by Briar Lane
I smiled despite myself. It was weird, I still had all these warm feelings toward her and I really did enjoy our night, but I also had all this confusion welling up inside me. I felt almost nauseated about my dream and all the questions it brought up.
But I wanted to push it out of my head, so I decided to chalk it all up to the alcohol. Yeah, that must have been it. Though I had a glass of red wine fairly regularly, I didn’t get drunk anymore—not ever. That was the first time I’d been drunk in years. And being drunk totally gives you weird dreams, right? That was all it was. Just a weird dream… It didn’t mean anything. None of this meant anything.
I said it like a chant in my head. None of this meant anything, none of this meant anything…
But no matter how many times I repeated it, I just didn’t feel it.
8
Lana
The other night after I’d hung out with Katie, I was hoping I’d hear from her right away. She did seem really enthusiastic about our hang out and I was expecting a text shortly after she woke, or at least that day.
But all weekend, no message came. I couldn’t understand it. I thought the night ended on a high note.
Maybe she thought it was rude that I left without saying anything. But I had to leave early. If I’m being honest, I barely slept that night and every time I awoke I was tempted by the thought that she was so close by. Close enough to just walk to and…
But I didn’t. I didn’t do anything. And I was damn proud of myself for that. I sat on her couch getting no sleep, full of anxiety, and just waited until I was sober enough to get home.
It was a good thing too, because based on the fact that she hadn’t even texted to hang out as friends, she most definitely had no interest in being anything more than that. Which I never expected, of course.
I was pretty anxious by the time Monday rolled around after not having heard from her. When the bell rang that day my stomach was once again full of nervous butterflies. The worst things came to my mind… Like that I’d done something wrong, that Katie could sense I was into her, that it was only drunk words when she told she wanted to be good friends, and that now she had completely lost interest in me.
But I told myself I was just being paranoid. It had gone so well. There was no reason for her to not want to be my friend now. I was imagining everything.
As it turned out, I wasn’t. Because when I went to take the kids to the drop-off zone, I saw Katie all the way on the sidewalk, waving only to Alex but not coming forward to grab her like she usually did.
Naturally, Alex darted straight for her. The second she did, Katie turned around with Alex’s hand in hers and made her way to her car.
So my gut was right. There was something weird going on. It wasn’t all in my head…
And it didn’t feel better to have that confirmed for me.
I was a mess the whole car ride home. What was it that I had done? Was the note too much? Was she mad I left? Did she realize after she was no longer drunk that I’d been acting really strangely?
I had no idea, but I was so overwhelmed with the fear I’d done something horribly wrong that I wasn’t able to sit around and dwell on it.
It was probably the wrong decision, but as soon as I got home I decided to go over to Katie and Alex’s house.
I just needed to know what was wrong. If she didn’t want to hang out with me again, fine, no problem. I’d leave her alone. But if I had something to apologize for, I wanted to do that. I wanted to make amends.
I nervously made my way to their house, doubting myself with every step that I took. But I didn’t want to back out. If I did, I’d just sit at home and obsess about everything I had and hadn’t done. And even if she was drunk while saying it, Katie said that she wanted a friendship full of honesty. One where we could ask each other the hard questions.
Well, this was one of those hard questions.
I knocked on the door half-hoping Katie wouldn’t answer, but she did. She was smiling while opening the door but as soon as she registered it was me, that smile sunk.
“Oh, hey!” she said, trying to sound cheerful. But it came off incredibly fake. If I wasn’t sure that she was upset with me before, I was positive she was now.
“Hey, can I talk to you for a minute?” I asked. I could see behind her that Alex was on the couch planted in front of the TV.
Katie nodded, though her expression was nervous again. “Sure, one second,” she said, stepping outside and shutting the door behind her. “What’s up?”
“I just wanted to come by and ask if there’s maybe something I did wrong,” I said. “I mean, things just felt a little weird today when you picked Alex up, and I hadn’t heard from you since we hung out the other night. I just wanted to know if I had something to apologize for or…”
“No, no, no!” she said quickly. “You have absolutely nothing to apologize for! Nothing in the slightest.”
She did sound genuine, so I accepted that. “Okay, so, what’s wrong then?” I asked.
“Nothing’s wrong,” she answered, this time not sounding genuine at all. And I called her out on it.
“Something is clearly wrong, Katie…”
She sighed. “Okay, yeah, I know. Something is. But it’s just… I swear, it’s nothing you did and I don’t want you to feel weird at all.”
“Alright, so what is it?”
She looked down at the ground sheepishly. “I’m sorry to do this, but I really don’t want to have this conversation with Alex sitting right inside. Is there any way you might want to come over later? After her bedtime again?”
I really didn’t want to wait that long, but if it was important enough that Katie was nervous about Alex overhearing, of course I’d come back. I wanted her to be as comfortable as possible to tell me whatever it was.
“Sure. After 8?”
