I closed my eyes, now knowing that I was going to be safe with Charlie.
“Goodnight, Kate,” Charlie said as he turned the light off.
“’Night,” I said, and neither of us talked anymore.
The snoring began in no time, and I wished I could fall asleep so easily. Instead, my whole body yearned to be with Caleb. I kept seeing his eyes in front of me, those dark, deep eyes I had drowned in. I wanted so badly to look into those eyes again, to feel his body close to mine, his breath on my neck. My desire for him was so intense, it was an ache that was almost unbearable. It was torturing me slowly, consuming every cell of my body. I had no sense of time, but it seemed like an eternity before I finally fell asleep.
Chapter 34
When I woke up, I was in the same position as I had fallen asleep in, but the blankets had dropped to my waist. I may have kicked them down, maybe Charlie did. It didn’t matter as it wasn’t cold, so I didn’t feel the need to pull them up again. To my annoyance, rays of sunshine were getting through the sides of the curtain despite my adjustment earlier. I didn’t like it and moved my head slightly to avoid the rays on my eyelids. This time the darkness brought back memories I treasured. I relived saying goodbye to my parents on the day I left for Bullsbrook. It was the last time I had seen my parents.
Mom and Dad stood on their porch to wave me off in my over-packed car. I didn’t own much and was amazed at how much effort it had taken me to stuff my humble belongings in it.
Mom had promised me earlier they’d come and visit me as soon as I had settled in. I thought she was very brave to let me, the last child, leave the parental nest. It would be so empty without any of their daughters living at home. I had thought of asking for a job in Portland and living at home to keep Mom and Dad company. However, when the position in Bullsbrook came up, it was an offer I couldn’t refuse. Mom had cried when I had told her the news and Dad had hugged her, kissed her hair, and told her everything was going to be alright. I had felt like the ‘Daughter of Doom,’ but when Dad had looked at me, his eyes had told me Mom would be okay. Dad was a cool guy and didn’t talk much, but I knew he loved Mom very much and that they were happy together.
Dad had his arm around Mom’s waist as they stood on their porch. I stuffed the last item, my childhood teddy bear, in the car.
“Please drive carefully, darling,” Mom said.
“Nope, I’m going to hit every lamp post on the way I think,” I joked as I walked back to them.
“Oh, you know what I mean, silly.” She put her arms around me and gave me a big hug. “Make sure to give us a call when you arrive. I’ll be worried sick if I don’t know you’ve arrived safely.”
“I will, Mom, I will,” I soothed her as I kissed her goodbye. Then I gave Dad a hug and a kiss.
“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, kid,” Dad said with a smile on his face. He never called me Kate. I was always his ‘kid.’
“Well, that basically means I can do anything I want.” I smiled.
Mom poked Dad in the ribs with her elbow and gave him her angry stare.
“Ouch!” Dad pretended to be hurt. He replaced his arm around her waist, and they both waved as I reversed off their driveway. I missed them as soon as I drove away.
The realization I probably would never see my parents again brought out emotions I had stored deep down these last few days. I missed my parents, I missed Sue. I would never have dinner with them again, talking about the little things we thought mattered in our lives. Never would I hug them, tease them, quarrel or laugh with them again. The realization left a hole in my heart that ate its way through it like acid. Emotions hit me full on, and my mouth contorted in an effort not to cry out loud and wake Charlie. I bit on my hand to prevent sounds escaping from my mouth. Tears from my left eye streamed over the bridge of my nose, flowed underneath my right eye, and merged with the tears from my right eye before wetting the fabric of the pillow cover. Watery snot created another patch of wetness. My body started to shake with every sob I tried to suppress, and I thought of how Mrs. Sloan’s body had shaken with her sobs. How I wished I could let it all out, cry out loud, scream even, but couldn’t. I felt like I was drowning in a pool of tears, completely surrounded by my sadness and misery.
