Mindy let out a laugh that would have drawn attention to us if any of my mother’s guests had cared that we existed. “You’re kidding, right? I mean, you told me there was someone, and then it was so obvious when I saw you together at your house. Your other friends don’t know?”
“I hadn’t thought they did,” I said. “But now I’m not certain.”
“Well, Tamal seems a little dense, so he might not have worked it out, but I thought Astrid was pretty smart. And cute.”
“Don’t.”
Mindy held up her hands. “Just saying.”
“Regardless, I didn’t tell my mother because there’s nothing to know. Dre and I are no longer together.”
“Lovers’ quarrel?”
Explaining to Mindy my sexuality and the entirety of my relationship with Dre and my reasons for ending it was not how I had planned to spend the evening, but that’s exactly what I did.
“You didn’t tell anyone, did you?”
“As much as I’d love to see McMann burn everything to the ground, I’m also not the kind of person who would do that to you. Or to anyone.”
“Then it had to be Dre’s friend Mel.”
Mindy rolled her eyes. “This is why I’m a lesbian. Isn’t it obvious? Mel wasn’t responsible, and neither was I. Have you ever considered that someone hacked your phone?”
“My phone? They’d have everything. My messages, my photos.”
Mindy’s face lit up. “Please tell me you were trading nudes.”
“No!”
“Damn. That was a scandal I could’ve gotten behind.”
Just when I was beginning to think Mindy wasn’t terrible, she reminded me why she was the worst. But while there might not have been any inappropriate pictures of me or Dre on my phone, there were some proving that we had been together. Combined with our conversations, there was enough evidence to prove we had been in a relationship. But only if my phone or Dre’s had actually been hacked, which seemed improbable.
“Maybe whoever did it was just trying to scare me into admitting to the relationship because they didn’t have anything concrete,” I said.
“Doubtful.”
“Is it? Then why warn me? And why haven’t they exposed us yet? If they’re going to do it, what are they waiting for?”
“The who is easy,” Mindy said.
“The Rosarios?” It was a scenario I had been forced to consider. Maybe Dre hadn’t known about it, maybe he had, but his parents had discovered the truth about us and had decided to use it to undermine my mother. Maybe even to blackmail her into dropping out of the race.
Mindy was shaking her head. “No way. He’s not that type of person. Doesn’t have the nerve to play that dirty. Your mom would. I could totally see her outing you and then using the sympathy to drum up votes. She could support you—love the sinner—to get liberal votes, but still condemn the lifestyle—hate the sin—to hold on to the church crowd.”
A few weeks ago, I never would have believed my mother capable of something like that, but now? Maybe. “You don’t think she would, do you?”
“She might,” Mindy said, “but I think it’d be too risky. Jackson McMann’s the obvious suspect. Nothing to lose, and it doesn’t matter what happens, he’ll be there to take advantage of the chaos.”
McMann? It seemed so unlikely, but it also felt like the kind of psychological warfare he would be into. “I still don’t buy that he hacked my phone,” I said. “But the photos Pyrogue sent me were from the second debate. I ran into McMann in the hall, and he could have seen me lurking around the janitor’s closet. If he saw me go in and then Dre come out, he could have taken the pictures and made a wild guess that Dre and I were together.” I tried to walk through it in my mind to see if it made sense, and it mostly did. “But that still doesn’t explain how he found me on Promethean.”
Mindy rolled her eyes. “I thought you were smart.” When I didn’t answer, she said, “McMann designed Promethean. It’s his company.”
“Would he really violate users’ privacy like that?”
“You sweet, simple boy,” she said. “Of course he would!”
All the pieces began to click into place. McMann saw Dre and me go into the janitor’s closet, and he took the photos. Then he found my Promethean username and sent me the pictures. He wouldn’t have needed to hack my phone, though it still wouldn’t hurt to have Tamal take a look at it.
“As for why he’s waiting,” Mindy went on, “I can only guess, but if it were me, I’d use the information to mess with you and then drop the bomb when it would do the most damage.”
“The third debate?”
Mindy seemed to weigh that and agreed. “Oh yeah. That would totally knock your parents off their game. They’d be all shocked, and McMann could be like, ‘How can you expect either of them to run a country when they don’t even know what’s going on with their own children?’ It’s sadistic but genius.”
“How can you admire that jerk when he’s trying to ruin my life?” The more time that had passed since hearing from Pyrogue, the more I had begun to hope it was a hoax, but this was really happening. McMann might not have more than those two photos, but even the suggestion that Dre and I were more than friends could do some major damage. Eventually, the truth was going to come out, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. McMann was going to destroy my life, he was going to destroy my mother’s political career, and he was going to destroy the country.
“You could always beat McMann to it,” Mindy said. “Tell your mom before he tells the world.”
“Great advice, Mindy. Remind me, how long have your parents known about your girlfriend?”
Mindy didn’t snap back the way I had expected her to. “Wanna know what happens if my parents find out I’m dating a girl?”