“Yeah, that’d be perfect. But I promise, you did nothing. So don’t feel weird until then, okay?”
“I’ll try not to,” I said, forcing a smile. “See you then.”
“Right, see you then.”
9
Katie
I felt awful that I had left Lana feeling weird. She had been nothing but kind to me, and here I was being a total ass.
I hadn’t meant to be, though. After I had my dream, I told myself I’d just wait a few days to text her so that I could relax and forget about it. I knew I’d feel weird seeing her again with the dream still vividly in my head.
But then Monday rolled around and I still couldn’t get it out of my head. I told myself I’d ignore it and talk to her after school. Nothing serious, just small talk about how good the other night had been.
When the bell rang, though, I just froze. I couldn’t bring myself to go talk to her. I couldn’t even look at her. I knew I was being standoffish and weird, but still, I couldn’t change it. It was all so tense and awkward.
So I’m not surprised she confronted me on it. I had no idea what to say to her, though. The truth was that I didn’t really think Alex could hear me through the door. That wasn’t why I wanted Lana to come back later. I just wanted time to figure out what I was going to say.
I was running out of time, though. I had just put Alex to bed and Lana could show up at any moment now.
On some level, I was going to have to be honest with Lana. If I wasn’t, or if I tried to make some fake, lame excuse for my behavior, she was going to see right through me and think it was because of something she did.
But how can you not awkwardly say, ‘Hey, I had a sex dream about you and now I feel really weird?’
There was no way to do it.
I really did want this girl to be my friend though, and that wasn’t gonna happen by lying to her. I just had to hope that I could tell her the truth and that she’d either understand or laugh it off and it wouldn’t be intensely awkward.
I heard a knock at my door and my heart began to pound in my chest.
Here goes nothing…
I answered and saw Lana st
anding there awkwardly, forcing a smile that was obviously fake.
“Come in,” I said nervously, motioning for her to come inside. She did and sat down on the couch.
“So, what’s going on?” she asked. I could tell she was still not completely convinced that this was an issue that had nothing to do with her.
I sat down next to her and sighed. “So this is, like, extremely awkward for me to talk about…” I told her. “And I just want to you know that the last thing I’d ever want to do is make you uncomfortable, okay?”
“Okay…” she said nervously.
I took in a deep breath. “You truly didn’t do anything wrong, and the other night I had a total blast hanging out with you. It was so much fun. But when I went to sleep that night, I just… I had a kind of weird moment.”
She raised an eyebrow. “A weird moment?”
“A weird… dream,” I said.
I was hoping she would pick up on what I meant already, but it seemed to go right over her head. Okay, guess I was going to have to explain it…
I took in another deep breath. “I kind of had… a sex dream about you.”
She looked confused, then like she seemed to understand, then she burst out laughing. “Is that all?”
“Uh… yeah. I’m sorry, I thought I was going to totally freak you out.”
“No, not at all!” she said quickly, almost seeming happy for a second.
“Oh, thank God! I was hoping you’d react like that!” I told her.
“React like what?”
“React like it was just some funny, drunk dream. Like, I’ve felt so weird since it happened and kind of gross and I just didn’t want you to be weirded out too.”
Lana’s face kind of fell for a moment, and I couldn’t figure out why, but then she quickly recovered.
“No, of course not! I mean, it was just a dream. Dreams don’t have to mean anything.”
“They don’t, right?” I said, trying to convince myself of this. “Like, I was just super drunk. I haven’t been drunk in so long that I think my mind just kind of made up this whole weird scenario in my head and… I don’t know, it was silly and dumb. I’m sorry I was distant. But it wasn’t you at all, it was just, you know, me trying to shake off the totally gross dream.”
She laughed. “Right, so gross…”
There was a weird tone in her voice but I couldn’t really make it out. Was she more weirded out than she was letting on? I really couldn’t tell.
“Well, okay, I’m so glad I told you!” I said. “I feel way better after getting that off my chest. So, like, we’re totally friends, right?”
“Totally.” She nodded. “Completely friends.”
“Awesome! Do you maybe want to watch some TV or…?”
“Uh… no,” she said softly. “No, actually, I think I’m just gonna… head home for now, if that’s alright. I’m a little tired and it’s a school day tomorrow…”
I was a little disappointed to hear it, but I couldn’t blame her so I tried to hide it. “No, right, of course. I have work too, so that’s probably for the best.”
Lana stood up and smiled. “We’ll hang out soon, though.”
“Great, looking forward to it.”
I went to stand up to lean in and hug her, but before I could she headed for the door and quickly shut it behind her. It was weird. I was positive she knew I was coming in for a hug but it seemed like she didn’t want to hug me. I had my fingers crossed she wasn’t weirded out by the dream like I was.
But I couldn’t be sure.
10
Lana
I collapsed onto my bed as I tried to process the rollercoaster of emotions I’d just felt.