Chapter 35
I felt a touch on my arm. It was a soft, gentle touch, and it was soothing, stroking me from my elbow to my shoulder. I turned my head and saw Charlie lying on his side, looking at me. He didn’t say anything. I turned around completely, not ashamed to show him my red-rimmed eyes and snotty nose. That was the good thing about Charlie; I could be myself around him. His touch calmed me, and I stopped sobbing. Somehow, he always made me feel better.
We didn’t talk, we just looked at each other like we had done in the cabin. Since then, we’d gone through so much together, shared so many horrible things, and survived. If it wasn’t for Charlie, I probably wouldn’t be here right now.
I studied his face, his bushy eyebrows, his cute, little nose, the overgrown stubble covering his jaw. His eyes weren’t as dark or as deep as Caleb’s, but they were kind and caring and with that extra something I couldn’t place.
After a while, he lifted his hand and stroked my arm again.
No, no, no. This is going the wrong way now.
I rolled onto my back.
“Please don’t, Charlie,” I whispered. I didn’t dare to look him in the eye and see him hurt as I rejected him. To make sure I didn’t make eye contact, I closed my eyes.
“I love you, Kate,” he said. Not in a husky voice or anything like that. Not a whisper either. More like a statement. Yet there was an emotion behind it I couldn’t describe in words. As if it cost him a great deal of effort to say it.
No! Please don’t spoil what we have.
My thoughts went into hyper-drive.
How can you say you love me? Yes, we are close, very close, but we’re just good friends. You always called Sue ‘My Lady’ which I assumed was because you were interested in her.
He said he loved me, not that he was ‘in love’ with me. That meant that this was not some whim but rather something that had been going on for longer. Nevertheless, he had never made any passes at me, not even last night, when there were plenty of opportunities.
Oh, for crying out loud, he told me yesterday he knew I didn’t love him.
“I thought you loved Sue,” I said, trying to keep my voice as neutral as possible.
“True, I liked Sue,” he said, “but making jokes with Sue was just a distraction … to hide my insecurity. I fell in love with you the moment I laid eyes on you.”
I frowned, trying to figure out his words. I kept my eyes shut knowing that if I opened them, I would have to face him, and I wasn’t sure if I could handle that.
“I just had no idea how to let you know. I’ve tried so many times,” Charlie continued. “I didn’t know if you felt something for me. These last few days you gave me hope and considering the situation, I thought I’d better find out. You know, on the off chance that we could drop one of the lies. I realize I’m not the dream prince most girls are looking for, but I can’t hold in my feelings for you any longer. Being so close to you is unbearable.”
The silence that followed was unbearable as well. I didn’t want him to go on, torturing himself over me, the girl who didn’t love him.
I do love you, Charlie, but not in that way. Why can’t you see that? What am I to do now? I don’t want to hurt you.
I had to take him out of his misery. I had to be cruel to be kind, which was making me even more miserable. Opening my eyes, I swung my legs over the edge of the bed and sat up. My knees almost touched the wall and my face was right in front of the curtain, the green color of it not having the relaxing effect for which it was chosen. I took a deep breath.
“I don’t love you, Charlie. I love Caleb.”
There, I said it. Now he knows.
“Caleb,” Charlie spat, and I heard him turn onto his back. “What do you know abou
t Caleb?”
Goosebumps appeared on my flesh. The temperature in the room had dropped considerably with his remark. To my surprise, my mind switched sides to Charlie’s.
Ayuh, what do you know about Caleb?
“I … I can’t explain. I just know I love him, and that he loves me.”
“You don’t know he loves you, Kate,” Charlie said a tad too fast for my liking and with a tone that reminded me too much of the one my mother had used on occasions.
I didn’t know what to say. I struggled trying to find the right words to express my feelings. Yes, I had feelings for Charlie. Dare I say I loved him? Yes, I did, just not in that way. My feelings for Caleb were so much stronger, so much more intense. Yet my body winced at the thought of hurting Charlie who had always been so good to me, who always had such a positive effect on me. He was right that I didn’t know much about Caleb, but every cell of my body yearned to find out. How could I let Charlie know how I felt about Caleb without hurting him at the same time?