“I—”
“There’s a camp in Utah. They call it a camp, but it’s basically a prison where they would use a variety of methods, including aversive conditioning, cognitive behavioral therapy, psychotropic medication, or anything else they think would stop me from being attracted to girls. At least that’s what the website I found bookmarked on my dad’s computer promised. And since I’m not eighteen for another two years, there’s nothing I could do to fight them if they sent me . . . short of running away.”
Even coming to terms with the idea that my mother might not be able to accept me for who I was meant the worst that would happen to me was having to live with her disappointment. Family gatherings might be uncomfortable, and I wouldn’t be bringing potential boyfriends home for the holidays, but my parents wouldn’t do something as horrible as send me to a conversion therapy camp. I had no idea any parent would go to such great lengths in order to force their children to be who they expected them to be. Maybe that was naive of me.
“I’m sorry.”
The thundercloud that had swept across Mindy passed. “It’s whatever. There are kids who have it so much worse.”
“I still can’t tell my parents,” I said. “I’m not brave enough.”
Mindy laughed derisively. “Maybe you’d be a little braver if you had someone to be brave for.”
“He’s gone,” I said. “I hurt him, and I don’t think there’s anything I could do to make it up to him.”
“Have you tried?”
“No.”
“Then you don’t know shit.”
“What do I do?”
Mindy sighed and looked at me like I was the most ignorant person she had ever met. And she might not have been wrong. “Start with an apology. Go from there.” She stood. “Speaking of going, I’m going to go see what kind of trouble I can cause. How many wallets do you think I can lift?”
“None would be best.”
“But where’s the fun in that?”
I couldn’t help laughing as Mindy walked away. She was still kind of the worst, but also kind of the best. When I was alone, I pulled out my phone and set it on the table in front of me. I wasn’t afraid of apologizing. I was afraid Dr
e wouldn’t accept.
Dre
PatheticMamasBoy: Hi, Dre. It’s Dean.
PatheticMamasBoy: This is my new username.
PatheticMamasBoy: I’m certain you don’t want to speak to me, and you have every right to be angry. I was scared and I overreacted. I’m still scared. Terrified, actually.
PatheticMamasBoy: Mindy thinks Jackson McMann might be the one targeting us, and she believes he will leak the information to the press right before the last debate.
PatheticMamasBoy: Mindy knows, by the way. She figured it out on her own, but I’m glad she knows.
PatheticMamasBoy: I’m also glad that Mel knows. I shouldn’t have been angry with you for telling her, and I shouldn’t have accused her of sending me the messages. I had no right to force you to keep us a secret from your best friend.
PatheticMamasBoy: I don’t know what to do, Dre. Mindy thinks the only thing I can do is come out to my parents, but I’m afraid. You were right about my mother. I want to believe she’s a good person at heart, but I’m not sure she’s capable of accepting this part of me. At least not right now. Possibly not ever.
PatheticMamasBoy: The only thing that scares me more than being rejected by my mother is never seeing you again.
PatheticMamasBoy: I’m sorry. I am sorry that I broke up with you. I am sorry that I accused you of being the reason someone knows about us. I am sorry for being a spineless jellyfish and not being able to own up to who I am.
PatheticMamasBoy: I am sorry.
PatheticMamasBoy: I care deeply for you. More deeply than anyone other than my family. I thought I was confident in who I was, but you showed me what real confidence looks like. Even if you never speak to me again, you’ve left a mark on my soul that I am grateful for.
PatheticMamasBoy: Thank you for letting me get to know you and for helping me to know myself. You are a very special person, Andre Rosario.
PatheticMamasBoy: I suppose that’s all I have to say.
PatheticMamasBoy: If you ever want to talk, this is my username.
PatheticMamasBoy: Okay, then.
PatheticMamasBoy: Bye.
PatheticMamasBoy: Dre? Are you there?
Dean
I WAS PRETTY certain I was going to vomit.
My mother was packing her suitcase, expecting she wouldn’t be returning home until after the final debate. My father was sitting in a chair in the corner reading to her from the New York Times. From where I was standing in the hallway, I actually felt bad for what I was about to do. I was going to add a complication to their lives that they did not need at the moment. But the truth is rarely convenient, and even when telling it is the right thing to do, it still sometimes hurts.
A wave of nausea hit me, and it was so strong that I turned to run to the bathroom, but it passed. The nausea was my fear talking, and I’d let it have its say for long enough.
“Mom,” I said, walking into their bedroom. “Dad.”
My father looked up from the paper. “Hey, Dean. I thought you were working out with Tamal.”
“I was,” I said. “I did. Now I’m back.”
“Good,” my mother said. “We need to go over your schedule. I’d like to have you with me—”
“Can we . . . there’s something I need to talk to you both about.” My voice was shaky. I hadn’t been this afraid to tell my parents something since fifth grade, when I had nearly failed three classes. That’s when I was diagnosed with ADD, but at the time I just thought I was a failure. I hadn’t failed them then any more than I was failing them now by coming out, but that didn’t eliminate my fear.
My mother stopped sorting which clothes to put in her suitcase and my father set down his paper. They both gave me their full attention. “Well, Dean?” my mother said. “Spit it out. I do have a plane to catch.”
