by Briar Lane
Whether it was work stress, or some event at Alex’s school I had to make time for to attend, or a project she had on a busy week, or car troubles, or dating troubles… There was always something. I always had this mentality of ‘if I can just get through this week, it’ll all be easier’ but that was never true.
With a child, it was never smooth sailing. I never had time to breathe. Everyone told me that once Alex was finally in school it’d get easier and I’d have more time to myself, but that just wasn’t true. I was run down all the time.
I tried to be so independent. I mean, I really had to be. I had no relationship with my parents, so they offered me no help. I didn’t have friends anymore. Once I got pregnant, I lost all the people in my life. They continued on with their lifestyles and I started a new one.
The only help I got was from hired sitters, and I only hired a sitter when I absolutely had to.
It would have been so nice to have someone. I loved Alex and I loved bonding just the two of us. But what a relief it would be to come home to another adult who can shoulder some of the responsibility. Some days I fantasized about the simplest things… like coming home to my man having fixed us dinner, or my man watching Alex while I go grocery shopping…
I know, it sounds like a dumb luxury, but it really is easier to grocery shop without your kid around. A twenty minute trip becomes an hour with Alex wanting to look at every little thing.
Most days, I got by on my fantasies and accepted that it was simply not my life yet. But I imagined that one day soon, it could be. I told myself that any day now I could meet Mr. Right and have the happy support I’ve always wanted.
That was starting to feel more and more like an impossibility, though. I’d been dating for a few years now, ever since Alex was old enough to be left with a babysitter, and I hadn’t had one single promising date. Not one. Either there was no chemistry or our lifestyles were incompatible. And it was beginning to feel like there was no Mr. Right out there for me and that I was never going to get the support I needed.
Not that support needs to come from a significant other. It doesn’t. But since I had no family and no friends, having a partner was really the only way I envisioned myself ever getting any help. Only now, I couldn’t even envision it.
My hopelessness was really starting to weigh on me. It was hard to even get myself to go down the street to pick up Alex. I just wanted to wallow alone… maybe have a nice, long, hot bath and just soak in all my disappointment.
But I couldn’t. Because I was a mom. And there’s never any time to wallow when you’re a mom.
Alex’s teacher had sent me her address and I immediately knew what house it was. It was a cute blue one that I always stared at when driving by because it had a gorgeous cherry blossom tree outside. That’s probably not what they’re officially called, but every spring they caught my eye. I absolutely adored cherry blossoms; they were so pretty.
It was less than a minute’s walk to her house, but I took as long as I could, walking as slowly as my legs would allow. It wasn’t a long, wallowing bath, but the quietness in the spring air was a little calming. It would be the only alone time I got until Alex’s bedtime, so I was going to take it all in.
Normally I wasn’t much for alone time, actually. I much preferred my time being occupied with Alex. She kept me active in a way that minimized my stress. I had less time to think and get myself worked up over things that really didn’t matter when I was with her.
It was just today that I wanted some time to be sad and reflect. I never allowed myself to do that, and it really had been a rough day.
I knocked on the door of the cute, blue house and immediately heard the little pitter-patter of feet that I recognized as Alex’s run. She flung the door open and lunged toward me, wrapping her little arms around my legs.
“Mom!” she yelled out happily.
“Hey, sweetheart,” I said, running my hand over her head. “Sorry I couldn’t pick you up from school.”
“It’s okay! Miss Andrews took me! And we had fun!”
“Did you, now?” I smiled at her as I looked up and saw Miss Andrews walking my way. “Miss Andrews, thank you so much for taking her home.”
She gave a soft wave of her hand. “It was no problem at all. And, please, call me Lana.”
“Well, Lana, thank you. I really do appreciate it. I normally would never leave Alex waiting at school, but, man, it’s been such a day.”
“I understand completely. You’re always on time so I figured something had happened. How’s your car, by the way?”
I sighed. “Oh, it’s fine. I just need to change the battery. I was actually just about to get an Uber so I could head to the hardware store now and change it before it gets dark. I should probably get it out of the way since I have work in the morning.”
“An Uber? Well, do you maybe want me to take you?” she asked. “It’d be no problem.”
Wow, she was incredibly kind. After watching my daughter all afternoon she was willing to spend more time helping us? She’d always seemed like a great teacher, but this was above and beyond.
“That is seriously so nice,” I told her. “But I couldn’t possibly let you do that! You just did me this huge favor, surely you’ve got something better to do.”
“I really don’t, though!” she said quickly. “I’m just going to be sitting here watching TV. Seriously, it’s no trouble. I’ll just go grab my keys.”
She said it all so fast, I didn’t have time to say no. I mean, I didn’t really want to say no, if I’m being honest. I appreciated the ride. I really had no idea how getting an Uber was going to work anyway with me having Alex. She wouldn’t have her car seat or anything.
I did feel very guilty though. She was doing so much for me and I had no way to repay her. I figured maybe tomorrow I could grab her a bottle of wine or something as a thank you, but that hardly seemed like enough.
