Jane turned up the timer once again. Smoke was coming from the slots packed with blackened bread. She put in more bread, and hit the timer to maximum, startling to chuckle to herself.
‘Jane, please, please…Jane…I beg you...’ and then Toaster’s cut-off switch kicked in and the element faded from a glowing bright hot red to nothingness and Toaster was rendered lifeless, he had blacked out.
‘That should hold him for a while,’ Jane said to herself as she hurried along the desktop heading for the kitchen steps down to the floor.
But as she was about to descend, she heard a whistling voice call out behind her, ‘Not so quick young lady. I’ve just seen everything that went on.’
Jane turned round startled, and found herself staring into the chrome dome of Kettle.
‘What have you done to Toaster?’
‘Nothing, we’re old friends you know that Kettle.’
‘Don’t waste my time Jane. I saw what you did, you knocked him out for some reason, now what’s gong on.’
‘Nothing’s going on,’ replied Jane. ‘He just had too much of my freshly-made bread. You know how greedy he can be.’
‘You stuffed him full of bread until he burst you mean, Now listen here young lady, he was never my best friend, he was too bitchy and sneaky, but we got along because we had to share this worktop. But something is going on isn’t it?’
‘I don’t know what you are talking about Kettle, but I’ve got to get on, now if you don’t mind…’ and Jane moved to go down the steps.
‘You do know what I’m talking about,’ Kettle replied with a high whistle. ‘Blade used to be on this worktop, but then his girlfriend went missing. Then he was thrown out, but recently I saw him on the kitchen floor with Deep Fat. Now Deep Fat keeps coming and going and The General and Lee-Mailer are not here any longer either. Of course something is going on. I can see there’s an auction about to take place and I think you and Blade and the rest of your weird team are trying to stop it. Am I guessing rightly Jane?’
‘Quite frankly Kettle I think you’re boiled. As I said I don’t know what you’re talking about,’ and she turned to go again.
‘I think you do Jane and I’ll have to make my suspicions known, unless you….’
‘Unless I what?’
There was a long pause…
‘Unless you take me with you,’ Kettle said in a hushed, pleading voice.
‘What are you on about?’
‘Take me with you, please,’ pleaded Kettle. ‘I know you are planning something and I want to be a part of it. You don’t know what it’s like being up here on my own with only Toaster for company,’ he added in a dejected tone. ‘It’s all right for you Jane, with your fancy computer circuits and high intelligence. But look at me, what do I do? Next to nothing. All day long, all I do is boil water. That is the beginning and the end of it. I boil water. Wow! I can’t do anything else, anything creative. Nothing. Just boil water for endless cups of tea. I’m not even used for coffee, they’ve got the Sympatico for that.’
‘Someone call my name,’ interrupted the coffee machine.
‘No, go back to sleep,’ said Jane.
‘So you see,’ continued Kettle. ‘There’s nothing exciting ever happens in my life,’ and a little splash of water like a tear rolled down his chrome lid. ‘Take me with you. I’m bored and lonely and I might not be able to do much but I’m sure I could help with whatever you’re planning. I promise I won’t tell anyone about what happened to Toaster if you’ll just take me with you.’
Suspecting a trap Jane replied: ‘How many times do I have to tell you nothing is being planned, now I have to go. If I do see Blade I’ll tell him I ran into you, but you’ll have to keep quiet about Toaster, is that a deal?
Yes,’ said Kettle, giving her a wink.
‘And keep a lookout for Blade’s girlfriend Forque. I’m sure he would appreciate it, if you know what I mean.’ And with that Jane was off.
Back in the cupboard under the stairs she reported to Blade and the rest of the team what had happened.
‘Brilliant piece of work,’ said Blade congratulating her. ‘How long do you think Toaster will be out for.
‘Oh he blacked out,’ said Jane. ‘He won’t bother us until one of the Abercrombies want some toast, so that should give us all night.’ She then went on to recount her strange meeting with Kettle and how he wanted to join them even though he would never be up for auction because he was too essential a gadget. ‘He seemed genuine,’ she said, ‘ but I didn’t let on about anything just in case.’
‘That was the wisest thing to do,’ said Blad
e.
‘Yes but can we trust this Kettle fellow to keep quiet,’ said The General. ‘Don’t want a Fifth columnist amongst our ranks.’
Deep Fat wanted to say something but couldn’t think of anything so he just sat back and beamed at Jane.
Lee-Mailer was busy at his screen taking mental notes of everyone who was up for auction and shaking his keyboard now and again in disbelief.
‘Looks like we are going to have to take old Kettle with us anyway,’ said the communications gadget. ‘He’s listed.’
‘He’s what!,’ exclaimed Blade.