I didn’t need to worry for long about how to dispute his words as I heard Charlie get up, grab his clothes, and slam the door of the bathroom behind him. His emotions of love, hurt, and anger swirled through the room like a tornado. They pulled up a sorrow from deep within me, and I dropped my head, so my hands could catch my tears. I’d forgotten how close I was to the window and smacked my forehead on the windowsill concealed by the curtain.
Fuck!
“Fuck!” escaped from my lips. It was a true sign I was really upset as I hardly ever swore. I was annoyed for letting myself go like that and even more so by the fact that Charlie didn’t come out of the bathroom to check if I was okay. “Fine,” I said under my breath, rubbing the bump that was beginning to form on my forehead. I quickly got dressed, grabbed my jacket, and went outside.
Chapter 36
The sun was still shining. Standing in the shadows of the verandah, I blinked heavily and hesitated to move.
I can’t do this anymore.
I wanted to go away so badly, get in a car, and leave all the misery behind me. I wanted to feel the warmth of the sun on my face and just drive. I didn’t care where to. True, I wanted to find Caleb, but it was more than that. I wanted normality, the boredom of going to work every day, to hear laughing children around me. I wanted to visit my parents and sisters.
“Please don’t go,” I heard a quiet voice say behind me.
It took me back to reality. I turned around and saw Charlie had followed me outside.
“You’ll expose us,” he said.
Again, he looked so helpless standing there, his fate yet again depending on my decision. The stupidity of what I had just contemplated hit me. I let my jacket fall to the ground. Guilt mixed with despair overtook me, and I dropped to my knees. I cried. Charlie hurried over, kneeled down next to me, and put his arms around me. I returned the embrace, put my head on his shoulder, and continued to cry and cry. Charlie let me and was silent all the while. When there were no more tears coming, he unlocked our arms and wiped the remaining tears from my face.
“Look, if you are so sure about Caleb, I will help you find him.”
They were the sweetest words I had ever heard.
“Would you do that for me, Smudge?” I asked as I held his hands.
“Of course, Kate. I would do anything for you. I thought you knew that by now.”
You’re the best, Charlie.
I smiled at him. Even though I had been upset with him a few moments ago, I was so glad to have Charlie in my life. He was the rock I could cling to while the turbulent torrent of chaos that surrounded me was trying to grab me, trying to drown me.
He noticed the bump on my forehead and gently touched it. “You want some ice on that?” he asked.
“No, it’s okay,” I said, and I couldn’t suppress a yawn.
“Let’s go inside again,” Charlie said. I nodded.
We lay on the bed, and I put my head on his shoulder, my arm around him. Charlie hesitated for a moment but then put his arms around me. With one hand he stroked my hair, and we lay like this for a while. Being so close to Charlie was soothing, and I felt safe enough to fall into a deep sleep.
When I woke up again, the sun had gone down.
Chapter 37
This time, the exercise class had to wait until the sun’s rays had left the sky as the open space of the center of the village was the only optional space for it.
“How was your rest?” Harry asked with a big grin on his face while we were stretching our calf muscles.
“None of your business,” Charlie replied before I could think of an appropriate answer.
I glanced at Charlie, but he continued with the exercises as if nothing had happened. I didn’t want Harry to feel bad about the question, so I returned one.
“How was yours?”
“Probably not as good as yours,” he said with a wink, “but not too bad either. I may sleep in a hotel as well, one of these days.” He smiled from ear to ear. I noticed a blush on his cheeks.
“Ooh, who’s the lucky girl, Harry?”
We switched to stretch the other leg. I saw Charlie shake his head, but he didn’t say anything. He just smiled.
“It’s Rhona over there. Remember her? Ben massaged her feet yesterday.” He tipped his head in the girl’s direction. I surveyed the crowd and recognized the girl. She was the one with the nasal voice. A petite thing with dainty features, I guessed of Italian heritage. Her hair was short and curly, brown with a hint of auburn. She had big, dark eyes with long lashes, a pixie-like nose, and full lips, still covered in bright red lipstick. She was chewing gum with her mouth open which I thought never suited anybody. It made me think of cows.