She popped back in the doorway a moment later. “Okay, let’s go!”
4
Lana
Alex’s mom could not stop thanking me the entire car ride back from the auto shop. I could tell she was genuinely grateful, but she was acting like I’d just given her a small loan of a million dollars instead of just a trip to the auto parts store.
But I wasn’t complaining. It was nice to feel so appreciated. I loved my life and I loved my job, but it could be a bit thankless at times. Alex’s mom, who I learned was named Katie, had me feeling like a superhero.
“Have you ever put a battery in your car?” I asked her as we pulled up to her house.
“Uh, actually, I haven’t,” she said sheepishly. “I was just going to YouTube it and hope for the best.”
I laughed. “Well, that would probably work, but I know how to do it if you want me to just go for it.”
“You’re kidding me,” she said, eyebrows raised. “You watch my child all day at school, then babysit her after, then take me to the auto parts store, and now you’re going to change my car battery? Are you an actual angel? Is this all a dream?”
I laughed again. “I meant what I said, I’d be bored at home. I’ve got nothing to grade tonight and I spend most of my evenings working. When I have nothing to do, I go stir-crazy.”
“So you don’t have a husband or anything?” she asked.
“I do not,” I told her, while I contemplated whether I should explain that I was gay and if anything, I’d have a wife. But that seemed like it was too personal to tell the parent of one of my students. I was sure she’d react fine, we were in a very liberal community and she was quite young so it was hard to imagine she’d have a problem with her child having a gay schoolteacher. Still, it seemed more professional to keep it to myself.
“Well, that makes two of us.” She smiled.
“I figured, since you were the only one at parent-teacher night and everything.”
“Right.” She nodded. “Just me, myself, and I.”
She sounded a little dejected. I wondered if I
should say something, but, again, it would be getting very personal. And if she was having some kind of relationship trouble, it didn’t seem like the kind of thing we should talk about with her daughter in the car.
“Okay, so, I’ll go get my toolbox and I’ll be back over in just a minute.”
“Great, thank you!” she said. “I’ll get Alex set up with some television or something.”
“Can I watch Rhino Police?” Alex asked excitedly, referring to a popular cartoon for toddlers.
“Sure.” Katie nodded as she unbuckled Alex out of her car seat, which we had put in my car before we headed to the store. Once Alex hopped out, Katie proceeded to pull the full car seat out and sit it down on the driveway.
I felt guilty about it, but I couldn’t help but notice how attractive Katie was. She was about my age, which was unlike most of my other students’ parents. I’d only been teaching for two years of course, but in this area, which was pretty well-to-do, most of the parents were older.
I really couldn’t even imagine being a parent yet, which is funny considering my career choice. But it was so stressful just keeping the kids in line throughout the day that I couldn’t imagine being responsible for a child 24-7. I really admired all parents but especially ones as young as Katie.
That was all I could think about as I went to grab my shiny, red toolbox from my garage.
I walked back with the metal tools clanging around softly inside. It was an oddly soothing sound to me, probably because my father was a mechanic and I used to enjoy hanging out in the garage and helping him work. That was also why I was so confident in my ability to change Katie’s battery.
She was out on the lawn when I arrived, her heels sinking slightly in the wet, green grass. Now that I thought about it, I never saw her in heels before this day. So it didn’t seem like she was dressed like this for work or anything. Normally she picked Alex up in cute sweaters, khakis, and flats.
“I don’t know if this is too much to ask, but what has you all dressed up today?” I asked as I popped the hood of her car.
Her face flushed a bit, which told me it was, in fact, too personal of a question. But she answered me anyway.
“Well, that’s kind of part of my bad day, if I can be honest. I was actually on a lunch date today.”
“Ahh… So I take it that didn’t go so well?”
“Not at all,” she said.
“You… wanna talk about it?” I asked.
She laughed. “I do. But is that weird? Is it weird to talk about my personal life with my daughter’s teacher?”
I couldn’t exactly answer that because I’d been wondering the same thing. Was this all too personal? I really couldn’t be sure. There was no rule saying that I couldn’t talk to a kid’s parent, was there? No rule stating that Katie and I couldn’t be friends?
“I don’t see why not. It’s not like I’m your teacher.” I smiled. “I don’t see why I can’t be a sounding board.”
“You know, that’s exactly what I need right now: a sounding board,” she said. “I really don’t have one of those in my life.”
“Really? You don’t have, like, any friends to rant to about your bad dates?”
“I don’t,” she admitted, again in the same dejected tone from earlier. “All of my old friends are in a totally different phase of their life than I am, even though we’re the same age. Most of them are just beginning their careers or getting engaged, and, of course, I’ve been a mom for five years now.”
“I get it,” I said. “I mean, I don’t really get it, of course, because I don’t have a kid either, but I can understand. I was just thinking about how it must be hard for you. You’re a lot younger than all the other parents who make mommy friends.”
“That’s exactly it!” she said quickly. “I can’t make friends with any of Alex’s classmates’ parents. None of them are my age. None of them invite me to the playdates. I’m too old to hang out with my young friends, too young to hang out with the older parents. I’m in some awkward in-between. And that transfers over to dating too.”