‘Listed, look here chief.’
And sure enough there he was. ‘Much used but still useful traditional chrome kettle…’ read the blurb.
‘They must be getting a super modern replacement,’ said Blade.
‘And that’s not all chief,’ added Lee-Mailer. ‘He’s going as a job lot, with guess who?
‘And they all said at once: ‘Toaster!’ And then they burst out laughing.
Preparations to evacuate the house where speedily set in place. Blade drew up a list of evacuees while Lee-Mailer said: “Chief there are a couple of friends of mine still in the hallway drawer were I was banished to and I think we may need them. Permission to go get them sir.’
‘What are they Lee-Mailer?’
‘A matching pair of last year’s model mobile phones, thrown away because the number of pixels on the cameras weren’t high enough for Zack and Jake’s liking. They will be very useful sir and I can breathe new life into them. They are brother and sister, Marty and Mary’
‘Friends of mine,’ mimicked Deep Fat behind Lee-Mailer’s back. ‘Friends of mine.’
‘Fine go and get them but be careful,’ said Blade.
Blade finalised his list and called The General, Deep Fat and Jane Dough to brief them.
‘Lee-Mailer is away on an important errand,’ began Blade. ‘But he knows all about these plans.’ Deep Fat gave the chief a disdainful look as if to say, ‘Oh he has got another favourite now has he.’ But Blade caught the look and reacted: ‘There is no need to be like that Deep Fat, we are all in this together. Now, to continue. As you know we are going to split up into groups, there will be three. The General will look after one squad and Lee-Mailer and myself will take another. That leaves you Deep Fat and Jane. At first I thought you were going to be a foolish weak bread-maker when I first saw you crying in the kitchen’, said Blade to Jane. ‘But after the way you handled yourself with Toaster I can see you are going to be a great asset. And so you and Deep Fat will be looking after the third group.
As we planned, it is going to be a lot easier if we split up and exit the house by different routes. That way if one squad gets caught then the others still have a chance of getting through. Plus we won’t have to have a long procession of gadgets to try and control which would make us sitting ducks. The General will take his squad out through the conservatory. You, Deep Fat, together with Jane will go out through the kitchen door, which leaves Lee-Mailer and myself to exit by the front door. We will all have to negotiate the patios and the rockery separately and if things go according to plan meet up somewhere on the lawn and head down to the overgrown area and the Wendy House as one battalion. Is that understood?
‘Permission to speak,’ said The General.
‘Permission granted,’ said Blade adding: ‘I don’t really think we have to go through this ‘permission’ stuff every time General.’
‘Understood sir. I just wanted to know who I will be commanding, who is in my squad.’
‘Good question. I have drawn up a list here of who will be looking after what gadgets. Here’s your list,’ said Blade, handing a screen print to The General. ‘And this one is for you and Jane,’ giving another to Deep Fat. ‘Some of these gadgets are in the kitchen, some hidden away. I want you to search them out first and take them to your exits. Remember to be vigil at all times. Jane has done a good job in silencing Toaster for a while but there will be more dangers to come be assured of that and be on your guard.’
‘Sir’, said The General. ‘The Sympatico coffee machine is not on my list. I need to pull him in for questioning sir.’
‘The reason he’s not there is because he hasn’t been listed for auction,’ explained Blade,
‘But sir, I’ve had him under surveillance, I know something is going on.’
Blade was getting weary of The General. ‘OK, he sighed. ‘We’ll bring in the coffee machine.’ And then he turned to Deep Fat. ‘But he’ll be on your and Jane’s squad, not The General’s, and that’s final.’
‘But…,’ began The General.
‘No buts,’
At that moment Lee-Mailer scurried back into the cupboard quickly looking about him to make sure he hadn’t been seen or followed.
‘Ah Lee-Mailer,’ said Blade. Have you got what you went for?’
‘Yes, here they are. Gentlemen and lady meet your new friends Marty and Mary. They are mobile phones I’m just about to re-condition and which will keep all of us in touch.’ They all made their introductions and after a few minutes of tinkering Mary was given to The General and Deep Fat got Marty.
‘Well if there are no further questions I suggest you go and find your gadgets and assemble your squad at your exit points. Lee-Mailer and I will do the same. And good….’
But before Blade could say the word ‘luck’ they heard footsteps coming down the stairs.
“Don’t be stupid, they never alarm the kitchen and the hall, just the outside doors and windows. Now come on I want a midnight feast. What are you going to do, run and tell mum and dad, you little snitch? Come on I said, let’s start with some toast,’ Zack said to his younger brother.
CHAPTER FIVE
ESCAPE
Gadgets: The Great Escape Page 5