First, I was absolutely thrilled to hear that Katie had a sex dream about me. As soon as she said it, I thought… this is it. This is the moment she tells me that she also likes women and that she was interested in me. I had never felt so much joy in a single moment. Even though it hadn’t been long, I was crushing on her incredibly hard.
And then there was everything she said after. How she was weirded out, how gross it was, how she was so glad it didn’t bother me…
I had been seconds away from confessing to her that I was gay, and then she said all… that.
Now I felt absolutely awful. I first felt dumb for ever thinking that she was going to feel the same way about me that I felt for her. Then I was crushed. Then I wondered if I should mention to her that I’m gay, like, ever.
Okay, maybe that was unfair. She wasn’t saying it was gross to have a lesbian dream at all, she was just personally grossed out by the idea of being with me. Still, I felt somehow attacked.
I mean, I felt attacked either way. Even if it was only me she didn’t like, it was still… me. And I liked her… so, so much.
I just felt terrible. This hadn’t been what I wanted. I was more than prepared to be her friend before. Truly, I had been. I was ready to just lay down my feelings and be a good person to her. But now?
Now the discrepancy in our feelings had been highlighted. Though I already assumed she didn’t like me before, it was different, because it was unspoken. But Katie speaking the concept into existence meant that I had to face the fact that we did not feel the same way about each other.
I buried my head into my pillow as I realized we could not be friends after all. It wouldn’t be healthy for me. I had crazy feelings for this woman despite the fact that we’d only known each other a short time. I’d dated a lot of women and never found this kind of connection. If I stayed around and tried to be her friend I knew these feelings would only grow stronger… I had to nip this in the bud, before I fell totally in love with her and started torturing myself.
My first instinct was to just avoid her, the same way she had done to me… Pretend we didn’t have this talk and just stay the hell away as much as I possibly could.
But that wasn’t fair. I knew how bad it felt to feel the connection severed and not know why. I liked her too much to do that to her. Tomorrow, I’d tell her how I really feel. That I’m gay, that I like her, and therefore I can’t be her friend.
It was going to freaking suck, but at least I knew that I was doing the right thing. Whatever happened, happened.
The next afternoon when the bell rang and I saw Katie’s familiar face, I braced myself to ask her if we could talk.
She immediately looked nervous as soon as I asked. “Sure, no problem. But, uh…” She motioned toward Alex.
“Oh, I was thinking we could go to the school playground and she could play on the jungle gym?”
“Yeah, that sounds fine,” Katie said. I could tell she was hoping I didn’t have a plan for Alex so she could postpone the conversation. But I couldn’t wait. If I had to cut this thing off, the sooner the better.
We walked toward the playground and Alex was absolutely thrilled that she got to use the playground all by herself with nobody else around. It’s really adorable what kids will get excited about. I wished I had her lust for life still.
“So, what’s up?” Katie asked as she sat down on the bench.
“I’ve got something to tell you,” I said, trying to formulate the words in my head before saying them out loud.
“Okay, shoot.”
“I’m gay,” I blurted out. So much for formulating the words in my head.
“You’re… gay?”
“Yeah, well, I’m a lesbian. And it’s not a thing I was trying to hide or anything. I figured it would come up organically in conversation somehow, but it just hasn’t yet.”
“Well… you have nothing to hide, anyway,” she said. “I mean… just the way you said that, it sounds like you expect it to bother me. Did you think it would bother me?”
“I just wasn’t sure,” I answered.
Katie nodded. “Well, it doesn’t. Of course it doesn’t. Who you’re attracted to doesn’t bother me in the slightest.” She gave a reaffirming smile.
“Actually, it might…” I said slowly.
Her smile
faded and she looked confused. “How do you mean?”
I sighed. “I… I’m more than just gay. I’m also…attracted to you.”
Her jaw dropped. “Oh, I see.”
“Yeah… and I wasn’t going to mention that because I didn’t think it would have any effect on whether or not we could be friends.”
“And it does?” she asked.
“Yeah, it does. I mean, after you told me about your dream…”
Katie suddenly slapped her hand to her forehead. “Oh, God, I’m so sorry. I realize now the way I described the dream was just… rude. It was rude. I want you to know, like, not only does it not bother me that you’re gay, but it doesn’t even bother me that you’re attracted to me. You’re such a nice girl and you’ve been a great friend to me and I totally want to keep that going. This is no issue for me at all.”
I sighed. “The thing is, it’s an issue for me.”
Katie frowned. “It is?”
“I wasn’t going to make it into a thing at first. I was going to keep it to myself and not mention it to you, but I realized I couldn’t do that. Not after you told me about your dream. We feel very differently about each other and I can’t ignore that. This friendship isn’t going to work. I, like, really like you a lot. And I think the more we hang out, the more I’m going to like you, and it’s just… too hard, you know? It’s too much.”
She looked the saddest I’d ever seen her. “Right, no, that makes total sense. I’m being selfish. Of course I don’t want you to be hurting at all. If you need to distance yourself, that’s completely fine.” But she didn’t look like it was fine.