I wasn’t so sure what she meant by that. “How so?” I asked.
“Well, all the guys I date who are my age are either looking to hook-up or have some fun, casual relationship with someone where they can go out on the weekends and just enjoy themselves. Or there are guys who are ready to settle down and commit to a woman, but they don’t want to do it with a woman who already has a kid.”
I frowned. I’d never considered that. I mean, I thought about how hard it would be to be a single mom and date, but I never thought about the fact that even the men who do want families want to start families of their own.
“I’m so sorry. That’s awful.”
She nodded. “I mean, I knew when I decided to have a kid so young that things were going to be difficult in my life. But I never thought I’d have to give up dating completely.”
“But you haven’t, right?” I asked, as I began to take out her old battery. “I mean, you’re still dating and stuff.”
She sighed. “For now. Though I’m thinking I might really need to stop. It’s just so disappointing. Every time I walk away from a bad date feeling a little depressed.”
“Depressed?” I asked, trying hard to keep my focus on the battery when I was completely distracted by her. I spent most of my time around twenty children, so I hadn’t had a serious adult conversation in a while. And even though it was clearly about something awful in her life, I had to admit it was nice to discuss something real.
“Yeah. I know that’s pathetic, to be depressed over a date.”
“No, it’s not!” I said instantly, wanting to make it clear that it wasn’t my opinion at all.
“I guess it’s just that every time a date fails, I’m reminded of how alone I am and how much I struggle with that. Not that I hate my life or anything, of course I don’t, and I love Alex… But sometimes I just think about how nice it would be to have a partner by my side.”
“That I do understand,” I said, as I finished pulling her battery out and went to connect the new one. “I don’t even have a child to take care of and I still wish I had someone else in my life. Someone to talk about my day with, to get support from…”
Although my reasons for not having a partner were a lot different than Katie’s, it was still a struggle for me living in this town and dating. It wasn’t a big town, and I think I’d gone out with pretty much every other lesbian that lived here. Okay, that obviously couldn’t be true, but the point is that I’d dated a lot of women and my dating pool wasn’t big here so it was hard to find someone.
“Exactly!” she said. “As much as I love Alex’s company, I’m obviously her mom and I’m here to support her. It can’t exactly go the other way around. And it’s getting so exhausting doing this whole thing on my own. I don’t mean to sound like that pathetic single mom who’s just desperate to find a new man, because it’s not like that. If I even had some friends to lean on, I’d be happy, but it’s just not like that anymore.”
“I feel the exact same way,” I said as I finished up and went to close the hood of her car.
“I guess we both need some girlfriends in our life, huh?” she asked.
I laughed a little harder than I should have because it was especially true for me, but she looked confused so I reigned it in. “You know, me and you should totally hang out sometime,” I told her.
Normally, I would have added ‘as friends’ but since she didn’t know I was gay, I didn’t feel the need. The implication there was already friendship.
“Really?” she asked, sounding clearly excited.
“Yeah! I mean, I’m not a mommy friend, but I’m the closest you’re gonna get from someone with no kids, being that my entire day centers around them. And now that we know I live just down the street from you, why not?”
She smiled. “Yeah, you know, I’d actually really like that.”
“Great!” I gave her an enthusiastic smile in return. “Looking forwar
d to it. And your car should be good to go now.”
“Oh my God, thank you. You’ve seriously been a lifesaver today.” Katie gave a little hop toward me and then wrapped her arms around me tightly, pulling me in toward her hug.
I had to admit, I liked the way her body felt pressed against me. She was an attractive woman and I couldn’t help myself. Her hair smelled so good…
I pulled away somewhat quickly. Not too fast to be rude but not lingering either. I didn’t want to come off as creepy.
“Okay then, you have a good night!” I said. I was admittedly a little eager to leave now… After she’d pressed against me like that I felt my face go flush and I really didn’t want it to be obvious that I was interested in her.
“You too!” she said, and she tried to seem cheerful, but I had a feeling she was a little disappointed I was leaving.
But we’d spent nearly all day together. And we’d officially run out of things to do, so there was no real reason for me to stay. I know we’d just said we should hang out sometime, but it felt too overeager to start that right then.
Besides, I didn’t want to stay if all I could do was think about how attractive she was. And that was all I could think about.
5
Katie
I sat outside the school, watching the leaves of a tree blow gently in the wind.
I had my hand on the cool glass of a wine bottle I had bought for Lana. It was going to be my thank you gift to her for watching Alex the other day and helping me with my car.
But it was also going to be my segue into asking her to hang out.
I’d been holding off for a few days because I didn’t want to seem desperate, but I could not wait to hang out with Lana again.
It was crazy. I was having the worst day and didn’t even want to leave the couch before I went over to her house, but she totally changed it for me. That day ended up being the best day I’d had all week. Just the short, honest conversations we were able to have meant so much to me. I hadn’t talked to anyone like that in a really long time. I forgot how much I’d missed it.