I wished Dre were by my side for this, but he hadn’t responded to any of my messages on Promethean, and I wasn’t sure if he had gotten or read them. I had even sent a message to Dre’s actual phone number to warn him of what I was about to do. He hadn’t responded to that message either, making it clear he didn’t want to speak to me. It was probably better this way. I needed to face my parents on my own. I needed to know that I could.
“I kissed Dre Rosario,” I said, spitting it out without preamble. “We were dating. It began during the security scare at the first debate, and we’ve been seeing each other since.”
I had spent all night trying to devise the best way to come out to my parents. I was going to have to explain asexuality and demisexuality to them, and I was going to have to try to explain that I didn’t think I was gay but that most of the people I had been attracted to were men, and I was going to have to tell them that I was still exploring my sexuality and that nothing was set in stone at the moment. But I feared doing so would only confuse them. To come out to them and make sure they knew this wasn’t a joke or a phase or something they could control, I needed to tell them the one thing I knew with all the certainty in my soul.
“I care about Dre. I want to be with Dre.”
I let that sink in and then I told them the rest.
My father was the first to speak. “Is Andre your boyfriend?”
“Yes,” I said. “Actually, no. He was, but I broke up with him because I was scared. I’ve tried to apologize, and I’m hoping we can fix things, but I’m not sure if that’s possible yet.”
“And you’re certain?”
I nodded. “About Dre? Absolutely.”
My mother hadn’t said a single word. She had barely even moved. She was a statue, staring at me with an unreadable expression.
“Mom?”
“No,” she said.
“No?”
“I do not accept this.”
Whoever said words can never hurt us had never had their mother look them in the eye and refuse to accept them. “It doesn’t change who I am.”
My mother threw the blouse she’d been holding into her suitcase. “I raised you better than this. At least, I thought I had.”
“Jan,” my father said.
“This comes from your side of the family.”
“Mom,” I said, but she ignored me. “Mom!”
My mother looked at me like I was a stranger. No, I’d seen her show more compassion to strangers. She looked at me like I was a problem. Something to be solved. To be fixed or cured. “You will not speak of this until after the election, not to anyone. And I absolutely forbid you to see Andre Rosario.”
She shut the top of her suitcase and zipped it with so much force that I feared she was going to yank the zipper right off.
I didn’t want my mother to see me cry, but I couldn’t stop the tears as they welled up in my eyes. I could see my father struggling to understand what I’d told him, but at least he was trying. My mother would not even give me that much. Maybe if we’d had more time, she would have been able to come around, but we didn’t.
“Someone already knows.”
“What do you mean, Dean?” my father asked.
I told them about Promethean and the messages I’d received from Pyrogue. “Mindy thinks McMann sent them and that he’s going to expose Dre and me before the last debate.”
My mother scoffed. “That girl also thinks her father doesn’t know who she really spends her time with, but she’s not as clever as she believes.”
Dad finally stood and moved between Mom and me. “Why don’t we all take a moment to cool off?”
But my mother wasn’t interested in cooling off. “This is the work of the Rosarios. They used their son to get to you, and you were gullible enough to fall for his lies.”
“Dre had nothing to do with it.”
“You don’t get to talk right now, Dean. All I expect from you is silence and compliance, do you understand?”
The “Yes, ma’am” s
prang to my lips on instinct, but I bit it back at the last second because I was done being quiet. I was done doing as I was told.
“I’m sorry, Mom. I know this isn’t what you wanted, and I know my timing is terrible. I never wanted to do anything to hurt you or the election, but I can’t change who I am. Why can’t you just accept that? Why can’t you just accept me?”
Dad rested his hand on my shoulder and tried to draw me out of the room.
“I think you’re a hypocrite for fighting for equality for women in the military but denying transgender soldiers the same rights to serve,” I said. “And I think your plan to arm teachers to stop school shootings is going to put more people in danger than it will save. I hate that you value soldiers over teachers and that you believe it’s acceptable for doctors to refuse to do their jobs because of their religious beliefs.
“And I support you anyway. I accept you anyway. I love you anyway. I wish you could do the same for me.”
I waited for my mother to respond. I waited for her to yell at me. I waited to see something in her eyes that showed me that what I’d said had gotten through to her. And I kept waiting until I was sure my waiting was in vain.
This time when my father tried to lead me out of the room, I let him.
Dre
MY DAD OPENED my bedroom door without knocking, walked in without asking, and sat on the end of my bed. I didn’t even have the energy to be pissed about it. I didn’t have the energy to do much of anything. Mel had been trying to get me to do a Dreadful Dressup shoot with her, but that required getting out of bed, and I just wasn’t up for it.
“You’ve been secretly dating Dean Arnault?”
The words that came out of my dad’s mouth couldn’t have been the words I actually heard. “What?”
“That’s why you went to Boston,” he said. “You went to see Dean.”
Shit.
“I don’t know—”
“Your mom and I just got off the phone with Janice and Doug Arnault. I think they’re still trying to piece together all the information, but from what they told us, you’ve been seeing their son since the first debate?”
The State of Us Page 24