“Does she know about your, um, rare blood disease?” I asked.
“Well, not how ‘serious’ it really is,” Harry said, and his smile disappeared. “I haven’t figured out how to deal with that yet, so I’ve been taking it real slow.”
“Good thinking,” Charlie said dryly.
I guessed Harry didn’t hear him as he didn’t react to Charlie’s words. I couldn’t help picking up the vibe that Charlie regretted not taking the advice himself.
At the briefing, we were told we’d move on to the next town. This little village hadn’t given enough blood to feed all of us either, so we needed to move on yet again.
During the march, we didn’t have to worry about Ben as he got the message of Charlie and I being an item after he heard from Harry we’d shared a room at the hotel. When everyone else around us appeared to be in conversations of their own, Charlie beat me to it and quietly asked Harry if he could help us get to Caleb’s pack.
“Why do you want to?” was Harry first reaction.
Charlie glanced at me before answering. “We have our reasons. Let’s keep it at that. Would you be able to help us?”
You could almost see the cogs working in Harry’s head. “It’s going to be tricky for reasons you already know. I’ve got to find out where Caleb’s pack is first,” he said. “But leave that to me.” He smiled and increased his pace to join Rhona and her girlfriends.
I observed him chatting up the girls. They were laughing at every remark he made, and Rhona was eyeing him all the time, full of adoration.
Yes, I think you’ll be sleeping in a hotel room soon as well, Harry.
From the corner of my eye, I saw Charlie look at me. When I turned my head to him, he gave me a quick smile and faced forward again. It occurred to me I should thank him for helping me. He hadn’t just said the words earlier to keep me happy. He actually meant them. I took his hand and squeezed it.
“Thanks,” I said.
Without looking at me, he squeezed my hand back and kept holding it. It should have felt uncomfortable, but I wasn’t. He only let go of me when Harry returned.
“And?” I asked, doing a little skip.
“Good news and bad news,” Harry said.
“What is it?” I was hanging off Harry’s lips now.
&nbs
p; “The good news is that I know where Caleb’s pack is,” Harry said.
“What’s the bad news,” Charlie asked.
I held my breath.
“That Caleb’s no longer with the pack.”
What? Why?
The skip in my step disappeared instantaneously. Fear and dread coursed through my veins, and I contemplated being sick or fainting. To keep myself going, I wrapped my arms tightly around me, hugging my stomach and squeezing my blood toward my brain. My breathing became a conscious effort.
Could Caleb have died?
“The word is that he instructed his pack to continue,” Harry said. “They’re traveling parallel to us, but Caleb and Sasha have left the pack.”
“Why?” Charlie asked, giving me a meaningful look. I was feeling slightly better, knowing that Caleb wasn’t dead, although I still wasn’t happy. It meant I had no idea where to look for him.
Harry shrugged his shoulders. “Nobody seems to know.”
We walked on in silence for a while.
Where could Caleb be? How am I ever going to find him now?
“So, what do you guys want to do?” Harry asked all of a sudden. “Get to the pack or to Caleb?”
“I need to get to Caleb,” I replied instantly. I tried not to put too much emotion in my voice, but Harry had picked up the vibe.
“Why? Are you …? You and Caleb …?” He looked at Charlie and then back at me. Neither of us said anything. “So you two are not …?” and he pointed his finger from Charlie to me and back to Charlie again. I could tell he had a million questions.
Charlie remained silent.
“No, we are not,” I said with downcast eyes.
“Wow,” Harry said, eyebrows raised. “You could have fooled me.”
Charlie and I both tried to avoid eye contact with anyone at that point.
“Okay,” Harry continued, “let me think about it and we’ll talk about this when we have a bit more privacy.”
We walked in silence for the rest of the march. My mind went around in circles trying to find a reason why Caleb had left his pack, and where he could be right now. I couldn’t come up with a good reason.
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